[Humour] Confession

[LANGDON SEAGULL]

I work in the City as a corporate analyst.

Around 15 years ago, my job involved making recommendations on investing in junk bonds. This would involve meeting the company, writing an analysis and doing financial projections. I would then sit down in a meeting with the fund managers and we would discuss whether to invest or not.

I was less than inspired to have a meeting put in my diary with Focus DIY. They had just bought Wickes and were looking to raise some money. At this time Archer only had a minority stake having sold a chunk of the business to private equity.

I couldn’t stomach the thought of investing in the scumbag’s business but my prejudice clearly wasn’t shared by my colleagues. So I simply made up a load of numbers in my projections which made the company look absolutely shit. Result - no investment and fund managers going round telling everyone that Focus was actually in financial trouble which is why it needed the money.

It did actually go bust a few years later but that was because its owners (including Archer) bled it of cash. It could’ve survived.

Am I forgiven?


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Yes, you are forgiven 100 times over


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[Weststander]

I work in the City as a corporate analyst.

Around 15 years ago, my job involved making recommendations on investing in junk bonds. This would involve meeting the company, writing an analysis and doing financial projections. I would then sit down in a meeting with the fund managers and we would discuss whether to invest or not.

I was less than inspired to have a meeting put in my diary with Focus DIY. They had just bought Wickes and were looking to raise some money. At this time Archer only had a minority stake having sold a chunk of the business to private equity.

I couldn’t stomach the thought of investing in the scumbag’s business but my prejudice clearly wasn’t shared by my colleagues. So I simply made up a load of numbers in my projections which made the company look absolutely shit. Result - no investment and fund managers going round telling everyone that Focus was actually in financial trouble which is why it needed the money.

It did actually go bust a few years later but that was because its owners (including Archer) bled it of cash. It could’ve survived.

Am I forgiven?


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Love it.

Did you get to me the evil wnkr himself?

 

[Wrong-Direction]

I went on a date with a palace fan once, she told me within the first 10minutes which kinda put a black cloud over the rest of the evening

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[Lower West Stander]

Love it.

Did you get to me the evil wnkr himself?

Met the CFO Geoff Wilson, but twatface was far too important to meet with investors.


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[lawros left foot]

The Focus diy thread has reminded me of a sin I committed back in the days when I was struggling to make ends meet as a young Dad doing two jobs and working 7 days a week. Money was really short in those days,and there rests my case for mitigation.
My sin was we had an electric shower, an over the bath type, that, due to Worthings very hard water, would get furred up every few years. When this happened, the only remedy was a new shower, which I would fit to save money, at about 100 quid a pop. I knew that Focus had the same shower on sale, as the old one of mine, so I but the bullet and bought a new one, even though it would severely dent my available money. Anyway, when I went to fit the new shower, they had changed the water inlet pipe around, which meant I would have had to get a plumber in to fit it. As I sat in the empty bath , pondering this seemingly very expensive turn of events ,I noticed that the heater bit of the old shower, and the new shower was the same, so, doing a diagram of where the wires went, I swopped just the heaters over, and Robert being your Mothers Brother, it worked.
So far, so legal.
I then took the old knackered heater , and the remains of the new shower down stairs, and was struck by a blinding idea. I put the old heater in the new shower, connected all the wires, 're boxed it and took it back to Focus.
I told them it wasn't suitable and got a full refund.

A couple of years later, same scenario, but, this time too much of the shower had been changed, and I couldn't cannabalise two showers to make one,my brother in law had a second hand shower he gave me, and came round and fitted, so I returned the complete new shower to Focus for a legitimate refund.
When I took it in , the bloke in the counter opened the box , took the shower out and gave it a good examination, telling me he had to check it because people had been taking spare parts of new ones, and bringing them back for a refund.
I just hope I didn't blush toomuch.

 

[The-Libertine]

In the late 80s I was in charge of ordering stationery for the company I worked for. I would always buy NOBO products even when their were much cheaper alternatives.

 

[el punal]

Talking of administering urine...

