[Help] FAO: The divorced of NSC

[Last Summer]

Apologies for the Mumsnet style post here, but after some thoughts/advice from likeminded folk.

Bit of background first...
Just split up with the wife after nearly 14 years together (8+ years married). Hurts like hell at the moment, and the thought of now having to live my life without her is destroying me. Been through break-ups in the past, but never felt like this through any of them.
Not in the strongest financial position at the moment, so realistically final severance will not be immediate (until we can both afford to go our separate ways and not be too detrimental to either party).
2 kids involved as well – so need to do everything as pleasantly and painlessly as possible.

My questions to you good folks are:

• what did you do to come to terms with things?
• How did you handle the reality of going back to being alone?
• What did you do to stop thinking about your ex every waking moment of the day?
• Can the legal side of things be painless if you are both amicable (which I’m hoping it will be)?
• Other than not arguing in front of them (which we aren't), what can be done to help protect the kids emotionally throughout everything (they know nothing at the moment).

Basically – any advice or tips you can give (based on your experience).

I know there’s loads of advice and stuff online that I could google – but they aint Brighton – so their opinions mean sh*t to me!

Thanks in advance.

 

[Buzzer]

From my own experience, you're going to lose friends and you're going to lose a lot of money. The friends that stick with you are the ones that you want to thank big time when you're through all this. Best of luck matey and I do mean that.

 

[Triggaaar]

Just split up with the wife after nearly 14 years together (8+ years married).

Sorry to hear that

I've not been through it, but here goes anyway:

Can the legal side of things be painless if you are both amicable (which I’m hoping it will be)?

Reading your situation above, this is obviously not going to be painless. So the legal side can be done well, albeit with pain, or it can be a nasty vindictive mess. Hopefully just the former. The less you antagonise each other, the better chance you have of getting the legal side done with the minimum pain and cost.

Other than not arguing in front of them (which we aren't), what can be done to help protect the kids emotionally throughout everything (they know nothing at the moment).

Reinforce that it's not their fault. Even when doing that, a lot of kids will absorb some of the blame. The more civil you can both be, the better for the kids.

 

[Uncle Spielberg]

Apologies for the Mumsnet style post here, but after some thoughts/advice from likeminded folk.

Bit of background first...
Just split up with the wife after nearly 14 years together (8+ years married). Hurts like hell at the moment, and the thought of now having to live my life without her is destroying me. Been through break-ups in the past, but never felt like this through any of them.
Not in the strongest financial position at the moment, so realistically final severance will not be immediate (until we can both afford to go our separate ways and not be too detrimental to either party).
2 kids involved as well – so need to do everything as pleasantly and painlessly as possible.

My questions to you good folks are:

• what did you do to come to terms with things?
• How did you handle the reality of going back to being alone?
• What did you do to stop thinking about your ex every waking moment of the day?
• Can the legal side of things be painless if you are both amicable (which I’m hoping it will be)?
• Other than not arguing in front of them (which we aren't), what can be done to help protect the kids emotionally throughout everything (they know nothing at the moment).

Basically – any advice or tips you can give (based on your experience).

I know there’s loads of advice and stuff online that I could google – but they aint Brighton – so their opinions mean sh*t to me!

Thanks in advance.

BIG respect to you. Stay strong

 

[Ding Dong !]

Sorry to hear. Having been through this some 18 years ago it's extremely important to keep it civil and amicable.....for the sake of yourself/wife and children and your pocket !!! I have a very good relationship with my ex because we kept it very amicable without bringing the kids into the mess at the time. Good luck.

amicable amicable amicable hooker amicable amicable amicable ( joking on the middle bit )

 

[Hastings gull]

Apologies for the Mumsnet style post here, but after some thoughts/advice from likeminded folk.

Bit of background first...
Just split up with the wife after nearly 14 years together (8+ years married). Hurts like hell at the moment, and the thought of now having to live my life without her is destroying me. Been through break-ups in the past, but never felt like this through any of them.
Not in the strongest financial position at the moment, so realistically final severance will not be immediate (until we can both afford to go our separate ways and not be too detrimental to either party).
2 kids involved as well – so need to do everything as pleasantly and painlessly as possible.

My questions to you good folks are:

• what did you do to come to terms with things?
• How did you handle the reality of going back to being alone?
• What did you do to stop thinking about your ex every waking moment of the day?
• Can the legal side of things be painless if you are both amicable (which I’m hoping it will be)?
• Other than not arguing in front of them (which we aren't), what can be done to help protect the kids emotionally throughout everything (they know nothing at the moment).

Basically – any advice or tips you can give (based on your experience).

I know there’s loads of advice and stuff online that I could google – but they aint Brighton – so their opinions mean sh*t to me!

