[Help] FAO: The divorced of NSC

[Captain Sensible]

Some really good advice on here. I have just been through this. It’s the first night in my new house.. tonight! It’s been a Calendar year since I found out my marriage was over. No matter what I did she would not try, she was gone from me but all we had was the house and 2 girls. So it was all about that really.
My basic advice is, don’t get into silly arguments that might bite you later, walk away. Also try to get her to realise that mediation is a better and cheaper way of both of you being treated fairly than with lawyers. Also don’t underestimate how your ex partner will change. Mine is almost unrecognisable from the person she was a few years ago. Lastly, if you can, convince her that what’s best for the kids is if their dad has a good life and is able to look after the kids properly! You can’t do that renting a studio while she sits in the family home. Good luck mate. PM me if u want to ask anything.

Oh and be prepared for bad dark days and then it’s gets better, then worse then better, then after a while the bad days go away.

 

[Uh_huh_him]

However, and this is my word of caution, regardless of how amicable things are now, they can change. I don't want to go into too many details on here, because stuff on here often comes back to me, but the relationship deteriorated markedly. All I'll say is make sure you don't leave too much open to goodwill - it's better to have it in black and white and agreed, even if it seems excessive to do so now.

This!

I was too trusting. and it cost me a lot of cash.. I let this happen, because at the time I was too involved in the emotions of the situation.
Be careful and make sure you protect yourself as much as you can.

My thoughts are with you because it is such a horrible time.. But it passes... and things get better.

To stop thinking about the ex...Well as someone else mentioned on here.. banging some new, hot, young totty, helps quite a bit.
I'm marrying mine next year and never been happier..

Best of luck fella.

 

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

I have been through it. The best advice is remember this was once some one you trusted. So, trust again. Don't fight. Once she realises the war is over and she can trust you wih the kids, all is possible. I hardly saw my son for 5 years as his mother moved back to Canada. But in the end all was well. Till I had to boot him out aged 29! All's good with him now. Best of luck. It is a LONG game.

 

[Wardy's twin]

2nd piece of advice; Take no notice of idiots who claim to be happily married for the last 5 zillion years, suggesting you keep trying to resurrect a dead relationship. Total idiots.

Everyone and situation is different and without the full facts how comes you are the expert for this situation. You are the idiot for making such a crass comment.

 

[Easy 10]

I've not really got much to add, as I'm lucky enough not to have experienced a divorce (yet!). But this kind of thread really is when you see the best of NSC. Good luck to the OP, hope it works out fella.

 

[AlastairWatts]

I've managed two divorces so I can speak with some experience!

An earlier poster said that the grieving/getting over it is a two year stretch. Yes, it is - but every day everything gets a tiny bit better until one day you wake up and wonder what it was all about. Other really really good advice given here was leave the booze alone (it's essentially a depressant) and try taking up running, especially away from the city. I joined a gym too, and I've always thought that saved me after the collapse of my second marriage. In fact ten years later she came into my work and I didn't recognise her!

Also, may I suggest that you don't let so called guilt feelings cause you to make over generous decisions. I gave my first ex the house, which was sold a year or two back for just short of £670,000. Now that did hurt! Kids are amazingly resilient but I found that once they were into their early teens they wanted to be out with their mates rather than see Dad at the weekends. But I kept in touch with 'phone calls, quick (arranged) visits when I was nearby and so on and now that they're grown up I have a great relationship with them. It's possible to over-compensate with gifts, holidays and cash as well - probably better to keep all of that at the level that existed when you were together with their mother.

Oh, and finally in my experience although divorce starts off amicably just you wait until you find a new lady and introduce her to the kids, who'll promptly tell their mum. Not so amicable then...

Good luck

 

[ExmouthExile]

I can feel your pain mate really I can, i’ve been exactly where you are and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, especially if you’re the sensitive type. I wish I could say something to make you feel better but you’ve got a long hard road ahead of you, but no matter how bad you think things are now, it does get better with time, a long time though.

