[Misc] NSC Mental Health Thread

[Guinness Boy]

Looking back through my life (I am 64 now) i can see times when things were not right. Self induced pressure over O and A levels and having issues with eating at that time. When I got my first house had signs of ' over checking' things e.g. taps off , electric off etc.

To put this in perspective I managed a full career , dealing with a lot of pressure including callout on computer systems which if down would cost the company many thousands of pounds an hour . I managed various technical teams as well.

In my early 50's things changed , the company became focussed on performance management , not an issue with me I usually had VG markings but now was expected to manage my team in a much more aggressive way. Not sure what was the trigger but i was caught in between my team and senior management. I also made a couple of mistakes as the workload escalated not serious enough to cause issues but enough for me to know I had made them. This triggered lots and lots of 'checking activities' basically I was on the slippery slope towards full blown OCD. Doing the checks (on silly things) and by checks I mean repeating a checking activity and basically counting the repeat on a finger... I would do this 5 times , five fingers out from my fist . then one for luck and another ... Wasting my life spending half an hour on something that should not happen. I just had to do it even though half my mind was telling me this was stupid, the reassurance of the checking putting at bay some of the anxiety which was driving the OCD. Driving became hard, every bike, child on pavement etc became a magnified issue , I would go past a bike then take a left to go round a block to check that i had not hit the bike. Driving home would take 30 mins rather than 10.

My family started to notice things , no one at work did I just kept on turning out the results but putting in more effort. I saw a GP , who was going to give me beta blockers and told me to stop eating chocolate, I decided not to take them. A few months later I saw another GP at same practise and got very lucky as she had experience in the Mental Illness side and put me on citalopram. A mild dose which had some positive benefits. Unfortunately the pressure at work just grew and grew and the citalopram couldn't keep up and POP I just could not deal with it . I saw the GP and she signed me off, I told my boss and he was surprised but fine about it. I ended up on the top level of citalopram and off two months. I could have taken 6 months off at full pay but didn't, i knew that would have meant it had beaten me. My boss was unsure about me coming back, I told him i would do it but I would no longer manage people. I got back to work, focussed on the areas that I knew I was best at and which I had control of and had full responsibility for. Also kept doing my callout.

I worked for another 3 years, excelled in my strong areas and then took early retirement.

I still take citalopram but half the top dose, probably would give it up if I were younger. I am back to mainly normal but have the odd OCD twinge which I deal with.

During my 'illness' I had 3 lots of CBT , did it work? It certainly helped it's main benefit was to not be afraid to talk about my condition. I learnt a lot of how to deal with things to the point where I have helped a couple of other people. Once you have been there the signs in other affected people are obvious.

The two critical things though were the tablets and most of all the coming out and getting signed off work. It became an open subject not hidden and the actual two months off acted as a firebreak to the pressure and then gave me time to repair a bit.

If you have a mental health problem then all I can say is seek help , be open with it , if your friends don't like it then they are not your friend.

Sorry for the grammar - it just poured out.

There is light at the end of the tunnel

Incredibly brave post, well done. This is NSC at its best.

And, having met you and had a pint with you I can say you're a very decent bloke with your heart totally in the right place. I never would have know the above but for your post.

 

[Brighton Rocker]

Looking back through my life (I am 64 now) i can see times when things were not right. Self induced pressure over O and A levels and having issues with eating at that time. When I got my first house had signs of ' over checking' things e.g. taps off , electric off etc.

To put this in perspective I managed a full career , dealing with a lot of pressure including callout on computer systems which if down would cost the company many thousands of pounds an hour . I managed various technical teams as well.

In my early 50's things changed , the company became focussed on performance management , not an issue with me I usually had VG markings but now was expected to manage my team in a much more aggressive way. Not sure what was the trigger but i was caught in between my team and senior management. I also made a couple of mistakes as the workload escalated not serious enough to cause issues but enough for me to know I had made them. This triggered lots and lots of 'checking activities' basically I was on the slippery slope towards full blown OCD. Doing the checks (on silly things) and by checks I mean repeating a checking activity and basically counting the repeat on a finger... I would do this 5 times , five fingers out from my fist . then one for luck and another ... Wasting my life spending half an hour on something that should not happen. I just had to do it even though half my mind was telling me this was stupid, the reassurance of the checking putting at bay some of the anxiety which was driving the OCD. Driving became hard, every bike, child on pavement etc became a magnified issue , I would go past a bike then take a left to go round a block to check that i had not hit the bike. Driving home would take 30 mins rather than 10.

My family started to notice things , no one at work did I just kept on turning out the results but putting in more effort. I saw a GP , who was going to give me beta blockers and told me to stop eating chocolate, I decided not to take them. A few months later I saw another GP at same practise and got very lucky as she had experience in the Mental Illness side and put me on citalopram. A mild dose which had some positive benefits. Unfortunately the pressure at work just grew and grew and the citalopram couldn't keep up and POP I just could not deal with it . I saw the GP and she signed me off, I told my boss and he was surprised but fine about it. I ended up on the top level of citalopram and off two months. I could have taken 6 months off at full pay but didn't, i knew that would have meant it had beaten me. My boss was unsure about me coming back, I told him i would do it but I would no longer manage people. I got back to work, focussed on the areas that I knew I was best at and which I had control of and had full responsibility for. Also kept doing my callout.

