Favourite one-liners from comedy sitcoms

[Wellesley]

Roger my arse !

Pm sent.

 

[Half Time Pies]

Roger my arse !

In a smilar vein:

 

[studio150]

It maybe more than one line, but he is from Barcelona.

Mrs. Richards: Now listen to me. I booked a room with a bath. When I book a room with a bath I expect to get a bath.
Basil: [confused] You've got a bath.
Mrs. Richards: I'm not paying seven pounds twenty pence per night plus VAT for a room without a bath.
Basil: [goes into the bathroom] There is your bath.
Mrs. Richards: You call that a bath? It's not big enough to drown a mouse. It's disgraceful...
Basil: [quietly] I wish you were a mouse, I'd show you...
Mrs. Richards: And another thing. I booked a room with a view.
Basil: [quietly to Manuel] Deaf, mad, and blind. [Goes to the window] Yes, this is the view as I remember it, yes, yes, this is it.
Mrs. Richards: When I pay for a room with a view, I expect something more interesting than that.
Basil: That is Torquay, madam.
Mrs. Richards: Well it's not good enough.
Basil: Well, may I ask what you expected to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window? Sydney Opera House, perhaps? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically...?
Mrs. Richards: Don't be silly. I expect to be able to see the sea.
Basil: You can see the sea. It's over there between the land and the sky.
Mrs. Richards: I'd need a telescope to see that.
Basil: Well, then, may I suggest you move to a hotel nearer the sea? [mutters] Or preferably in it.
Mrs Richards: Now listen to me. I am not satisfied. However, I have decided to stay. But I shall expect a reduction.
Basil: Why, because Krakatoa's not erupting at the moment?
Mrs Richards: Because the room is cold, the bath is too small, the view is invisible, and the radio doesn't work.
Basil: No, the radio works. [mutters] You don't.
Mrs Richards: What?
Basil: I'll see if I can fix it [mutters] you scabby old bat.

 

[Cadiz Seagull]

Some woman (probably Diane Keaton) to Woody Allen: would you like to perform sex with me?

Woody Allen: I'm not sure I'm up to a performance

 

[dejavuatbtn]

"You can still smell shit in here." as the punchline to one of the Royle Family episodes was one of the funniest things I can remember.

 

[BBassic]

Spaced. So many to choose from. Has to be this though:

Bilbo Bagshot: What about the Ewoks eh? They were rubbish! You don't complain about them!
Tim: Yeah but Jar Jar Binks makes the Ewoks look like... f**kin'... Shaft!

 

[pasty]

It was in the script, I have a book with all the scripts in.

Boooo.

 

[Durlston]

Granddad in OFAH. "What's he got, a Wendy House" From the reaction of David Jason, I swear that was an ad-lib that got left in.

If you read David Jason's autobiography, that line by Grandad really seemed to annoy him because it got the biggest laugh of the series and it wasn't in the script. Great actor. For me Lennard Pearce just shades it from Buster Merryfield.

 

[Swillis]

Boooo.

It is still a cracking line though, then again there are so many. Nothing can make me laugh like ofah, only Frasier has ever come close.

 

[Durlston]

Del Boy having a check up:

"Do you smoke, Mr Trotter?"
"Not just now, thank you Doctor."

and the same scene:

"Do you have trouble passing water?"
"I had a dizzy spell over tower bridge once"

That was the best series when they had the blow-up dolls that exploded. Also those pure gold chains they were buying and the guy feigned a heart attack. I don't think there'll be anything ever as funny on telly as OFAH in the late eighties. Just brilliant!

 

[Swillis]

If you read David Jason's autobiography, that line by Grandad really seemed to annoy him because it got the biggest laugh of the series and it wasn't in the script. Great actor. For me Lennard Pearce just shades it from Buster Merryfield.

It was in the script, http://www.geocities.ws/hookyscripts/Episode_17.htm

Also in the 'inside story of only fools and horses', they talk about that line. https://books.google.co.uk/books?id...page&q=ofah healthy competition script&f=true

 

[Hampster Gull]

I failed to make the chess team because of my height - woody allen

 

[Muhammad - I’m hard - Bruce Lee]

It was in the script, http://www.geocities.ws/hookyscripts/Episode_17.htm

Also in the 'inside story of only fools and horses', they talk about that line. https://books.google.co.uk/books?id...page&q=ofah healthy competition script&f=true

It would appear you are a fellow conoseur / geek. (Delete as appropriate)

If she can be in a James Bond film, so could you.
Look at her....she's a dog

 

[Durlston]

In a smilar vein:

The Thin Blue Line.

Rowan Atkinson: "I remember when footballers had nice names like Tiddler Tompkins, Dixie Dean and Nobby Nut. Now it's all Gazza, Bazza, Slasher and Gnasher."

 

[Spider]

It was in the script, http://www.geocities.ws/hookyscripts/Episode_17.htm

Also in the 'inside story of only fools and horses', they talk about that line. https://books.google.co.uk/books?id...page&q=ofah healthy competition script&f=true

Love that line, one of OFAHs best. A very similar, and pretty much as good, one is from Friday the 14th where Rodney opens the curtains and sees a man he supposes is the murderer in a flash of lightning.

"Del, there is a man...at the window"

Grandad: "he ain't got a bucket and a chamois leather has he?"

 

[Swillis]

It would appear you are a fellow conoseur / geek. (Delete as appropriate)

If she can be in a James Bond film, so could you.
Look at her....she's a dog

Rodney: you see Raquel, what I think that Cassandra is trying to say is that we prefer the fur on the animal
Albert: ain't it marvellous, Del buys Raquel some new clothes and you two have a pop at her.
Rodney: oh Del bought it
Del: you thought it was real didn't ya. No no no dopey, it's that stimulated fur

Yep, I must have seen every episode at least ten times. The set I have is the least edited version and includes the unedited version of A Royal flush. Not sure if you aware of this site but it is very good for ofah related stuff http://www.ofah.net/blog/

I once won a charity auction and John Challis(Boycie) sent me a load of autographed stuff including his autobiography, masks and all sorts of stuff.

I could talk about ofah for days but would bore the crap out of people.

 

[Swillis]

h:

Love that line, one of OFAHs best. A very similar, and pretty much as good, one is from Friday the 14th where Rodney opens the curtains and sees a man he supposes is the murderer in a flash of lightning.

"Del, there is a man...at the window"

Grandad: "he ain't got a bucket and a chamois leather has he?"

In the same episode

Rodney: del it's stealing
Grandad: no it's not Rodney
Del: listen to your grandad
Grandad: it's called poaching

 

[studio150]

More Woody Allen

I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final, you know. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. When I was thrown out, my mother, who was an emotionally high-strung woman, locked herself in the bathroom and took an overdose of Mah-Jongg tiles. I was depressed at that time. I was in analysis. I was suicidal as a matter of fact and would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian, and, if you kill yourself, they make you pay for the sessions you miss.

 

[LlcoolJ]

Rik - I don't know why I bother sometimes!
Vivian - I don't know why you bother ever

 

[Captain Sensible]

Blackadder: 'We've been sitting here since Christmas 1914, during which time millions of men have died, and we've moved no further than an asthmatic ant with heavy shopping.'