I was with my partner for 16 years, worshipped the ground she walked on and didn’t see it coming when she met someone else. Her excuse was that she was bored, she needed some excitement in her life. Basically we were in the same position that 99 percent of marriages go through. We had a mortgage, bills to pay, we didn’t have the money for holidays abroad and to go out boozing every night, that usually comes later on in life, but she wanted it all now.

It took me about 5 years to get over it, I say get over it, you never really get over it, you just learn to adapt to the new order of things and you get used to it. I plunged to the depths of depression, I nearly killed myself if it wasn’t for a phone call one night from my Mum just as I was about to head out to the beach. You might be surprised to hear that the only thing that got me through those dark times was that I stayed friends with my partner. We always felt that we were best friends before anything else and I didn’t see any reason why the end of our marriage should mean the end of our friendship as well. It was hard seeing her with someone else, but I think that was easier for me than saying goodbye for good.

Gradually things started to get better, I began to see the benefits of being on my own. I didn’t have to answer to anyone, I could do whatever I liked whenever I wanted. The only thing I regret since we split up was that I turned to spending money as a coping mechanism, we sold the house and pocketed 8k each and I spent the lot and kept on spending, I had credit cards I maxed out, I took bank loans because spending money was the only thing that would cheer me up. I’m still paying the debt off 17 years later, it should be cleared by next year.

Now, 17 years later, i’m still on my own, and very happy. I met a couple of girls on dating agencies but it wasn’t the same, there was only one person for me and still is, but we’re still good friends, i’m even friends with her partner and her two little girls are my goddaughters and I play a big role in their lives and love them both. I get a bit lonely sometimes but on the whole i’m happy living the single life, i’ve been hurt once, i’ll never be hurt like that again. I spent many years blaming myself, I wasn’t good enough for her, I couldn’t make her happy etc., until a few years ago she cheated on her new partner for exactly the same reasons, she was bored, she needed more excitement, and I realised that none of it was my fault, that’s just the kind of person she is, and if there was any question of me having her back, that question was answered there and then, I would never have her back. But none of that has ever broken our friendship because I just feel that we’ve always had that connection at the soul level, we were meant to be in each other’s lives one way or another. Some people think I must be a saint to stay friends with her after what she did to me but it’s just the way I am, it’s easier and better to be friends than enemies, she knows what she did to me and she has to live with that, my conscience is perfectly clear.

I don’t know what’s happened with your marriage, or if any of this is what you want to hear, but whatever the situation, it will get better, even though you probably think it never will at this stage. Just be careful, listen to your friends and family, take their advice because you won’t be thinking straight. I wish I had, my family advised me to keep the house and buy my wife out of the mortgage agreement but I was in such a mess I just wanted to get rid of everything associated with our marriage and the house was sold, we both went into rented accomodation, and now I live in a room in a shared house, at 52 years old! Had I listened to my family I would have a house now with a mortgage paid off and that is another huge regret.

I wish you well, keep your chin up, try and stay strong, and rational, try not to do anything stupid like turn to drink or drugs, or spending money, and let your family and friends share the burden, and try to stay amicable with your ex partner if you can, it might not be easy, but you might be glad you did in the long run. And there’s also a lot of good people in here, never feel like you’re on your own because you will at some point, and if you want to unload, just send me a message and i’ll do my best to help.

 

[Chicken Run]

This is a tough time but you will get through it and on the other side the sun shines brightly! I separated 11 years ago at my then wife’s request, 3 children and not a lot of money! I never saw and end to the hurt. 10 years on I’m re married, and in a far better financial situation than before! To make matters better in June I’ll only be paying my soppy ex wife 1 lot of child maintenance the other two are both over eighteen and guess who is struggling now... you can make it thru I promise! [emoji3]

 

[Chicken Run]

Oh and one final piece of advice, the only winners in a divorce are the solicitors!

