Favourite Film Exchanges

[Eric Potts]

I'll start you off with a couple (I shouldn't need to explain which films these come from ) :

Frank - " Nice beaver "
Jane- "Thank you , I just had it stuffed"


Bond- "Do you expect me to talk"
Goldfinger- "No,Mr Bond.Iexpect you to die"

 

[Icy Gull]

I want the truth

You can't handle the truth

 

[Martinf]

BRIAN: Are you the Judean People's Front?
REG: f*** off!

 

[Huple]

Come on baby suck it............

Mmm ugh em mmm................




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Deep Throat by the way

 

[Frutos]

- Can you fly this plane, and land it?

- Surely you can't be serious!

- I am serious... and don't call me Shirley.

 

[Spun Cuppa]

FBI agent to Nicholas Cage character in 'Con Air': 'What are you going to do?...'

Nicholas Cage character in southern drawl: 'What do you think I'm going to do?...I'm going to save the f***ing day...'

 

[Acker79]

Wadsworth: The game's up, Scarlet. There are no more bullets left in that gun.
Miss Scarlet: Oh, come on, you don't think I'm gonna fall for that old trick?
Wadsworth: It's not a trick. There was one shot at Mr. Boddy in the Study; two for the chandelier; two at the Lounge door and one for the singing telegram.
Miss Scarlet: That's not six.
Wadsworth: One plus two plus two plus one.
Miss Scarlet: Uh-uh, there was only one shot that got the chandelier. That's one plus two plus *one* plus one.
Wadsworth: Even if you were right, that would be one plus one plus two plus one, not one plus *two* plus one plus one.
Miss Scarlet: Okay, fine. One plus two plus one... Shut up! The point is, there is one bullet left in this gun and guess who's gonna get it!



Wadsworth: Mrs. White, you've been paying our friend, the blackmailer, ever since your husband died under, shall we say, mysterious circumstances?
Miss Scarlet: Ah!
[laughs]
Mrs. White: Why is that funny?
Miss Scarlet: I see! That's why he was lying on his back, in his coffin.
Mrs. White: I didn't kill him.
Colonel Mustard: Then why are you paying the blackmailer?
Mrs. White: I dont want a scandal, do I? We had had a very humiliating public confrontation. He was deranged. He was
[points to head]
Mrs. White: a lunatic! He didn't actually seem to like me very much; he had threatened to kill me in public.
Miss Scarlet: Why would he wanna kill you in public?
Wadsworth: I think she meant he threatened, in public, to kill her.
[rolls eyes]
Miss Scarlet: Oh. Was that his final word on the matter?
Mrs. White: Being killed is pretty final, wouldn't you say?
Wadsworth: And yet, he was the one who died, not you, Mrs. White, not you!
Miss Scarlet: What did he do for a living?
Mrs. White: He was a scientist, nuclear physics.
Miss Scarlet: What was he like?
Mrs. White: He was always a rather stupidly optimistic man. I mean, I'm afraid it came as a great shock to hime when he died, but, he was found dead at home. His head had been cut off, and so had his, uh... you *know*.
[Colonel Mustard, Professor Plum, and Mr. Green cross legs]
Mrs. White: I had been out all evening at the movies.
Miss Scarlet: Do you miss him?
Mrs. White: Well, it's a matter of life after death. Now that he's dead, I have a life.
Wadsworth: But, he was your second husband. Your first husband also disappeared.
Mrs. White: But that was his job. He was an illusionist.
Wadsworth: But he never reappeared!
Mrs. White: [admittedly] He wasn't a very good illusionist.



Colonel Mustard: Is this place for you?
Wadsworth: Indeed no, sir. I'm merely a humble butler.
Colonel Mustard: What exactly do you do?
Wadsworth: I buttle, sir.


Mrs. Peacock: What are you all staring at?
Mr. Green: Nothing.
Mrs. Peacock: Well who's there?
Colonel Mustard: Nobody.
Mrs. Peacock: What do you mean?
Wadsworth: Nobody. No body, that's what we mean. Mr. Boddy's body, it's gone.
Mrs. White: Maybe he wasn't dead.
Professor Plum: He was!
Mrs. White: We should've made sure.
Mrs. Peacock: How?
[muttering]
Mrs. Peacock: By cutting his head off, I suppose.
Mrs. White: That was uncalled for!



