[Football] HOW will England fail at Russia 2018?

[Iggle Piggle]

Drawn in a group with Argentina who have maximum points from their first 2 games, England need a win in the final group game to progress.

To avoid suspensions in Round 2, Argentina play Lionel Messi as a one man team after he declares that he could beat England on his own. In a frantic finale, England lay siege to the Argentina goal but can't find the winner they need despite Messi being sent off in the 58th minute.

 

[Invicta]

The Lions go Marching on!

England 3-1 Spain

England declares new national holiday as golden boy Solly March bags a brace to lift World Cup in Russia.

Lewis Dunk scoring the 3rd !

 

[Pevenseagull]

I think Harry Kane will almost certainly get some sort of injury about 2 months before the world cup meaning that he won't be fully fit. I'm going for a group stage of:

England 1-1 Republic of Ireland

Sun Headline: LUCK O' THE IRISH

England dominate the game with 98% possession (only managing 1 shot on target) after taking an early lead through a Harry Kane penalty. Ireland equalise in the last minute via a bizarre own goal from Raheem Sterling

England 0-0 Panama

Sun Headline: YOU'VE GOT TO TAKE YOUR HAT OFF TO PANAMA

England once again dominate possession, this time with 105% over the 90 minutes but fail to record a single shot all game

England 1-0 Egypt

Sun Headline: WE SPHINX ENGLAND WILL WIN THE WORLD CUP

England scrape through to the next round with a 1-0 win. Once more they struggle up front and fail to manage a single shot on target. They take the lead with an own goal by Egypt

Second Round:

Russia 2-0 England

Sun Headline: SOUTHGATE: PLEASE 'PUTIN' YOUR RESIGNATION

England manage the incredible feat of failing to complete a single pass all game. Both of Russia's goals look offside and Harry Kane is sent off

Well done.

No REALLY, WELL DONE.


I can now relax and watch The Germans* win.




*© Stan Boarman.

 

[Guinness Boy]

What if our own Lewis Dunk makes the team

Southgate, being ex scum, switches our hotel arrangements from a dull St Petersburg compound to a tour of Russian Jury's Inns. Lewis gets a mysterious hair strain and flies home. Messi beats us 8-0 by himself (I'd previously assumed Dunky playing 5 minutes before getting f***ed off with it all).


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[Simster]

Massive expectations surround our first ever competitive match against a terrible Australia team. The game is limping towards a turgid 0-0 until in the 87th minute, 53 year old Tim Cahill gets his head to Maty Ryan's long punt forward and it goes through Joe Hart's legs.

Game 2 - a routine if slightly nervy 2-0 win against Poland, setting up a winner takes all match in the final game. Harry Kane with a 30 yard screamer leading to claims that he is actually the best out and out striker in the world.

Game 3 - we take the lead against Peru from a Delli Alli scuff after a corner. Harry Kane gets sent off for a shocking dive, and Peru equalise when Henderson gets caught in possession in midfield. Peru then win it and knock us out when their striker is chaperoned into our penalty box by Stones and Gary Cahill who leave him to each other.

Then of course Peru make the semis as the entire draw opens up nicely for them, as they end up playing Greece, Iceland and Sweden (pens) before Germany absolutely batter them 5-0.

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[Eeyore]

Massive expectations surround our first ever competitive match against a terrible Australia team. The game is limping towards a turgid 0-0 until in the 87th minute, 53 year old Tim Cahill gets his head to Maty Ryan's long punt forward and it goes through Joe Hart's legs.

Game 2 - a routine if slightly nervy 2-0 win against Poland, setting up a winner takes all match in the final game. Harry Kane with a 30 yard screamer leading to claims that he is actually the best out and out striker in the world.

Game 3 - we take the lead against Peru from a Delli Alli scuff after a corner. Harry Kane gets sent off for a shocking dive, and Peru equalise when Henderson gets caught in possession in midfield. Peru then win it and knock us out when their striker is chaperoned into our penalty box by Stones and Gary Cahill who leave him to each other.

Then of course Peru make the semis as the entire draw opens up nicely for them, as they end up playing Greece, Iceland and Sweden (pens) before Germany absolutely batter them 5-0.

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I dunno. Having to play three knockout matches to reach the semis seems a bit of an elongated route.

 

[DavidinSouthampton]

We're not going to fail. Solly March will score the winner in the second half of extra time in the final against Iceland.

 

[Not Andy Naylor]

Shane Duffy scores the winner for Ireland in the first group game. Maty Ryan saves Harry Kane's late penalty to preserve a 0-0 draw in the second. Anthony Knockaert, a surprise call-up to the France squad after his sensational performances in Albion's late push for a Europa League place, scores both goals in a 2-0 defeat for Southgate's men.

 

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

If we get out the group then we've had a good tournament.

Out on pens , 2nd round to someone like USA I suspect

Thankfully that won't happen.

 

[colinz]

England to win the World Cup, after being drawn in the easiest group of all time.

Then having to hand the cup back.
After someone goes to the Sun with tape recordings, of all the refs receiving bungs in the 4 knock out games. England winning each one 1nil, by a dodgy penalty.

 

[The Gem]

Rooney as Entertainment Manager.

Poyet, Toilet floor cleaner.

 

[Worried Man Blues]

Easyjet have more pilot problems, team stranded at Stansted, Southgate offers to take some in his Mondeo, map reading problems half the squad lost in Poland, disqualified for incomplete team.

 

[Eeyore]

Shane Duffy scores the winner for Ireland in the first group game. Maty Ryan saves Harry Kane's late penalty to preserve a 0-0 draw in the second. Anthony Knockaert, a surprise call-up to the France squad after his sensational performances in Albion's late push for a Europa League place, scores both goals in a 2-0 defeat for Southgate's men.

That is three European teams in the same group. Oh, are we still European ?

 

[Tokyohands]

I think we will lose all our games on penalties, except the final in which we'll smash Iceland 1-0.

 

[Tricky Dicky]

The excuse will be that it's too cold in Russia for our team. While we're at it, the excuse for Qatar will obviously be that it's too hot.

 

[Questions]

After England go out my allegence quickly switches to Italy for the remainder of the tournament.

So.....am going to have to pick a third team now what with the Azzuri’s form.

 

[bernster]

After England go out my allegence quickly switches to Italy for the remainder of the tournament.

So.....am going to have to pick a third team now what with the Azzuri’s form.

You should be ok with Italy.their 12 year cycle comes round in time for russia

 

[SeagullofMalaysia]

That is three European teams in the same group. Oh, are we still European ?

Ryan is Australian [emoji38]

 

[mejonaNO12 aka riskit]

I've looked at the projected seedings and I predict our group will be

Portugal
England
Tunisia
Japan

We will beat Japan 1-0
We will beat Tunisia 2-0
We will lose 2-1 to Portugal

We will progress to round 2 where we will face surprise group winners Uruguay.

It will go wrong

 

[Mellotron]

Ryan is Australian [emoji38]

I think he means the other 3 teams....Ireland, England and France.