Fifty shades of grey

[spongy]

My missus has just started the second book yesterday, my sex life hasn't improved since she read the first but its "that time of the month",

However, on the way home from the pub after a few early pints she said she'd be interested in buying some love beads, as long as they're for her and not me I think some things may get interesting

 

[Knightsworld]

Only good thing about it from my point of view was that the Mrs was so engrossed in the books, she hardly spoke to me for a week!

 

[Easy 10]

That is f***ing HILARIO. My personal favourite is "Cod Canyon"

I quite liked the "Scampy Subway"

 

[Worthingite]

50 shades of shit is better than the real thing!!!!

 

[Don Quixote]

Worst written book I have ever read. Trash.

 

[HAILSHAM SEAGULL]

@50ShadesOfShit is well worth following...

I climbed on top of him & lowered my dribbling chum bucket onto his throbbing bitch buster.. I rode him like a Blackpool Donkey

He stood over me stroking his huge minge rod.. I was hungry for it.. I started to dribble, like Adele waiting for Greggs to open..

He began to drink from my cod canyon, which by this point was frothing & foaming, like someone had poured fairy liquid into Niagara Falls..

My pilchard purse was now stretched to Katie Price proportions and could now comfortably accomodate a thermos flask and a packet of hobnobs

To celebrate the Wimbledon final, Christian has given me a 'Navratilova' and eased his tennis racket handle into my Scampi Subway

Absolutely brilliant, just read to the wife who has read the book, she was wetting herself laughing.
The Katie Price one tipped me over the edge.
Well done, tremendous stuff

 

[Muhammad - I’m hard - Bruce Lee]

this guy is worth following too

@50SOAndyGray
He wrenches her thong off. He notices her yeast wallet is completely shaven, it looks like Ross Kemp yawning. “That’s a clear cut chance!"

@50SOAndyGray
After her first time, she picks up her first used condom. He snatches it off her, hurling it out of the open window. “You don’t save those"

@50SOAndyGray
Her tongue slides down his spam javelin, under his bag of balls, licking between his anus & nuts. “Played into the corridor of uncertainty.”

@50SOAndyGray
He pushes her against the wall and rips her blouse open, revealing her heaving breasts. His eyes widen "Let's see how the sides match up!"

@50SOAndyGray
"You can put it anywhere you want" she whispered. He slid his pants to his knees and threw his fleshy column into her mouth. "Top drawer!"

 

[South Stand Bonfire]

I think you should start an alternative 50 Shades of Grey thread. I look froward to Chapter 2 tomorrow.

@50ShadesOfShit is well worth following...

I climbed on top of him & lowered my dribbling chum bucket onto his throbbing bitch buster.. I rode him like a Blackpool Donkey

He stood over me stroking his huge minge rod.. I was hungry for it.. I started to dribble, like Adele waiting for Greggs to open..

He began to drink from my cod canyon, which by this point was frothing & foaming, like someone had poured fairy liquid into Niagara Falls..

My pilchard purse was now stretched to Katie Price proportions and could now comfortably accomodate a thermos flask and a packet of hobnobs

To celebrate the Wimbledon final, Christian has given me a 'Navratilova' and eased his tennis racket handle into my Scampi Subway

 

[Herne Hill Seagull]

My main problem is that LCD drivel like this badly written, mistake-riddled, grammatically messy shitfest gets picked up by publishers because they think it'll sell zillions of copies even if it's rushed out without being properly edited, and then worse, it does. Meanwhile there are some absolutely brilliant writers out there who should be compulsory reading, but few people have heard of them compared to the best-sellers, and on the morning commute all you can see is people reading this shite, or kids' books about wizards.

There are also countless thousands of people out there who can write, and have written, better stuff than this, but can't get it published for love nor money.

So no, not good, in IMHO.

 

[Norman Potting]

"......I started to dribble, like Adele waiting for Greggs to open"

 

[Lush]

Sainsbury's are doing some good merchandise positioning in store.

