[Help] Marriage Split

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

Hello All. Help needed from the vast experience on here. Looks like me and Mrs Badger are splitting up. We have 2 kids, mortgage etc. I pay for most stuff but she does have a pretty well paid part time job but she's not great with money.

I wanted to know if anyone has any advice on where to start with all this, pit falls to avoid etc... I have listed all my incomings outgoings etc. so I know where I am. I have offered to a fair amount more than the child support calculator says I would have to for my kids each month but My Mrs seems to think I should pay more. She wants to do something called Collaborative Family Law rather than mediation. We are being reasonable enough but I think she could turn nasty if she doesn’t get what she wants. I want to keep trying but she’s adamant that we split, I feel a bit lost, help please.

Sorry to hear that. I also have first hand experience. The best advice I can give is always be nice to her, regardless of everything. Listen to what she wants. Unless she wants to damage you (and only you will know about that - statistically unlikely) she will probably simply want to get herself out without damaging the kids. Anyone who has made that choice will feel very on edge, and is probably reciving inappropriate advice from pals, so (and this may sound mad) she needs you as a friend (or at least, an ally, and not a foe).

Separately don't underestimate the greiving you'll go through. My second divorce was one of the worst experiences of my life (the circumstances were somewhat unusual, I was skint and in negative equity, we had a child, the missus is a foreign national, you can guess the rest). For me, lots of talking with whoever would listen helped.

Best of luck, and please pm me if you want a chat.

 

[Chicken Run]

Sorry to hear that. I also have first hand experience. The best advice I can give is always be nice to her, regardless of everything. Listen to what she wants. Unless she wants to damage you (and only you will know about that - statistically unlikely) she will probably simply want to get herself out without damaging the kids. Anyone who has made that choice will feel very on edge, and is probably reciving inappropriate advice from pals, so (and this may sound mad) she needs you as a friend (or at least, an ally, and not a foe).

Separately don't underestimate the greiving you'll go through. My second divorce was one of the worst experiences of my life (the circumstances were somewhat unusual, I was skint and in negative equity, we had a child, the missus is a foreign national, you can guess the rest). For me, lots of talking with whoever would listen helped.

Best of luck, and please pm me if you want a chat.

Wow second divorce, you are well and truly battle scared.


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[Westdene Seagull]

I am the ‘lady’. My ex promised to look after his daughter (my son was already working) but he got his solicitor to point out my son was contributing towards his board & lodging, so I ended up with £15 a week.

Within 5 years my ex was bankrupt! Justice was done, but not at my hand.

Just want to point out not all men are barstewards .... I've paid ( and continue to pay ) far far more than what the law requires me to. I don't wish for my children to go without and if that means my ex-wife taking the piss then so be it.

 

[Thunder Bolt]

Just want to point out not all men are barstewards .... I've paid ( and continue to pay ) far far more than what the law requires me to. I don't wish for my children to go without and if that means my ex-wife taking the piss then so be it.

I know they’re not. My second marriage is now 27 years and still going strong. I have an absolute gem who is my soulmate.

 

[nwgull]

Sorry to hear that. I also have first hand experience. The best advice I can give is always be nice to her, regardless of everything. Listen to what she wants. Unless she wants to damage you (and only you will know about that - statistically unlikely) she will probably simply want to get herself out without damaging the kids. Anyone who has made that choice will feel very on edge, and is probably reciving inappropriate advice from pals, so (and this may sound mad) she needs you as a friend (or at least, an ally, and not a foe).

Bollocks to what she needs; no one is forcing her to end the marriage. She forfeits any expectations of your help by making that decision. Do what’s best for the kids and look after number one.

 

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

Bollocks to what she needs; no one is forcing her to end the marriage. She forfeits any expectations of your help by making that decision. Do what’s best for the kids and look after number one.

Have you 'been there'?

 

[Weststander]

GOod point . . . . I'm 49 and can instantly recall my parents rowing as a preamble to divorce. regularly. I was 6, it was very upsetting.

