[Misc] Christmas and mental health

[Normal Rob]

I lost my dad unexpectedly 9 years ago on Xmas eve. I'll never forget collecting my brother, who lived abroad, from Bristol Airport on Christmas morning. Somehow he had managed to sort to connecting flights from Corsica to land at 8am on Christmas morning, despite only having found out the news when i called at lunchtime the day before. Everyone else flying in or collecting passengers were so happy. Loved ones had made it, a little late maybe, but they had made it. Family reunions all around. We'd lost the biggest influence, and most loved man, in our lives. The contrast was just huge. I cry every time I recall those feelings.

So now i make sure that every christmas is the very best it can be, for my family, my mum, my brother (if here - i pray he makes it and lands safely tomorrow given the current situation). It's what dad would have wanted. I do it for him. I wish everyone the best christmas possible, whatever that may look like to you.

 

[Clive Walker]

Separately I will share this:

This year has been tough for me with depression and anxiety. At the age of 39 I started questioning all aspects of my life and while everyone I spoke to pointed to Covid as the trigger I got very annoyed with the ease in which people were able to slot me into the column that fitted best. With a history of mental health problems in my family I think that Covid just accelerated something that was always there. We moved house which is stressful at the best of times but it was impossible for me at times. I sat staring out of the window for hours and only realised I was crying when my wife pointed it out. The littlest thing would cause me sleepless nights and anxiety filled days. Medication helped take the edge off and so did CBT, However the medication reduced my desire to exercise which made it counter productive to a certain extent. I took a risk and weaned myself of the meds and forced myself to exercise again. In my case this saved my life. This year I was a rubbish, Dad, Father, Son, Brother and Mate. All you want to do is feel how you did before. In some cases you find that you are close to it, sometimes the same. Today, I actually think I could be an even better person than I was before as I have a lot of making up to do (no fault of my own).

At my craziest moment I spent 48 hours learning how to fix a UPVC window on you tube. My 4 year olds sons bedroom window had slipped and I told myself that it was unfair of me as a father to allow him to live in such an environment and I needed to resolve this immediately. Anyone feeling 'normal' would make a call and pay £60. But I couldn't see it.

The best CBT advice I got was called 'worry time'. Throughout the day you write down on one piece of paper each time a worry comes into your head. You then pocket the paper and try to forget it. Then you select a time of day that you review the list. I chose 6pm. More often than not and particularly towards the end I found that upon reviewing the list some items were no longer a worry as they just didn't feel like it or they had resolved themselves without the need to spark panic.

 

[Cotton Socks]

For those of you that have found it helpful just to write down on here how you're feeling, perhaps starting a private unpublished blog on something like Wordpress may be of benefit. Similar to what [MENTION=20155]Clive Walker[/MENTION] said above but by writing it down it can be cathartic. It's one of those things that you can just 'do'. Write it down, don't think about your grammar or it even making sense. You can choose whether to read it back or just leave it & write again when you're feeling low.
It doesn't work for everyone but can be especially helpful to those that really don't like to open up, that way it isn't so 'bottled up'. There is also an advantage that if you don't want to sit down and tell your, friend, partner, relative 'face to face' how you're feeling you can ask them to read it instead. You can set different permissions on each blog post that allows a specified user to see it.
People have a misconception that you have to be in a really dark place phone a helpline like the Samaritans. That's not the case you can call them (or text) just to talk to someone about how you're feeling. They are not there as it's their job & they have to be there. They are there as they genuinely want to help, they can't give you the answers but a problem shared is a problem (theoretically) halved.
Keep talking on here as it really helps to know that you're not the only one dreading Xmas for one reason or another. One person has set up a new account to post but there are lots of people who will have read the posts & thought 'yeah I know how you feel' so by posting you're helping others to see they're not alone as well.
We all want Xmas to be Xmas film perfect but it's as unrealistic as 'Home Alone'. It's not wrong to not be feeling festive, another year you'll probably feel more festive. If anyone needs to borrow my dog to go out on a walk by themselves then I'll give you a fiver.

