[Help] Dealing with violence from your children towards you

[The Grockle]

I’ve been told that weed is often much stronger than the varieties smoked in the 60’s and 70’s.

It was strong 20 years ago but it's much stronger now. I'm a firm believer that it amplifies underling mental health issues. I'd rather my daughters experimented with amphetamines than become habitual smokers.

 

[Cotton Socks]

I’ve been told that weed is often much stronger than the varieties smoked in the 60’s and 70’s.

It's a lot stronger than it was 20 years ago, let alone the 60's & 70's.

 

[Cotton Socks]

It was strong 20 years ago but it's much stronger now. I'm a firm believer that it amplifies underling mental health issues. I'd rather my daughters experimented with amphetamines than become habitual smokers.

You say that, but in my day people used to smoke to be able to sleep after taking speed. I know someone that had a drug induced psychosis after taking speed. I think I'd rather my sons experimented with ecstasy rather than speed.
To be fair I think my eldest is out of the 'danger time' & my youngest is (atm) stupidly sensible. He's 18 in a couple of months & I won't have to buy him his 1st 'Legal' beer. He has no interest in it what so ever (atm).

 

[NorthstandRacoon]

Any inkling of the use of narcotics eg cannabis? I know of a very similar scenario, where weed, despite the stereotype of it chilling folk, was a huge contributory factor to the aggression.

Regarding family counseling, it is available free, possibly via CAMHS? But obviously he would have to be interested in participating and then having his heart in it.

Not weed, skunk. AWFUL stuff, I've lot friends to it.

 

[NorthstandRacoon]

It was strong 20 years ago but it's much stronger now. I'm a firm believer that it amplifies underling mental health issues. I'd rather my daughters experimented with amphetamines than become habitual smokers.

It does. You just need to know a hippy who grows natural organic weak stuff.

 

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

Family member has a 16 yo son who is violent sometimes towards his parents recently. Started with slamming doors at home (hard enough to crack the wall next to the door), verbally abusive, some damage to the family kitchen, now physically striking out at his dad. Seems to be some disproportionate frustration re their parenting style (which is a bit strict imho) but nice family, nice home, kid has been bought things he's wanted, goes to army cadets, has a part time job, works at a charity shop, parents pay for music lessons and other activities out of college. He had some issues with bullying at cadets (him being the bully) and is flunking results at college. But gets on fine with rest of family, at his job, with his teachers and instructors at cadets. To me it just seems to be with his 'rents. I would suggest that they need some conflict resolution and sit down with a mediator, vent calmly some issues and talk about it - does anyone know how to go about this or have anyone they can recommend? West Sx, HH area. Many thanks team NSC.

We have had some issues with out lovely (female) teenager.
A door was broken when she was 9.
ADHD is the issue.
We have to suck it up and be kind.
But if it gets violent, with a big teenage bloke....
They have to get help.
I am not sure how but I fear that all we have for this at present is police and removal.
I am hoping someone has better info.
All the best, as always.

 

[AmexRuislip]

Family member has a 16 yo son who is violent sometimes towards his parents recently. Started with slamming doors at home (hard enough to crack the wall next to the door), verbally abusive, some damage to the family kitchen, now physically striking out at his dad. Seems to be some disproportionate frustration re their parenting style (which is a bit strict imho) but nice family, nice home, kid has been bought things he's wanted, goes to army cadets, has a part time job, works at a charity shop, parents pay for music lessons and other activities out of college. He had some issues with bullying at cadets (him being the bully) and is flunking results at college. But gets on fine with rest of family, at his job, with his teachers and instructors at cadets. To me it just seems to be with his 'rents. I would suggest that they need some conflict resolution and sit down with a mediator, vent calmly some issues and talk about it - does anyone know how to go about this or have anyone they can recommend? West Sx, HH area. Many thanks team NSC.

Hope this helps.