I used to go to the 'Roxy' nightclub on the pier as a (late) teenager. We used to leave our pints at the side of the dance floor when we wandered up for a boogie to impress the ladies, and many times our pints would be missing when we came off.

So, we got one of our pals to hang back and watch - then he spotted a pair of lads grab pints and laugh as they walked off with them, taking nice big gulps of Fosters.

Later, we then took half a pint of lager each to the toilet, topped it up with piss - then did the same - leaving them on the ledge at the side of the dance floor.

We watched intently, and true to form they reciprocated by stealing our pints and taking big swigs, then looking at each other about ten steps later and putting them straight down.

Oh how we laughed.

Now back in the 1970s most of the pubs in the Brighton area were only allowed to sell Watney’s Red Barrel (among other brewery only products). I can tell you now, unequivocally, that had you and your friends done the same thing with pints of Red Barrel you would have been applauded. Having a beer that tasted of shit becoming a beer that just tasted of piss is definitely an improvement.

 

[Hu_Camus]

For your wallet's sake it's a good job the time limit for pee pee eye compensation has closed

 

[Seasidesage]

I work in the City as a corporate analyst.

Around 15 years ago, my job involved making recommendations on investing in junk bonds. This would involve meeting the company, writing an analysis and doing financial projections. I would then sit down in a meeting with the fund managers and we would discuss whether to invest or not.

I was less than inspired to have a meeting put in my diary with Focus DIY. They had just bought Wickes and were looking to raise some money. At this time Archer only had a minority stake having sold a chunk of the business to private equity.

I couldn’t stomach the thought of investing in the scumbag’s business but my prejudice clearly wasn’t shared by my colleagues. So I simply made up a load of numbers in my projections which made the company look absolutely shit. Result - no investment and fund managers going round telling everyone that Focus was actually in financial trouble which is why it needed the money.

It did actually go bust a few years later but that was because its owners (including Archer) bled it of cash. It could’ve survived.

Am I forgiven?


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Forgiven?!!!! Forgiven? I'd like to buy you a pint for that one!

 

[Seasidesage]

Not sure if this is a confession or I'm proud of it. My daughter was at university in Bristol and called me one night from a nightclub. She said she had been chatted up by a boy she liked and all had been going well until he told her he was a Palace fan. She said she thought of me and then told him to '**** off'!

On the one hand I am proud of her, on the other hand I am guilty that my prejudices were played out through my child who doesn't like football but knows as a Brightonian that she hates Palace....

 

[lawros left foot]

Not sure if this is a confession or I'm proud of it. My daughter was at university in Bristol and called me one night from a nightclub. She said she had been chatted up by a boy she liked and all had been going well until he told her he was a Palace fan. She said she thought of me and then told him to '**** off'!

On the one hand I am proud of her, on the other hand I am guilty that my prejudices were played out through my child who doesn't like football but knows as a Brightonian that she hates Palace....

Brought a tear to my eye, you should be very proud.

 

[Razzoo]

I was 11 an innocent Grammar school 1st year, walking home from school in my shiny new uniform. I became aware of somebody calling me names:- "snobby ****" "stuck up shit" "posh little wanker" etc. It was a foul mouthed girl from the City School in town. She was relentless, I endured the abuse for 5 minutes or so before I snapped and turned swiftly and chased her. She ran up a garden path and tried the door to a house, it was locked! she turned around and we were face to face. I knew it was wrong and ridiculous to hit her. So I emptied the contents of my mouth right into her face.( I had been eating a Marathon chocolate bar at the time). She screamed and I panicked and scarpered sharpish. Leaving her face dripping with the vile concoction. Am I absolved of all my sins due to mitigating circumstances?

 

[marcos3263]

Many years ago I dated a girl who was Welsh through and though. She supported Swansea and loved the rugby. Anyway once I made her wear a Brighton shirt (my old Sandtex away shirt) as I did her from behind on her brother's balcony in Swansea docks after an away game.

I'm not looking for forgiveness - I just want to brag

 

[HHGull]

For your wallet's sake it's a good job the time limit for pee pee eye compensation has closed

Wow