Describe YOUR typical Christmas Day here

[Meade's Ball]

Last year my Christmas had me necking about 8 unchosen pills, none of which were built for fun or dance or bandy-legged eye-throbbing lust. Just to stop me going epileptic and the vicious tub of air inside my scalp being slowly deflated and words like Andrex and Government and Dermatology returning.
I had about 17 naps and strolled solitudinally along London streets to try and remember what houses were and remove the limp that still lives despite my earnest work.

Anyway, this year, i am spending the day alone. I plan to jog, play football frozenly in an urban concrete pitch with unmovable iron posts, and return to my hovel afterwards to read books. In the afternoon i cook for only myself, so, this week i have quorny canine intentions. I want a huge lump of vegetarianism that i can carve into the shape of a dog. I am yet to calculate which hound, but i want one. I will make a face too. One of pity and disgust and wishes for teeth and bone. I will roast the heartless beast and eat it's unhappy head with vegetables and gravy by about dusk. Th eleftovers of it's huge nob and diseased tongue i will sandwich on Boxing Day and revel in.
It should be lonely, tearful, learned and good, that Christmas.

 

[Everest]

Get up, go to work, go home, count me dosh, go to bed.

 

[Tight shorts]

What's with all this fuss about snowballs?

I meant the frothy advocat type. Apologies if my inverted commas caused confusion.

 

[Rougvie]

 

[Napper]

wake up , get pissed , eat dinner , get more pissed, pass out

 

[Mr Blobby]

Port Vale on the 23rd stopping at brother-in-laws and family in Newtown Wales

Christmas eve drive down to Brecon to staying with wifes parents.

Early am wife and parents In-Laws go off to Church, I will have another 40 winks in bed (winks I said winks)

When they get back from Church head off to a Cottage that the rest of the Wifes family have hired for Christmas (5 from Belgium, 4 from various other parts of Wales)

Lunch

Play some game that somebody will have been given for Christmas (2 years ago we had blind whiskey tasting - 6 different varieties and they all tasted like sh*t to me - hope somebody gets a lager drinking game this year!!)

Some nice wines/port/snacks for rest of the afternoon. Hours of intelligent conversation, slowly sinking down to my level once the alcohol kicks in on everyone else

Drive parents in law back to there house, we get the guest suite.

Not too late to bed as long drive back to Withdean (from Brecon) for the Yeovil match, then to my Mums (and my 2 sisters and there kids) for Christmas number 2

27th My birthday

28th Off to Tobago for 2 weeks
13th Jan - off to Kenya for a week
22nd back to work - booooooooooooooooooooooo booooooooooooooooooooooooooooo boooooooooooooooooooo
23rd open credit card bill - ARRRGGgggHHHHHHgggHHHHhhhhh, get somebody else to check that the comma is in the right place! Phone bank manager and wish him a happy Christmas and prosperous new year!

 

[hans kraay fan club]

No one goes to Church then?

06.30 Early wake up call from kids. "Yaaay Santa's been".
06.40 Kids rip open pressies from Santa.
07.00 Back to semi-sleep for an hour if really lucky.
08.00 Breakfast
09.00 CHURCH. This being part of my Catholic wife's traditional xmas, rather than mine, but I don't mind. I think its important for the kids to think about something other than toys and chocolate for an hour.
10.00 Back to in-laws, for kids to play with early pressies.
11.00 My folks arrive from Brighton, with one more pressie for each kid. Only one mind, save the rest for tomorrow, when we head down to Withers for the match.
12.00 Pre-lunch visit to the local.
13.00 ENORMOUS XMAS LUNCH
15.00 In-laws, parents, wife, off for traditional festive walk around the village. Stay behind for traditional festive "well somebody has to stay and watch the kids" veg out.
16.30 Big pressie opening session.
18.00 - 24.00 Blur of drink, food, pressies, drink, TV, food and drink.

 

[Moshe Gariani]

their

 

[hans kraay fan club]

their

 

[Uncle Buck]

1030 Either crawl in too parents having passed out on mates sofa or wake up with stinking hangover.
1035 Reach for the bucks fizz, best get rid of hangover
1200 Present opening time, oh shirts.
1400 Go and see elderly god parent in nursing home
1430 Pop round to former work colleagues in town for smoke
1700 Meander home
1730 Tuck in to huge Christmas dinner, munchines nicely kicking in at this point
2000 pretend to help clear up, but generally torment the dog.
2100 Collapse in chair with a bottle of vintage port
2105 Attempt to watch the episode of Dr Who that was recorded earlier.
2200 Finish Port
2300 Get told to take dog for walk, so more tormenting.
2330 Attempt to open door with angry dog
2340 Pass out.

