[Help] FAO: The divorced of NSC

[DJ NOBO]

I thank you for your reply.

The thread was clearly titled as ; FAO; The Divorced of NSC.

I responded to this original request with three statements............all of which are repeated throughout this thread.

Your advice....hmmmmmm.......not so much eh ?

Although this forum has views covering all angles of situations, the validity of yours has as much worth as a sanctimonious Catholic Priest assuming the role of a sex therapist.


But please do carry on.......

The worst thing the OP should have right now is false hope. It could prove disastrous both emotionally and financially. If that’s what you are saying , then that is sound advice. Of course the difficulty is knowing when justified hope turns into false hope.
From what OP has said it sounds like the marriage has gone past the point of no return, sadly.

 

[Wardy's twin]

I thank you for your reply.

The thread was clearly titled as ; FAO; The Divorced of NSC.

I responded to this original request with three statements............all of which are repeated throughout this thread.

Your advice....hmmmmmm.......not so much eh ?

Although this forum has views covering all angles of situations, the validity of yours has as much worth as a sanctimonious Catholic Priest assuming the role of a sex therapist.


But please do carry on.......

I am not fixated by the marriage 'status', it works for me but not everyone it is about the quality of the relationship that counts and what that delivers.

A lot of people rush into getting a divorce because that is the norm these days, what I am saying is clearly evaluate the situation and don't be driven by raw emotion. Clearly as two people are involved both people have to think this way.

In my original reply I clearly state that if the evaluation shows the relationship is broken then maybe it is time to give it up but be aware things do change and a surprising number of people get back with people they have divorced though more often as a friend than a lover.

You raise the subject of 'catholic priest and sex therapist' which is so off topic I assume you have a problem of some sort. Would you like to discuss ?

 

[Bozza]

Please don't ruin this petty arguments. You know who you are. Take it elsewhere (even start a new thread) if need be.

 

[ExmouthExile]

What became of your ex? Did she stay with second partner ?

Yes she’s still with him, but I think they’re both deluding themselves that everything is ok, whereas I and anyone else can see clearly that their marriage ended the day he found out that she was seeing someone else. Now he watches her like a hawk, checks her phone every day, her facebook account, he keeps on making sarcastic comments about her infidelity, he questions her on everything she’s doing while they all pretend to be one big happy family, but the trust has gone, now he can see what she is. There is a small part of me which is gloating and thinking ‘karma’s a bitch’ as far as he’s concerned, but on the whole I think it’s tragic, especially for the girls. Ironically, she turned to my shoulder to cry on when she was having the affair and thinking about leaving him and I used that opportunity to make her take a long hard look at herself. I’m not a vengeful person but if I was I wouldn’t need to do anything as some would say she got what she deserved, stuck in an unhappy marriage with more days behind her than ahead of her and all because she craved a fairytale life, well life’s not always like that unfortunately.

 

[nwgull]

To add a bit of positive slant to the thread, splitting up with my wife was the best thing that ever happened in my life. Once I’d got over the initial anger of betrayal - she’d been having an affair with someone she worked with - I starting dating new women and this helped me come to realise what a toxic relationship I’d been trapped in for the previous 6-7 years.

It is coming up to 13 years this spring since we split up and everything in my life has been on an upward trajectory since then: work has been brilliant and my social life and general life experiences have been fantastic.

I won’t deny a large degree of shadenfraude in learning recently that my ex wife’s life has become a bit shit. That’s because karma is real, and she’s a ****.

 

[LamieRobertson]

Cant add much ...apart from wish all the best to all parties concerned....as others have said kids who i am assuming aren't that old come first before the adults...keeping it civil is good for the heart and the wallet...although not knowing the reasons for the breakup ..affair? and how much resentment has built up etc...then keeping it civil could be hard, as for rebuilding your life ...in time it'll be ok...the time bit is a bit of a bugger...but you have something to live for and its them two children!
Just to add a bit that it doesn't have to get messy ..my ex is now my tennant...so we get on fine...dont ask how that works!

 

[Wardy's twin]

Please don't ruin this petty arguments. You know who you are. Take it elsewhere (even start a new thread) if need be.

Noted - it has got slightly off topic

 

[Smeagull]

Hi Last Summer, I thought I'd add my two pence as I have just been through a very similar situation. My wife broke up with me 11 months ago and I did not see it coming and was truly devastated. We also have two kids and I just couldn't fathom how she could split up the family and 12 years of being together.


what did you do to come to terms with things?
As others have said, it just takes time. I think I was finally OK with the situation after six months, but that was an extremely difficult six months for me, I struggled going to work, going out and basically getting out of bed each morning. But I'd also seen this before with my dad and his ex-wife and saw him turn to alcohol and become a shell of his former self and I was determined to not let this happen to me. So I avoided alcohol, or at least heavily drinking it, I stayed away from drugs and I tried to live on as normally as possible, going to work each day, seeing my children to keep some routine and normality in my life. I feel I did well in those six months and people have complemented me on that and said they don't know if they'd cope as well as I did so here's three things that I think helped speed up my recovery:

Self reflection - with the help of some self help books. Some that I liked in particular were 'No more Mr nice guy' by Robert A. Glover, 'Models' and 'The subtle art of not giving a ****' by Mark Manson and 'How to make friends and influence people' by Dale Carnergie. Try to understand why the break-up happened and how you can be a better person because of it.

