Brent was right...

[Goring Gull]

Just to let you all know, don't EVER try to crimp out a fat one while suffering from a bad back. Not from the obvious danger of some kind of rupture as you reach the anal equivalent of the vinegar strokes, but from the potential collateral damage.

A couple of years ago I was suffering from a back SPASM and felt the need to drain my colon. The previous nights chicken tikka mahani was duly dispatched to a better place and I was then confronted with the need to mop up. I then realised that due to my back I couldn't reach round to administer the buffing up so had to call on Mrs Hiney to assist. She wasn't happy but after some gentle persuading, she agreed to wield the paper and help me out.

By this time, the toilet smelt like kicking out time at the black hole of Calcutta, so she was struggling a bit. She took a deep breath and, holding her wad of Andrex infused with aloe Vera, she plunged behind me and moved towards the crime scene. At this time, she inadvertently took a breath and immediately spewed forth a stream of bile, carrots and assorted chunks straight down my back. I was now sitting there with a rapidly drying crust of decaying curry circling my ring, with a stream of vomit drizzling into my arse crack. I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry. Somehow we managed to clear up and agreed that we should never speak of it again.



Oh.

Quality

 

[Gullys Cats]

Arriving back from lunch, I pressed then button for the lift. It arrived on the ground floor, and before I got in, a woman on her mobile came BARRELLING out, not looking where she was going, and had to do a swerve to avoid colliding with me. I let out a "whoops", as if it was MY fault, but this went totally unacknowledged as she scuttled off, head down, phone jammed hard against the side of her face.

I thought nothing more of it until I stepped into the lift, and the doors closed. Before I pressed 2, I was immediately assaulted by an odourous STENCH the likes of which I have not smelled since the infamous full-blown surprise rear axel Curry Mahal pebbledash BLOWOUT of 2003. It was so bad, I turned around and checked the floor to see if she'd curled out a Vince somewhere.

What do you do in that situation ? I could have held my breath, but I'd only have been holding in the foul, fetid gasses of her soiled inner colon. I elected to slowly release the air from my lungs as the lift travelled up the two floors, until the thankful release of the 2nd floor arrived and I could once again breathe in the pure, sweet, air-conditioned oxygen of the hallway. I glanced back into my vertical tomb of STENCH before the doors closed and I could swear the mirror had warped, and the carpetting was coming up at the corners. DISGUSTING bint.

I will add here that I would normally take the stairs, but I was a bit late back after I'd doubled-back to Londis to pick up a bottle of fresh orange juice with bits in.

Women are dirty.

f***ing funny

 

[Goring Gull]

When I used to be an insolvency accountant I ran a nightclub in Blackpool called had gone bust. It was very rough, had a very dodgy clientele, and I didn't trust the management, so I had to do the cash check every Friday and Saturday night and lock up to stop them nicking too much booze.

One Saturday I had just put the takings in the safe, and heard a noise from the toilets. Armed with a baseball bat, as we had suffered a few break ins, I quietly made my way towards where I had heard the noise.

In the first trap a bouncer was shagging an absolute MUNTER up the arse, she had her arms and head on the cistern, and he was going at it like a dog eating a pork chop.

I coughed politely, as did not want to disturb the disgraceful act, she yelled out in alarm, he pulled out of her and I was faced with the frightening sight of her recently ravaged arsehole, which in the immediate aftermath of being rogered, was wide open and resembled my nan with her teeth out.

She then, in a fit of panic, let loose a FLURRY of semi- loose stools which resembled a colony of brown bats leaving a belfry. Such was the velocity of her motion that they peppered the bouncer's trousers, covering him in a dusting of soft turds the size of cherry tomatoes.

LOL that sums up Blackpool to a tee

 

[Brightonfan1983]

When I used to be an insolvency accountant I ran a nightclub in Blackpool called had gone bust. It was very rough, had a very dodgy clientele, and I didn't trust the management, so I had to do the cash check every Friday and Saturday night and lock up to stop them nicking too much booze.

One Saturday I had just put the takings in the safe, and heard a noise from the toilets. Armed with a baseball bat, as we had suffered a few break ins, I quietly made my way towards where I had heard the noise.

In the first trap a bouncer was shagging an absolute MUNTER up the arse, she had her arms and head on the cistern, and he was going at it like a dog eating a pork chop.

I coughed politely, as did not want to disturb the disgraceful act, she yelled out in alarm, he pulled out of her and I was faced with the frightening sight of her recently ravaged arsehole, which in the immediate aftermath of being rogered, was wide open and resembled my nan with her teeth out.

She then, in a fit of panic, let loose a FLURRY of semi- loose stools which resembled a colony of brown bats leaving a belfry. Such was the velocity of her motion that they peppered the bouncer's trousers, covering him in a dusting of soft turds the size of cherry tomatoes.

The ONLY way I can sleep tonight is by telling myself this is too absurd to be real...