I worked for another 3 years, excelled in my strong areas and then took early retirement.

I still take citalopram but half the top dose, probably would give it up if I were younger. I am back to mainly normal but have the odd OCD twinge which I deal with.

During my 'illness' I had 3 lots of CBT , did it work? It certainly helped it's main benefit was to not be afraid to talk about my condition. I learnt a lot of how to deal with things to the point where I have helped a couple of other people. Once you have been there the signs in other affected people are obvious.

The two critical things though were the tablets and most of all the coming out and getting signed off work. It became an open subject not hidden and the actual two months off acted as a firebreak to the pressure and then gave me time to repair a bit.

If you have a mental health problem then all I can say is seek help , be open with it , if your friends don't like it then they are not your friend.

Sorry for the grammar - it just poured out.

There is light at the end of the tunnel

Thanks for sharing such an honest and revealing post. I talk about my mental health perhaps a bit too much but, I think it makes it OK for others to share their experiences.
I have gone through periods when OCD would really get in the way of my everyday life.
It was only once I was coming to the end of my career that I was able to be open about my mental health as it had little impact at that stage on my career prospects.
It can be difficult to share your mental health story with those closest to you. A few months ago I wrote down my recovery story and shared it with my long suffering wife. She was able to add some revealing reflections on what it is like to live with a partner with mental health issues.
I have shared my story with the NEON study which is a very worthwhile research project being run by The University of Nottingham into how recovery stories can help other.
https://recoverystories.uk/

 

[Weststander]

Looking back through my life (I am 64 now) i can see times when things were not right. Self induced pressure over O and A levels and having issues with eating at that time. When I got my first house had signs of ' over checking' things e.g. taps off , electric off etc.

To put this in perspective I managed a full career , dealing with a lot of pressure including callout on computer systems which if down would cost the company many thousands of pounds an hour . I managed various technical teams as well.

In my early 50's things changed , the company became focussed on performance management , not an issue with me I usually had VG markings but now was expected to manage my team in a much more aggressive way. Not sure what was the trigger but i was caught in between my team and senior management. I also made a couple of mistakes as the workload escalated not serious enough to cause issues but enough for me to know I had made them. This triggered lots and lots of 'checking activities' basically I was on the slippery slope towards full blown OCD. Doing the checks (on silly things) and by checks I mean repeating a checking activity and basically counting the repeat on a finger... I would do this 5 times , five fingers out from my fist . then one for luck and another ... Wasting my life spending half an hour on something that should not happen. I just had to do it even though half my mind was telling me this was stupid, the reassurance of the checking putting at bay some of the anxiety which was driving the OCD. Driving became hard, every bike, child on pavement etc became a magnified issue , I would go past a bike then take a left to go round a block to check that i had not hit the bike. Driving home would take 30 mins rather than 10.

My family started to notice things , no one at work did I just kept on turning out the results but putting in more effort. I saw a GP , who was going to give me beta blockers and told me to stop eating chocolate, I decided not to take them. A few months later I saw another GP at same practise and got very lucky as she had experience in the Mental Illness side and put me on citalopram. A mild dose which had some positive benefits. Unfortunately the pressure at work just grew and grew and the citalopram couldn't keep up and POP I just could not deal with it . I saw the GP and she signed me off, I told my boss and he was surprised but fine about it. I ended up on the top level of citalopram and off two months. I could have taken 6 months off at full pay but didn't, i knew that would have meant it had beaten me. My boss was unsure about me coming back, I told him i would do it but I would no longer manage people. I got back to work, focussed on the areas that I knew I was best at and which I had control of and had full responsibility for. Also kept doing my callout.

I worked for another 3 years, excelled in my strong areas and then took early retirement.

I still take citalopram but half the top dose, probably would give it up if I were younger. I am back to mainly normal but have the odd OCD twinge which I deal with.

During my 'illness' I had 3 lots of CBT , did it work? It certainly helped it's main benefit was to not be afraid to talk about my condition. I learnt a lot of how to deal with things to the point where I have helped a couple of other people. Once you have been there the signs in other affected people are obvious.

The two critical things though were the tablets and most of all the coming out and getting signed off work. It became an open subject not hidden and the actual two months off acted as a firebreak to the pressure and then gave me time to repair a bit.

If you have a mental health problem then all I can say is seek help , be open with it , if your friends don't like it then they are not your friend.

Sorry for the grammar - it just poured out.

There is light at the end of the tunnel

I’m glad you’re in ‘a better place’.

The right pills are a life saver, I know that through close family. Sufferers should never listen to advice to refuse to be beaten and give in to being a pill popper. Nor put themselves under any time pressure to finish the meds. Getting well is the priority. It might be they’re taken lifelong, but give a quality of life. Before the development of these meds, people harmed themselves or worse, to ease the daily pain from their Black Dog.

If possible, allied with talking therapies; counselling, CBT, ACT, et al.

Although it began in your teens (that’s very common), I think that unreasonable work pressures and/or a nasty or scheming boss, can really affect mental health, including when they’re not at work. I was chatting with a delivery guy this morning who told me that leaving such a working environment in the last year, changed his life for the better.

 

[Mr Banana]

Looking back through my life (I am 64 now) i can see times when things were not right. Self induced pressure over O and A levels and having issues with eating at that time. When I got my first house had signs of ' over checking' things e.g. taps off , electric off etc.

