[Help] Has anyone here been adopted ?

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

My adoptive mother tried to drown me as a child so no they weren’t all amazing mate.
I’m glad many were and I really do understand the OP’s feel for closure.
I found both my birth father and mother fairly easily the old man told me to F off and don’t bother asking for any money his first words to me. His poor wife apologised he was clearly an utter ****.
My birth mother was now a well to do sort fair play to her I guess from living in a bedsit with her family in Shoreham with only the gas stove for heat (another story) she also didn’t want to know.
The way I see it now we are strangers with nothing in common, I often dreamt as a kid how wonderful they must be and how exciting my life would be once I’d found them.
Nope both arseholes who wouldn’t give me 5 minutes.
My only advice would be the vision you have in your head could be very far from the reality when you go searching.

That makes me so angry. I hope you have got the best of revenges - a family of your own who you treat well.

 

[Nitram]

From my experience using Ancestry a DNA tracing site proved to be crucial.
It gives certainty to beliefs of family matches and more importantly most people who go on it want to find out about their ancestry so they may well be more open to contact.

I was able to find two half sisters in the USA through Facebook. The DNA test gave certainty to the match. So when I made contact I was confident there was a connection.
As it turned out they were delighted as although they knew I existed my birth mother would never discuss it with them or give them any details. So without me reaching out they would have never have found me, which they both said they wanted to do.
It was a very emotional reunion with them both.

On my father’s side I have found links but nothing thing has developed, and from looking at the profiles of many I can’t say I’m too worried.

 

[Eeyore]

My mother was adopted as a baby in 1939 by a 65 yr old woman and so had an 80 yr old mum as a teenager. She tried to find her birth mother twice over the years with no success. It was obviously a hole in her life and she had given up hope at 85 of ever knowing.
To cut a long story short my brother and i eventually managed to work out who she was through DNA testing and a lot of detective work - but already dead. Albeit she had only been living 45 minutes away and often came to Brighton. But as a result we have managed to put my mum in touch with a half sister and half brother and all their families and they are very close now.

Subsequently, we have also managed to identify who her father was (married man!) and the unknown father of her birth mother. All Irish. So I have gone from having precisely zero relations outside my immediate family to having about 65000. DNA testing has become quite fascinating!

DNA testing is indeed fascinating and equally disturbing.

I was told, many years ago, that James Best (folk will remember him as Roscoe in Dukes of Hazzard) is a distant cousin. I couldn't see how. But my DNA tree actually indicates a very large group of relatives in America.

I suppose in a transient world that this would be the norm. The ease of which folk can trace their ancestry is still quite bewildering

 

[Audax]

Just want to say thank you to those who have shared, especially @Eeyore; I've read your article. I'll probably reach out to a few of you on PM for reasons I won't share here (due to having shared enough about myself on here over the years that I'm traceable if someone is determined enough). Feel free to tell me to sod off if you do get a PM from me.

 

[Uncle Spielberg]

The best way to describe it is that I feel like a jigsaw puzzle with a piece missing

 

[Algernon]

There is a Facebook page "Adopted in the UK" which has advice and cases re finding birth parents.

A lot of the advice on there suggests people to contact, some who charge for their services.
To find my birth mother I'm pretty certain (it's a while ago) I went through Brighton council somehow, maybe social services?
It didn't cost me anything, they took my details and contacted me a few months later. I had to attend an interview to show them I wasn't looking to harm my birth mother for reasons of vengeance.
They then gave me her address, her number was ex-directory so I just drove up there, knocked on her door and re-introduced myself.
I was lucky in that i decided to find her purely out of interest, and so deep emotions weren't tearing at me. I wouldn't have been disappointed if I'd drawn a blank.
I can appreciate that for some people the emotional ups and downs having been adopted are huge.

For me it was easy and painless and within 6 months I had answers to my simple questions.
You will have no more time left in your life to start your search than starting it today.
I hope that anyone considering searching has a go and finds what they're looking for.