 

[DJ NOBO]

I can feel your pain mate really I can, i’ve been exactly where you are and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, especially if you’re the sensitive type. I wish I could say something to make you feel better but you’ve got a long hard road ahead of you, but no matter how bad you think things are now, it does get better with time, a long time though.

I was with my partner for 16 years, worshipped the ground she walked on and didn’t see it coming when she met someone else. Her excuse was that she was bored, she needed some excitement in her life. Basically we were in the same position that 99 percent of marriages go through. We had a mortgage, bills to pay, we didn’t have the money for holidays abroad and to go out boozing every night, that usually comes later on in life, but she wanted it all now.

It took me about 5 years to get over it, I say get over it, you never really get over it, you just learn to adapt to the new order of things and you get used to it. I plunged to the depths of depression, I nearly killed myself if it wasn’t for a phone call one night from my Mum just as I was about to head out to the beach. You might be surprised to hear that the only thing that got me through those dark times was that I stayed friends with my partner. We always felt that we were best friends before anything else and I didn’t see any reason why the end of our marriage should mean the end of our friendship as well. It was hard seeing her with someone else, but I think that was easier for me than saying goodbye for good.

Gradually things started to get better, I began to see the benefits of being on my own. I didn’t have to answer to anyone, I could do whatever I liked whenever I wanted. The only thing I regret since we split up was that I turned to spending money as a coping mechanism, we sold the house and pocketed 8k each and I spent the lot and kept on spending, I had credit cards I maxed out, I took bank loans because spending money was the only thing that would cheer me up. I’m still paying the debt off 17 years later, it should be cleared by next year.

Now, 17 years later, i’m still on my own, and very happy. I met a couple of girls on dating agencies but it wasn’t the same, there was only one person for me and still is, but we’re still good friends, i’m even friends with her partner and her two little girls are my goddaughters and I play a big role in their lives and love them both. I get a bit lonely sometimes but on the whole i’m happy living the single life, i’ve been hurt once, i’ll never be hurt like that again. I spent many years blaming myself, I wasn’t good enough for her, I couldn’t make her happy etc., until a few years ago she cheated on her new partner for exactly the same reasons, she was bored, she needed more excitement, and I realised that none of it was my fault, that’s just the kind of person she is, and if there was any question of me having her back, that question was answered there and then, I would never have her back. But none of that has ever broken our friendship because I just feel that we’ve always had that connection at the soul level, we were meant to be in each other’s lives one way or another. Some people think I must be a saint to stay friends with her after what she did to me but it’s just the way I am, it’s easier and better to be friends than enemies, she knows what she did to me and she has to live with that, my conscience is perfectly clear.

I don’t know what’s happened with your marriage, or if any of this is what you want to hear, but whatever the situation, it will get better, even though you probably think it never will at this stage. Just be careful, listen to your friends and family, take their advice because you won’t be thinking straight. I wish I had, my family advised me to keep the house and buy my wife out of the mortgage agreement but I was in such a mess I just wanted to get rid of everything associated with our marriage and the house was sold, we both went into rented accomodation, and now I live in a room in a shared house, at 52 years old! Had I listened to my family I would have a house now with a mortgage paid off and that is another huge regret.

I wish you well, keep your chin up, try and stay strong, and rational, try not to do anything stupid like turn to drink or drugs, or spending money, and let your family and friends share the burden, and try to stay amicable with your ex partner if you can, it might not be easy, but you might be glad you did in the long run. And there’s also a lot of good people in here, never feel like you’re on your own because you will at some point, and if you want to unload, just send me a message and i’ll do my best to help.

What became of your ex? Did she stay with second partner ?

 

[Justice]

No personal experience from what I've heard from friends and read here women can turn into super c.nts at the flick of a switch. Good luck fella.

 

[alfredmizen]

Apologies for the Mumsnet style post here, but after some thoughts/advice from likeminded folk.