 

[Trufflehound]

7.15 Wake up.
7.16 Throw alarm clock out of window.
7.16 + 10 seconds. Make mental note to open window first next time.
7.17 Call glazier.
7.20 Back to bed.
9.30 Morning shit.
9.31 Get out of bed to avoid Mrs T's flailing fists.
9.32 Blame the dog.
10.00 Breakfast.
10.02 Let out almighty fart.
10.03 Blame the dog.
10.30 Admit to Mrs T I forgot to buy her a present.
10.31 Leave kitchen to avoid Mrs T's flailing fists.
10.32 Blame the dog.
10.40 Collect my clothes from front garden.
10.41 Wave to glazier and wish him luck.
11.00 Buy pork pie and 6-pack of Speical Brew from Londis.
11.01 Eat pork pie.
11.30 Return home to find locks changed.
12.15 Consume last of 6-pack of Special Brew.
12.16 Urinate on next door's rhododenron.
12.17 Duck to avoid neighbour's flailing fists.
12.18 Blame the dog.
12.30 Enter pub.
14.00 Throw up on bar.
14.01 Blame the dog.
14.02 Duck to avoid landlord's flailing fists.
14.02 + 1 second. Smash forehead into bar.
23.58 Wake up in casualty.
23.59 Blame the dog.

 

[Springal]

03:30 get in from town rather pissed
10:30 wake up with a mouth like a cat litter
11:00 have a shower and get ready
11:20 random moaning about stuff from mum while preparing the veggies to take round my aunties
12:00 open some presents from mum,dad,brother
13:00 set off round aunties
13:30 have a few nibblies, beers and general static chat "how are you" "hows work" etc
15:00 sit down to work, a bit full of due to too much nibbles and beer
16:30 finished 3 courses of nice dinner, fart alot
17:30 more beer and present opening
20:00 tuck into buffet of turkey sandwiches and other posh food that gets bought once a year
22:00 feel rather sloshed on beer by now so sleep for a bit
23:30 leave for home
23:45 bed

 

[Guinness Boy]

First Xmas in England for 4 years for me and the first as a parent so the usual routine's right out of the window. I suspect it will go:

4am - feed baby
7am - feed baby, allow wife to open presents, make coffee.
8am - make smoked salmon and scrambled eggs for breakfast like I used to. Watch it go cold while we change bub's nappy.
12 - some sort of sandwhich for lunch as we go through which DVDs we can watch that we don't mind pausing for an hour or so every other hour.
1pm - attempt to show baby how to use his present. Get a nice bit of drool in the face for my troubles
5pm - start dinner - roast rib of beef and roast potatoes as there are only 2 of us in the flat that eat solid food. Pour a nice glass of shiraz.
5.01 - put down the shiraz feeling guilty about being drunk in charge of a baby.
7 - take the beef and spuds out of the oven just in time for baby to decide he needs feeding and changing. Watch dinner go cold.
12 - put baby down. Have un-guilty can of Guinness. Volunteer for the night feed.

It is all well worth it though

 

[CHAPPERS]

Wake up
few presents
brekkie
put meat in
PUB
home to cook rest of dinner
dinner
more presents
watch tele and that
bed

This year off round to a mates in the evening to get massively shartfaced.

 

[tedebear]

First Xmas in England for 4 years for me and the first as a parent so the usual routine's right out of the window. I suspect it will go:

4am - feed baby
7am - feed baby, allow wife to open presents, make coffee.
8am - make smoked salmon and scrambled eggs for breakfast like I used to. Watch it go cold while we change bub's nappy.
12 - some sort of sandwhich for lunch as we go through which DVDs we can watch that we don't mind pausing for an hour or so every other hour.
1pm - attempt to show baby how to use his present. Get a nice bit of drool in the face for my troubles
5pm - start dinner - roast rib of beef and roast potatoes as there are only 2 of us in the flat that eat solid food. Pour a nice glass of shiraz.
5.01 - put down the shiraz feeling guilty about being drunk in charge of a baby.
7 - take the beef and spuds out of the oven just in time for baby to decide he needs feeding and changing. Watch dinner go cold.
12 - put baby down. Have un-guilty can of Guinness. Volunteer for the night feed.