CAPVA (Child/Adolescent to Parent Violence/Abuse) Programme - East Sussex 1Space

Getting help in East Sussex - Find local groups and services to support you, your family and friends.

1space.eastsussex.gov.uk

 

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

Not weed, skunk. AWFUL stuff, I've lot friends to it.

Indeed.
But some folk are predisposed to cannabis-induced psychosis.
That can trigger with low-powered herb.
As a daily user 45 years ago, what I saw was those who only sparked up in the evening were fine.
Daytime users had a problem, a priori.

 

[nsclurker]

after reading your first couple of posts I wondered about Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) which can be part of autism.

it might be worth a look especially as it can me exacerbated by scrict traditional parenting styles.

the Uk website it very good for info but I am happy to post more about it later if you are interested.

My daughter has ASD and any kind of demanding/shouting/orders in her direction gets fired right back 1000% and usually leads to a meltdown as she doesn't know how to deal with emotions.

She's very strong but - thankfully - hits back with words rather than hands and feet.

She has to be asked/persuaded to do things, which can sometimes take a lot longer but is better for her and all of us.

I knew she was on the spectrum when she was 5, but it took me a very long time to persaude others and we didnt get any support until she went to secondary school - but we're still in CAMHS hell waiting and waiting for an "official" diagnosis and she's now 17...

I did a free L2 qualification in Understanding Autism which helped a lot, as it means I can now talk with her to understand herself and her behaviours - and I can deal with them in a better way too.

 

[Justice]

Indeed.
But some folk are predisposed to cannabis-induced psychosis.
That can trigger with low-powered herb.
As a daily user 45 years ago, what I saw was those who only sparked up in the evening were fine.
Daytime users had a problem, a priori.

I used to like a bit of resin in the evenings just enough to drift off to sleep.
I wonder if that’s still a thing.

 

[Han Solo]

This sounds very much like my behaviour 20 years ago, cultivated some healthy relationships but very toxic to my parents and close ones.

My parents were very liberal with me smoking weed in the house as a teen. Didn't recognise it at the time but it made me very paranoid, short tempered and aggressive.

It effects everyone differently but I don't think I'm wired for weed and the same can be said for many young people. Can be a very damaging drug, I feel I lost some of the best years of my life and it costs me two wonderful girlfiends in my twenties.

Agree on a lot of this and have had some similar experiences. But weed doesn't make people beat their parents, there are other underlying problems if that is the case. Many make the mistake of pointing to drugs without dealing with whatever the core issue is.

I’ve been told that weed is often much stronger than the varieties smoked in the 60’s and 70’s.

Yes, it is a lot stronger. And one of the reasons it is getting legalised over the world is because you can produce synthetic cannabis that is some 200% more potent than any weed you can grow.

It was strong 20 years ago but it's much stronger now. I'm a firm believer that it amplifies underling mental health issues. I'd rather my daughters experimented with amphetamines than become habitual smokers.

Amphetamines... sure, maybe. But the kids today are mainly doing cocaine. Weed is out. Amphetamine too.

I'd say from the aggressiveness and being able to juggle a dozen activities, including working in some charity shop, the guy is far more likely to have a cocaine problem than a cannabis problem.

Most likely, perhaps, is that there isn't a drug problem. The guy seems to be infantilised (getting what he points at and being carried around to various 'activities') by his parents who at the same time demand him to be a grown up (pay rent and have an orderly room).

Cognitively, with or without drugs, I would consider the whole "strict parenting" and "paying rent" an impossible situation that can only cause harm. He's a 16-year-old seemingly treated like a 5-year-old, except when its time to pay rent, then he's all of a sudden a full grown up. I'd find that massively frustrating and while I wouldn't beat my parents, I'd certainly look for any way to get the f*** out of that situation.

 

[Justice]

On a separate note is MDMA ecstasy?