 

[DJ NOBO]

Good advice, I have recently started to tell her, I am starting to feel anxious and overwhelmed.
To be fair to her, she has given me space and been understanding to a point.
I think because you can't actually see anything as such, it can be difficult to appreciate some one in pain mentally.

Good plan.
I have told my mrs when I am depressed i find it impossible to see things in a positive light, even though I want to.
That it’s not logical and I feel powerless to change it ..
People who don’t get depressed are more fortunate than they know . Their minds work in a different way .
I think it made more sense to my wife when she saw it as an illness rather than a personality trait .
Sorry to hear you are in an overwhelmed frame of mind . I know it well .
It will pass , it always does . For me , the less I drink and the more I exercise , the quicker it passes . Different for everyone though

 

[MJsGhost]

Excellent! Thank you for that. Like you, it’s my favourite part of Christmas, the walk. Have a good one

I see you’ve finished work for Christmas - enjoy!

Not looking as good as it was (though the forecast had become much worse between then & now), but it definitely looks like a day to be up and out early.

I plan to be atop the downs for sunrise, so I’ll take it!

Merry Christmas.

 

[portlock seagull]

Early new year resolution for me: seek some help! After a wave of deaths, disease and other disasters these past couple years, it’s all caught up with me seemingly. Sort of like AA, you have to admit you’re not coping first and clearly I’m not. So made promise to wife yesterday to get help. She’s frankly held me together, especially last few months after (and some will just not understand this) our dear 15yr old dog died. I simply adored beyond words and miss every hour of every day, the grief I’ve felt has been overwhelming at times, and I still can’t even write about her like now without getting ‘a thing in my eye’. And Just had a heartbreaking chat with my Dad, who I now can’t visit tomorrow because Care Home gone into lockdown. He’s has dementia but still has moments of lucidity. Clearly understood Christmas is happening but doesn’t understand the whole covid thing and was really down/weeping because no one can take him out / family be with him for Xmas Day as I’d planned to. It’s just so tough, amongst his jumbled up sentences he said ‘you were my last hope’ and “I love you” which he hasn’t said for years. I just burst into tears the moment I got off the phone, it was all I could do to not crack up when speaking to him. In all his 80 years he’s never been alone, without family, on Xmas day. I was leaving at 7.30am tomorrow to do a 4hr round trip and still be back for early afternoon dinner with family up this way. Breaks my heart not seeing him now tomorrow. Damn this wretched plague. Damn you dementia. Like so many others at this time of year and on this thread, Christmas is a double edged sword of sadness and celebration in my household. The cup raised to absent friends gets fuller every year. Thanks for listening NSC. Best wishes to you and yours.

 

[Tom Hark Preston Park]

Best way to deal with Xmas IMHO is to ignore it completely, unless you or your kids are about 7 years old. Funnily enough it all vanishes completely 24 hours later, leaving a sea of debt and TUI summer holiday ads in its wake. Sooner you opt out of all that consumerist crap, the better you'll probably feel. Sadly message also prob applies to Albion STH

 

[pearl]

Early new year resolution for me: seek some help! After a wave of deaths, disease and other disasters these past couple years, it’s all caught up with me seemingly. Sort of like AA, you have to admit you’re not coping first and clearly I’m not. So made promise to wife yesterday to get help. She’s frankly held me together, especially last few months after (and some will just not understand this) our dear 15yr old dog died. I simply adored beyond words and miss every hour of every day, the grief I’ve felt has been overwhelming at times, and I still can’t even write about her like now without getting ‘a thing in my eye’. And Just had a heartbreaking chat with my Dad, who I now can’t visit tomorrow because Care Home gone into lockdown. He’s has dementia but still has moments of lucidity. Clearly understood Christmas is happening but doesn’t understand the whole covid thing and was really down/weeping because no one can take him out / family be with him for Xmas Day as I’d planned to. It’s just so tough, amongst his jumbled up sentences he said ‘you were my last hope’ and “I love you” which he hasn’t said for years. I just burst into tears the moment I got off the phone, it was all I could do to not crack up when speaking to him. In all his 80 years he’s never been alone, without family, on Xmas day. I was leaving at 7.30am tomorrow to do a 4hr round trip and still be back for early afternoon dinner with family up this way. Breaks my heart not seeing him now tomorrow. Damn this wretched plague. Damn you dementia. Like so many others at this time of year and on this thread, Christmas is a double edged sword of sadness and celebration in my household. The cup raised to absent friends gets fuller every year. Thanks for listening NSC. Best wishes to you and yours.