Thanks in advance.

Thinking of the kids, it is absolutely imperative that you both are seen to be working amicably in their best interests -not yours. This must mean no arguing or using the kids to get at each other - you say this is not happening, so that is a plus. When you go your separate ways, again,think of the kids - where are the schools, and make sure that you do not move too far away -it might suit you but the child could have a very long journey, or have to change schools and leave their friends. Try to avoid lawyers -that could well mean that your respective positions may become uncomfortably entrenched -and be as fair and flexible as possible, willing to compromise, when custody is organised. Take turns at weekends for example. If you do then find another partner, and obviously the same goes for your wife, then there must not be any antagonism and jealousy in front of the kids -that could push them to favouring one party over the other - this would be fatal. Hope this helps - what i learnt from many years of pastoral work in schools.

 

[Gwylan]

[*] Other than not arguing in front of them (which we aren't), what can be done to help protect the kids emotionally throughout everything (they know nothing at the moment).

I've not been divorced but my parents were and I'd say this one is the most important.

My parents tried to make my sister and me take sides, constantly dissing the other parent. You're doing the right thing in trying to protect the kids but it's not just arguing in front of them just make sure you're not putting emotional pressure on them too.

And good luck with the battles ahead.

 

[ferring seagull]

Apologies for the Mumsnet style post here, but after some thoughts/advice from likeminded folk.

Bit of background first...
Just split up with the wife after nearly 14 years together (8+ years married). Hurts like hell at the moment, and the thought of now having to live my life without her is destroying me. Been through break-ups in the past, but never felt like this through any of them.
Not in the strongest financial position at the moment, so realistically final severance will not be immediate (until we can both afford to go our separate ways and not be too detrimental to either party).
2 kids involved as well – so need to do everything as pleasantly and painlessly as possible.

My questions to you good folks are:

• what did you do to come to terms with things?
• How did you handle the reality of going back to being alone?
• What did you do to stop thinking about your ex every waking moment of the day?
• Can the legal side of things be painless if you are both amicable (which I’m hoping it will be)?
• Other than not arguing in front of them (which we aren't), what can be done to help protect the kids emotionally throughout everything (they know nothing at the moment).

Basically – any advice or tips you can give (based on your experience).

I know there’s loads of advice and stuff online that I could google – but they aint Brighton – so their opinions mean sh*t to me!

Thanks in advance.

Assuming it is irretrievable (but really do try that one last time), honestly if there is a way find it as mainly peops regret it for ever.

but just one immediate suggestion,

STAY OFF LARGE QUANTITIES OF ALCOHOL that is if you are not teatotal already.

 

[AmexRuislip]

You need to keep busy and occupied.
There will be times when you'll get low.
Go for walks de-stress.
Talk to family and friends, don't be a recluse.
This helps:
https://www.moneyadviceservice.org....-agreements-instead-of-divorce-or-dissolution

Good luck

 

[Magic Sponge]

Very sorry to hear this, stay strong.

 

[shwoody1]

As others have said really try to keep it amicable for your kids and your own sake, like most things in life time will heal. In dark times i used to sit and think of the good times we had which really did not help, this might sound a little hoirrible but when i started to think more of the bad times arguments etc it kind of started to make sense,if your friends are real friends they wont take sides and help you both through it, we never involved anyone of our friends in our split so thats all ok, looking forward dont rush into anything when the pain starts to ease, think of yourself and get used to living with yourself and be sure to concentrate on your kids without ever moaning about your ex to them,its bloody hard but you will get there, all the very best to you!

 

[Lush]

One of the main things is that - legally - no one cares who did what to whom and when.

It's all about what's best for the kids, including staying in their own home and ensuring their lives are as unaffected as possible re lifestyle/schooling/parenting etc.

 

[Return of the Rev]

Time and cups of tea and shagging the hell out of some right hot bit of totti. Will take a while before you are ready to commit again. Don't rush back in a relationship too soon, stay friends for the kids sake. Good luck fella

 

[The Brighton Bear]

Sorry to hear. Having been through this some 18 years ago it's extremely important to keep it civil and amicable.....for the sake of yourself/wife and children and your pocket !!! I have a very good relationship with my ex because we kept it very amicable without bringing the kids into the mess at the time. Good luck.

Exactly this!

 

[Sarisbury Seagull]

Everyone is different so this may not apply to you but my advice would be to keep company as much as possible. I found being on my own so difficult, I went into a really lonely, dark place and had this constant emptiness inside. When I was with friends or family it was easier to deal with.

I had to go back and live with my parents who luckily for me were incredibly supportive but to start with most nights I would disappear off into my single bedroom on my own and looking back, it wasn’t good for me.