Wadsworth: "Ours is not to reason why, ours is but to do and die."
Professor Plum: Die?
Wadsworth: Merely quoting, sir, from Alfred Lord Tennyson.
Colonel Mustard: Hm, I prefer Kipling, myself. "The female of the species is more deadly than the male." Do you like Kipling, Miss Scarlet?
[offers her a tray]
Miss Scarlet: [takes food off the tray] Sure, I'll eat anything.


Wadsworth: You recognized Yvette, didn't you? Don't deny it!
Mrs. White: What do you mean, "Don't deny it"? I'm not denying anything!
Wadsworth: Another denial!
Mrs. White: Thhbbtt!
[sticks her tongue out at Wadsworth]


Wadsworth: Professor Plum, you were once a professor of psychiatry specializing in helping paranoid and homicidal lunatics suffering from delusions of grandeur.
Professor Plum: Yes, but now I work for the United Nations.
Wadsworth: So your work has not changed.


Colonel Mustard: How many husbands have you had?
Mrs. White: Mine or other women's?
Colonel Mustard: Yours.
Mrs. White: Five.
Colonel Mustard: Five?
Mrs. White: Yes, just the five. Husbands should be like Kleenex: soft strong and disposable.
Colonel Mustard: You lure men to their deaths like a spider with flies.
Mrs. White: Flies are where men are most vulnerable.
Colonel Mustard: Right!


[Cop sniffs the motorist, who is dead]
Cop: This man's drunk. Dead drunk.
Miss Scarlet: Dead right!
Cop: [to the motorist] You're not gonna drive home, are you?
Professor Plum: He won't be driving home, officer, I promise you that!
Miss Scarlet: No.
Cop: Somebody will give him a lift, huh?
Miss Scarlet: Oh, we'll- we'll- we'll get him a car!
Professor Plum: A long black car!
Miss Scarlet: [punches him in the stomach] A limousine!


Mr. Green: [to Miss Scarlet] So, how did you know Colonel Mustard works in Washington? Is he one of your clients?
Colonel Mustard: Certainly not!
Mr. Green: I was asking Miss Scarlet.
Colonel Mustard: [to Miss Scarlet] Well, you tell him it's not true.
Miss Scarlet: It's not true.
Professor Plum: [to Miss Scarlet] Is that true?
Miss Scarlet: No, it's not true.
Mr. Green: Ah ha! So it is true!
Wadsworth: A double negative!
Colonel Mustard: A double negative?
[whispering]
Colonel Mustard: You mean you have photographs?
Wadsworth: That sounds like a confession to me. In fact the double negative has led to proof positive. I'm afraid you gave yourself away.
Colonel Mustard: [angry, to Wadsworth] Are you trying to make me look stupid in front of the other guests?
Wadsworth: You don't need any help from me, sir.
Colonel Mustard: That's right!

Wadsworth: [shouting] That's what we're trying to find out! We're trying to find out *who* killed him, and *where*, and with *what*!
Professor Plum: There's no need to shout!
Wadsworth: [shouting louder] I'm not shouting!
[Guests stare at him pointedly]
Wadsworth: [shouting] All right, I am! I'm shouting, I'm shouting, I'm shout...
[candlestick falls from above and hits him on the head]



Colonel Mustard: Wadsworth, am I right in thinking there's nobody else in this house?
Wadsworth: Um... no.
Colonel Mustard: Then there is someone else in this house?
Wadsworth: Sorry, I said "no" meaning "yes."
Colonel Mustard: "No" meaning "yes?" Look, I want a straight answer, is there someone else, or isn't there, yes, or no?
Wadsworth: No.
Colonel Mustard: No there is, or no there isn't?
Wadsworth: Yes.
Mrs. White: [shatters glass] PLEASE!



Oh god, I'm gonna have to watch this now.

 

[Vatican Citys No.2 Keeper]

"I love....carpet.........I love.....desk"
"Brick are you just looking at things in the office and saying that you love them?"
"I love lamp"
"Do you really love the lamp or are you saying it because you saw it?"
"I love lamp. I love lamp!!"


