'Jokes' (merged)

[Monsieur Le Plonk]

Bound to be fixtures but what the hell......

The news that Didier Drogba is leaving Chelsea has resulted in
the club having to release 4 medical staff, 2 stretcher-bearers
and a drama teacher

def fixtures this one

It turns out John Terry didn't sleep with Wayne Bridge's bird -
someone else did and he just took the credit

 

[Basil Fawlty]

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her f***ing appendix out!"

 

[Rowdey]

I thought i heard the ghost of Robin Gibb in my herb garden.. But when i went i went to check, it was just the chive talking..

 

[Trufflehound]

I thought it was "Eric" ??

Very much this.

Who would name a whisky 'Dobbin'?

 

[The Peanut Roaster]

Very much this.

Who would name a whisky 'Dobbin'?

They probably wouldn't, but a double dobbin sounds better than a double Eric, IMHO.

 

[essbee]

How did the horse get in the pub? Most pubs have small, very difficult to negotiate doors.

 

[Lady Whistledown]

I thought i heard the ghost of Robin Gibb in my herb garden.. But when i went i went to check, it was just the chive talking..

WINNER

 

[Seagull on the wing]

How did the horse get in the pub? Most pubs have small, very difficult to negotiate doors.

It was Barndoor Billy's pub!

 

[essbee]

Seagull on the wing,

In that case, we can re-jig the gag with an elephant!

 

[cookie63]

12 athletes have already been suspended from this years paralympic games after testing positive for WD40........

 

[seagullsdaz]

Chelsea have just announced they are to erect a statue in honour of Didier Drogba.

A diving board will be situated at the front of the stadium

 

[brightonlass2009]

A man is driving along a country lane and his car suddenly breaks down. He gets out and looks under the bonnet to see what is wrong when he hears a voice.
"It's your fuel pump mate."
He looks around and there is nobody there so goes back to looking under the bonnet. Then he hears the voice again:
"It's your fuel pump mate."
Again he looks around and can't see anybody but two horses in the field, a brown one and a white one. He finally sorts the problem out and is on his way in no time.
At the next village he stops and decides to have a pint in the local pub. Upon going in he decides to recount the whole story to the barman.
"Hmmm it wasn't a white horse by any chance was it?" The barman said.
"Yes why?" Replied the man.
"Because the brown one knows f*** all about cars."

I'm here all week...

 

[pottert]

What the difference between light & hard ?

you can sleep with the light on

 

[pottert]

A couple arrive at a hotel on their honeymoon after checking in they go up to their room.
An hour later the man comes down to the bar he asks the barman for a pint of bitter
The barman says to the man I noticed you are here on your honeymoon the man nodded
You don't want bitter the barman said that makes it shrink
What you want is a brandy
That will make you as big as a lion
Ok then I will have a brandy says the man before he goes back up to his room

1 hour later the man returns

You weren't lying were you
Another brandy please

And a pint of bitter for the wife

 

[El Presidente]

A policeman knocks on the door and shows me a picture of a woman

"is this your wife sir"

"Yes", I reply.

"I regret to say it looks as if she has been hit by a bus", says the policeman.

"I know", I reply, "but she takes it up the arse and is good with the kids so i can't complain too much".

 

[Muhammad - I’m hard - Bruce Lee]

I'm surrounded by preserved vegetables in jars. It's like Picalilli Circus round here.

 

[Gwm]

Michael Owen says he won't retire after being released by Manchester United.

He said he is also undecided which club he will be injured for next season !

 

[Pbseagull]

I thought it was "Eric" ??

That's his brother

 

[Maverick]

Why did the monkey fall out the tree?



Cos it was dead

 

[cirC]

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.There was just one lady
in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying
to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little
irritated.She asked the teller, "Why it change?
Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat
eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said,"Fluctuations."
Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too."