Just want to wish you all the very best

 

[AmexRuislip]

Early new year resolution for me: seek some help! After a wave of deaths, disease and other disasters these past couple years, it’s all caught up with me seemingly. Sort of like AA, you have to admit you’re not coping first and clearly I’m not. So made promise to wife yesterday to get help. She’s frankly held me together, especially last few months after (and some will just not understand this) our dear 15yr old dog died. I simply adored beyond words and miss every hour of every day, the grief I’ve felt has been overwhelming at times, and I still can’t even write about her like now without getting ‘a thing in my eye’. And Just had a heartbreaking chat with my Dad, who I now can’t visit tomorrow because Care Home gone into lockdown. He’s has dementia but still has moments of lucidity. Clearly understood Christmas is happening but doesn’t understand the whole covid thing and was really down/weeping because no one can take him out / family be with him for Xmas Day as I’d planned to. It’s just so tough, amongst his jumbled up sentences he said ‘you were my last hope’ and “I love you” which he hasn’t said for years. I just burst into tears the moment I got off the phone, it was all I could do to not crack up when speaking to him. In all his 80 years he’s never been alone, without family, on Xmas day. I was leaving at 7.30am tomorrow to do a 4hr round trip and still be back for early afternoon dinner with family up this way. Breaks my heart not seeing him now tomorrow. Damn this wretched plague. Damn you dementia. Like so many others at this time of year and on this thread, Christmas is a double edged sword of sadness and celebration in my household. The cup raised to absent friends gets fuller every year. Thanks for listening NSC. Best wishes to you and yours.

Always here with an ear.
PM sent

 

[herecomesaregular]

Early new year resolution for me: seek some help! After a wave of deaths, disease and other disasters these past couple years, it’s all caught up with me seemingly. Sort of like AA, you have to admit you’re not coping first and clearly I’m not. So made promise to wife yesterday to get help. She’s frankly held me together, especially last few months after (and some will just not understand this) our dear 15yr old dog died. I simply adored beyond words and miss every hour of every day, the grief I’ve felt has been overwhelming at times, and I still can’t even write about her like now without getting ‘a thing in my eye’. And Just had a heartbreaking chat with my Dad, who I now can’t visit tomorrow because Care Home gone into lockdown. He’s has dementia but still has moments of lucidity. Clearly understood Christmas is happening but doesn’t understand the whole covid thing and was really down/weeping because no one can take him out / family be with him for Xmas Day as I’d planned to. It’s just so tough, amongst his jumbled up sentences he said ‘you were my last hope’ and “I love you” which he hasn’t said for years. I just burst into tears the moment I got off the phone, it was all I could do to not crack up when speaking to him. In all his 80 years he’s never been alone, without family, on Xmas day. I was leaving at 7.30am tomorrow to do a 4hr round trip and still be back for early afternoon dinner with family up this way. Breaks my heart not seeing him now tomorrow. Damn this wretched plague. Damn you dementia. Like so many others at this time of year and on this thread, Christmas is a double edged sword of sadness and celebration in my household. The cup raised to absent friends gets fuller every year. Thanks for listening NSC. Best wishes to you and yours.

Animals are under-rated, so after a long time together (15 years is a great innings after all) I can understand your grief. I've only had my rescue cat for 3 months and I'm hating having to leave her for about 30 hours over Xmas (not that she'll be bothered, she has lots of cosy sitting spots high and low and 3 auto feeders dotted about, the radio on. She's also under camera surveillance). Take care.