To put this in perspective I managed a full career , dealing with a lot of pressure including callout on computer systems which if down would cost the company many thousands of pounds an hour . I managed various technical teams as well.

In my early 50's things changed , the company became focussed on performance management , not an issue with me I usually had VG markings but now was expected to manage my team in a much more aggressive way. Not sure what was the trigger but i was caught in between my team and senior management. I also made a couple of mistakes as the workload escalated not serious enough to cause issues but enough for me to know I had made them. This triggered lots and lots of 'checking activities' basically I was on the slippery slope towards full blown OCD. Doing the checks (on silly things) and by checks I mean repeating a checking activity and basically counting the repeat on a finger... I would do this 5 times , five fingers out from my fist . then one for luck and another ... Wasting my life spending half an hour on something that should not happen. I just had to do it even though half my mind was telling me this was stupid, the reassurance of the checking putting at bay some of the anxiety which was driving the OCD. Driving became hard, every bike, child on pavement etc became a magnified issue , I would go past a bike then take a left to go round a block to check that i had not hit the bike. Driving home would take 30 mins rather than 10.

My family started to notice things , no one at work did I just kept on turning out the results but putting in more effort. I saw a GP , who was going to give me beta blockers and told me to stop eating chocolate, I decided not to take them. A few months later I saw another GP at same practise and got very lucky as she had experience in the Mental Illness side and put me on citalopram. A mild dose which had some positive benefits. Unfortunately the pressure at work just grew and grew and the citalopram couldn't keep up and POP I just could not deal with it . I saw the GP and she signed me off, I told my boss and he was surprised but fine about it. I ended up on the top level of citalopram and off two months. I could have taken 6 months off at full pay but didn't, i knew that would have meant it had beaten me. My boss was unsure about me coming back, I told him i would do it but I would no longer manage people. I got back to work, focussed on the areas that I knew I was best at and which I had control of and had full responsibility for. Also kept doing my callout.

I worked for another 3 years, excelled in my strong areas and then took early retirement.

I still take citalopram but half the top dose, probably would give it up if I were younger. I am back to mainly normal but have the odd OCD twinge which I deal with.

During my 'illness' I had 3 lots of CBT , did it work? It certainly helped it's main benefit was to not be afraid to talk about my condition. I learnt a lot of how to deal with things to the point where I have helped a couple of other people. Once you have been there the signs in other affected people are obvious.

The two critical things though were the tablets and most of all the coming out and getting signed off work. It became an open subject not hidden and the actual two months off acted as a firebreak to the pressure and then gave me time to repair a bit.

If you have a mental health problem then all I can say is seek help , be open with it , if your friends don't like it then they are not your friend.

Sorry for the grammar - it just poured out.

There is light at the end of the tunnel

Mega respect. Especially for reducing citalopram dose, which is like putting yer balls in a blender. Chuffed you got through it

 

[Wardy's twin]

Incredibly brave post, well done. This is NSC at its best.

And, having met you and had a pint with you I can say you're a very decent bloke with your heart totally in the right place. I never would have know the above but for your post.

it's important that people realise there should be no stigma attached to having mental health issues , its an illness same as if you had heart problems or a broken leg, the more its out in the open the more people will treat it as a 'normal' thing and hopefully then people can get it treated quickly without going through the years of silent grief. My outcome was good , other's are not so lucky.

If it helps someone then it's the right thing to do.

 

[Guinness Boy]

it's important that people realise there should be no stigma attached to having mental health issues , its an illness same as if you had heart problems or a broken leg, the more its out in the open the more people will treat it as a 'normal' thing and hopefully then people can get it treated quickly without going through the years of silent grief. My outcome was good , other's are not so lucky.

If it helps someone then it's the right thing to do.

Yep

 

[Wardy's twin]

Yep

Hopefully we can get out for another pint sometime....

 

[Brighton Rocker]

Brilliant. And....better than OK. Individuals being different is essential to the health of the population. And who knows - perhaps we are moving into a new era of better-than-acceptance.

I have been chatting via the email with one of my students who has similar issues to me. Like me, bursts of over analysing and hand wringing. She knows more about this stuff than me, but she calls it a gift. I'll take that, any day.

My view also is that with many heritable conditions (both my brothers and my dad are/were all the same as me, to different degrees) we have it in the gene pool because it provides a survival advantage. What that advantage is may be harder to fathom. I do bizarre and seemingly counterintuitive things, especially at work, and it often comes up gold. It doesn't stop a large cohort of people thinking I'm a pillock though (same applies on NSC for sure), 'he's his own worst enemy' is one regular quip, but so it goes.

I also found in my career that having what is regarded as a disability was an advantage.
When others were obsessed with sticking to the ‘usual project management process’, I would be saying what do we need to do to deliver the project quickly and efficiently for the client. Or perhaps that was just me being lazy and trying to avoid too much writing!

 

[Brighton Rocker]

This has been a very positive thread. Thanks to all who have contributed. NSC at its best.
The majority of posts on this thread appear to be from people of a ‘certain age’ which perhaps reflects the NSC demographic. As we get older and maybe have less at stake it is a little easier to be open and to reflect on mental health experiences.
There is a mental health crisis amongst younger people who may benefit from our experience. I have shared my mental health story with my sons so that, unlike when I was growing up, they know it is OK to share their feelings. During lockdown, I eventually managed to get some group therapy sessions sorted for one of my sons which have made a massive difference to his mood. He can now cope with Albion’s crap results better than me!
I would be interested in hearing about others experience of discussing their mental health with the younger generation.
It can often be difficult to find out how to access services and information so, I have pulled together some information here:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/318205256317320/?ref=share
Please let me know if you have experience of other sources of support.

