[Help] Dealing with violence from your children towards you

[herecomesaregular]

Family member has a 16 yo son who is violent sometimes towards his parents recently. Started with slamming doors at home (hard enough to crack the wall next to the door), verbally abusive, some damage to the family kitchen, now physically striking out at his dad. Seems to be some disproportionate frustration re their parenting style (which is a bit strict imho) but nice family, nice home, kid has been bought things he's wanted, goes to army cadets, has a part time job, works at a charity shop, parents pay for music lessons and other activities out of college. He had some issues with bullying at cadets (him being the bully) and is flunking results at college. But gets on fine with rest of family, at his job, with his teachers and instructors at cadets. To me it just seems to be with his 'rents. I would suggest that they need some conflict resolution and sit down with a mediator, vent calmly some issues and talk about it - does anyone know how to go about this or have anyone they can recommend? West Sx, HH area. Many thanks team NSC.

 

[Westdene Seagull]

Family member has a 16 yo son who is violent sometimes towards his parents recently. Started with slamming doors at home (hard enough to crack the wall next to the door), verbally abusive, some damage to the family kitchen, now physically striking out at his dad. Seems to be some disproportionate frustration re their parenting style (which is a bit strict imho) but nice family, nice home, kid has been bought things he's wanted, goes to army cadets, has a part time job, works at a charity shop, parents pay for music lessons and other activities out of college. He had some issues with bullying at cadets (him being the bully) and is flunking results at college. But gets on fine with rest of family, at his job, with his teachers and instructors at cadets. To me it just seems to be with his 'rents. I would suggest that they need some conflict resolution and sit down with a mediator, vent calmly some issues and talk about it - does anyone know how to go about this or have anyone they can recommend? West Sx, HH area. Many thanks team NSC.

No idea if they are any good but having used a couple of mediation services in the past they all seem to be good - as always it only works if every person involved and inputs :

Mediation Plus • Dispute Resolution Services in Sussex

Neighbourhood, Intergenerational, Workplace and Family Mediation. Mediation Plus has been delivering mediation and training in Sussex since 1995.

mediation-plus.org.uk

 

[Weststander]

Any inkling of the use of narcotics eg cannabis? I know of a very similar scenario, where weed, despite the stereotype of it chilling folk, was a huge contributory factor to the aggression.

Regarding family counseling, it is available free, possibly via CAMHS? But obviously he would have to be interested in participating and then having his heart in it.

 

[Fitzcarraldo]

https://capafirstresponse.org/families/ are a good Brighton based charity for this sort of thing

Would also wonder whether you get full picture from whoever is telling you

 

[dazzer6666]

https://capafirstresponse.org/families/ are a good Brighton based charity for this sort of thing

Would also wonder whether you get full picture from whoever is telling you

Agree….possibly something specific at the root of this….

 

[WATFORD zero]

https://capafirstresponse.org/families/ are a good Brighton based charity for this sort of thing

Would also wonder whether you get full picture from whoever is telling you

I have to say that reading your original post, which sounds horrendous, this was my first thought. But whatever the reasons, it certainly sounds like the family need professional help. I'm sorry I have no sources to recommend but hopefully the links already published can help.

Hope they can sort this for all of them

 

[herecomesaregular]

Some of it's from the 'rents some of it's from him directly, last time because the Police advised he didn't stay there that night so other family chatted to him away form his home.

He's been asked privately how things are going at college- always says they're fine but the family recently found out he's getting U's in tests (I think the A levels chosen might be too much for him, the ones he's chosen seem some of the toughest and I don't seem him being that academic tbh). Impression is that he doesn't like being asked to tidy up after himself at home or do any household chores and the parents are quite pushing about this causing confrontation that he doesn't seem to be handle well, with hugely disproportionate response from him. I was quite shocked to hear it tbf. I was wondering if there are some autistic traits in him personally. And he's not one to ever ask for help or say he's struggling, historically. He does have an online mentor, maybe they can get more out of him. I used to chat a bit with him on WhatsApp but he hasn't read messages recently. My worry is that this escalates to some more permanent damage to relationship with his parents.
Thanks for the links, will have a look at them. I'm big fan of mediators personally, giving some space to vent and calmly discuss problems.
Hadn't thought much about the drug angle but will ponder that one aswell.

 

[hart's shirt]

Family member has a 16 yo son who is violent sometimes towards his parents recently...now physically striking out at his dad.

This part seems to be the most concerning. Even with a mitigating factor of parenting style, he's crossed the line with this escalation to physical violence.

No doubt the parents wouldn't want to go 0-100 immediately, but a normalisation of abnormal behaviour due to a lack of action would be worse in the long term. It would be doing the child a disservice if violence was seen to be a way of resolving family disputes.