 

[Justice]

Agree on a lot of this and have had some similar experiences. But weed doesn't make people beat their parents, there are other underlying problems if that is the case. Many make the mistake of pointing to drugs without dealing with whatever the core issue is.


Yes, it is a lot stronger. And one of the reasons it is getting legalised over the world is because you can produce synthetic cannabis that is some 200% more potent than any weed you can grow.


Amphetamines... sure, maybe. But the kids today are mainly doing cocaine. Weed is out. Amphetamine too.

I'd say from the aggressiveness and being able to juggle a dozen activities, including working in some charity shop, the guy is far more likely to have a cocaine problem than a cannabis problem.

Most likely, perhaps, is that there isn't a drug problem. The guy seems to be infantilised (getting what he points at and being carried around to various 'activities') by his parents who at the same time demand him to be a grown up (pay rent and have an orderly room).

Cognitively, with or without drugs, I would consider the whole "strict parenting" and "paying rent" an impossible situation that can only cause harm. He's a 16-year-old seemingly treated like a 5-year-old, except when it’s time to pay rent, then he's all of a sudden a full grown up. I'd find that massively frustrating and while I wouldn't beat my parents, I'd certainly look for any way to get the f*** out of that situation.

The OP says rents which isn’t really clear. Good cop bad cop parenting isn’t helping either.

 

[sant andreu]

Agree on a lot of this and have had some similar experiences. But weed doesn't make people beat their parents, there are other underlying problems if that is the case. Many make the mistake of pointing to drugs without dealing with whatever the core issue is.


Yes, it is a lot stronger. And one of the reasons it is getting legalised over the world is because you can produce synthetic cannabis that is some 200% more potent than any weed you can grow.


Amphetamines... sure, maybe. But the kids today are mainly doing cocaine. Weed is out. Amphetamine too.

I'd say from the aggressiveness and being able to juggle a dozen activities, including working in some charity shop, the guy is far more likely to have a cocaine problem than a cannabis problem.

Most likely, perhaps, is that there isn't a drug problem. The guy seems to be infantilised (getting what he points at and being carried around to various 'activities') by his parents who at the same time demand him to be a grown up (pay rent and have an orderly room).

Cognitively, with or without drugs, I would consider the whole "strict parenting" and "paying rent" an impossible situation that can only cause harm. He's a 16-year-old seemingly treated like a 5-year-old, except when its time to pay rent, then he's all of a sudden a full grown up. I'd find that massively frustrating and while I wouldn't beat my parents, I'd certainly look for any way to get the f*** out of that situation.

Just to clear up a misunderstanding, the OP didn't say anything about paying rent; they said 'rents, i.e. parents (with the apostrophe for the dropped first syllable).

 

[Professor Plum]

Just to clear up a misunderstanding, the OP didn't say anything about paying rent; they said 'rents, i.e. parents (with the apostrophe for the dropped first syllable).

Is 'rents a thing? I found it so distracting, I couldn’t focus on the topic.

 

[BadFish]

Agree on a lot of this and have had some similar experiences. But weed doesn't make people beat their parents, there are other underlying problems if that is the case. Many make the mistake of pointing to drugs without dealing with whatever the core issue is.


Yes, it is a lot stronger. And one of the reasons it is getting legalised over the world is because you can produce synthetic cannabis that is some 200% more potent than any weed you can grow.


Amphetamines... sure, maybe. But the kids today are mainly doing cocaine. Weed is out. Amphetamine too.

I'd say from the aggressiveness and being able to juggle a dozen activities, including working in some charity shop, the guy is far more likely to have a cocaine problem than a cannabis problem.

Most likely, perhaps, is that there isn't a drug problem. The guy seems to be infantilised (getting what he points at and being carried around to various 'activities') by his parents who at the same time demand him to be a grown up (pay rent and have an orderly room).