 

[herecomesaregular]

Best way to deal with Xmas IMHO is to ignore it completely, unless you or your kids are about 7 years old. Funnily enough it all vanishes completely 24 hours later, leaving a sea of debt and TUI summer holiday ads in its wake. Sooner you opt out of all that consumerist crap, the better you'll probably feel. Sadly message also prob applies to Albion STH

Mostly agree with this but it's the TV adverts pushing their cosy family and friends that get to me for some reason. Hard to avoid TV over Xmas.

i'm trying the Wim Hof Method to help with anxiety and depression. The cold showers I find really easy and enjoyable but the breathing I'm finding harder (in particular the breath out and don't breath in for at least a minute. This isn't the same as breathing in and holding it, obviously ). Anyway, trying to persevere with it as I do not enjoy Christmas at all. WHM is mentioned on the other NSC mental health thread if anyone is interested.

 

[Weststander]

Early new year resolution for me: seek some help! After a wave of deaths, disease and other disasters these past couple years, it’s all caught up with me seemingly. Sort of like AA, you have to admit you’re not coping first and clearly I’m not. So made promise to wife yesterday to get help. She’s frankly held me together, especially last few months after (and some will just not understand this) our dear 15yr old dog died. I simply adored beyond words and miss every hour of every day, the grief I’ve felt has been overwhelming at times, and I still can’t even write about her like now without getting ‘a thing in my eye’. And Just had a heartbreaking chat with my Dad, who I now can’t visit tomorrow because Care Home gone into lockdown. He’s has dementia but still has moments of lucidity. Clearly understood Christmas is happening but doesn’t understand the whole covid thing and was really down/weeping because no one can take him out / family be with him for Xmas Day as I’d planned to. It’s just so tough, amongst his jumbled up sentences he said ‘you were my last hope’ and “I love you” which he hasn’t said for years. I just burst into tears the moment I got off the phone, it was all I could do to not crack up when speaking to him. In all his 80 years he’s never been alone, without family, on Xmas day. I was leaving at 7.30am tomorrow to do a 4hr round trip and still be back for early afternoon dinner with family up this way. Breaks my heart not seeing him now tomorrow. Damn this wretched plague. Damn you dementia. Like so many others at this time of year and on this thread, Christmas is a double edged sword of sadness and celebration in my household. The cup raised to absent friends gets fuller every year. Thanks for listening NSC. Best wishes to you and yours.

So sorry to hear about those events and circumstances @Portlock.

Many of us get the pet thing, a mutual love with no strings. I still get that thing in my eye thinking about our cat who passed about 6 years ago, even though we very soon afterwards made cat rescue twins very happy.

That’s awful about the access to your beloved Dad. I wonder if there could be a far more humane system this time around eg Covid testing to allow loved ones to meet up?

I hope 2022 is kinder to you.

 

[Cheeky Monkey]

Mostly agree with this but it's the TV adverts pushing their cosy family and friends that get to me for some reason. Hard to avoid TV over Xmas.

A gay friend of my ex played 'the dad' in two such round the Xmas table jolly family TV ads for Aldi because he needed the money. Happy families it certainly wasn't.

 

[Durlston]

Little brother is home for the first time in two years and I'm so happy! He loves Christmas and passed his Covid-19 tests at his autism residential care this week.

Last year was so hard that xmas wasn't even celebrated. It was so difficult and depressing.

I'm thinking of all the posters on here that won't be able to be with their loved ones. You're a top man [MENTION=663]portlock seagull[/MENTION]. Your post made me feel sad and I hope things improve for your family.