 

[Mr Banana]

This has been a very positive thread. Thanks to all who have contributed. NSC at its best.
The majority of posts on this thread appear to be from people of a ‘certain age’ which perhaps reflects the NSC demographic. As we get older and maybe have less at stake it is a little easier to be open and to reflect on mental health experiences.
There is a mental health crisis amongst younger people who may benefit from our experience. I have shared my mental health story with my sons so that, unlike when I was growing up, they know it is OK to share their feelings. During lockdown, I eventually managed to get some group therapy sessions sorted for one of my sons which have made a massive difference to his mood. He can now cope with Albion’s crap results better than me!
I would be interested in hearing about others experience of discussing their mental health with the younger generation.
It can often be difficult to find out how to access services and information so, I have pulled together some information here:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/318205256317320/?ref=share
Please let me know if you have experience of other sources of support.

Nice one. That's mint about your sons.

If any use...

Four Direction: https://mankindprojectuki.org/calendar/four-directions-menscircle-j9wne-jykjy
GIve us a Shout (bit of a hidden gem in my ****wit opinion): https://giveusashout.org/get-help/
Magnificent Man: https://www.facebook.com/groups/MagnificentManProject/
Black Dog Runners: https://www.facebook.com/groups/1662818697330421/
Tough Cookie is going to be good: http://www.tough-cookie.co.uk/
NRT have some really brilliant people doing stuff for skint mentalists: https://www.newroadpsychotherapy.com/low-cost

And then some that are probably either too specific or not specific enough...

Mindsprings, Free Buddhist Audio, CCF

 

[Katy11]

Just this

Being at home 24/7 for months pushed Mrs T into pushing me to test myself for being on the autistic/aspergers spectrum. I have mentioned this on other threads. I'm still coming to terms with the findings. It explains my entire life. If anyone saw the Chris Packham programme on telly last night, his and my experiences are very similar in many respects. He avoids all social interaction, and yet appears on the telly. I seek it out (I love teaching, for example; part of my job), even though it stresses the **** out of me, and I still do things like buy tickets to see live music and then not go on the night. I have often gone on holiday on my own - bloody love it. Anyway, won't bore people with this. I may write a book about it after I've retired (which may be sooner than I planned, since my work colleagues, I suspect, will be glad to see the back of me ).

Regarding Covid, I have found it a huge worry; my son's job security being number 1 concern, the thought of all the poor sods whose lives have been ruined by job loss really affecting me, plus worries about my own death risk in relation to the absurd expectations of my employer, adding to the brain pot.

But all that aside, working at home has been brilliant. I love not going out. I make myself go for a cycle now and then, and me and Mrs T take the nipper out for strolls in 'secret' deserted locations, but I do all that because I know I should, rather than because of need.

Good thread - let's keep it positive and supportive, if possible.

This is just an amazing honest post,like you say,let's keep it positive and just keep talking guys. There is help out here if needed.

 

[Ethelwulf]

Loved reading this thread
My story with the usual grammar and spelling mistakes below
My life was great until my dad and step mum split up when I was 13 and I had to go and live with my Mum .I was bullied at my new school so bad I cried several times a day
At 14 suffered abuse at the hands of my Mums boyfriend along with my younger sister moved to live with my Dad, When it went to court my Mum said my sister and me were lying and he got off. Until she died in 2017 some 29 years later only ever spoke to her a handful of times when she died of Huntington's
Found out at 18 my family had a genetic illness called Huntington's on my mums side and she had the gene after years of panic and dread went with my sister to test and both was negative ,how ever my younger brother was positive.
In my mid 20s had my first serious attempt at taking my own life when my girlfriend who was 20 weeks pregnant had a abortion without telling me then had major depression. With help recovered and got married and had my first born came along then had my first nervous breakdown in 2004 which resulted in me having crippling OCD which took me off work for several weeks . It was so bad I couldn't leave the house for days at a time. Pulled it around only to find out in 2007 my wife was having an affair and left me which caused another breakdown and then got made redundant from my senior manager job
recovered and joined the police force but within 3 months had another crippling breakdown which forced me to quit . Had lots of help seeing councillors and mental health doctors
remarried in 2017 and had another breakdown in 2018 as my ex wife took my 2 eldest kids to live in Spain and I couldn't cope . Then last year ended up in Hospital with crippling anxiety but my eldest came back to live in England which helped a lot. Was made redundant again in August last year and worked doing the worst job ever from October to February which lead to me being assaulted
Worked hard to get a job as a key worker due to start last Wednesday and tore my rotary cuff 2 days before I was due to start . And then to top it off had some really upsetting legal news which has caused the OCD to come back and cripple me again.
The OCD is horrible ,the shakes ,the non stop horrible faults and the fear of self harming is life limiting. For me it comes and goes . I have tried to live my life best I can I like to think I am a great Dad to my 3 kids but I know lots of you on here think I am a knob end . Some times the Albion was my only joy my only escape from my life and when they lost it made me feel even worse hence when I was Vulture all the silly posts etc

I have some very good school friends that post on here and other friends and some of the PM have really helped