Bit of background first...
Just split up with the wife after nearly 14 years together (8+ years married). Hurts like hell at the moment, and the thought of now having to live my life without her is destroying me. Been through break-ups in the past, but never felt like this through any of them.
Not in the strongest financial position at the moment, so realistically final severance will not be immediate (until we can both afford to go our separate ways and not be too detrimental to either party).
2 kids involved as well – so need to do everything as pleasantly and painlessly as possible.

My questions to you good folks are:

• what did you do to come to terms with things?
• How did you handle the reality of going back to being alone?
• What did you do to stop thinking about your ex every waking moment of the day?
• Can the legal side of things be painless if you are both amicable (which I’m hoping it will be)?
• Other than not arguing in front of them (which we aren't), what can be done to help protect the kids emotionally throughout everything (they know nothing at the moment).

Basically – any advice or tips you can give (based on your experience).

I know there’s loads of advice and stuff online that I could google – but they aint Brighton – so their opinions mean sh*t to me!

Thanks in advance.

It sounds like she wants the divorce and you dont ?

 

[alfredmizen]

I've not been divorced but my parents were and I'd say this one is the most important.

My parents tried to make my sister and me take sides, constantly dissing the other parent. You're doing the right thing in trying to protect the kids but it's not just arguing in front of them just make sure you're not putting emotional pressure on them too.

And good luck with the battles ahead.

Youre too old to use the word "dissing"

 

[Tim Over Whelmed]

Really sorry to hear this, IF it's fairly amicable the following link may help you both keep your costs down. https://amicable.io/

Good luck, take a breath before speaking when times get tough and don't listen to others, stick to facts and solutions, the kids will be going through worse then you, protect them as well as you both can.

 

[Gwylan]

Youre too old to use the word "dissing"

Move from me, blud

 

[cjd]

Everyone and situation is different and without the full facts how comes you are the expert for this situation. You are the idiot for making such a crass comment.

I thank you for your reply.

The thread was clearly titled as ; FAO; The Divorced of NSC.

I responded to this original request with three statements............all of which are repeated throughout this thread.

Your advice....hmmmmmm.......not so much eh ?

Although this forum has views covering all angles of situations, the validity of yours has as much worth as a sanctimonious Catholic Priest assuming the role of a sex therapist.


But please do carry on.......

 

[alfredmizen]

Move from me, blud

safe G

 

[FatSuperman]

These threads are remarkably difficult to read sometimes, I really struggle to hear about the pain and anguish we find ourselves in. I suppose it's all part of the rich tapestry of life, but it never seems like that.

Anyway, I would like to add a thought, which is based on the experience my sister is going through with her divorce - try and get it over and done with in fairly short order. Of course you shouldn't rush it, but do not let it be a drawn-out process, because your financial situation will only become more and more messy. My sister separated from her husband so long ago I can't even remember, 10 years probably. They are still not yet divorced. In that time, he hasn't contributed toward the mortgage as he barely earns enough to keep a roof over his own head. Therefore she is covering it all, as well as paying into her own pension. Both of these things are benefitting her husband, because of course they are technically still married, he is eligible for 50% of the joint assets.

He was always quite a nice guy (aside from cheating on my sister) but since meeting his new girlfriend about 8 years ago, he has changed drastically. I hope that your wife isn't like this, but as Bozza and others have said, the person they are today is not the same person you will be dealing with throughout this process.

Really feel for you mate, sincerely hope you come out of this with some positives one way or another.

 

[PeterOut]

I'm genuinely sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult time.