 

[Bry Nylon]

Early new year resolution for me: seek some help! After a wave of deaths, disease and other disasters these past couple years, it’s all caught up with me seemingly. Sort of like AA, you have to admit you’re not coping first and clearly I’m not. So made promise to wife yesterday to get help. She’s frankly held me together, especially last few months after (and some will just not understand this) our dear 15yr old dog died. I simply adored beyond words and miss every hour of every day, the grief I’ve felt has been overwhelming at times, and I still can’t even write about her like now without getting ‘a thing in my eye’. And Just had a heartbreaking chat with my Dad, who I now can’t visit tomorrow because Care Home gone into lockdown. He’s has dementia but still has moments of lucidity. Clearly understood Christmas is happening but doesn’t understand the whole covid thing and was really down/weeping because no one can take him out / family be with him for Xmas Day as I’d planned to. It’s just so tough, amongst his jumbled up sentences he said ‘you were my last hope’ and “I love you” which he hasn’t said for years. I just burst into tears the moment I got off the phone, it was all I could do to not crack up when speaking to him. In all his 80 years he’s never been alone, without family, on Xmas day. I was leaving at 7.30am tomorrow to do a 4hr round trip and still be back for early afternoon dinner with family up this way. Breaks my heart not seeing him now tomorrow. Damn this wretched plague. Damn you dementia. Like so many others at this time of year and on this thread, Christmas is a double edged sword of sadness and celebration in my household. The cup raised to absent friends gets fuller every year. Thanks for listening NSC. Best wishes to you and yours.

I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow. Stick in there.

 

[MTSeagulls]

Merry Christmas everyone on NSC. Hopefully the future will be brighter for all of us.
Love and peace

 

[Knocky's Nose]

Early new year resolution for me: seek some help! After a wave of deaths, disease and other disasters these past couple years, it’s all caught up with me seemingly. Sort of like AA, you have to admit you’re not coping first and clearly I’m not. So made promise to wife yesterday to get help. She’s frankly held me together, especially last few months after (and some will just not understand this) our dear 15yr old dog died. I simply adored beyond words and miss every hour of every day, the grief I’ve felt has been overwhelming at times, and I still can’t even write about her like now without getting ‘a thing in my eye’. And Just had a heartbreaking chat with my Dad, who I now can’t visit tomorrow because Care Home gone into lockdown. He’s has dementia but still has moments of lucidity. Clearly understood Christmas is happening but doesn’t understand the whole covid thing and was really down/weeping because no one can take him out / family be with him for Xmas Day as I’d planned to. It’s just so tough, amongst his jumbled up sentences he said ‘you were my last hope’ and “I love you” which he hasn’t said for years. I just burst into tears the moment I got off the phone, it was all I could do to not crack up when speaking to him. In all his 80 years he’s never been alone, without family, on Xmas day. I was leaving at 7.30am tomorrow to do a 4hr round trip and still be back for early afternoon dinner with family up this way. Breaks my heart not seeing him now tomorrow. Damn this wretched plague. Damn you dementia. Like so many others at this time of year and on this thread, Christmas is a double edged sword of sadness and celebration in my household. The cup raised to absent friends gets fuller every year. Thanks for listening NSC. Best wishes to you and yours.

Your post serves to make people who think they've got things bad... realise they could be worse.

All i can say is that if in 80 years your Dad has never been alone, then he's had a good 80 years. God bless him.

I understand the pain of a dog passing. I posted on here earlier this year when our dog of 14 years died, and I really cannot tell you how wonderful people were - both on the thread and PM's. I still miss her dearly, but the thing which gets me through is knowing what a long life she had, and what a great life she had. If you couldn't have done any more, then that's the doggy dream

Christmas seems to sharply polarise emotions. You are so right in saying it's a double edged sword. I'm no expert, but all I can say is try and focus on the positives - and try to pick the positives (however small) out of the negatives. Then, when you get help - they'll probably tell you to ignore idiots like me..

 

[BLOCK F]

Giving a thought for those on here, who, for whatever reason, may be feeling sad or just mentally below par.
Take care of yourselves and those you care for.

 

[WATFORD zero]

I sincerely hope those on here and elsewhere who struggle at this time of year manage to have a peaceful day, and can then look forward.

 

[pearl]

This thread is so emotional

I totally get the losing a pet thing. Earlier this year I was in Preston Park and a lovely dog came up to me and sat down. The young guy he was with told me Dylan was pinning for his 'owner' who had recently passed away. I went home and sobbed my heart out.