 

[Scoffers]

My main problem is that LCD drivel like this badly written, mistake-riddled, grammatically messy shitfest gets picked up by publishers because they think it'll sell zillions of copies even if it's rushed out without being properly edited, and then worse, it does. Meanwhile there are some absolutely brilliant writers out there who should be compulsory reading, but few people have heard of them compared to the best-sellers, and on the morning commute all you can see is people reading this shite, or kids' books about wizards.

There are also countless thousands of people out there who can write, and have written, better stuff than this, but can't get it published for love nor money.

So no, not good, in IMHO.

Hey chill out. I'm sure that's the case so go run your own publishing company and put the world to rights!

 

[Cheeky Monkey]

My main problem is that LCD drivel like this badly written, mistake-riddled, grammatically messy shitfest gets picked up by publishers because they think it'll sell zillions of copies even if it's rushed out without being properly edited, and then worse, it does. Meanwhile there are some absolutely brilliant writers out there who should be compulsory reading, but few people have heard of them compared to the best-sellers, and on the morning commute all you can see is people reading this shite, or kids' books about wizards.

There are also countless thousands of people out there who can write, and have written, better stuff than this, but can't get it published for love nor money.

So no, not good, in IMHO.

As a proficient (and as yet unpublished author of two fine novels) Cheeky Monkey can only concur. Good luck to both E L James and J K Rowling, but neither of them are exactly gifted exponents of the craft.

 

[Max Paper]

Funny how blokes get called perves but girls giggle about it and it's all ok. f***ing women.

 

[BadFish]

My main problem is that LCD drivel like this badly written, mistake-riddled, grammatically messy shitfest gets picked up by publishers because they think it'll sell zillions of copies even if it's rushed out without being properly edited, and then worse, it does. Meanwhile there are some absolutely brilliant writers out there who should be compulsory reading, but few people have heard of them compared to the best-sellers, and on the morning commute all you can see is people reading this shite, or kids' books about wizards.

There are also countless thousands of people out there who can write, and have written, better stuff than this, but can't get it published for love nor money.

So no, not good, in IMHO.

Quality doesn't sell. The general public want LCD fluff. Listen to the top 10, watch prime time TV and indeed read the best sellers list.

The public wants what the public gets......... We must make more descernible choices to end the LCD crap we are fed.

 

[Cheeky Monkey]

Quality doesn't sell. The general public want LCD fluff. Listen to the top 10, watch prime time TV and indeed read the best sellers list.

The public wants what the public gets......... We must make more descernible choices to end the LCD crap we are fed.

Burn the following and we've got a chance:

The Daily Mail
Chris Moyles
The Daily Star
the novels of Katy Price and Naomi Campbell
Davina Mccall
The Sun
Simon Cowell
Iceland stores
The Daily Mirror
Heat Magazine
50 Shades of Shite for £3.99 at Sainsburys
Most of BBC1's programming and especially Top Gear
ITV and all commercial television channels
Tubes of Pringles
Graham Norton

 

[smelly]

50 shades of shit Hastings style:

"Even though he only had 1 tattoo I yearned for him 2 fill those lonely hrs between Jeremy Kyle n Loose Women, As he approached with those pasty white arms hanging out of his nike vest, his smile told me it was benefit day n I knew my velour tracksuit would b hanging off the lamp shade tonight."As I stood in line [MENTION=19628]the j[/MENTION]ob Centre thinking of reasons I couldn't work, a sweet smell drifted past my pig like nose. It was a mixture of weed, B.O n Lynx Africa. I
turned round
n there was Dwayne. Our eyes met n he was soon lifting me onto the wheely bins behind Iceland. He had tied up his Staffy 2 block the ally way so we wouldn't b disturbed. There was a tramp watching but it just added 2 the mystery. I new it was love n my life would never be the same.