I am 49 now and for the last 35 odd years mental illness has held me back. I was Sussex school chess champion at ages 11 and 12 was good at most sports and like most wish I could have my life again without all the upsets and dramas I might have made something

I take lots of meds and have hardly ever signed on so have tried always to fight this. The reason I post all this tonight is I am struggling so much with my latest issues and just typing this has been a big relief

To those over the years when I have posted as Kestrel or Vulture if I ever caused upset I am sorry

And as this latest Ethelwulf I have tried so hard not to be banned

Please Albion just win a few games so I can at least have a rare smile on my face

To all those struggling with mental health issues my door is always open for a chat to share experience maybe share some good practice

 

[The Fits]

Thanks to every one for posting.
I'd actually been meaning to start a thread myself.
I've been on here, under other names forever and it's always been somewhere with a lot of support and common sense, love even, amongst the binfests.
This will likely be incoherent and possibly indulgent....

I'm struggling.
I've always struggled. Muddled really. I've never felt 'right' but there's never really been something obviously 'wrong' or different about me. Whereas many friends I've known have had very obvious mental health issues I've just kind of been drifting along. It's not like I've even been faking it. People do just think I'm a happy soul.
I wondered if I had some kind of manic depression but from what i've read about and seen personally, it doesn't feel like that.
As long as I'm in a controlled environment, some thing I am used to, I'm able to access the kind of confident, charismatic, clownish part of my personality that most people see. I'm not acting- it's natural, I'm not thinking 'don't let people see the real you' or anything like that. But at all other times i just feel utterly listless.
I don't really have any friends. I've found keeping friends very, very hard. I can go in to town and know so many people. I could go out on an evening on my own and know i'd find plenty of 'friends', but none of these people exist to me in the rest of my life.
I've had a host of beautiful and lovely partners who've always been very fond on me but I just can't ever get myself to the point of turning them in to something substantial.
I don't really understand the rules. It's like, in terms of relationships, social interaction, the world of work, of family, the 'normal things, I just don't know how to do them. I know it's hard. Life is hard. I know every one struggles. But i just feel so disconnected to it all.
I feel like the only way I can be a 'success' is to stay in 'confident clown' mode. I'm 40 now. I can't keep that up any more.
I don't have any interests or hobbies. I mean, I'd not be too unhappy spending the rest of my life on a beach, I love the Albion like a lifelong friend I actually hate but am stuck with, but apart from that?
I think I like lots but don't LOVE anything. Every one i know has interests. Genuine interests -not just going out, getting high, showing off- collecting things, learning skills, obsessing. Being passionate about something. Being passionate about lots of things.
I can't stick at things. Can't learn. Won't persist. Get distracted. Forget. I'll try a new thing, or try to rekindle an old hobby and do it for a day or two and then just be 'meh'. I started listening to podcasts. Lasted about a week. I rarely finish books. I don't even get in to Netflix boxsets.
I don't suppose I'll ever have a long term partner or family.

I desperately want to feel. I want to be me, the real me, but I need to feel something. Anything.

Anyway, sorry for the self loathing. If any of this strikes a chord with any one and they've managed to turn things around I'd love some pointers. I have spoken to people. I nearly killed myself last year and realised I needed to do something. But talking isn't that helpful when deep down you don't have the motivation to change things (or don't know how to, at least).
Thanks x

 

[AmexRuislip]

Looking back through my life (I am 64 now) i can see times when things were not right. Self induced pressure over O and A levels and having issues with eating at that time. When I got my first house had signs of ' over checking' things e.g. taps off , electric off etc.

To put this in perspective I managed a full career , dealing with a lot of pressure including callout on computer systems which if down would cost the company many thousands of pounds an hour . I managed various technical teams as well.

In my early 50's things changed , the company became focussed on performance management , not an issue with me I usually had VG markings but now was expected to manage my team in a much more aggressive way. Not sure what was the trigger but i was caught in between my team and senior management. I also made a couple of mistakes as the workload escalated not serious enough to cause issues but enough for me to know I had made them. This triggered lots and lots of 'checking activities' basically I was on the slippery slope towards full blown OCD. Doing the checks (on silly things) and by checks I mean repeating a checking activity and basically counting the repeat on a finger... I would do this 5 times , five fingers out from my fist . then one for luck and another ... Wasting my life spending half an hour on something that should not happen. I just had to do it even though half my mind was telling me this was stupid, the reassurance of the checking putting at bay some of the anxiety which was driving the OCD. Driving became hard, every bike, child on pavement etc became a magnified issue , I would go past a bike then take a left to go round a block to check that i had not hit the bike. Driving home would take 30 mins rather than 10.

My family started to notice things , no one at work did I just kept on turning out the results but putting in more effort. I saw a GP , who was going to give me beta blockers and told me to stop eating chocolate, I decided not to take them. A few months later I saw another GP at same practise and got very lucky as she had experience in the Mental Illness side and put me on citalopram. A mild dose which had some positive benefits. Unfortunately the pressure at work just grew and grew and the citalopram couldn't keep up and POP I just could not deal with it . I saw the GP and she signed me off, I told my boss and he was surprised but fine about it. I ended up on the top level of citalopram and off two months. I could have taken 6 months off at full pay but didn't, i knew that would have meant it had beaten me. My boss was unsure about me coming back, I told him i would do it but I would no longer manage people. I got back to work, focussed on the areas that I knew I was best at and which I had control of and had full responsibility for. Also kept doing my callout.