REG:
They've bled us white, the bastards. They've taken everything we had, and not just from us, from our fathers, and from our fathers' fathers.
LORETTA:
And from our fathers' fathers' fathers.
REG:
Yeah.
LORETTA:
And from our fathers' fathers' fathers' fathers.
REG:
Yeah. All right, Stan. Don't labour the point. And what have they ever given us in return?!
XERXES:
The aqueduct?
REG:
What?
XERXES:
The aqueduct.
REG:
Oh. Yeah, yeah. They did give us that. Uh, that's true. Yeah.
COMMANDO #3:
And the sanitation.
LORETTA:
Oh, yeah, the sanitation, Reg. Remember what the city used to be like?
REG:
Yeah. All right. I'll grant you the aqueduct and the sanitation are two things that the Romans have done.
MATTHIAS:
And the roads.
REG:
Well, yeah. Obviously the roads. I mean, the roads go without saying, don't they? But apart from the sanitation, the aqueduct, and the roads--
COMMANDO:
Irrigation.
XERXES:
Medicine.
COMMANDOS:
Huh? Heh? Huh...
COMMANDO #2:
Education.
COMMANDOS:
Ohh...
REG:
Yeah, yeah. All right. Fair enough.
COMMANDO #1:
And the wine.
COMMANDOS:
Oh, yes. Yeah...
FRANCIS:
Yeah. Yeah, that's something we'd really miss, Reg, if the Romans left. Huh.
COMMANDO:
Public baths.
LORETTA:
And it's safe to walk in the streets at night now, Reg.
FRANCIS:
Yeah, they certainly know how to keep order. Let's face it. They're the only ones who could in a place like this.
COMMANDOS:
Hehh, heh. Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh.
REG:
All right, but apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, a fresh water system, and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?
XERXES:
Brought peace.
REG:
Oh. Peace? Shut up!

 

[Garage_Doors]

Where's yer tool ?
What tool ?
This F***ing tool !

 

[Spun Cuppa]

Only tenuously connected, as it was an exchange in a cinema, whilst a film was going on...

When I was at college as a 16 year old learning a trade, we had to do 'Communication Studies', which was taught by an old duffer, seeing out his time before retiring...

During one class, he told us about his trip the previous evening to a cinema, where he had a young couple in the row behind him...

Apparently the young couple were getting a bit amorous during the feature, and the young woman suddenly and loudly said, 'Manners! Tits first!...'

Cue twenty young lads pissing themselves with laughter

 

[Garage_Doors]

If the dog catches the hare, the hare gets f***ed.
What......proper f***ed

 

[Spun Cuppa]

'Who's motorcycle is that?'

'It's a chopper baby'

'Who's chopper is that?'

'It's Zed's baby'

'Who's Zed?'

'Zed's dead baby, Zeds' dead...'

 

[vegster]

The Deltas, led by D-Day and Bluto, are cutting up Flounder's brother's Lincoln to make the Deathmobile]

Flounder: My brother's gonna kill me.
Bluto: My advice is to start drinking heavily.
Otter: You should listen to him, he's pre-med!

 

[vegster]

This is a bit long so I think the Youtube vid is more appropriate.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cYSzx_zy-98

 

[jimhigham]

We've come on holiday by mistake. Are you the farmer?

Stop saying that Withnail. Of course he's the f***ing farmer.

 

[Spun Cuppa]

'Is it safe?'

'Yes it is safe...'

'IS it safe?'

'No. It's incredibly dangerous....'

*SCREAM*

 

[Jordy]

Vincent Ludwig: Inspector Drebin, welcome.
Frank Drebin: The feeling is mutual.
Vincent Ludwig: Nice to meet you too... He offers Drebin some cigars ... Cuban?
Frank Drebin: Err, no, Dutch-Irish, my father was from Wales

 

[Spun Cuppa]

'What was it?...'

'I got a feeling of Deja Vu...'

'That signifies a ripple in The Mat*ix...'

 

[Two Professors]

What's the matter,Colonel Sanders-chicken?
Spaceballs

 

[Two Professors]

I told you to fire across her nose,you asshole,not up it.Who made that man a gunner & how many assholes we got on this ship?YOH!!! Keep firing assholes-
Spceballs