Some sort of outside professional mediation would help as they'll be able to advise objectively and doubtless with the experience of other previous cases.

Very well done on trying to help. Although initially painful, bringing an issue like this out into the light where others can help is invariably the right thing.

 

[PILTDOWN MAN]

The hardest thing sometimes is getting your children/grandchildren to realise they're pushing against an open door to you, no matter the issue or need. Having 2 children and 3 stepchildren, now all adults along with 5 grandchildren, I hope I'm always available to listen, advise and to love. Life is not easy. Certainly something I've learnt since my wife died, I can't pass the phone over now!!

 

[Weststander]

A personal view, I know people have entirely different approaches, I don’t believe in the very firm parental hand on stuff like household chores. I’ve witnessed contrasting approaches, the kind ‘get people onside’ way works better imho, both then and is less damaging to mental health later in life. I know there’ll be people who say their Dad was tough and it did them no harm. Teens/young 20’s have hormones all over the place, hidden angst on stuff like their future, relationships with peers, being bullied. The last thing they need is parents on their case. I extend this to employers who use stick instead of carrot. Just my experience.

 

[Javeaseagull]

Have always struggled with this problem and have come to the view that there is no right way. There is no book you can read, no course you can take, Parenting is hard and the only guidelines are what you experienced as a child. It’s instinct and you just do the best you can. Sorry, that’s all I have.

 

[Han Solo]

Family member has a 16 yo son who is violent sometimes towards his parents recently. Started with slamming doors at home (hard enough to crack the wall next to the door), verbally abusive, some damage to the family kitchen, now physically striking out at his dad. Seems to be some disproportionate frustration re their parenting style (which is a bit strict imho) but nice family, nice home, kid has been bought things he's wanted, goes to army cadets, has a part time job, works at a charity shop, parents pay for music lessons and other activities out of college. He had some issues with bullying at cadets (him being the bully) and is flunking results at college. But gets on fine with rest of family, at his job, with his teachers and instructors at cadets. To me it just seems to be with his 'rents. I would suggest that they need some conflict resolution and sit down with a mediator, vent calmly some issues and talk about it - does anyone know how to go about this or have anyone they can recommend? West Sx, HH area. Many thanks team NSC.

Former violent kid here. Lost temper five times a day as a kid. Ultimately got thrown out of school and put in a rehab school. Took time and studied the philosophy the school used, salutogenesis. No expert but I understand a fair bit, having been there.

Based on that... is he good at any of all these activities? Has he chosen themselves? Or does he wander around in life feeling he has no self-efficacy?

 

[Sussexscots]

A personal view, I know people have entirely different approaches, I don’t believe in the very firm parental hand on stuff like household chores. I’ve witnessed contrasting approaches, the kind ‘get people onside’ way works better imho, both then and is less damaging to mental health later in life. I know there’ll be people who say their Dad was tough and it did them no harm. Teens/young 20’s have hormones all over the place, hidden angst on stuff like their future, relationships with peers, being bullied. The last thing they need is parents on their case. I extend this to employers who use stick instead of carrot. Just my experience.

I can totally empathise with this. I consider myself blessed that my parents seemed to understand.

I didn't realise until I was in my mid 30's just how bloody hard and tough my Dad's childhood was. But he rarely even raised his voice to me or my brothers. Even when we got into the sort of scrapes teenage lads normally get into.

I realise now how much we all respected him and loved him so much more for that. And why, when he was old and frail, we were all happy to look after him, take care of him.

Now I have step children and and grandchildren of my own, it strikes me how relentlessly intense life seems to be for young people today. I like to think I'm an oasis of quiet counsel if asked. It seems to work. Genuinely don't know what I would do if it didn't!

 

[BadFish]

Some of it's from the 'rents some of it's from him directly, last time because the Police advised he didn't stay there that night so other family chatted to him away form his home.

He's been asked privately how things are going at college- always says they're fine but the family recently found out he's getting U's in tests (I think the A levels chosen might be too much for him, the ones he's chosen seem some of the toughest and I don't seem him being that academic tbh). Impression is that he doesn't like being asked to tidy up after himself at home or do any household chores and the parents are quite pushing about this causing confrontation that he doesn't seem to be handle well, with hugely disproportionate response from him. I was quite shocked to hear it tbf. I was wondering if there are some autistic traits in him personally. And he's not one to ever ask for help or say he's struggling, historically. He does have an online mentor, maybe they can get more out of him. I used to chat a bit with him on WhatsApp but he hasn't read messages recently. My worry is that this escalates to some more permanent damage to relationship with his parents.
Thanks for the links, will have a look at them. I'm big fan of mediators personally, giving some space to vent and calmly discuss problems.
Hadn't thought much about the drug angle but will ponder that one aswell.

after reading your first couple of posts I wondered about Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) which can be part of autism.

it might be worth a look especially as it can me exacerbated by scrict traditional parenting styles.

the Uk website it very good for info but I am happy to post more about it later if you are interested.