I worked for another 3 years, excelled in my strong areas and then took early retirement.

I still take citalopram but half the top dose, probably would give it up if I were younger. I am back to mainly normal but have the odd OCD twinge which I deal with.

During my 'illness' I had 3 lots of CBT , did it work? It certainly helped it's main benefit was to not be afraid to talk about my condition. I learnt a lot of how to deal with things to the point where I have helped a couple of other people. Once you have been there the signs in other affected people are obvious.

The two critical things though were the tablets and most of all the coming out and getting signed off work. It became an open subject not hidden and the actual two months off acted as a firebreak to the pressure and then gave me time to repair a bit.

If you have a mental health problem then all I can say is seek help , be open with it , if your friends don't like it then they are not your friend.

Sorry for the grammar - it just poured out.

There is light at the end of the tunnel

My wife was on citalopram for a while, but this was treat her IBS.
It was all about balancing the serotonin in the gut and brain, in order for pain relief

Specifically, antidepressants have been found to have a positive effect on gut motility and visceral hypersensitivity. It's hypothesized that these beneficial effects come from the action of these medications on the neurotransmitters found in the brain and the gut.

 

[Ethelwulf]

Loved reading this thread
My story with the usual grammar and spelling mistakes below
My life was great until my dad and step mum split up when I was 13 and I had to go and live with my Mum .I was bullied at my new school so bad I cried several times a day
At 14 suffered abuse at the hands of my Mums boyfriend along with my younger sister moved to live with my Dad, When it went to court my Mum said my sister and me were lying and he got off. Until she died in 2017 some 29 years later only ever spoke to her a handful of times when she died of Huntington's
Found out at 18 my family had a genetic illness called Huntington's on my mums side and she had the gene after years of panic and dread went with my sister to test and both was negative ,how ever my younger brother was positive.
In my mid 20s had my first serious attempt at taking my own life when my girlfriend who was 20 weeks pregnant had a abortion without telling me then had major depression. With help recovered and got married and had my first born came along then had my first nervous breakdown in 2004 which resulted in me having crippling OCD which took me off work for several weeks . It was so bad I couldn't leave the house for days at a time. Pulled it around only to find out in 2007 my wife was having an affair and left me which caused another breakdown and then got made redundant from my senior manager job
recovered and joined the police force but within 3 months had another crippling breakdown which forced me to quit . Had lots of help seeing councillors and mental health doctors
remarried in 2017 and had another breakdown in 2018 as my ex wife took my 2 eldest kids to live in Spain and I couldn't cope . Then last year ended up in Hospital with crippling anxiety but my eldest came back to live in England which helped a lot. Was made redundant again in August last year and worked doing the worst job ever from October to February which lead to me being assaulted
Worked hard to get a job as a key worker due to start last Wednesday and tore my rotary cuff 2 days before I was due to start . And then to top it off had some really upsetting legal news which has caused the OCD to come back and cripple me again.
The OCD is horrible ,the shakes ,the non stop horrible faults and the fear of self harming is life limiting. For me it comes and goes . I have tried to live my life best I can I like to think I am a great Dad to my 3 kids but I know lots of you on here think I am a knob end . Some times the Albion was my only joy my only escape from my life and when they lost it made me feel even worse hence when I was Vulture all the silly posts etc

I have some very good school friends that post on here and other friends and some of the PM have really helped

I am 49 now and for the last 35 odd years mental illness has held me back. I was Sussex school chess champion at ages 11 and 12 was good at most sports and like most wish I could have my life again without all the upsets and dramas I might have made something

I take lots of meds and have hardly ever signed on so have tried always to fight this. The reason I post all this tonight is I am struggling so much with my latest issues and just typing this has been a big relief

To those over the years when I have posted as Kestrel or Vulture if I ever caused upset I am sorry

And as this latest Ethelwulf I have tried so hard not to be banned

Please Albion just win a few games so I can at least have a rare smile on my face

To all those struggling with mental health issues my door is always open for a chat to share experience maybe share some good practice

Thank you to those that have sent PM much appreciated

 

[Seagull58]

Loved reading this thread
My story with the usual grammar and spelling mistakes below
My life was great until my dad and step mum split up when I was 13 and I had to go and live with my Mum .I was bullied at my new school so bad I cried several times a day
At 14 suffered abuse at the hands of my Mums boyfriend along with my younger sister moved to live with my Dad, When it went to court my Mum said my sister and me were lying and he got off. Until she died in 2017 some 29 years later only ever spoke to her a handful of times when she died of Huntington's
Found out at 18 my family had a genetic illness called Huntington's on my mums side and she had the gene after years of panic and dread went with my sister to test and both was negative ,how ever my younger brother was positive.
In my mid 20s had my first serious attempt at taking my own life when my girlfriend who was 20 weeks pregnant had a abortion without telling me then had major depression. With help recovered and got married and had my first born came along then had my first nervous breakdown in 2004 which resulted in me having crippling OCD which took me off work for several weeks . It was so bad I couldn't leave the house for days at a time. Pulled it around only to find out in 2007 my wife was having an affair and left me which caused another breakdown and then got made redundant from my senior manager job
recovered and joined the police force but within 3 months had another crippling breakdown which forced me to quit . Had lots of help seeing councillors and mental health doctors
remarried in 2017 and had another breakdown in 2018 as my ex wife took my 2 eldest kids to live in Spain and I couldn't cope . Then last year ended up in Hospital with crippling anxiety but my eldest came back to live in England which helped a lot. Was made redundant again in August last year and worked doing the worst job ever from October to February which lead to me being assaulted
Worked hard to get a job as a key worker due to start last Wednesday and tore my rotary cuff 2 days before I was due to start . And then to top it off had some really upsetting legal news which has caused the OCD to come back and cripple me again.
The OCD is horrible ,the shakes ,the non stop horrible faults and the fear of self harming is life limiting. For me it comes and goes . I have tried to live my life best I can I like to think I am a great Dad to my 3 kids but I know lots of you on here think I am a knob end . Some times the Albion was my only joy my only escape from my life and when they lost it made me feel even worse hence when I was Vulture all the silly posts etc

