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Best jokes from Edinburgh Festival
- Thread starter essbee
- Start date
Was not Was
Loitering with intent
- Jul 31, 2003
- 1,607
What do you get if you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
Postman Pat
Well-known member
The top 10 were:
Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."
Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."
Alfie Moore - "I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same."
Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."
Gary Delaney - "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell."
Phil Wang - "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men."
Marcus Brigstocke - "You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost."
Liam Williams - "The universe implodes. No matter."
Bobby Mair - "I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance."
Chris Coltrane - "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately."
Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."
Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."
Alfie Moore - "I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same."
Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."
Gary Delaney - "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell."
Phil Wang - "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men."
Marcus Brigstocke - "You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost."
Liam Williams - "The universe implodes. No matter."
Bobby Mair - "I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance."
Chris Coltrane - "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately."
mejonaNO12 aka riskit
Well-known member
Oh god. I've read this so many times and I still don't get it. Please someone explain it!
Barrel of Fun
Abort, retry, fail
Any woman could be his birth mother, so there is a risk that the lapdancer is her.
However, if the lapdancer were to be of an ethnic group of which he shows no signs of genetic features then it is unlikely that she is her. Unless she underwent IVF with an egg of a different ethnic group.
Colossal Squid
Returning video tapes
Your mum COULD be a lapdancer, if you've never met her
mejonaNO12 aka riskit
Well-known member
, oh, I now feel quite stupid....though surely he would just play it safe and pick the youngest lapdancer....
Ok. I'll stop now.
The funniest thing on that joke list is the guy named Phil Wang..
I thought it was more a play on the idea that all lap dancers have abandonment issues because of absent fathers, possibly that he means he has become a lapdancer because of the abandonment issue and doesn't enjoy giving them?
MattBackHome
Well-known member
- Jul 7, 2003
- 11,873
Yeah I thought that. Or that his abandonment issues are brought to the fore when experiencing a lapace as he's only too aware of the mirrored issues in that profession.
Anyway, I think it's all in the delivery.
Trufflehound
Re-enfranchised
I doubt it. I think his mum would have decided to put him up for adoption long before the delivery. Probably quite early in the pregnancy.
- Jan 3, 2012
- 17,355
though surely he would just play it safe and pick the youngest lapdancer....
Ok. I'll stop now.
If a joke needs explaining, it is not funny. Don't worry about it. I didn't laugh at it when I read them, thought I understood it, and have had that understanding confirmed by other comments. So I understood it and didn't think it was funny anyway.
nail-Z
Well-known member
There are much funnier jokes in the comments on that article.
Gary Delaney - "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell."
Just doesn't quite work.
There's definitely a one-liner there, it's almost as if he has the words in the wrong order.
Just doesn't quite work.
There's definitely a one-liner there, it's almost as if he has the words in the wrong order.
nail-Z
Well-known member
My dog Minton ate a shuttlecock......... Bad Minton.
Tricky Dicky
New member
Why is it that when I read those, in my head I hear them all being told by Tim Vine.
tinycowboy
Well-known member
For me, Tim Vine is the master of this type of joke. Here are a few:
So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"
I was looking for the directions for Radio 1 in London, and a guy pointed me in the direction of the building. I said: “That’s not a building, thats a cloud!” He said: “Down a bit…”
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
I could go on, but I'll stop there....
So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"
I was looking for the directions for Radio 1 in London, and a guy pointed me in the direction of the building. I said: “That’s not a building, thats a cloud!” He said: “Down a bit…”
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
I could go on, but I'll stop there....
Tricky Dicky
New member
Trouble is, he goes for quantity not quality. Yes, some are funny, but many are just cringe-worthy, but he moves on very quickly.