 

[Weststander]

I can totally empathise with this. I consider myself blessed that my parents seemed to understand.

I didn't realise until I was in my mid 30's just how bloody hard and tough my Dad's childhood was. But he rarely even raised his voice to me or my brothers. Even when we got into the sort of scrapes teenage lads normally get into.

I realise now how much we all respected him and loved him so much more for that. And why, when he was old and frail, we were all happy to look after him, take care of him.

Now I have step children and and grandchildren of my own, it strikes me how relentlessly intense life seems to be for young people today. I like to think I'm an oasis of quiet counsel if asked. It seems to work. Genuinely don't know what I would do if it didn't!

You can go either way, I reacted to my Dad’s aggression and sometimes control-freakery by being a kind Dad (that’s what my ‘kids’ tell me). Forever thinking of little ways to make their life better, lots of fun, nice chats. Others can’t help but carry on what they knew.

My Dad has regrets btw, he even recalls the OTT incidents 45 years ago.

In a complex world, parents have the wonderful opportunity to make home a safe haven and little paradise. Doesn’t mean you’re a walkover eg ours weren’t allowed internet an hour before sleep time Sunday to Thursday until past GCSE’s.

 

[Sussexscots]

You can go either way, I reacted to my Dad’s aggression and sometimes control-freakery by being a kind Dad (that’s what my ‘kids’ tell me). Forever thinking of little ways to make their life better, lots of fun, nice chats. Others can’t help but carry on what they knew.

My Dad has regrets btw, he even recalls the OTT incidents 45 years ago.

In a complex world, parents have the wonderful opportunity to make home a safe haven and little paradise. Doesn’t mean you’re a walkover eg ours weren’t allowed internet an hour before sleep time Sunday to Thursday until past GCSE’s.

Yes, agree. For one reason and another due to work commitments of his parents, my grandson spent a lot of time with my wife and I in his formative years.

We were firm about eating at the table, good manners and TV time. Proper bedtime on school nights etc. Same as my parents were with me and my wife's were with her. He's growing up to be (imo) a good man and a kind man. I'm proud of him.

 

[alanfp]

I have virtually nothing to add/help. I'm afraid. But the only thing I can think of (if the lad isn't reading your messages) is to let your 'family member' know that you are sympathetic to their plight and let them know that you CARE about their situation... probably without taking sides or giving advice.

And just because your messages don't get two blue ticks on WhatsApp doesn't mean that he hasn't read them! He can probably see the 'preview' of what you've sent if he wants to. He will certainly know that you're trying to stay in touch, which can't be a bad thing. So maybe do drop him an occasional message still. He will know that you still care and that you haven't given up on him.

BTW In my area the waiting list for any help from CAMHS is around 6 months.

So good luck and well done for trying.

 

[The Grockle]

Any inkling of the use of narcotics eg cannabis? I know of a very similar scenario, where weed, despite the stereotype of it chilling folk, was a huge contributory factor to the aggression.

Regarding family counseling, it is available free, possibly via CAMHS? But obviously he would have to be interested in participating and then having his heart in it.

This sounds very much like my behaviour 20 years ago, cultivated some healthy relationships but very toxic to my parents and close ones.

My parents were very liberal with me smoking weed in the house as a teen. Didn't recognise it at the time but it made me very paranoid, short tempered and aggressive.

It effects everyone differently but I don't think I'm wired for weed and the same can be said for many young people. Can be a very damaging drug, I feel I lost some of the best years of my life and it costs me two wonderful girlfiends in my twenties.

 

[Weststander]

This sounds very much like my behaviour 20 years ago, cultivated some healthy relationships but very toxic to my parents and close ones.

My parents were very liberal with me smoking weed in the house as a teen. Didn't recognise it at the time but it made me very paranoid, short tempered and aggressive.

It effects everyone differently but I don't think I'm wired for weed and the same can be said for many young people. Can be a very damaging drug, I feel I lost some of the best years of my life and it costs me two wonderful girlfiends in my twenties.

I’ve been told that weed is often much stronger than the varieties smoked in the 60’s and 70’s.

 

[Cotton Socks]

Do his parents 'actually' parent in the same way? There is usually one that is more strict & they can sometimes 'switch' around. Violence is unacceptable though. Sounds like they could do with some family (systemic) counselling.
You said 'recently' but how long have the conflicts been going on before he started hitting out? Or is it a really sudden change?