I have some very good school friends that post on here and other friends and some of the PM have really helped

I am 49 now and for the last 35 odd years mental illness has held me back. I was Sussex school chess champion at ages 11 and 12 was good at most sports and like most wish I could have my life again without all the upsets and dramas I might have made something

I take lots of meds and have hardly ever signed on so have tried always to fight this. The reason I post all this tonight is I am struggling so much with my latest issues and just typing this has been a big relief

To those over the years when I have posted as Kestrel or Vulture if I ever caused upset I am sorry

And as this latest Ethelwulf I have tried so hard not to be banned

Please Albion just win a few games so I can at least have a rare smile on my face

To all those struggling with mental health issues my door is always open for a chat to share experience maybe share some good practice

That is an amazing post. I have the utmost admiration for the way you've battled through and I really hope life will be good to you from here on. The spelling and grammar was also top-notch so I won't be awarding the mug this time. Let's hope the Albion put a smile on all our faces soon.

 

[Weststander]

Loved reading this thread
My story with the usual grammar and spelling mistakes below
My life was great until my dad and step mum split up when I was 13 and I had to go and live with my Mum .I was bullied at my new school so bad I cried several times a day
At 14 suffered abuse at the hands of my Mums boyfriend along with my younger sister moved to live with my Dad, When it went to court my Mum said my sister and me were lying and he got off. Until she died in 2017 some 29 years later only ever spoke to her a handful of times when she died of Huntington's
Found out at 18 my family had a genetic illness called Huntington's on my mums side and she had the gene after years of panic and dread went with my sister to test and both was negative ,how ever my younger brother was positive.
In my mid 20s had my first serious attempt at taking my own life when my girlfriend who was 20 weeks pregnant had a abortion without telling me then had major depression. With help recovered and got married and had my first born came along then had my first nervous breakdown in 2004 which resulted in me having crippling OCD which took me off work for several weeks . It was so bad I couldn't leave the house for days at a time. Pulled it around only to find out in 2007 my wife was having an affair and left me which caused another breakdown and then got made redundant from my senior manager job
recovered and joined the police force but within 3 months had another crippling breakdown which forced me to quit . Had lots of help seeing councillors and mental health doctors
remarried in 2017 and had another breakdown in 2018 as my ex wife took my 2 eldest kids to live in Spain and I couldn't cope . Then last year ended up in Hospital with crippling anxiety but my eldest came back to live in England which helped a lot. Was made redundant again in August last year and worked doing the worst job ever from October to February which lead to me being assaulted
Worked hard to get a job as a key worker due to start last Wednesday and tore my rotary cuff 2 days before I was due to start . And then to top it off had some really upsetting legal news which has caused the OCD to come back and cripple me again.
The OCD is horrible ,the shakes ,the non stop horrible faults and the fear of self harming is life limiting. For me it comes and goes . I have tried to live my life best I can I like to think I am a great Dad to my 3 kids but I know lots of you on here think I am a knob end . Some times the Albion was my only joy my only escape from my life and when they lost it made me feel even worse hence when I was Vulture all the silly posts etc

I have some very good school friends that post on here and other friends and some of the PM have really helped

I am 49 now and for the last 35 odd years mental illness has held me back. I was Sussex school chess champion at ages 11 and 12 was good at most sports and like most wish I could have my life again without all the upsets and dramas I might have made something

I take lots of meds and have hardly ever signed on so have tried always to fight this. The reason I post all this tonight is I am struggling so much with my latest issues and just typing this has been a big relief

To those over the years when I have posted as Kestrel or Vulture if I ever caused upset I am sorry

And as this latest Ethelwulf I have tried so hard not to be banned

Please Albion just win a few games so I can at least have a rare smile on my face

To all those struggling with mental health issues my door is always open for a chat to share experience maybe share some good practice

Hi.

I emphasise totally with your story. I know two other folk who were on track for ‘normal lives’, then devastating events reshaped everything from early teens eg one, a family where the selfish mum ran off with a bloke and disappeared, leaving 3 kids. They’ve all suffered for decades since. I’ve been through some of the crap in your life story.

You aren’t alone. Behind brave and smiling facades, so many folk hide mental illness.

It’s not too late at 49 to get well, feel much better long term, love yourself. Are you receiving professional help, can you afford counselling?

A big plus you mention is your relationship with your offspring, including your son who’s come home. You must be a great Dad, something to be proud of and build on.