 

[Couldn't Be Hyypia]

I spent my life thinking that my mother (15 yo) had had me taken from her and my father (19 yo) had buggered off.

The facts were that my mother didn't want a baby (she was so young, what did she know). My grandparents offered to adopt me but was told they couldn't. My file stated that (being chunky) I "would suit a working class family". And it turns out my father never knew my mother was pregnant (one night stand - or a sweaty knee trembler as my mother called it).

What you believe, what you "know" and the reality can all be so different. If you are interested, you have the right to know.

 

[Chicken Run]

The best way to describe it is that I feel like a jigsaw puzzle with a piece missing

A good way to describe it mate, don’t underestimate rejection/separation anxiety too G

 

[Uncle Spielberg]

A good way to describe it mate, don’t underestimate rejection/separation anxiety too G

There is a very good piece on youtube called the Primal Wound. It explains it perfectly from Nancy Verrier

 

[BN9 BHA]

Interesting thread, I am surprised to read so many regular posters on here are also adopted.

 

[Couldn't Be Hyypia]

That might reflect the age profile of the NSC poster or reflect the massive size of the community.

Adoption numbers fell off a cliff in the late 60s, mainly thanks to the pill and changes in the abortion laws.

 

[Chicken Run]

Interesting thread, I am surprised to read so many regular posters on here are also adopted.

Me too, it seems the process was quite prevalent in the 60’s & 70’s

 

[Uncle Spielberg]

Interesting thread, I am surprised to read so many regular posters on here are also adopted.

I agree and refreshing to share. I felt ashamed for many years, which I can see now was wrong and I was very lucky in that I had amazing parents

 

[Weststander]

That might reflect the age profile of the NSC poster or reflect the massive size of the community.

Adoption numbers fell off a cliff in the late 60s, mainly thanks to the pill and changes in the abortion laws.

And reduced societal/family pressures to not keep the baby in more accepting times?

 

[Couldn't Be Hyypia]

And reduced societal/family pressures to not keep the baby in more accepting times?

Definitely that.

 

[Cheshire Cat]

Be careful what you wish for.

BBC Radio 4 - The Gift

What happens when an online ancestry test reveals more than you bargained for?

www.bbc.co.uk

 

[Audax]

These days, it's far more common for adoption to be a result of a child being removed from the parents for child protection reasons. Generally the kids have some degree of trauma. All a lot more regulated today as a result.

 

[Ali_rrr]

My mother was adopted and her brother and sister found their adoptive parents. All lovely stories.

She started looking for her mother around 10 years ago, letters were sent, hand delivered etc but no response. However, 3/4 years ago she found her father (in her 60s) and he’s welcomed her with open arms, with himself now living up in Oxfordshire. Even better for me as it’s a whole side of me that I didn’t know of.

 

[Eeyore]

Just want to say thank you to those who have shared, especially @Eeyore; I've read your article. I'll probably reach out to a few of you on PM for reasons I won't share here (due to having shared enough about myself on here over the years that I'm traceable if someone is determined enough). Feel free to tell me to sod off if you do get a PM from me.

Here's the follow up, with a slightly more comical look at life in the early 70s. I've clearly read too much Alan Bennett. Actually, I take that back. No-one can read too much Alan Bennett.

A Life Like Everyone Else- 1973- Aged 4

I just pointed at a small present wrapped in purple tissue paper. He asked again, I pointed again, he then just gave up and handed me the bloody thing.

queensparkchronicles.wordpress.com

 

[darkwolf666]

I was and I had/have the most amazing parents who I adore but there is a hole in my heart I have not filled and at 62 I am not sure I ever will. Anyone else the same ?

I really feel for you, and as someone who has offered kinship care to children of family members, to avoid them being adopted, I understand how difficult it must be for you.

Giving a child up for adoption is never an easy option, whether done voluntarily or not. However, I think as others have said you need to talk to someone, as it is a form of ongoing grief you are suffering.