Brent was right...

[bennibenj]

A sobering tale indeed.

The toilets on our floor consist of Trap 1 and Trap 2, no urinal. I simply refuse to shit in there. I'll go in there for a jimmy, but I simply cannot BEAR defecating directly next to someone, or risking someone entering the trap next to me whilst I am embroiled mid-cack. The plop-plop noises are bad enough when they are someone elses, but I cannot begin to imagine the horror if they were my own, quite apart from the smell.

Therefore, I use the handicapped toilet on the ground floor. Sure you risk a wasted journey if someone is in there (as well as a bit of an uncomfortable waddle back to the desk), but the rewards are well worth it. A VAST room you could park a medium sized Transit in. A metal bar screwed into the wall on the right for extra grip and traction if straining (mind the red emergency cord though). And a fold-down armrest on the left for the more relaxed, leisurely release.

I bloody love that handicapped bog. The only slight downside is I don't like the toilet seat, it’s a bit smaller than the usual ones for some reason, and the plastic has gone a bit scuddy, so I always give it a good wipe before docking.

This has to be my favourite post of 2012 so far, poetic genious. Brilliant

 

[Easy 10]

Between relaxing in the disabled bog, rushing out to the ice cream van, and posting on NSC, do you actually find time to do any work Easy?

Its a fair question.

I have days, really.

 

[Simster]

You are lucky no-one got in at floor 1. They would immediately have thought it was you.

On a similar theme, I work in a 6 floor building. It is for this reason that when perusing the traps on my own floor when I am ready to deliver a brown baby of my own, I will ALWAYS avoid any trap with unreasonably large skidmarks and untold messiness in the bowl. I am NOT risking walking out of the trap after completing my dump to a chap waiting to use the very same trap, in case they thought it was me who made the unsightly mess. Instead, I will find a suitably unskidded pan on an alternative floor. The mezanine is my floor of choice as that is where HR are based, and thus an absence of gentlemen on the floor = far less used male toilets = higher chance of clean POT.

 

[Alex Alex Dawson oo! oo!]

Damn straight.
Orange Calippo is the nectar of the GODS. I'd risk a full-on underkeck creamy cradle for a Calippo if the van was pulling away.

Naarr - for a lime one maybe, not orange.

 

[melias shoes]

Arriving back from lunch, I pressed then button for the lift. It arrived on the ground floor, and before I got in, a woman on her mobile came BARRELLING out, not looking where she was going, and had to do a swerve to avoid colliding with me. I let out a "whoops", as if it was MY fault, but this went totally unacknowledged as she scuttled off, head down, phone jammed hard against the side of her face.

I thought nothing more of it until I stepped into the lift, and the doors closed. Before I pressed 2, I was immediately assaulted by an odourous STENCH the likes of which I have not smelled since the infamous full-blown surprise rear axel Curry Mahal pebbledash BLOWOUT of 2003. It was so bad, I turned around and checked the floor to see if she'd curled out a Vince somewhere.

What do you do in that situation ? I could have held my breath, but I'd only have been holding in the foul, fetid gasses of her soiled inner colon. I elected to slowly release the air from my lungs as the lift travelled up the two floors, until the thankful release of the 2nd floor arrived and I could once again breathe in the pure, sweet, air-conditioned oxygen of the hallway. I glanced back into my vertical tomb of STENCH before the doors closed and I could swear the mirror had warped, and the carpetting was coming up at the corners. DISGUSTING bint.

I will add here that I would normally take the stairs, but I was a bit late back after I'd doubled-back to Londis to pick up a bottle of fresh orange juice with bits in.

Women are dirty.

I think I would have no wonder she couldn't look you in the eye.

 

[Dirk Gently]

Farting in a lift is just wrong on so many levels.

 

[leigull]

Arriving back from lunch, I pressed then button for the lift. It arrived on the ground floor, and before I got in, a woman on her mobile came BARRELLING out, not looking where she was going, and had to do a swerve to avoid colliding with me. I let out a "whoops", as if it was MY fault, but this went totally unacknowledged as she scuttled off, head down, phone jammed hard against the side of her face.

I thought nothing more of it until I stepped into the lift, and the doors closed. Before I pressed 2, I was immediately assaulted by an odourous STENCH the likes of which I have not smelled since the infamous full-blown surprise rear axel Curry Mahal pebbledash BLOWOUT of 2003. It was so bad, I turned around and checked the floor to see if she'd curled out a Vince somewhere.

