Clean stuff for some after dinner Christmas stand up

[Muhammad - I’m hard - Bruce Lee]

I had a threesome with a couple of anorexic girls the other night. 2 birds, 1 stone.

 

[terryberry1]

"Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."

 

[terryberry1]

"Most of us have a skeleton in the cupboard. David Beckham takes his out in public."

 

[WhingForPresident]

I was sat in front of a roaring fire last night and I thought to myself,

"Lions don't burn as well as logs."

 

[WhingForPresident]

What's big and tastes like penis?

My secretary's Christmas bonus.

 

[Deleted member 18477]

what can a jelly baby do that a man can't?

come in 5 delicious flavours.

 

[WhingForPresident]

Grab your taco, you've pulled a dyslexic Mexican.

 

[Manx Shearwater]

Where's the venue? Start with...

They say all the great comedians play the XXXXXXX (venue) twice. Once on the way up, and once on the way down. Still, its great to be back!

 

[Marshal Josip Tito]

Now take my wife...

Please, take my wife. I take my wife everywhere, but she finds her way home

 

[seagullwedgee]

The venue is the Radisson Blu at Manchester Airport, black tie dinner for about 140 people.

It's for cherrity (BHF) but sorry no, I cannot tell you the date - if I did I know it would end up on facetubebo.

Thanks for the material, some great stuff, keep it coming!

 

[Seagull Steve]

Grab your taco, you've pulled a dyslexic Mexican.

Quality.

 

[Norman Potting]

My brother is in prison for something he didn't do - he didn't run away from the Policeman fast enough. (Courtesy Harry Hill joke book).

 

[Postman Pat]

I was given the Iraqi edition of Cluedo for xmas. It's rubbish, nobody can find the weapons.

How to watch your team in Europe:
Arsenal & Chelsea - ITV & Sky Sports
Man City & Man Utd - Channel 5 & ITV 4
Liverpool - The history channel

Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.

I got the Christmas decorations out of the loft last night and came across a present I forgot to give the kids last year. It's a shame really because they would have loved that kitten... !!!!

My wife left me two years ago. She only went out to get some milk but is having trouble with the parking.

A local man has been shot with a starter pistol. Police say it's race related.

Was watching women's golf earlier....

They couldn't drive....but boy could they use an iron!!

The wife's been hinting that she wants something black and lacy for Christmas so I've got her a pair of football boots.

A Red Indian introduced me to his wife...
"This is four horses....."
I said, wow, that's a beautiful name. What does it mean....?
He said, "nag,nag,nag,nag !!"

I was at wedding reception and when they played the twist, I did the twist.
And when they played the bump, I did the bump.
......And when they played come on Eileen, I got thrown out by the bouncers !!!!

Irish historians have discovered what they believe to be the headstone of the oldest man to have lived.
He was 193 and was called Miles from Dublin

 

[Norman Potting]

I was at wedding reception and when they played the twist, I did the twist.
And when they played the bump, I did the bump.
......And when they played come on Eileen, I got thrown out by the bouncers !!!!

quality!

 

[catfish]

Where's the venue? Start with...

They say all the great comedians play the XXXXXXX (venue) twice. Once on the way up, and once on the way down. Still, its great to be back!

Have you been to see Barry Cryer by any chance?

 

[Tom Hark Preston Park]

Had to have a moan at the Chinese restaurant tonight...

Me: 'Waiter! This chicken is rubbery!'

Waiter: 'Hank u verra much sah!'

 

[pasty]

What can a cow do that a woman can't?

Stand up to her tits in water without getting her fanny wet

 

[seagullwedgee]

Simply marvellous material.

I reckon we've got enough to make our own set of NSC crackers for sale next crimbo1

 

[Race]

my dad said you should always fight fire with fire

come to think of it, i think thats why he got kicked out of the fire brigade!

 

[Muhammad - I’m hard - Bruce Lee]

i applied to go into the navy.
the recruiting officer asked me if i could swim
'why' i replied...'havent you got any boats?'