[News] New office speek bowlocks

[Dave the OAP]

View attachment 114909

 

[Nottseagull]

G-Pot (Stat Bro's latest contrivance) is the epitome of a 'thought leader', shirley?

 

[zefarelly]

A company I work for was recently bought out/merged, which has released a wave of corporabollocks, such as the appointment of 'engagement champions'. Every member of staff from directors to cleaners has had to attend a 3 hour workshop on 'enhancing the customer experience journey' in which one learns that everyone is a customer- from the postman, to the HR manager to the IT bods. Also, the primary objective of the business is not to make profit but to 'provide exceptional customer experiences' . This has all come against the backdrop of redundancies, cutbacks and a general pissing everybody off.

I daren't ask what/where you work. not on a building site or for the conservative party ;-) having said that, building sites are a ****ing joke these days. mostly people standing around in yellow vests

 

[schmunk]

https://www.scrumassembly.org/?gcli...jwEJrbWli4u57aLjuRq8xXSrIBEEIOoBoCLr0QAvD_BwE

I thought scrums were in rugby!

Again, bollocks but not eaxactly new: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scrum_(software_development)

 

[HAILSHAM SEAGULL]

Had a new one this morning

....we will be joined by vikram xxxxxx who is a innovator and “ thought leader”

Thought leader....FFS

Perhaps Paul Barber has hired one, thats why half the club seem to have gone out on loan suddenly

 

[studio150]

All Emperor's New Clothes.

Always best to say, what does that mean, can you please use plain English now and in the future to avoid any misconceptions.

In reality I have always found that these stupid job titles are handed out instead of a salary commensurate with the work expected to be undertaken,

 

[Winker]

I've recently been advised by one of our suppliers that if I have any more queries, to "Reach out to Shona".

I don't want to reach out to anyone, I'm not a flippin therapist or whatever, I just need an answer to a question.

 

[Shropshire Seagull]

https://www.scrumassembly.org/?gcli...jwEJrbWli4u57aLjuRq8xXSrIBEEIOoBoCLr0QAvD_BwE

I thought scrums were in rugby!

Hah!

I've been in IT 30+ years now, for the last 9 months I've been a "Scrum Master" trying to kick scrum into touch - it's not the right approach for this particular team but the boss has been brainwashed into thinking Agile must be Scrum ....
We are about to embark on a period of ScrumBan.

To the person who questioned "Project Brief" - this is a PRINCE2-ism - the staple document to explain [briefly] what a project is all about - it's the starting point for every new project joiner to "get the jist" - nothing new about this, project briefs have been lingerie about since colossus

 

[Dick Swiveller]

You ridicule that yet you use 'project brief' yourself

Not sure why it is so funny as that was part of the office speak. I was sent something called a "project brief" that had that guff in it. Perhaps I should have added quotes the first time round.

BTW, it also came with a Powerpoint with multiple pictures of Del Boy - seemingly as a positive on good selling technique.

 

[Tom Hark Preston Park]

I've recently been advised by one of our suppliers that if I have any more queries, to "Reach out to Shona".

I don't want to reach out to anyone, I'm not a flippin therapist or whatever, I just need an answer to a question.

 

[Dick Swiveller]

To the person who questioned "Project Brief" - this is a PRINCE2-ism - the staple document to explain [briefly] what a project is all about - it's the starting point for every new project joiner to "get the jist" - nothing new about this, project briefs have been lingerie about since colossus

Yep - but it still sickens me to get involved in one. Especially as I did an introduction to PRINCE years ago and the instructor talked about PINO - PRINCE In Name Only. Boy was that ever true and sums up most of the guff people have mentioned on here. Basically it is where people throw around PRINCE terms and pronounce it as a PRINCE project. Despite not doing most, or indeed any, of the principles of PRINCE.

 

[Jim D]

Had the pleasure of speaking to a Client Onboarding Executive the other day about "Hot Housing" a project. Apparently ducks needed to be in a row as well.

Don't you also need to see who salutes when it's run up the flagpole?

 

[Dick Swiveller]

Don't you also need to see who salutes when it's run up the flagpole?

No but every time I raised a potential "showstopper" of a problem, I was asked to come up with a "pragmatic solution".

I have no idea how I got dragged into all this hogwash. I have to make sure not to eat before meetings to minimise the likelihood of vomit.

 

[Tom Hark Preston Park]

No but every time I raised a potential "showstopper" of a problem, I was asked to come up with a "pragmatic solution".

I have no idea how I got dragged into all this hogwash. I have to make sure not to eat before meetings to minimise the likelihood of vomit.

What is this 'problem' of which you speak? I know only of 'issues' and 'challenges'

 

[schmunk]

What is this 'problem' of which you speak? I know only of 'issues' and 'challenges'

They're all opportunities.

 

[Dick Swiveller]

What is this 'problem' of which you speak? I know only of 'issues' and 'challenges'

This is why I am still a techie and haven't progressed because I cannot hide my disdain at this nonsense. It is like I have taken a dump in their shoe if I use the word problem. And "pragmatic solution" as shorthand for bodge/cover up was pretty much the final straw.

 

[Dave the OAP]

No such things as problems, only opportunities to delight customers

What is this 'problem' of which you speak? I know only of 'issues' and 'challenges'

 

[BLOCK F]

What awful bullshit.
Thank God I retired years ago!

 

[Dave the OAP]

What awful bullshit.
Thank God I retired years ago!

You are now a preferred consumer of the silver generation and we must reach out to you and touch base offline to lead you up the staregic staircase where we will put on a record and see who dances.

 

[Dave the OAP]

Just read this......

My company have said that they are no longer allowed to use the phrase “ brain storm” as it might have negative connotations associated with fits and epilepsy. It must be replaced with “ thought showers” .