It is all well worth it though

It does get better - although I do remember Arthur being absolutely shit scared of the noise of wrapping paper being torn up and thrown about!! He was 3 months old at his first Christmas...

 

[Guinness Boy]

It does get better - although I do remember Arthur being absolutely shit scared of the noise of wrapping paper being torn up and thrown about!! He was 3 months old at his first Christmas...

I'm not really complaining, it is so rewarding

I just can't work out how as a MAN I can get a rare joint of beef and perfect fluffy roast spuds to be ready at the same time but am completly incapable of timing this to happen at a time that's convieniant for the little one

 

[Mr Blobby]

First Xmas in England for 4 years for me and the first as a parent so the usual routine's right out of the window. I suspect it will go:

4am - feed baby
7am - feed baby, allow wife to open presents, make coffee.
8am - make smoked salmon and scrambled eggs for breakfast like I used to. Watch it go cold while we change bub's nappy.
12 - some sort of sandwhich for lunch as we go through which DVDs we can watch that we don't mind pausing for an hour or so every other hour.
1pm - attempt to show baby how to use his present. Get a nice bit of drool in the face for my troubles
5pm - start dinner - roast rib of beef and roast potatoes as there are only 2 of us in the flat that eat solid food. Pour a nice glass of shiraz.
5.01 - put down the shiraz feeling guilty about being drunk in charge of a baby.
7 - take the beef and spuds out of the oven just in time for baby to decide he needs feeding and changing. Watch dinner go cold.
12 - put baby down. Have un-guilty can of Guinness. Volunteer for the night feed.

It is all well worth it though

Your routine before you had the baby was


4am - feed yourself cold kebab bought on way home legless late Christmas eve
7am - feed yourself kebab found under the pillow.
8am - make smoked salmon and scrambled eggs for breakfast like I used to. Rush off to throw up!.
12 - some sort of sandwhich for lunch as we go through which DVDs we can watch that we don't mind pausing for an hour or so every other hour for a quickie.
1pm - attempt to show girlfriend how to use her present. Get a nice bit of drool in the face for my troubles
5pm - start dinner - roast rib of beef and roast potatoes as there are only 2 of us in the flat that eat solid food. Pour a nice glass of shiraz.
5.01 - put down the shiraz feeling guilty about being drunk and its effect on performance in bed much later.
7 - take the beef and spuds out of the oven just in time for girlfriend to decide she needs a cuddle after getting all emotional after a glass of wine. Watch dinner go cold.
12 - wondering why you didnt use protection - thinking this time in a few years I could have a small baby about!!
. Volunteer for the night feed ie raid cold turkey from fridge as wake up with the munchies.

 

[Guinness Boy]

Your routine before you had the baby was


4am - feed yourself cold kebab bought on way home legless late Christmas eve
7am - feed yourself kebab found under the pillow.
8am - make smoked salmon and scrambled eggs for breakfast like I used to. Rush off to throw up!.
12 - some sort of sandwhich for lunch as we go through which DVDs we can watch that we don't mind pausing for an hour or so every other hour for a quickie.
1pm - attempt to show girlfriend how to use her present. Get a nice bit of drool in the face for my troubles
5pm - start dinner - roast rib of beef and roast potatoes as there are only 2 of us in the flat that eat solid food. Pour a nice glass of shiraz.
5.01 - put down the shiraz feeling guilty about being drunk and its effect on performance in bed much later.
7 - take the beef and spuds out of the oven just in time for girlfriend to decide she needs a cuddle after getting all emotional after a glass of wine. Watch dinner go cold.
12 - wondering why you didnt use protection - thinking this time in a few years I could have a small baby about!!
. Volunteer for the night feed ie raid cold turkey from fridge as wake up with the munchies.

LMAO!

You missed out a SHITLOAD of recovery drinking there but otherwise - have you been spying on me!!

 

[tedebear]

I'm not really complaining, it is so rewarding

I just can't work out how as a MAN I can get a rare joint of beef and perfect fluffy roast spuds to be ready at the same time but am completly incapable of timing this to happen at a time that's convieniant for the little one

See I'm a woman of routine - Arthur naps pretty much the same time everyday - so I do things (like post on here) between 10:30a,d and 11:30am and again between 2:30pm and 4:30pm and then he goes to bed at 7:30pm.... Has done ever since he was about 3 or 4 months old!!

Hence we will be serving Christmas lunch at 5pm after he wakes up, and I've been cooking whilst he's been asleep!!