Find other things to focus on. For me it was a combination of work, running and the Albion. I started a new job which gave me something to concentrate on. My mindset (rightly or wrongly) was I’m going to do really well in my career and become really fit so that I meet someone else great and she regrets ever losing me. It might not be the best attitude but it helped me at the time.

The main thing is there is no magic trick to make it all better but time is an amazing healer. That emptiness and despair you feel at the moment will go but it does take time.

7 years on I’m happier than ever, I met an amazing woman and we now live in a lovey house with 2 beautiful children.

Stick with the Albion too, go to games as much as possible. The fans, Poyet, Murray, Barnes and co. massively helped me then. It does feel like a family at times like this. The day after myself and my ex wife finally split for good, Murray scored a hat trick, we beat Orient 5.0 and I remember thinking, it’s not all bad!

Good luck mate.

 

[Weststander]

Do what makes YOU feel better. It might be a duvet day, watching football, meeting a friend. Do not let your career, health, fitness, self care go to pot.

Go to legal mediation. Do not line the pockets of two firms of solicitors, who thrive on division. Protect your financial interests, so that in the heat of emotions don’t sign away your home equity and/or give yourself maintenance commitments that will cripple your new life for many years ahead.

 

[SULLY COULDNT SHOOT]

Divorced 21 years ago now in second marriage and there have been bumps but still together. Quite honestly we are talking about human beings here so no advice is going to cut it as we are all so different. Just keep strong, believe in yourself and take each day as it comes. Don't lose sleep and worry about the things you can't control. Just get yourself in the right frame of mind to take advantage of the rest of your life. Do what you can that you can for the kids and make sure they know you are always there for them. make sure they know that they are not the cause nor the victimized. beginning to sound like desiderata here ( and I said each case was different) so will stop. Good luck on the rest of you life mate.

 

[Weststander]

Everyone is different so this may not apply to you but my advice would be to keep company as much as possible. I found being on my own so difficult, I went into a really lonely, dark place and had this constant emptiness inside. When I was with friends or family it was easier to deal with.

I had to go back and live with my parents who luckily for me were incredibly supportive but to start with most nights I would disappear off into my single bedroom on my own and looking back, it wasn’t good for me.

Find other things to focus on. For me it was a combination of work, running and the Albion. I started a new job which gave me something to concentrate on. My mindset (rightly or wrongly) was I’m going to do really well in my career and become really fit so that I meet someone else great and she regrets ever losing me. It might not be the best attitude but it helped me at the time.

The main thing is there is no magic trick to make it all better but time is an amazing healer. That emptiness and despair you feel at the moment will go but it does take time.

7 years on I’m happier than ever, I met an amazing woman and we now live in a lovey house with 2 beautiful children.

Stick with the Albion too, go to games as much as possible. The fans, Poyet, Murray, Barnes and co. massively helped me then. It does feel like a family at times like this. The day after myself and my ex wife finally split for good, Murray scored a hat trick, we beat Orient 5.0 and I remember thinking, it’s not all bad!

Good luck mate.

Great post.

I missed that 5-0 on New Years Day, mistakenly thinking it was 3pm kickoff!

 

[Bozza]

• Can the legal side of things be painless if you are both amicable (which I’m hoping it will be)?
• Other than not arguing in front of them (which we aren't), what can be done to help protect the kids emotionally throughout everything (they know nothing at the moment).

My thoughts are with you.

I can't answer some of your points because my circumstances were different to how yours sound, but I can chip in on the two above.

My wife and I got on well through the divorce. Indeed, the day the formal divorce papers arrived was the day we were going off to Florida together "as a family" with my daughter. We still did many things together - days out, Christmas together etc and put her first throughout. As such the divorce was highly amicable - I volunteered most of the equity in our home and a monthly maintenance in excess of what I would be compelled to pay. As such, both of our legal costs were small. I couldn't tell you how much now - it was some time ago - but my recollections were just having a solicitor give things the once over to make sure nothing silly was being done.

However, and this is my word of caution, regardless of how amicable things are now, they can change. I don't want to go into too many details on here, because stuff on here often comes back to me, but the relationship deteriorated markedly. All I'll say is make sure you don't leave too much open to goodwill - it's better to have it in black and white and agreed, even if it seems excessive to do so now.

You don't say how old your kids are, but they often prove to be more robust than you think they might be. Just always put them first and, if it comes to it, don't get dragged down to a level you don't want to be at. It's not always easy.

Good luck.

 

[Buzzer]

The other thing I'd add is try to steer clear of making negative comments about your ex in front of your children. My ex and I had an agreement never to do that and although it was difficult at times, it was definitely worth it in the long run.