Clean stuff for some after dinner Christmas stand up

[fire&skill]

A mate of mine just got a job in a bowling alley. Only tempin'.

Went to a Greek restaurant the other night. Food was 'orrible but the plates were smashin'.

You won't be seeing me for a while. The bloke next door has accused me of stealing inflatables from his pool. Gotta li-lo.

 

[crasher]

Saw this on Twitter yesterday.

OLD CHINESE PROVERB - man who walks sideways through airport gate is going to Bangkok.

 

[Nathan]

If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that’s disappointed? Still no superheroes.

I'm not being condescending; I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

My father always used to say, 'What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger,' - 'til the accident.

I'm not saying Michael Jackson is guilty. But if I was a billionaire paedophile, I’d buy a funfair for my back garden.

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present.

I live near a remedial school. There's a sign on the road outside that says, 'SLOW CHILDREN'. That can't be good for their self-esteem.

I’d rather see a pregnant woman standing on the bus than a fat girl sitting down crying.

 

[Brovion]

I went into a pub and said to the barman "Triple scotch please!". He poured it and I said "Na, I shouldn't really have that with what I've got." The barman said "Oh go, on drink it, surely it can't be that bad can't if you're able to come out? By the way, if you don't mind me asking, what is it that you've got? I drained the scotch and replied: "50p!"

 

[Tony Towner's Fridge]

One of the best threads this year.Thanks everyone. A very Merry Christmas and a Happy and Prosperous 2012.

TNBA

TTF

 

[Vegas Seagull]

Crazy Paving : Its not all it's cracked up to be

 

[Taybha]

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head ?
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Cliff .

 

[essbee]

My mum used to have a saying:

'you've got to follow a lot of people home'

When I get out of the Scrubs, I'll ask he what she really meant.

 

[Cpt. Spavil]

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''

 

[Cpt. Spavil]

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what’s on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go ‘roof’." "No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you. " He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

 

[Marshal Josip Tito]

Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that’s disappointed? Still no superheroes.

Wow, given that Chernobyl was over 25 years ago that joke has to be at least 15 years old

 

[wunt be druv]

Some bloke tried to sell me eight legs of Venison for £50,thats too deer,I replied.

 

[bennibenj]

couldn't believe it when my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face!

 

[mune ni kamome]

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''

Quality

 

[Jahooli]

I was hoping to persuade The Climax Singers to sing for us tonight, I met up with them all and tried my best for ten minutes but none of them would come.

 

[Knightsworld]

If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that’s disappointed? Still no superheroes.

I'm not being condescending; I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

My father always used to say, 'What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger,' - 'til the accident.

I'm not saying Michael Jackson is guilty. But if I was a billionaire paedophile, I’d buy a funfair for my back garden.

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present.

I live near a remedial school. There's a sign on the road outside that says, 'SLOW CHILDREN'. That can't be good for their self-esteem.

I’d rather see a pregnant woman standing on the bus than a fat girl sitting down crying.

Jimmy Carr?

 

[dannyboy]

Give a man a fish and he shall eat for a day

But, give a woman a fishing rod
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And she will swap it for a fish

 

[16 bit 44.1]

I went out with a tall girl once..... but I had to jack it in....

I've just started weight watchers.... we haven't done much yet - we are just finding our feet!

 

[BHAFC_Pandapops]

After dinner nipples.

Big Cuddly Pandas.

 

[Manx Shearwater]

Young man goes into a bar, and asks for five whiskies.

"Are you celebrating?" asks the barman.

"I've just had my first blowjob" replies the young man.

"Hey! Good on you. Tell you what, have a sixth on me!" replies the barman.

The young man replies, "Thanks and all that, but to be honest, if five don't take the taste away, I doubt a sixth will make much difference."