Can anyone recommend a good fitness regime?

[Guinness Boy]

Yesterday I played football at lunchtime at work. I normally play every week but having had a couple of weeks off and a bit of time working from home yesterday was the first time I had played for 4 weeks. It’s bad enough that my legs ached yesterday but today I can feel muscles that haven’t been used since I was 21 and, to be frank, my legs are as stiff as a pimp’s penis. That and a burgeoning beer gut mean I have to start some sort of exercise regime other that playing footy every 4 weeks. Does anyone have any suggestions for a top way of regaining fitness? You should know first of all that there are a few suggestions that are already out of the question, those being:

1. The Gym
Sorry but I tried this and didn’t like it. Frankly who wants to spend half a months salary to spend their evenings in a neon lit room filled with hideously sprung instruments of torture, steroid addicted muscle marys, silent tellies, booming Euro Trance and, if you’re really unlucky, Dwayne. Plus I have an aversion to lycra and I don’t mean wearing it, I mean seeing people in it. No, you may keep the gym.

2. Running / Jogging
Again out. Firstly running on pavement is terrible for my already dodgy knees so it would have to be Hove Lawns. This brings up the problem, in winter, of dress sense and having to wear warm enough to get to the lawns but cool enough to run in. Frankly this is going to involve some sort of hat and tracksuit combination and I have no desire to look like a 16 year old burglar. There is also the auto-direction issue. I rarely leave the house in my leisure hours unless sustenance is involved. There’s every possibility that I could leave with the intention of going for a run but my brain could set to auto-pilot and I would return 20 minutes later clutching a chicken madras, 4 pack of Guinness and a pack of pork scratchings. That’s not going to help.

3. Aerobics.
Just because of Mad Lizzy.

Am I doomed to be a fat bastard?

 

[El Presidente]

Serial masturbation

 

[Shizuoka Dolphin]

 

[Guinness Boy]

<PICTURE OF OLD LADIES>

Is that a suggestion for fitness or some material to go with El Pres' suggestion?

 

[strings]

Swimming?

It will slowly improve your cardio and ahouldn't hurt too much the next day unless you overdo it.

Also you can 'build up' - i.e. only do a few lengths the first few times and then start to increase the distances that you swim.

In addition to swimming you could try press ups/sit up - can be done in the comfort of your own home (just like el Pres's suggestion!) - and over a period of time can have noticable effect.

That way you have swimming for cardio exercise and press ups and sit ups for muscle building.

 

[Barrel of Fun]

Is that Frank's wife in the bermuda shorts?


Guiness Boy - you should try and find out if anywhere near you does 'Circuits'. Fantastic fitness and if you do that twice a week combined with some swimming then you will get fit in no time at all.

 

[Brixton Seagull 2]

Don't rule out the running. I used to HATE it, convinced it was the most boring, lonely, tedious of fitness pursuits, but I have seen the light.
I ran a 10k race for charity and it was one of the best, life affirming things I've done in years. Plus, from a motivational angle, if you get people to sponsor you, you feel like you can't let them down. If you enter one of the Cancer Research races, start with a 5k one, it's full of fat blobs wheezing around the course doing their first race, looking like they're going to keel over, so you won't feel out of place
Main thing about getting fit however you do it is to set yourself goals. Achievable goals.
Do it!

 

[Les Biehn]

I must admit I hate running to begin with but once your fitness ups you can get really into it. Done 3 10k runs in the last week and knowing that I was capable of doing it made me feel pretty good and spurs you on.

 

[London Calling]

Go for that hot yoga, loads of stretching and pulling, but you're surrounded by loads of lithe hot sweaty, firm female bodies. So afterwards you go for more stretching and pulling.

 

[robbied69]

Swimming is great for toning up, watch what you eat, plus if you have a wife/gf lots of sex. Apparently its the equivalent of running 2 miles.

 

[Meade's Ball]

I must admit I hate running to begin with but once your fitness ups you can get really into it. Done 3 10k runs in the last week and knowing that I was capable of doing it made me feel pretty good and spurs you on.

