Help write the ‘unwritten’ rules of the workplace toilet.

[rexwedge]

CONFIG sorry its the wrong way to shit

 

[Papak]

*Grunch* only ever go in your own toilet or in a hotel room. That is the only rule you need.

 

[Barrel of Fun]

I have the dubious honour of my desk being no more than 3 foot away from the pan due to the way the building is laid out

Are you a Nigerian toilet attendant?

 

[MissGull]

Women's toilets are nasty....

 

[BN9 BHA]

My worst toilet experience was when I was out walking the dog one afternoon, then felt a twitching in the buttocks signalling that I was approaching Dresden. Was about 10 minutes from home so no problems, and thought that when I arrived home it would have brewed for the right time for a quality dump.

Arrived home, realised I had locked myself out, and wife would not be home for an hour. I initially thought this would be no issue, but my arse was not taking no for an answer, and within a few minutes I was in that slightly awkward hopping mode that indicates you have a mole at the counter.

Therefore in desperation, I raided the bin for a piece of cardboard to give myself a target, and popped into my SHED. I then dropped my strides, assumed the position normally associated with Jonny Wilkinson when he's about to take a penalty, and produced an enormous EARTHA, which made a very satisfying 'splat' when it hit the cardboard. I was nervously looking out of the shed window in case the neighbours saw me, but fortunately there was no sign of them, as I didn't fancy going on the register again.

Luckily the motion was a single log, with no winnits, clag, or spiders legs attached to it, and I was able to pull my grundies back up with no collateral damage.

I'm sure we have all done spectacular POOs in our time, but their magnitude is usually lost as half or more of them slides round the U-bend in the khazi. This was a prize specimen, the size of a dead otter, and I felt so proud I nearly gave it a name, but decided against.

I then had the dilemma as to which wheelie bin should be used for the burial of my Douglas, should it be grey (recycling), green (organic) or black (household waste) before resuming awaiting the return of the wife.

An unexpected bonus was that it gave me something new to talk about during the usual dinner time small talk with Mrs Presidente..........which was nice.

10/10 full on fit of the giggles

 

[BN9 BHA]

I think I am more perturbed by the seeping soft whistle of a gas coming out slightly pre-poo from a cubicle, whilst I am slashing nearby, than a large thunderous pwarp. Someone trying to sneak out a plop with all its sounds a mere hiss I find more unsettling. Or just humourless, perhaps.
I still find it hilarious when strangers alongside me at the urinal let out a sly trumpet blast and then turn to offer me a grin and a wink, rather than an apology, celebrating their work.

I'm off again, I'm glad im not drinking anything when reading this.

 

[Gregory2Smith1]

10/10 full on fit of the giggles

the "signalling I was approaching Dresden" bit has had me chuckling all evening,brilliant!

 

[Barrel of Fun]

Women's toilets are nasty....

That's because you go in twos and bitch.

 

[BN9 BHA]

the "signalling I was approaching Dresden" bit has had me chuckling all evening,brilliant!

A very funny story, all of it

 

[BN9 BHA]

Women's toilets are nasty....

They certainly are.

 

[Drebin]

My worst toilet experience was when I was out walking the dog one afternoon, then felt a twitching in the buttocks signalling that I was approaching Dresden. Was about 10 minutes from home so no problems, and thought that when I arrived home it would have brewed for the right time for a quality dump.

Arrived home, realised I had locked myself out, and wife would not be home for an hour. I initially thought this would be no issue, but my arse was not taking no for an answer, and within a few minutes I was in that slightly awkward hopping mode that indicates you have a mole at the counter.

Therefore in desperation, I raided the bin for a piece of cardboard to give myself a target, and popped into my SHED. I then dropped my strides, assumed the position normally associated with Jonny Wilkinson when he's about to take a penalty, and produced an enormous EARTHA, which made a very satisfying 'splat' when it hit the cardboard. I was nervously looking out of the shed window in case the neighbours saw me, but fortunately there was no sign of them, as I didn't fancy going on the register again.

Luckily the motion was a single log, with no winnits, clag, or spiders legs attached to it, and I was able to pull my grundies back up with no collateral damage.

I'm sure we have all done spectacular POOs in our time, but their magnitude is usually lost as half or more of them slides round the U-bend in the khazi. This was a prize specimen, the size of a dead otter, and I felt so proud I nearly gave it a name, but decided against.

I then had the dilemma as to which wheelie bin should be used for the burial of my Douglas, should it be grey (recycling), green (organic) or black (household waste) before resuming awaiting the return of the wife.

An unexpected bonus was that it gave me something new to talk about during the usual dinner time small talk with Mrs Presidente..........which was nice.

excellent use of your profanisaurus, sir.

 

[El Presidente]

excellent use of your profanisaurus, sir.

It is the world's greatest tome.

 

[BN9 BHA]

excellent use of your profanisaurus, sir.

