Help write the ‘unwritten’ rules of the workplace toilet.

[Nibble]

Every workplace has the curry scoffing booze hound who treats the toilet as he would his home bathroom. Study him, get to know his routines, his likes and dislikes, his break times. Doubtless he will have a favourite time, a favourite toilet and a favourite cubicle within. You cannot eradicate these people so you must learn to adapt or perish.

 

[Monsieur Le Plonk]

I have never understood the human fascination of smearing the loo walls with dried nasal mucus when right next to you there's a chuffing tissue.

 

[Nibble]

I have never understood the human fascination of smearing the loo walls with dried nasal mucus when right next to you there's a chuffing tissue.

It goes to show that there must be some proper, deep down secret scumbags around. They walk among us. It could be your boss or the contractor that just shook your hand urgh.

 

[Monsieur Le Plonk]

It goes to show that there must be some proper, deep down secret scumbags around. They walk among us. It could be your boss or the contractor that just shook your hand urgh.

and the lowlifes that graffiti with snot are in all likelihood the same individuals who use the loo without the need to wash their hands on exit. So I think we can safely narrow it down to the French.

 

[sydney]

one thing that does my head in is the "screamer" ...a marble sized piece of excrement with a bit of tissue poked in it like a flight/rudder and then propelled at the ceiling so as to stick, for a considerable amount of time ,until drying out and eventually falling on an unsuspecting punter........i mean i've seen it done with butter in very posh restaurants but doing it with pooh is not correct.

 

[Gary Leeds]

I have the dubious honour of my desk being no more than 3 foot away from the pan due to the way the building is laid out and although there are only 6 people working in the building I get to hear every splash, plop and wind escaping that happens in the room. I also get the fallout from anything that happens to smell about 5 minutes after due to the lack of ventilation in my office (no windows, one door).

The thing is the main people to complain are the 2 women in the main office up the other end of the building as the smell can sometimes drift down the corridor, past my door if its shut and into their office. This has lead to numerous notices being posted on the door to the loo demanding people poo elsewhere!

So my toilet rule is don't bloody use them at work so I don't have to listen to you doing your business

 

[Meade's Ball]

I think I am more perturbed by the seeping soft whistle of a gas coming out slightly pre-poo from a cubicle, whilst I am slashing nearby, than a large thunderous pwarp. Someone trying to sneak out a plop with all its sounds a mere hiss I find more unsettling. Or just humourless, perhaps.
I still find it hilarious when strangers alongside me at the urinal let out a sly trumpet blast and then turn to offer me a grin and a wink, rather than an apology, celebrating their work.

 

[goldstone68]

My pet hate, urinals with no barriers between each one, there is nothing more annoying and gross than feeling the rebounding splashes off the next door urinal coming from billy the high pressure whazzer's piss going up your arms!!!!!!!!!!


PS-farts that smell, are gods way of making sure that deaf people do not miss out.

 

[Tom Hark Preston Park]

Unwritten rule is that if you're in Trap 1 and bloke in trap 2 answers a work call, then you wait about 30 seconds then FLUSH.

 

[Fef]

"Dammit sir!
An Englishman's cubicle is his own private castle."


No. Rules must be written.

 

[Gregory2Smith1]

if you decide to take on one of those portable benghazi's on site,the following could happen

1 locked in ,hose pipe inserted on full pelt

2 tipped over

3 brick bats thrown at it

4 all of the above at the same time

you delicate souls

 

[matbha]

Every workplace has the curry scoffing booze hound who treats the toilet as he would his home bathroom. Study him, get to know his routines, his likes and dislikes, his break times. Doubtless he will have a favourite time, a favourite toilet and a favourite cubicle within. You cannot eradicate these people so you must learn to adapt or perish.

 

[jevs]

NSC legend "Jack Straw" visits my khazi on a Monday morning after he's been to the Ganges on a Sunday night.

I've been forced to draw a skull and crossbones on the door with the slogan "abandon hope, all ye who enter" under it.

 

[Barrel of Fun]

My school has timed air fresheners. I'd never come across these before (not that I do that sort of thing on the premises). I clocked that there was a countdown timer ticking down. Puzzled by what it could be, I stood in front of it and counted along with it.

The excitement when it hit zero was quickly diffused when I got a face full of air freshener.

 

[The Brighton Bear]

It has been mentioned before on this thread regarding the 'rushing shitter' who crashes into the next cubicle and invades your peace and tranquility with a few damp pre-shitting farts and some cascading logs splashing into the pan. It's the amount of toilet paper that some people must use that astounds me. The sound of yards of paper being ripped off and scraped up and down their crack in an almost endless cycle must have the biggest impact on the rainforests.

 

[El Presidente]

Four shakes is the maximum, five or more gets you arrested, as George Michael found out.

 

[El Presidente]

I worked with a bloke who was a keen amateur weightlifter, who had a very high protein based diet. His dumps either created a creeping fog, the toxicity of which was last experienced in the Somme in WW1, generating paralysis in the poor soul who followed him in to the thinking room, or he would drop a depth charge of such thickness that it was unflushable and you would walk into the khazi to be greeted by a fresh serving of bangers and mash, and the water temperature was at a level not seen since the Chernobyl nuclear disaster.

 

[John Bumlick]

Honestly never realised there was so much stress related to using public facilities. I enjoy my morning dump at work. I also let my farts and other noises associated with the evacuation out freely. I like to prove to anyone listening that I am indeed pooing and not just taking a nap.

 

[El Presidente]

My worst toilet experience was when I was out walking the dog one afternoon, then felt a twitching in the buttocks signalling that I was approaching Dresden. Was about 10 minutes from home so no problems, and thought that when I arrived home it would have brewed for the right time for a quality dump.

Arrived home, realised I had locked myself out, and wife would not be home for an hour. I initially thought this would be no issue, but my arse was not taking no for an answer, and within a few minutes I was in that slightly awkward hopping mode that indicates you have a mole at the counter.

Therefore in desperation, I raided the bin for a piece of cardboard to give myself a target, and popped into my SHED. I then dropped my strides, assumed the position normally associated with Jonny Wilkinson when he's about to take a penalty, and produced an enormous EARTHA, which made a very satisfying 'splat' when it hit the cardboard. I was nervously looking out of the shed window in case the neighbours saw me, but fortunately there was no sign of them, as I didn't fancy going on the register again.

Luckily the motion was a single log, with no winnits, clag, or spiders legs attached to it, and I was able to pull my grundies back up with no collateral damage.

I'm sure we have all done spectacular POOs in our time, but their magnitude is usually lost as half or more of them slides round the U-bend in the khazi. This was a prize specimen, the size of a dead otter, and I felt so proud I nearly gave it a name, but decided against.

I then had the dilemma as to which wheelie bin should be used for the burial of my Douglas, should it be grey (recycling), green (organic) or black (household waste) before resuming awaiting the return of the wife.

An unexpected bonus was that it gave me something new to talk about during the usual dinner time small talk with Mrs Presidente..........which was nice.

 

[atfc village]

If it's an option i'd always use the Disabled Toiliet if it's free.Suffering with bad back pains over the Years the hand rail to pull yourself up when my back locks in is a godsend.They are always clean and tidy and no one bothers you.