My parents are still together, 60 plus years, but I can recall their vicious rows when I was about 7 and the subject matter.

Philip Larkin’s blunt verse so apt.

 

[Westdene Seagull]

I know they’re not. My second marriage is now 27 years and still going strong. I have an absolute gem who is my soulmate.

And one that now has a new job - something I missed - congrats to him .... and of course you !

 

[Weststander]

Wow second divorce, you are well and truly battle scared.


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He’s certainly resilient.

 

[Wozza]

Sorry to hear this. Best of luck to you, fella.

 

[Westdene Seagull]

Bollocks to what she needs; no one is forcing her to end the marriage. She forfeits any expectations of your help by making that decision. Do what’s best for the kids and look after number one.

Please don't tell me you're a councillor ..... you sound very much like a lawyer though !

 

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

Please don't tell me your a councillor ..... you sound very much like a lawyer though !

Edit: Or someone who has made assumptions about the cause of a marriage break up on the basis of no facts whatsoever.

 

[nwgull]

Have you 'been there'?

Divorce? Yes. And one of the mistakes I initially made was forgetting that we were no longer a couple and that I needed prioritise my own interests for the first time in 7 years!

 

[Chicken Run]

Have you 'been there'?

My best guess would be yes, and fairly recently too!


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[marlowe]

No. There is literally no point in marriage unless you're particularly religious. It doesn't make your relationship any more secure. In fact I've seen a few cases where it has the opposite effect as there can be a tendency for people to stop making the effort once they're married.

There are inheritance tax implications for some people if they're not married. So its not only for religious / traditionalist / conformist / romantic reasons why people get married its sometimes for purely economic, practicle reasons.

 

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

Divorce? Yes. And one of the mistakes I initially made was forgetting that we were no longer a couple and that I needed prioritise my own interests for the first time in 7 years!

Situations differ. I think my advice to jaw jaw rather than war war is still he best. It is advice I gave the brother of someone on here 20 years ago and, certainly for a while (I later lost contact) it paid dividends.

I have twice posted (or almost posted) rather rude replies to you. That instinct is part of why I'm divorced....and my ability to keep it largely under control* is why I'm currently on 7 happy years with Mrs T and counting

*ahem. I'll get my coat.

 

[DJ NOBO]

Don’t fall out with her. It will cost you both a lot of money if you do.

 

[nwgull]

There are inheritance tax implications for some people if they're not married. So its not only for religious / traditionalist / conformist / romantic reasons why people get married its sometimes for purely economic, practicle reasons.

Yes, the inheritance tax avoidance is a valid benefit of being married, but so far the only one I know of. However, it'd only be to my parter's benefit if I die, and she'd still do very well anyway. So it's about as attractive a benefit as blue passports.

 

[nwgull]

My best guess would be yes, and fairly recently too!


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Situations differ. I think my advice to jaw jaw rather than war war is still he best. It is advice I gave the brother of someone on here 20 years ago and, certainly for a while (I later lost contact) it paid dividends.

I have twice posted (or almost posted) rather rude replies to you. That instinct is part of why I'm divorced....and my ability to keep it largely under control* is why I'm currently on 7 happy years with Mrs T and counting

*ahem. I'll get my coat.

14 years ago - see post 28. I don't hide anything about it as, despite sounding a bit of a cliche, it turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me as it really motivated me to succeed at work and in life in general, which I have done.

I did see your reply before you edited, and yes it was unnecessarily personal and a bit of an odd thing to have written seeing as you've been through the same.

 

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

14 years ago - see post 28. I don't hide anything about it as, despite sounding a bit of a cliche, it turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me as it really motivated me to succeed at work and in life in general, which I have done.

I did see your reply before you edited, and yes it was unnecessarily personal and a bit of an odd thing to have written seeing as you've been through the same.

Yes. Apologies for that.