I have just read that story again, I cannot stop laughing at " the size of a dead otter "

 

[Bones]

Women's toilets are nasty....

You're not wrong there. Im a Facilities Manager and I dont envy what are cleaners have to deal with.

S**t on the toilet seat.
S**t on the floor.
Used tampons stuck to the cubicle walls.
Floaters you would need a knife to cut through to get them to flush.
Tampons down plug holes.

Worst of all, granted not in a toilet, was a used tampon stuck to the inside of the lift.

 

[Grombleton]

My worst toilet experience was when I was out walking the dog one afternoon, then felt a twitching in the buttocks signalling that I was approaching Dresden. Was about 10 minutes from home so no problems, and thought that when I arrived home it would have brewed for the right time for a quality dump.

Arrived home, realised I had locked myself out, and wife would not be home for an hour. I initially thought this would be no issue, but my arse was not taking no for an answer, and within a few minutes I was in that slightly awkward hopping mode that indicates you have a mole at the counter.

Therefore in desperation, I raided the bin for a piece of cardboard to give myself a target, and popped into my SHED. I then dropped my strides, assumed the position normally associated with Jonny Wilkinson when he's about to take a penalty, and produced an enormous EARTHA, which made a very satisfying 'splat' when it hit the cardboard. I was nervously looking out of the shed window in case the neighbours saw me, but fortunately there was no sign of them, as I didn't fancy going on the register again.

Luckily the motion was a single log, with no winnits, clag, or spiders legs attached to it, and I was able to pull my grundies back up with no collateral damage.

I'm sure we have all done spectacular POOs in our time, but their magnitude is usually lost as half or more of them slides round the U-bend in the khazi. This was a prize specimen, the size of a dead otter, and I felt so proud I nearly gave it a name, but decided against.

I then had the dilemma as to which wheelie bin should be used for the burial of my Douglas, should it be grey (recycling), green (organic) or black (household waste) before resuming awaiting the return of the wife.

An unexpected bonus was that it gave me something new to talk about during the usual dinner time small talk with Mrs Presidente..........which was nice.

I have tears streaming down my face. Thankyou!

 

[BN9 BHA]

I know it's an old one but this must happen.

 

[MissGull]

You're not wrong there. Im a Facilities Manager and I dont envy what are cleaners have to deal with.

S**t on the toilet seat.
S**t on the floor.
Used tampons stuck to the cubicle walls.
Floaters you would need a knife to cut through to get them to flush.
Tampons down plug holes.

Worst of all, granted not in a toilet, was a used tampon stuck to the inside of the lift.

Always absolutely disgusting, wherever you go. Women are like animals in the bogs.

 

[El Presidente]

Always absolutely disgusting, wherever you go. Women are like animals in the bogs.

Are you saying they're NOT made out of sugar, and spice, and all things nice?

 

[Norman Potting]

My worst toilet experience was when I was out walking the dog one afternoon, then felt a twitching in the buttocks signalling that I was approaching Dresden. Was about 10 minutes from home so no problems, and thought that when I arrived home it would have brewed for the right time for a quality dump.

Arrived home, realised I had locked myself out, and wife would not be home for an hour. I initially thought this would be no issue, but my arse was not taking no for an answer, and within a few minutes I was in that slightly awkward hopping mode that indicates you have a mole at the counter.

Therefore in desperation, I raided the bin for a piece of cardboard to give myself a target, and popped into my SHED. I then dropped my strides, assumed the position normally associated with Jonny Wilkinson when he's about to take a penalty, and produced an enormous EARTHA, which made a very satisfying 'splat' when it hit the cardboard. I was nervously looking out of the shed window in case the neighbours saw me, but fortunately there was no sign of them, as I didn't fancy going on the register again.

Luckily the motion was a single log, with no winnits, clag, or spiders legs attached to it, and I was able to pull my grundies back up with no collateral damage.

I'm sure we have all done spectacular POOs in our time, but their magnitude is usually lost as half or more of them slides round the U-bend in the khazi. This was a prize specimen, the size of a dead otter, and I felt so proud I nearly gave it a name, but decided against.

I then had the dilemma as to which wheelie bin should be used for the burial of my Douglas, should it be grey (recycling), green (organic) or black (household waste) before resuming awaiting the return of the wife.

An unexpected bonus was that it gave me something new to talk about during the usual dinner time small talk with Mrs Presidente..........which was nice.

Sobbing with laughter trying not to wake the family up

 

[symyjym]

I hate the fact that most toilets (including the ones at my work) have a row of bowls seperated by a 6" x 5" thin sheet of MDF which reachs neither the floor nor the celing so you can be happliy enjoying backing one out and be flanked either side by two others and hear & smell every tiny little fart that they make.

When did it become socially acceptable to force people to sh1t within 2 feet of each other and not put a proper wall in place?

Its disgusting.

Actually the MDF is a welcome addition in recent times.