Self improvement - If you don't already start going to the gym. Start lifting weights, set yourself goals, lose weight, gain muscle and keep going. I'd never been to the gym before, I wasn't particularly skinny or fat but I had a dad bod that I was never really happy with. I would go 4-5 times a week and some days it was the only thing I looked forward to. You'll start feeling mentally better when you start getting physically better.

Talking through your thoughts and feelings - At first I wouldn't talk to anyone, I'd just say "I'm fine" whenever someone asked how I was. It wasn't until I started talking to friends and family and one close friend in particular that I finally started coming to terms with it and actually started understanding how I was feeling.

Oh and something else. Remove all links to her you have over social media, Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat etc. if you have them. Trust me seeing her out clubbing with her friends enjoying herself only adds to the pain.


How did you handle the reality of going back to being alone?
Being alone is never easy after being with someone for so long but I would recommend seeing friends, days out (the footy always cheered me up) and keeping active.
And is being alone actually a bad thing? Now is the time to think about all those things that you've always wanted to do but have never had the time. Make a list and start crossing things off it, always wanted to learn guitar? now's the time. Fancy yourself as an artist? then go draw. Want to travel the world? play 5-a-side? learn kung fu? ballroom dance? Rock climb? There are so many things to do for fun that you've been missing out on, start doing them.


What did you do to stop thinking about your ex every waking moment of the day?
Keep yourself busy - as above.
Start improving yourself physically, get some hobbies, see your friends and make new ones. Once you start doing this you'll soon start forgetting her.
But you'll also get the added benefit of a boost of confidence, physically looking better and lots of cool stories from all the cool new hobbies you're doing. People will start noticing you more including the fairer sex, which again will help you start forgetting what's her name. Believe me, I am now a more interesting, more attractive person than I was 11 months ago. I understand where the relationship went wrong and now realise that it was always doomed and that I was fooling myself thinking it wasn't. I get more interest from women and have starting seeing someone more beautiful, smarter, funnier and five years younger than my ex. Something which my ex was not happy about.


Can the legal side of things be painless if you are both amicable (which I’m hoping it will be)?
Like you, we are not in a strong financial position so are hoping to keep it amicable and avoid lawyers and courts. Obviously it's still early days but it's so far so good. We are now talking frequently (when before I would just block her calls) and we are getting on and organising things with and for the kids. I have a small rented flat but enough room to have the children over 3 nights a week (which happily she allows and I'm lucky in that sense considering some of the horror stories I've heard) and I give her maintenance each month towards them (I used the government website to calculate this and added some extra on top for clothes/childcare etc.)


Other than not arguing in front of them (which we aren't), what can be done to help protect the kids emotionally throughout everything (they know nothing at the moment).
Like you said don't argue in front of them, don't bad-mouth your ex to them and whenever you're with them try to be happy and have fun with them.



Sorry for the long post but I hope some of the info will be of use to you.

 

[DJ NOBO]

Yes she’s still with him, but I think they’re both deluding themselves that everything is ok, whereas I and anyone else can see clearly that their marriage ended the day he found out that she was seeing someone else. Now he watches her like a hawk, checks her phone every day, her facebook account, he keeps on making sarcastic comments about her infidelity, he questions her on everything she’s doing while they all pretend to be one big happy family, but the trust has gone, now he can see what she is. There is a small part of me which is gloating and thinking ‘karma’s a bitch’ as far as he’s concerned, but on the whole I think it’s tragic, especially for the girls. Ironically, she turned to my shoulder to cry on when she was having the affair and thinking about leaving him and I used that opportunity to make her take a long hard look at herself. I’m not a vengeful person but if I was I wouldn’t need to do anything as some would say she got what she deserved, stuck in an unhappy marriage with more days behind her than ahead of her and all because she craved a fairytale life, well life’s not always like that unfortunately.

Glad to hear you didn't give her too much of your time when , suprisre suprise , she knocked on your door again. And you have every right to feel a bit smug at the situation she finds herself in.
I hope you fully rebuild in time . Don't be her mug

 

[Brighton Mod]

No easy way, you now have to start thinking about yourself.