Counselling - I recommend The Rock Clinic.
Reading - there’s a great self help book by a reputable psychologist Russ Harris (no relation to Rolf) called The Happiness Trap with a therapy called ACT. If you like a read and are ready to work on your self, I’d highly recommend it.

Btw I love seeing the wide tapestry of characters on NSC and abrasive views, you help make it interesting.

All the best.

 

[Goldstone1976]

Loved reading this thread
My story with the usual grammar and spelling mistakes below
My life was great until my dad and step mum split up when I was 13 and I had to go and live with my Mum .I was bullied at my new school so bad I cried several times a day
At 14 suffered abuse at the hands of my Mums boyfriend along with my younger sister moved to live with my Dad, When it went to court my Mum said my sister and me were lying and he got off. Until she died in 2017 some 29 years later only ever spoke to her a handful of times when she died of Huntington's
Found out at 18 my family had a genetic illness called Huntington's on my mums side and she had the gene after years of panic and dread went with my sister to test and both was negative ,how ever my younger brother was positive.
In my mid 20s had my first serious attempt at taking my own life when my girlfriend who was 20 weeks pregnant had a abortion without telling me then had major depression. With help recovered and got married and had my first born came along then had my first nervous breakdown in 2004 which resulted in me having crippling OCD which took me off work for several weeks . It was so bad I couldn't leave the house for days at a time. Pulled it around only to find out in 2007 my wife was having an affair and left me which caused another breakdown and then got made redundant from my senior manager job
recovered and joined the police force but within 3 months had another crippling breakdown which forced me to quit . Had lots of help seeing councillors and mental health doctors
remarried in 2017 and had another breakdown in 2018 as my ex wife took my 2 eldest kids to live in Spain and I couldn't cope . Then last year ended up in Hospital with crippling anxiety but my eldest came back to live in England which helped a lot. Was made redundant again in August last year and worked doing the worst job ever from October to February which lead to me being assaulted
Worked hard to get a job as a key worker due to start last Wednesday and tore my rotary cuff 2 days before I was due to start . And then to top it off had some really upsetting legal news which has caused the OCD to come back and cripple me again.
The OCD is horrible ,the shakes ,the non stop horrible faults and the fear of self harming is life limiting. For me it comes and goes . I have tried to live my life best I can I like to think I am a great Dad to my 3 kids but I know lots of you on here think I am a knob end . Some times the Albion was my only joy my only escape from my life and when they lost it made me feel even worse hence when I was Vulture all the silly posts etc

I have some very good school friends that post on here and other friends and some of the PM have really helped

I am 49 now and for the last 35 odd years mental illness has held me back. I was Sussex school chess champion at ages 11 and 12 was good at most sports and like most wish I could have my life again without all the upsets and dramas I might have made something

I take lots of meds and have hardly ever signed on so have tried always to fight this. The reason I post all this tonight is I am struggling so much with my latest issues and just typing this has been a big relief

To those over the years when I have posted as Kestrel or Vulture if I ever caused upset I am sorry

And as this latest Ethelwulf I have tried so hard not to be banned

Please Albion just win a few games so I can at least have a rare smile on my face

To all those struggling with mental health issues my door is always open for a chat to share experience maybe share some good practice

Fabulous post.

To the bits in bold:

I used to, yes. But we've exchanged some PMs recently (prior to this post) and I absolutely do not now. Still less after reading your post.

Yes, I could see that you were really trying not to be banned; that's why I engaged. You've succeeded! Do I agree with everything you post - no; I don't need to. Am I chuffed to bits you are a contributing member of this community? Too bloody right I am.

 

[Ethelwulf]

That is an amazing post. I have the utmost admiration for the way you've battled through and I really hope life will be good to you from here on. The spelling and grammar was also top-notch so I won't be awarding the mug this time. Let's hope the Albion put a smile on all our faces soon.

Thanks mate I am so proud I didn't get told for bad spelling and grammar

 

[Ethelwulf]

Hi.

I emphasise totally with your story. I know two other folk who were on track for ‘normal lives’, then devastating events reshaped everything from early teens eg one, a family where the selfish mum ran off with a bloke and disappeared, leaving 3 kids. They’ve all suffered for decades since. I’ve been through some of the crap in your life story.

You aren’t alone. Behind brave and smiling facades, so many folk hide mental illness.

It’s not too late at 49 to get well, feel much better long term, love yourself. Are you receiving professional help, can you afford counselling?

A big plus you mention is your relationship with your offspring, including your son who’s come home. You must be a great Dad, something to be proud of and build on.

Counselling - I recommend The Rock Clinic.
Reading - there’s a great self help book by a reputable psychologist Russ Harris (no relation to Rolf) called The Happiness Trap with a therapy called ACT. If you like a read and are ready to work on your self, I’d highly recommend it.

Btw I love seeing the wide tapestry of characters on NSC and abrasive views, you help make it interesting.

All the best.

Thanks Westlander

People like you and this post have for the first time in Ages put a smile on my face and made me relax a bit more

I have had lots of counselling and support

My life story if I tried to write a book would sell a few copies I try and see that all the shit and heartbreak and just unfair stuff is just the hand that life has dealt me.
I was holding steady until last week when I did my rotary cuff and an another totally unfair event in my life where I am being accused of lying in a legal case (which is a tactic from other side) Due to my OCD this has now triggered an event which is crippling me with anxiety

I am like the Albion in life under GP I play good but never get the luck I deserve