Best Weapon for home self defence

[Meade's Ball]

I have a hypnotised cobra frozenly coiled in a nearby wicker basket. It's magic word to unfreeze and attack the nearest to him, Portcullis is his given name, is "beansprout", which i consider a slight mistake thanks to my vegetarianism and my once-a-month utterance of it. I suppose i duped him enough in that day of our stand/slither-off that it was always winter and hibernation was all he could do to stay alive, so inertia is his state of play. Outfoxing this serpent was surprisingly easy and now i sort of fire his poison, as if from a pistol, when i say beansprout and he eyes so quickly and hatefully those who aren't his master - who are usually student loans investigators or easily-buriable women i am trying my best to forget i may have bedded.

 

[Lady Whistledown]

I cannot believe for one second that crime in the UK has reached such epidemic proportions that people sleep with weapons in their houses as a matter of course. Another example of the power of the press, maybe?

Very much so.

 

[Seagull over Canaryland]

I'm sure a number of punters on here have been on the wrong end of crime that makes you want to robustly defend your prorperty.

Had a spate of burglaries locally a few years back that got attributed to a particular scumbag who was in league with some local druggies (I guess this is a common story). Several eyewitnesses identified the young man who being extremely distinctive in appearance and turns out was already well known to the Police. The cheeky scumbag even used to knock on peoples front doors offering to sell them back their stolen property! Bizarrely the Police didn't seem to act on this so several neighbours including myself said if he turned up again we would defend our properties using all reasonable force, we were warned by the Police in no uncertain terms 'do not use violence'. Understandably the neighbours started to get very anxious that matey seemed beyond the law. He was built like a brick outhouse and known to be violent and not easily intimidated so everyone collected all sorts of handy tools 'just in case', the favourite being a putter or 9-iron but a stumpy rounders bat seemed quite handy in confined spaces. One particularly pissed off neighbour said that if the scumbag ever tried to rob him again he would happily have the lad snatched off the street at the dead of night, blindfolded and driven to Beachy Head........bit extreme but gives some idea of how strongly normally passive punters feel when driven to distraction. I guess thats how punters like Tony Martin end up taking the law into their own hands.

When another particularly dodgy looking character was seen casing local properties a well meaning neighbour called the plod - but turns out said dodgy character was an undercover PC looking for somewhere to install a discrete video camera for surveillance. He he. Anyway pleased that the Police were finally doing something positive a camera was installed in our neighbours house for a few weeks. Ironically the numpty scumbag broke into said neighbours and got caught red handed walking out with the Police camera......although Plod even admitted it was a fluke as they just happened to be visiting to collect the video tapes.

Said scumbag eventually got convicted and sent down but even continued his crime spree for a period while on bail, much to the frustration of the locals. However he is now back on the streets and still up to his old tricks so most of the neighbours keep something handy just in case.

 

[Gangsta]

Used to know a Met copper who kept 2 samurai swords under his bed should the occasion arise.

Personally I favour the cricket bat, none of this baseball bat stuff - too american.

 

[piersa]

CS gas if anyone breaks in.

That is exactly what i was going to do, then realise i was actually fairly sh!t at golf and, well, legged it.

 

[Cheeky Monkey]

Personally I favour the cricket bat, none of this baseball bat stuff - too american.

Try telling that to The Bear Jew!

 

[Basil Fawlty]

A sawn off Shotgun would do the trick nicely.

 

[Cheeky Monkey]

The only thing that would be within my grasp if I heard an intruder in the night would probably be this:

Wallop. C major. right in the kisser.

"If you could see what I can see
When I'm pummeling intruders"

 

[Scarface]

My two black cats would be pretty useful. The burgler wouldn't see them coming and they get under my feet enough in the daytime so would trip up any burgler wandering around in the dark, hopefully rendering them unconscious for long enough for the old bill to arrive!

 

[mikeyjh]

Getting in to ruck could be a really bad idea - As an example, we were burgled a year or so back during the day, I came back from a bike ride mid avo to find police everywhere and the alarm blaring. Transpires (we had CCTV installed following an earlier attempt) that two of them came in armed with an axe. I cannot think of a possible good outcome from me trying to take them on, whatever I was armed with. Bad idea.

FWIW, car recovered and they're both enjoying live at her majesty's pleasure.

 

[The Antikythera Mechanism]

Two handed battle axe, providing I can wake her up.

 

[Doc Lynam]

Just scream at the top of your voice " we got one! We can do the scene from Pulp fiction, get the dildo Julian quick!" then just listen to the panic.

 

[happypig]

Personally I favour the cricket bat, none of this baseball bat stuff - too american.

Apparently Geoffrey Boycott had an intruder break into his house at midnight so he got his cricket bat; he first hit him around an hour later.

 

[Silent Bob]

I just have my house full of Home Alone style booby traps the whole time.

 

[Questions]

I was woken by an intruder who thankfully legged it when I shouted some naughty words at him. Since then I've kept a golf club handy just in case because, believe me, it does shake you up!

I`ve heard about your golf swing. You`d miss him.

 

[Lethargic]

After the previous few days of moaning this is the sort of thread that restores my faith in NSC some excellent advice.

 

[Ninja Elephant]

I live in a flat, and have the entire place wired for controlled demolition. If anyone breaks in and causes problems, I will simply demolish the place and that will solve all the problems. It's an idea I got 11 years ago from the Americans (Allegedly).

 

[Winker]

I've got an old WW1 bayonet in my wardrobe, 17 inches of Wilkinson's Sword steel. They don't like it up 'em Mr Mainwaring, they don't like it up 'em...

 

[Pretty pink fairy]

This is an interesting concept.

How many people on here have ever actually had to defend their home from an intruder?

how many drug pushers do you reckon

 

[Pretty pink fairy]

the tried and trusted.................................. Rampant Rabbit