1. Think of the worse times you have had with her. because it can go back there very quickly and more,
2. Don't allow the children to used as leaverage
3. Its amicable now, until you have a disagreement and that will come
4. Solicitors will use your situation to sting you, pay your bill monthly and have it itemised
5. Its not coming back so move on in your mind
6. DONT WORRY ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK, YOU DONT HAVE TO JUSTIFY ANYTHING TO ANYONE
7. Your not the first to get divorced and you won't be the last
8. Do not accept that you will come off worse, I didn't, its a common misconception
9. Don't confide or dump emotion on your children, if she wants to fine, stand above it
10. Start the proceedings yourself, don't wait for her and don't bend to unreasonable requests, you have to be mentally tough, single minded and sure of your position, she's moving out of your life. Don't let solicitors make your decisions, they are guided by only one motive, your money.

My life changed for the better when I divorced,best move of my life, make it yours and don't mope around feeling sorry for yourself, thats the best I can give!

 

[Durlston]

I just want to wish you and your family all the best, Last Summer.

I'm afraid I'm not much help when it comes to long-term relationships but there's some amazing advice on here that will hopefully help you and seeing your kids very regularly. All the best mate.

 

[forumwayseagull]

Very best of luck to you. When my life unraveled (my choice and I should have been braver to have done it years earlier) my dad said to me... 'put your tin hat on son, be strong and you will get through it'
Wise words indeed. I discovered like many on here that I lost friends, gained new ones and then met the love of my life and have never ever been happier (7 years down the line and happily married'

Solicitors unfortunately made things messy and although I never said anything bad about my daughters mum, that was unfortunately not replicated, so that has caused unnecessary pain....

Anyway, stay strong, keep smiling and one word of advice....sometimes these things are necessary in the long run so don't beat yourself up or blame yourself. Keep your head up even when bumping into people who you would rather avoid...
good luck

 

[Weststander]

A lot of people rush into getting a divorce because that is the norm these days, what I am saying is clearly evaluate the situation and don't be driven by raw emotion. Clearly as two people are involved both people have to think this way.

In my original reply I clearly state that if the evaluation shows the relationship is broken then maybe it is time to give it up but be aware things do change and a surprising number of people get back with people they have divorced though more often as a friend than a lover.

You've made really important points.

If there's any hope of staying together and making a new start, beyond the raw emotions for example if one party had cheated on the other, especially if there are kids both parties should give it every last opportunity within reason. Couples and families can come through this. It will take inevitable pain, honesty and time. Obviously this will only truly work if both parties deep down, beyond the vitriol and egos, would like to try.

(Said from someone with absolutely no interest in religion or 'old fashioned values').

 

[nelson73]

was in a similiar situation 6 years ago.theirs been some great advice on this thread..and id echo all thats been said.i personally started to paint and draw again which occupied my mind and i even found i could help others through art..stay strong and well and remember you are not alone

 

[Tom Hark Preston Park]

Apologies for the Mumsnet style post here, but after some thoughts/advice from likeminded folk.

Bit of background first...
Just split up with the wife after nearly 14 years together (8+ years married). Hurts like hell at the moment, and the thought of now having to live my life without her is destroying me. Been through break-ups in the past, but never felt like this through any of them.
Not in the strongest financial position at the moment, so realistically final severance will not be immediate (until we can both afford to go our separate ways and not be too detrimental to either party).
2 kids involved as well – so need to do everything as pleasantly and painlessly as possible.

My questions to you good folks are:

• what did you do to come to terms with things?
• How did you handle the reality of going back to being alone?
• What did you do to stop thinking about your ex every waking moment of the day?
• Can the legal side of things be painless if you are both amicable (which I’m hoping it will be)?
• Other than not arguing in front of them (which we aren't), what can be done to help protect the kids emotionally throughout everything (they know nothing at the moment).

Basically – any advice or tips you can give (based on your experience).

I know there’s loads of advice and stuff online that I could google – but they aint Brighton – so their opinions mean sh*t to me!

Thanks in advance.

Best 3 pieces of advice I can offer you are, in order of importance:

1. Always put your kids first. Drop any other plans you may have in order to to spend extra time with them. Sounds from your post like you're the injured party here. Your missus may well find it convenient going forward to ask you to take the kids at short notice so she can do her own thing. Never say no. Build a strong relationship with your kids. Give them space and always be there for them.They won't be kids forever and they'll always remember.

2. Don't ever slag off your missus in front of your kids.

3. Don't get into a he-said she-said slanging match via solicitors with your missus, cos they will be more than happy to take your money for every letter you care to send/respond to.




It'll seem like a very deep very dark hole for a while. Maybe even a couple of years. But it WILL get better. Good luck and take care.

 

[Weststander]

Best 3 pieces of advice I can offer you are, in order of importance:

1. Always put your kids first. Drop any other plans you may have in order to to spend extra time with them. Sounds from your post like you're the injured party here. Your missus may well find it convenient going forward to ask you to take the kids at short notice so she can do her own thing. Never say no. Build a strong relationship with your kids. Give them space and always be there for them.They won't be kids forever and they'll always remember.