Cognitively, with or without drugs, I would consider the whole "strict parenting" and "paying rent" an impossible situation that can only cause harm. He's a 16-year-old seemingly treated like a 5-year-old, except when its time to pay rent, then he's all of a sudden a full grown up. I'd find that massively frustrating and while I wouldn't beat my parents, I'd certainly look for any way to get the f*** out of that situation.

Where are you getting the idea that they are infantilising the kid? Seems like a weird conclusion and not a little bit insulting to the OPs family.

Edit: just read the op again and note tbe music lessons and other activities paid for by the parents. Do you feel that 16 is too old for parents to be paying for music lessons?

I pay for my kids music lessons (16 and 17) and sport. Most parents I know do the same while they are still at school. Perhaps we are all infantalising them.

 

[The Clamp]

It’s still classed as domestic abuse and they can get support through the charity, Victim Support.

Contrary to popular perception this is not a police agency and they do not seek to criminalise anyone. Anyone can reach out to them and you do not need to be referred and you do not need to report a crime to the police. ie - your kid won’t get in trouble. They’ll get help.

They can work with both the victim and the perpetrator.

It is very important to send a message to the child that this is absolutely unacceptable and you will seek outside assistance.

Do not suffer in silence. Get in touch with Victim Support. They are amazing.

Home - Victim Support

Victim Support is the independent charity dedicated to supporting victims of crime and traumatic incidents in England and Wales.

www.victimsupport.org.uk

 

[The Clamp]

And yes, drugs can be a contributing factor in some cases but this is not a normal response and the urge to behave violently is the element that needs to be addressed.

Lots of teenagers suffer stress and smoke weed. Very few start physically abusing their parents. That absolutely needs addressing before it becomes habitual behaviour and he goes on to abuse future partners or trying to resolve issues in the wider world with violence.

Left unaddressed the violence will get worse. I guarantee it.

 

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

My daughter has ASD and any kind of demanding/shouting/orders in her direction gets fired right back 1000% and usually leads to a meltdown as she doesn't know how to deal with emotions.

She's very strong but - thankfully - hits back with words rather than hands and feet.

She has to be asked/persuaded to do things, which can sometimes take a lot longer but is better for her and all of us.

I knew she was on the spectrum when she was 5, but it took me a very long time to persaude others and we didnt get any support until she went to secondary school - but we're still in CAMHS hell waiting and waiting for an "official" diagnosis and she's now 17...

I did a free L2 qualification in Understanding Autism which helped a lot, as it means I can now talk with her to understand herself and her behaviours - and I can deal with them in a better way too.

Almost identical situation here. No official diagnosis but the school have set up as if the diagnosis is official.
She gets time outs and other help. Not as much as we'd like but enough that she goes to school without issue.
(Most of the time; just getting ready in the morning is quite a struggle)
We have a camera set up so she can see us watching telly downstairs as she nods off at night.
Lots of food issues - no sugary drinks after 6, no caffeine.
She's a smart kind kid, and fortunately has a 100% open relationship with her mum (and 80% with me which is very good).
We talk about issues all the time. Dealing with her friends is a struggle.
But when all the neurochemicals line up and start firing, the meltdowns are very hard to manage.
Time and patience is everything.
Once I got past the 'she's taking advantage' thinking it became fairly straightforward for me. Her mum was always there.
This is a condition that is far worse for her than for us.

I think there is a poster on NSC who has had this their entire life with all sorts of consequences.
They may wish to contribute to this thread. Or not. Their call, of course.

 

[herecomesaregular]

Appreciate again all the comments so far. I'm reticent to go into too many family details on the internet. Apologies for the 'rents for parents thing, just a juvenile slang I've got into recently.

He's doing ok at the cadets following orders so me mentioning autism might be a complete red herring.

Cocaine is a thought as it does appear rife nowadays sadly and working (only 4 hours a week) gives him his own money. Might be plain old alcohol as he has been found to sneak some in.

Have made some suggestions to them with some references to the agencies mentioned and received by DM. Difficult though as they have their own ideas and no one likes interference.