 

[LukeOwen]

 

[Seagull27]

I remember a mate of mine telling me a story about when he was at uni. He'd been out of action with food poisoning for a little while, but over the last day or two had mostly recovered and had been invited on a night out. Thinking that the worst was behind him and not wanting to miss out, he agreed to come along. Things went well to begin with, the drinks flowed, and to cut a long story short, he got talking to a girl who eventually invited him home with her.

It's worth noting at this point that my mate is the sort of person who NEVER has a straight-forward night out. There's always something that happens, completely out of his control, that makes for a horrible/embarassing time for him, but hilarious for the rest of us. This night was no exception.

He got back to this girl's house and things were going well. Sitting on her bed, they'd started getting down to things and it looked like he was odds on to score. And then he suddenly got that dreaded feeling of a storm brewing within his bowels. We've all been there. A combination of a dodgy stomach and far too much cheap beer meant he only had seconds to act.

He quickly made some excuse about freshening up and legged it to the bathroom, clinging onto his dignity with a tightly contracted sphincter. Just making it onto the toilet, he let go - with a huge explosion ensuing. The bowel movements went on for a good 10 minutes, with my mate starting to worry about the poor girl waiting for him in her underwear. She must have figured out that something was wrong.

Having finished up, and using a half a roll of shit rag to wipe away the evidence, he looked down. What remained made Chernobyl look like paradise - and to make matters far worse, it wouldn't flush away. The toilet was ruined.

There was only one option left to him. Sex was no longer an option. He crawled out of the small bathroom window and ran.

 

[Withdean and I]

This thread is pure (ile) NSC gold!!!
I have been laughing so damn hard that my children have been laughing at me laughing!
It's reminded me of another interesting moment a few years back when at a staff Crimbo party. There was a lady there of a mature age and, to be kind, comfortable proportion. She wore one of those dresses that was fairly loose, light and free from top to bottom.
Anyway as the evening went on there were three of engaged in conversation with her when my nose detected the first whiff of a freshly dropped hat. The whiff subsided for a couple of seconds but then, a bit like a tsunami, the first wave was just the starter. Strangely the putrid wave of fresh human dung odour was pouring out the top of this dirty old cows flabby cleavage. I made a dive for the nearest door to take in some clean fresh air and was quickly joined by the other two who had been chatting with her.
One of them was retching for all he was worth although somehow managed to keep his party food down - just.
To this day I do not know what she did, because I was fully expecting to find a plop or two where she had been standing.
What a minging old grotbag.

 

[cmonbarrybringonwoody!]

gold. Am reading this whilst curling out a fat one myself. I have to say tho that my usual dragon river log flume has today been replaced by what resembles a small bowl of potato croquettes due to the fact that laughter has rendered my rectum to not work with the guillotine of awesome it usually does.

 

[Neil]

Some dirty bastard on the building site for a joke pushed out a big log and put it under the seat at the front.
Next bloke goes in for a dump, sits on the seat squashing it and the contents squirts out into his boxers.
The site Agent had to go home lol

 

[grummitts gloves]

A couple of turd related stories...
About 4 years ago we were on holiday in Kos. One day we went on one of those boat trips where they take you out for the day to a little island, BBQ, swimming off the boat etc. Anyhow, not being a great lover of swimming, I sat on the boat watching people jump into the sea. I happened to look down into the water and saw this massive Richard the third bobbing along. Well, in true Kevin & Perry style I shouted 'FLOATER'! You've never seen so many people get out of the sea so fast!

When I was about 8 or 9, my cousin and I spent one Easter at our grandparent. We got the usual mountain of Easter eggs including a Terry's dark chocolate egg each. We woofed them down our necks for breakfast and then went down the rec to play football. After about 10 mins, my cousin had this pained expression on his face and shouted 'I've got to go'. He was off sprinting back to nan's house like a long dog, with me following on behind. He suddenly got slower and slower and finally stopped on the main road as a torrent of Terry's All Gold infused shit streamed down his legs! As I said, we had been playing football and he had shorts on. We are in our 40's now and I still remind him of this tale from time to time. Happy days!

 

[Easy 10]

What a wuss, but then I hate indoor dogshit.

To be fair, who doesn't ?

 

[Smirko]

Pure comedy, absolute comedy gold. Top thread of the season.

 

[SK1NT]

When i was a teenager there was this kid that lived down my road that me and my mate never liked. This mate of mine came over to my house and decided that we should do something to get this kid.

My mate came up with the idea of turd bombing his front door... little did i know he meant his own turd.

He went to the downstairs toilet with a crisp sheet of A4 paper. After a few minutes he walked out with this 15 inch turd in perfect form and unbroken on this sheet of paper... It was difficult to not admire the perfect form on this sheet.

Walking from the toilet through the lounge and kitchen to the front door holding this turd like he was a French waiter serving champagne off a silver tray. The stench was revolting and could almost see a smell trail of this turds travels.

We continued to rub this turd over this kids front door...

The next day this kid approached me and said i know it was you that rubbed that ‘DOG’ shit on my front door....