"My questions to you good folks are:
what did you do to come to terms with things? As others have said, time is the greatest healer. And however bleak it seems right now, it really, really does get better
How did you handle the reality of going back to being alone? Find a (healthy) hobby - avoid people who say 'let's go to the pub'. Stop and think for a moment, and try to recall an activity that you have always fancied trying, or stopped doing due to family pressures etc. As others have said, exercise is fabulous - it releases all kinds of natural happy stuff into your bloodstream
What did you do to stop thinking about your ex every waking moment of the day? See above. Keep busy, mentally and physically, and allow endorphins and time to work their magic
Can the legal side of things be painless if you are both amicable (which I’m hoping it will be)? Relatively painless, yes - but see below...
Other than not arguing in front of them (which we aren't), what can be done to help protect the kids emotionally throughout everything (they know nothing at the moment).Kids are anything but dumb, and will probably have an awareness already that 'things are not right'. Somehow you have to, in the short term, hit the right balance between being truthful about what is happening at the moment, and sparing them the grisly details. If at all possible, the two of you should come up with an agreed explanation, and stick to it. Just realise that many of their friends at school will also have been in their situation, and they will get a lot of advice from those sources (good and bad).

Some more general advice, based on my experiences and those of a few close friends - feel free to ignore completely, or PM me if you think it sounds useful...

1. She will get 'helpful advice' from friends. This can turn what was previously an amicable, low-cost, kids-first breakup into a snarling nightmare. If she adopts a sudden change of tack, do all you can not to react in a negative way, and calmly remind her that you had both previously agreed to do things as nicely as possible. It is very difficult to 'un-say' things said in the heat of the moment, and the only losers will be your kids, you, and your wallet.

2. You will get depressed / miserable. This is perfectly normal. The important thing is to realise that this is where you are. Once you do, you can hopefully not make daft decisions. The list is long, but others above have mentioned suicidal thoughts, alcohol, and other self-destructive behaviours. As has been said, finding an activity, preferably physical exercise, will help to stop you dwelling on things too much, and will have the added benefit of getting you healthier. Just a walk to start off with, if you have not done it for a while, then build up from there. One more detail - find a group of walkers (if that's what you take up). The benefits of company / chatting to others, rather than walking alone and retreating into yourself, are huge.

3. Very difficult to do right now - you are presumably still dealing with the shock and disruption of the here and now - but try to think of an outcome / end-game. Once you have gone through the difficult process of the breakup, where do you want to be 2 years or so from now? Try to set a few goals. Great relationship with the kids? A flat for yourself with a new mortgage? Fitter and healthier than you are now? Promoted at work? Whatever you set as a goal, start to work towards it, the sooner the better.

4. As you will need to stay under the same roof for a while, try to agree physical boundaries and routines around the house, just to avoid silly and unnecessary conflicts. Cooking, use of the bathroom, sleeping arrangements, who sits in front of the telly and when, who can bring friends round (and which friends) etc, etc - there is enough pain and hurt going around without having needless rows about stuff that is ultimately unimportant

5. Legal advice is very expensive, and is much, much more expensive if you start to argue / dispute things. Cash / assets, and access to kids, are the two things that I have seen cost an absolute fortune. Often, the cost of 'winning' some kind of financial 'advantage' is more than wiped out by the cost of legal advice. Try all the free / low-cost routes if at all possible - the only winners will be the legal sharks, the only losers will be you and your kids if you go down the confrontational legal route.

As others have said, you go through dark days at the beginning. It does take time (and cash!). But look again at how many people above have said that they are in a much better place after the divorce than before. I know that for a good while I did not think that I would ever feel happier post-divorce.

However, my life now is 10 times better than it ever was before - new partner, new home, new job, and life really is not just good again, but much better than it was before. The same can, and most likely will, happen for you

 

[Bozza]

access to kids

I was going to post about this before, but I really, really hate this phrase.

"Access" is such a horribly cold word isn't it? It presents an assumption that Mum has the kids and Dads just get the small bits of time they are given. Mum is primary, Dad is secondary. And, frankly, in many cases this isn't far from the truth of how the legal system operates.

The OP might want to check out Families Need Fathers, who will likely have local meetings of Dads going through the same thing >>> https://fnf.org.uk/