2. Don't ever slag off your missus in front of your kids.

3. Don't get into a he-said she-said slanging match via solicitors with your missus, cos they will be more than happy to take your money for every letter you care to send/respond to.




It'll seem like a very deep very dark hole for a while. Maybe even a couple of years. But it WILL get better. Good luck and take care.

4. [MENTION=12064]Last Summer[/MENTION] - look after your self, as well as the kids. Do what makes YOU feel a bit better, see your GP, get counselling, look after yourself physically, allow yourself to cry, talk, whatever it takes over time. Your life matters.

 

[Last Summer]

Guys - I'd like to thank each and everyone of you for taking time to post on this thread (and also the PM's) - it really does mean a lot.

Reading a lot of the posts on here has emphasised my initial thoughts that it was going to be tough emotionally, but knowing there's light at the end of the tunnel (no matter how long it is), is at least some comfort.

Despite everything that's happened, if i could flip that switch in her head and stop this whole thing tomorrow - of course i would. But the chances of that are remote, so it's now a case of focusing on being as friendly as possible for the kids.

I still have enough trust in her that she won't be too rough on me with regards to kids/finances. The kids are 2 and 7, so she's going to want some occasional time away from them/nights out. So I need to be able to rent a place big enough to accommodate them. As we've had a joint account the last 11 years - she knows exactly what I earn and spend already, so that should help somewhat when it comes to the settlement.

To every one of you who said "go for a run/get fit" - I hate you! - I was perfectly happy with the earlier "walk" suggestion, but tomorrow night i'll be dusting of the trainers and taking your advice! (I have a sneaky feeling the wife put you up to those suggestions though - as i suffer spontaneous pneumothoraxes - and i'm worth more dead than I am alive!)

Once again, thanks to each and everyone of you for sharing your experiences. You've been a great help, and I really appreciate you giving your time to assist a bloke you've never even met before!

Much love.

 

[Mackenzie]

Guys - I'd like to thank each and everyone of you for taking time to post on this thread (and also the PM's) - it really does mean a lot.

Reading a lot of the posts on here has emphasised my initial thoughts that it was going to be tough emotionally, but knowing there's light at the end of the tunnel (no matter how long it is), is at least some comfort.

Despite everything that's happened, if i could flip that switch in her head and stop this whole thing tomorrow - of course i would. But the chances of that are remote, so it's now a case of focusing on being as friendly as possible for the kids.

I still have enough trust in her that she won't be too rough on me with regards to kids/finances. The kids are 2 and 7, so she's going to want some occasional time away from them/nights out. So I need to be able to rent a place big enough to accommodate them. As we've had a joint account the last 11 years - she knows exactly what I earn and spend already, so that should help somewhat when it comes to the settlement.

To every one of you who said "go for a run/get fit" - I hate you! - I was perfectly happy with the earlier "walk" suggestion, but tomorrow night i'll be dusting of the trainers and taking your advice! (I have a sneaky feeling the wife put you up to those suggestions though - as i suffer spontaneous pneumothoraxes - and i'm worth more dead than I am alive!)

Once again, thanks to each and everyone of you for sharing your experiences. You've been a great help, and I really appreciate you giving your time to assist a bloke you've never even met before!

Much love.

Good luck.

 

[HantsSeagull]

not read the whole thread so probably repeating the words of many others BUT

- the whole system is designed to be adversarial and to keep lawyers in business. Avoid going legal at pretty much all costs - because whatever you think you might lose financially will be nothing compared to the costs of solicitors and barristers sending shitty letters to each other at 300 quid an hour for 6 months.

- rise above any nasty stuff from the other side and put the kids first

It will be a grim year or so but you will come out the other side - i know.

 

[sully]

One thing that I can’t see anyone having covered (sorry if I’ve just missed it) is when to tell the kids.

I’d say they need to know as soon as possible. Don’t let them find out by accident.

I really hope you can keep things amicable and that you can work out a solution that works for everyone. Sadly, I discovered quite quickly that my ex was the most vindictive person I’ve ever known and it still shocks me how she turned from someone I used to love to someone I can’t even talk to. She tried to poison my kids and destroy me financially and very nearly succeeded in both aims.

You will also find out who your real friends are. Some will be a real shock both ways. However, staying reasonable to everyone is definitely the way forward as she managed to alienate many friends by speaking badly of me to them in front of my kids. She has only herself to blame for being single still after 15 years and having few friends.

Going back to old hobbies and immersing myself in all things Albion helped me through the heartbreak all those years ago and also reunited me with an old friend who is now my wife. If only we’d realised when we first met how compatible we were and what a happy life we would have together!