 

[marshy68]

When I used to be an insolvency accountant I ran a nightclub in Blackpool called had gone bust. It was very rough, had a very dodgy clientele, and I didn't trust the management, so I had to do the cash check every Friday and Saturday night and lock up to stop them nicking too much booze.

One Saturday I had just put the takings in the safe, and heard a noise from the toilets. Armed with a baseball bat, as we had suffered a few break ins, I quietly made my way towards where I had heard the noise.

In the first trap a bouncer was shagging an absolute MUNTER up the arse, she had her arms and head on the cistern, and he was going at it like a dog eating a pork chop.

I coughed politely, as did not want to disturb the disgraceful act, she yelled out in alarm, he pulled out of her and I was faced with the frightening sight of her recently ravaged arsehole, which in the immediate aftermath of being rogered, was wide open and resembled my nan with her teeth out.

She then, in a fit of panic, let loose a FLURRY of semi- loose stools which resembled a colony of brown bats leaving a belfry. Such was the velocity of her motion that they peppered the bouncer's trousers, covering him in a dusting of soft turds the size of cherry tomatoes.

possibly the greatest post ever - sir i salute you.

 

[marshy68]

when i was student many moons ago - i was at the cash point at midnight getting out the proveribial £5iver.... my mate had slopped off I presumed to go for a piss. As i with drew my card and the money - he reappeared holidng a freshly curled out log and said I hate banks and placed his newly born turd on the key pad of the cashy... it was the days when they had a perspex screen that came down to protect the key board ( not sure they had envisaged the design to be turd protectors). As the screen went down it perfectly disected half his turd half encased in its perspex tomb the other half kind of hanging off the cashpoint.... how we laughed. It wasnt until the next morning i realised there might be a problem.... as i walked through the town to my lectures to be confronted by a fork lift truck removing said cashy... i did become a bit nervous.... A week later the bank rang me to see if i could help them with an incident at the cash point as mine was the last card used "before someone defecated on the ATM".... I of course denied all knowledge of the log incident - but using cashpoints has never been the same since.

 

[Hove Seagull]

The morning after my 19th birthday party, at our shared student flat in Coldean, a neatly curled-out turd was found in the toilet brush holder. Never found out who laid it! Sad fact is, it was only 6 inches from the actual toilet, so we were really puzzled as to why there?

 

[barny6969]

After a days drinking with the football club . We went to the Atlantis nightclub end of Eastbourne pier . After a lot more Stella . We stumbled out looking for food. Walked into to town a found KFC. Ordered 3 zinger tower buggers. Woofed them down outside. an then got this massive urge to dump . With KFC now shut. I parked my arse In between two parked cars and drop my guts all over the road . Holding myself up with my arms on the cars bumpers . My mates pissed themselves watching. With people walking past . When I finally got up it looked like a elephant had drop it . Still my biggest mess ever. f***ing Stella. !

 

[smelly]

From 2006 but still the definitive guide:


A Guide To Taking A Shit At Work



We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK SHIT is inevitable. For those who hate shitting at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.


CROP DUSTING - When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants

FLY BY - The act of scouting out a bathroom before shitting. Walk in and check for other shitters. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom

ESCAPEE - A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a dump in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy

JAILBREAK - When forcing a dump, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH - The act of flushing the toilet the instant the shit hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the shit has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME

WALK OF SHAME - Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH

OUT OF THE CLOSET SHITTER - A colleague who shits at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Shitter enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Shitter before entering the bathroom.

THE SHITTING FRIENDS NETWORK (S.F.N) - A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency shitting goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Shitters, and identify SAFE HAVENS

TURD BURGLAR - Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE - A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the shitter can shit in peace

WATERMELON - A dump that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH

HAVANA OMELET - A case of diarrhea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED - A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to shit when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees

 

[Arfurfuxsake]

I have a vege girlfriend, and can confirm that veges defo have the worst farts out there on the market

It must be a tad disappointing to have a girlfriend that doesnt eat the meat!

 

[sten]

From 2006 but still the definitive guide:


A Guide To Taking A Shit At Work



We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK SHIT is inevitable. For those who hate shitting at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.


CROP DUSTING - When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants

FLY BY - The act of scouting out a bathroom before shitting. Walk in and check for other shitters. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom

ESCAPEE - A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a dump in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy

JAILBREAK - When forcing a dump, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH - The act of flushing the toilet the instant the shit hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the shit has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME

WALK OF SHAME - Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH

OUT OF THE CLOSET SHITTER - A colleague who shits at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Shitter enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Shitter before entering the bathroom.

THE SHITTING FRIENDS NETWORK (S.F.N) - A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency shitting goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Shitters, and identify SAFE HAVENS

TURD BURGLAR - Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE - A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the shitter can shit in peace

WATERMELON - A dump that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH

HAVANA OMELET - A case of diarrhea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED - A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to shit when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees

Superb pure comic genuis