I do sometimes love a run, but never for the running itself. More for the site-seeing and the witnessing of the gallery of animal marriage and divorce. In the early hours there's a naked fox to spot with part of a boney rubbish bag in his mouth and an egg-shell fragment on his toes. You can wink at him and wish him all the best as he quadrolimps back to his soily apartment to feed his children, who he will slit the throats of and devour by evening. Magpies monarchistically haunt the sky in pieces knowing they'll be saluted by both me and squirrels for the sake of chance, or romance, or a knighthood. Pigeons awake too fat for the desperate day of pecking and crumb-hunting that will impose itself for 18 hours. As we know, pigeon sex lasts about 3 seconds. They are two pump squirters with the hens never satisfied. But first thing each morning, their is still dream, and wax, in their unpolished eyes.
I keep going for around an hour, never quickly, more ploddingly so i can't completely lose breath for life or miss the opportunity to see something else. 6.15am. Or 8.25am on the weekends.

 

[Guinness Boy]

Swimming is great for toning up, watch what you eat, plus if you have a wife/gf lots of sex. Apparently its the equivalent of running 2 miles.

She's just given birth and it takes a little while for the bits to heal.

Swimming however is a top idea. Do British public baths still have those signs outlawing bombing and 'heavy petting' plus a compulsory but random 10 year old pissing in the shallow end?

 

[hopkins]

Sounds like you dont like any form of exercise and your internet name is Guinness Boy !

Heart attack time for you me old china.

 

[Race]

Exercise bike plonked in front of TV. You can even cycle with no hands which is great for eating crisps at the same time.

 

[Dick Knights Mumm]

Eat Less. Exercise More.

 

[Les Biehn]

Exercise bike plonked in front of TV. You can even cycle with no hands which is great for eating crisps at the same time.

I have this imagine in my head of you Race. I reckon your pretty fecking sexy.

 

[Les Biehn]

I do sometimes love a run, but never for the running itself. More for the site-seeing and the witnessing of the gallery of animal marriage and divorce. In the early hours there's a naked fox to spot with part of a boney rubbish bag in his mouth and an egg-shell fragment on his toes. You can wink at him and wish him all the best as he quadrolimps back to his soily apartment to feed his children, who he will slit the throats of and devour by evening. Magpies monarchistically haunt the sky in pieces knowing they'll be saluted by both me and squirrels for the sake of chance, or romance, or a knighthood. Pigeons awake too fat for the desperate day of pecking and crumb-hunting that will impose itself for 18 hours. As we know, pigeon sex lasts about 3 seconds. They are two pump squirters with the hens never satisfied. But first thing each morning, their is still dream, and wax, in their unpolished eyes.
I keep going for around an hour, never quickly, more ploddingly so i can't completely lose breath for life or miss the opportunity to see something else. 6.15am. Or 8.25am on the weekends.

I do it mainly for the pain. The pain when unfit is shit, when fit I like it. That burn of pushing yourself. Plus if I can cut down the beer I will be a god like figure soon. Never been one before.

 

[Hannibal smith]

Swimming is the only answer. My right knee is shagged so it is the only exercise I can realistically do (Running is out as it kills, Gym is incredibly BORING, Aerobics is for Girls).

The only problem is public swimming pools. This mean your sharing the pool with half the world and can normally only swim at specific times (or share the pool with an inflatable octopus, a screaming kid and two women who don't want to get their hair wet called Doris and Joan). I therefore pay £56 a month to a gym and all I do is swim. It may be costly but its a better quality of Chlorine and Piss that i'm swimming in.

 

[Napper]

half a months salary at a gym . .. this could be your prob . Mine is £30 . Find a gym with a running track as very bouncy

2x weights a week

1 day back and biceps
day 2 chest triceps shoulders

and 3 x 30 min runs a week

Do this for 6 months and results will be very good

 

[Hannibal smith]

And if you enter this its something to aim for to keep you going.

http://www.swimathon.org/