What do you do in that situation ? I could have held my breath, but I'd only have been holding in the foul, fetid gasses of her soiled inner colon. I elected to slowly release the air from my lungs as the lift travelled up the two floors, until the thankful release of the 2nd floor arrived and I could once again breathe in the pure, sweet, air-conditioned oxygen of the hallway. I glanced back into my vertical tomb of STENCH before the doors closed and I could swear the mirror had warped, and the carpetting was coming up at the corners. DISGUSTING bint.

I will add here that I would normally take the stairs, but I was a bit late back after I'd doubled-back to Londis to pick up a bottle of fresh orange juice with bits in.

Women are dirty.

What's to say she wasn't just as disgusted as you and had to storm out the lift asap as it was in fact, in an unbelievable twist to the story, the person before her in the lift that commited the crime and has, possibly unwittingly, framed her perfectly?

Cracking thread by the way. Can't beat discussing Office toilet tactics - brilliant

 

[Munkfish]

Farting in a lift is just wrong on so many levels.

 

[NickBHAFC18]

Its been a long stressful day, but this is hilarious. This thread has made my day. Thank You.

 

[grummitts gloves]

Easy, I gotta say you do crack me up. Great read

 

[SeagullSongs]

Solid gold.
Up there with the Do you use the CIGAR CUTTER when having a DUMP? thread.

 

[seagull1981]

Being a veggie myself, I can confirm that there is a lot of truth in that.

Same, I could bottle my veggie farts and sell them to middle east terrorist's

 

[TWOCHOICEStom]

Pure poetry Easy!

There really isn't anything on this earth funnier than FARTS and POO.

In particular, the word DUMP.

 

[Goring Gull]

Having a dump at work is always filled with potential pitfalls. Our work bogs only have two traps which not only means you are virtually sitting on top of anyone in the next trap but there is always a steady flow of people wanting to use them. I for one if i've had a pretty smelly dump will always wait for any other occiupants of the toilet to disburse before leaving the trap but sods law there is always a malingerer taking forever haning around for some unknown reason. Then ther eis the "turd burglar" who even though the door to the trap is locked still tries the door............

 

[Brightonfan1983]

A VAST room you could park a medium sized Transit in. A metal bar screwed into the wall on the right for extra grip and traction if straining (mind the red emergency cord though). And a fold-down armrest on the left for the more relaxed, leisurely release.

 

[El Presidente]

I had an invite to our new £80 million office today, although its official opening date is a few months away thought I would christen the cistern.

Imagine my dismay when I got to the building, having baked one all morning, when I was asked to give a 30 minute presentation to a bunch of colleagues about the new AV equipment that has been installed.

I was hopping from foot to foot for the last dozen slides, and then after a somewhat strangled "Are there any questions" I bombed out of the room before anyone could raise a hand.

Further panic ensued when I realised that I didn't actually KNOW where the bogs were, and as the building is not yet complete, they have not yet put the toilet signs on the rooms. I was diving in and out of offices, stationery cupboards and God knows what until eventually I found a bog (not sure if it was male or female), sat down to unleash a logjam, which was now so old it had FUR growing on it. Felt suitably proud of myself, and then realised that because the building is not officially open there was no BOGROLL.

It was a suitably uncomfortable journey home, as there are a few winnits clinging on to my hairy Irish arse, and as soon as I got home I put my undercrackers straight into the washing machine on a BOIL wash, to remove the crocodile skiis that are lining my Calvin Kleins.

I am sure there is a moral to this tale, but not sure what it is.

 

[Triggaaar]

Excellent thread

 

[Paddy B]

There is one worrying aspect that I think
I have picked up from reading this thread. And that is the unspeakable horror of unisex toilets, are these common in modern offices?

 

[NMH]

Farting in a lift is just wrong on so many levels.

Quality

On this very subject, I was offered a lift from a party by a well-to-do and suited lass in her...roundabout later 40's, two weeks back.

On the journey, as we were chatting away freely, she let out a SBD. The smell of poo was obvious and there were only the two of us in the car.
To hide any embarrassment I made conversation as if nothing awry had occurred, and didn't wind down the window or go quiet. I suppose I could have said "pfwaaarrr, gorblimey missus!" but she was the one doing me a favour and saving me a walk and a bus ride.

I have to think she probably couldn't help it, otherwise the 'Dutch oven' isn't what you do in the car with a relative stranger!

 

[NMH]

An aside - but I was staying at a girlfriend's about a year ago for a few days, and at the end of my stay she revealed that she had not taken a dump in 3 days because of my being there....and she didn't want to make a pong in the (only) bathroom/shower.
I dread to think what the room was like after I'd left for the airport!

Also just as well I didn't consider....... ahem, I'll let you the reader imagine the rest.