Dad jokes

[Prince Monolulu]

Every christmas without fail to every present he receives"ooh is it a football?"

Sh1te, no wonder my daughter always rolls her eyes when each Christmas I exclaim ' Ooh, is it a CD' ?

Damn.

 

[Herr Tubthumper]

Quite stunned to hear your father can get a word in edgeways when you are around.

Charming. I've just been reminded of another when ever I would stay at the parents and I was going to the shops: "Hurry up or the one copy of The Guardian will sell out."

He mixes this with the occasional "They have doubled their Guardian sales."

 

[Dick Knights Mumm]

Sh1te, no wonder my daughter always rolls her eyes when each Christmas I exclaim ' Ooh, is it a CD' ?

It is expected. Mine is to shake it (no matter what shape it is) near my ear and say "well it's not a jigsaw puzzle".

It is your duty man.

 

[Lush]

It is expected. Mine is to shake it (no matter what shape it is) near my ear and say "well it's not a jigsaw puzzle".

It is your duty man.

While I always shake it really hard and say "Is it a puppy?"

Mum jokes are way crueller.

 

[DavidinSouthampton]

In response to "put the kettle on".... "It won't suit me."

Ps - that's me to my own children.

 

[gripper stebson]

I took off my rear view mirror last week and to be honest I've never looked back.

 

[BadFish]

Child: I'm hungry!
Me: Hello, Hungry how are you?

You can of course exchange hungry for thirsty, bored, tired and many many other things to enhance the tedium.

 

[BadFish]

My wife: I am just going to hop in the shower
Me: Don't hop in the shower it's dangerous.

I am ****ing hilarious.

 

[Barrel of Fun]

Would you like me to put the kettle on?

I don't think it'll fit.

 

[AmexRuislip]

What did the late tomato say to the early tomato? I'll ketch up

 

[Herr Tubthumper]

I remember being in Boots at Gatwick airport once and a girl next to me was looking at some exfoliating gloves and her dad said "they won't keep you warm"

 

[skipper734]

What's the difference between a Buffalo and a Bison?............................................................You can't wash your hands in a Buffalo.

 

[spongy]

My old man has always trotted out the "I went to school with him" line.

A typical conversation will be

Me:"I'll be over soonish, gonna stop in the pub and have half a pint"
Dad:"I went to school with him"
Me:"what?"
Dad:"I went to school with him"
Me:"who?"
Dad:"Arthur Pint"
Me:"Jesus wept, will it ever end?" *bangs phone against head repeatedly*
Dad:"not as long as the word "half" exists no"

Bless him.

 

[Sompting_Seagull]

'Soon be Christmas' is one of my dad's favourite sayings, he's already started again this year.

 

[Dick Knights Mumm]

While I always shake it really hard and say "Is it a puppy?"

Mum jokes are way crueller.

That is far superior. A new joke. At my age. Splendid.

 

[OzMike]

I was quite well known in the Brighton area having lived there for so long and when out with the kids people always used to wave, nod etc.
They always asked 'who's that?', so I would tell them.
One day, out with my son, a car went past and beeped.
My son said 'who's that?' to which I replied 'tooting car man', I used to get away with it till he got educated.
He came home from school after learning about Pharaohs and told me off.

 

[OzMike]

Q. What is round, white and giggles?
A. A tickled onion.
One of my favourites.

 

[Scampi]

The ice cream truck only plays its music when it's just run out!

When my eldest was little I used to claim the ice cream van was the injection van. After i eventually relented and bought him an ice cream, when he saw his Mum he said" did you know the injection van also does ice creams?".

 

[dennis]

My Dads favourite short joke was
A British Tommy is stood in a trench next to an ANZAC
Tommy “ Have you come to die my friend?”
ANZAC “ No I came Yesterdie”

 

[Tony Towner's Fridge]

I always use the old chestnut

Q:'Dad can you give me a lift?'

A:'You look great, go for it , the wWorld's your oyster.'

guaranteed to annoy any kid after about 200 utterences.

TNBA

TTF