The tramp started to stroke himself as I locked eyes with him..... I asked Dwayne if he minded if he joined in? "ask him over you slag" .... His reply turned me on even more so I beckoned him over.....Dwayne flipped me over and started fisting me from behind whilst taking pictures with his blackberry ! I screamed "not too hard .. Innit!"
The tramp finally stumbled over and I could see by the size if his cock through his trousers, he wanted me! It was hard..... Very hard, very fat ..... He was turned on! I kissed it through his trousers and stroked it..... I lifted his food/drink stained vest up to reveal ........ It wasn't his cock , It was his last can of special brew! ........

I sucked voraciously at the tramps nectar then with perfect synchronicity he turned my face into a plasterers radio and dwayne propelled his chavspunk deep into my wrong un.
I turned around breathlessly in order to clean dwaynes porridge gun of scab and digested beef and onion pot noodle but he was gone and I realised that open all hours was being repeated on dave and that not even my love could keep him from that.

 

[Gullys Cats]

50 shades of shit Hastings style:

"Even though he only had 1 tattoo I yearned for him 2 fill those lonely hrs between Jeremy Kyle n Loose Women, As he approached with those pasty white arms hanging out of his nike vest, his smile told me it was benefit day n I knew my velour tracksuit would b hanging off the lamp shade tonight."As I stood in line [MENTION=19628]the j[/MENTION]ob Centre thinking of reasons I couldn't work, a sweet smell drifted past my pig like nose. It was a mixture of weed, B.O n Lynx Africa. I
turned round
n there was Dwayne. Our eyes met n he was soon lifting me onto the wheely bins behind Iceland. He had tied up his Staffy 2 block the ally way so we wouldn't b disturbed. There was a tramp watching but it just added 2 the mystery. I new it was love n my life would never be the same.

The tramp started to stroke himself as I locked eyes with him..... I asked Dwayne if he minded if he joined in? "ask him over you slag" .... His reply turned me on even more so I beckoned him over.....Dwayne flipped me over and started fisting me from behind whilst taking pictures with his blackberry ! I screamed "not too hard .. Innit!"
The tramp finally stumbled over and I could see by the size if his cock through his trousers, he wanted me! It was hard..... Very hard, very fat ..... He was turned on! I kissed it through his trousers and stroked it..... I lifted his food/drink stained vest up to reveal ........ It wasn't his cock , It was his last can of special brew! ........

I sucked voraciously at the tramps nectar then with perfect synchronicity he turned my face into a plasterers radio and dwayne propelled his chavspunk deep into my wrong un.
I turned around breathlessly in order to clean dwaynes porridge gun of scab and digested beef and onion pot noodle but he was gone and I realised that open all hours was being repeated on dave and that not even my love could keep him from that.

Comedy gold

 

[Herne Hill Seagull]

Hey chill out. I'm sure that's the case so go run your own publishing company and put the world to rights!

That's what's happening, increasingly - the digital print age has allowed people to self-publish. That does, of course, enable plenty of vanity-driven drivel to see the light of day, but it also gives people with genuine talent an outlet denied them by the big publishing houses. Those self-publishers do not, of course, have access to the publicity machine, though, so people ike Jeffrey 'first against the wall' Archer make millions while struggling no-doubt geniuses like Cheeky Monkey are denied us.

And Badfish, you're right, of course - I couldn't tell you who's in the top 10, what's on TV at 8 o'clock on a Saturday night or what's at no.1 in the best sellers' list at any given time because I know it's likely shit. But I don't have to like that fact, nor let it go without comment.

Edit: Also, we only think we know that the public wants LCD crap because that's all that ever gets pushed properly by the great publicity machine. Plug a published but little-known genius with the same enthusiasm as JK Rowling, for example (not that I have a problem with her work, for kids) and who knows, maybe millions will buy it?

 

[Aadam]

I know the guy that writes the @50ShadesOfShit material. A very funny guy that does a lot of parody accounts. I bought the books for Mrs Aadam and she is enjoying them so far, although the writing isn't great, it's good enough to get you to the end.

The funny thing in all of this is that the main guy wears a suit and drives an Audi, so now one of her friends thinks of me when she is reading it... Not sure if that's a good thing or not...