Best Ever Comedy lines.

[Willy Dangle]

Following on from the best sit com thread i thought this deserved it's own.

Porridge:

Mackay: Any questions?
Fletch: Any point?
Mackay: None whatsoever.

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Doctor: Suffer from any illness?
Fletch: Bad feet.
Doctor: (annoyed) Suffer from any illness?
Fletch: (insistantly) Bad feet!
Doctor: Paid a recent visit to a doctor or hospital?
Fletch: Only with my bad feet.
Doctor: Are you now or have you at any time been a practicing homosexual?
Fletch: What, with these feet?

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Doctor: Now I want you to fill one of those containers for me.
Fletch: What, from 'ere?

 

[Everest]

German: Will you please stop talking about the war?!
Basil: Me? You started it.
German: We did not!
Basil: Yes, you did, you invaded Poland

 

[Easy 10]

Gareth: All farmers have wives.
Tim: This one doesn't, he's gay.
Gareth: Well, then, he shouldn't be allowed near animals, should he?

David: Under "Strengths"... you've just put "accounts."
Keith: Yeah.
David: That's your job though, that's, that's just—
Keith: —Mmm. [nods]
David: No, Keith. What. I was sort of looking for your skills within your job. So is there anything else you could have put there?
Keith: [shrugs]
David: Nope. Okay. Umm... Under "Weaknesses" you've put....eczema.

Simon: You know Bruce Lee's not really dead, don't you? Yeah, it's in a book. What he did was he faked his own death so that he could work undercover for the Hong Kong police, inflitrating drugs gangs and the Triads.
Gareth: Yeah, I reckon that's true.
Tim: Yeah, I reckon that's true. Because if you were gonna send someone undercover to investigate the Triads, you'd probably want the world's most famous Chinese film star.

Gareth: I did learn a lot from David. I learnt from his mistakes. We're very different people; he used humour where I use discipline. And I learnt that nobody respects him. And in a war situation, if you want your platoon to go over the top with you to certain death, it's no good saying to them "Please come with me lads, I'll tell you a joke." It's a direct order "Come with me." And they'll go "Yes, he's got good leadership skills, let's all go with him to our certain death".

Gareth: Right, her details. Her marital status: single, divorced—
David: Not divorced. Nah, husband might still be around, might be a nutter. I'm not getting into all that.
Gareth: Widowed?
David: I'd bloody love her to be widowed.

 

[Trigger]

Del: "Blimey, look at this lot in here. We've got more colours in here than jelly babies!"

 

[Willy Dangle]

Uncle Albert: One day it was so cold the flame on my lighter froze.

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Uncle Albert: A good friend of mine died from a sexually transmitted disease.
Del Boy: Oh Yeah
Uncle Albert: Yeah, his girlfriends husband shot him.

 

[Dick Knights Mumm]

Hancock (Blood Donor): It may be just a smear to you, mate, but it's life and death to some poor wretch!

Hancock (Twelve Angry Men) : Does Magna Carta mean nothing to you? Did she die in vain?

In fact most Tony Hancock lines. The Lad Himself.

Good thread.

 

[deletebeepbeepbeep]

Withnail: Right, you ****er, I'm going to do the washing up!

Marwood: No, no, you can't. It's impossible, I swear it. I've looked into it. Listen to me, listen to me! There are things in there, there's a tea-bag growing! You haven't slept in sixty hours, you're in no state to tackle it. Wait till the morning, we'll go in together.

 

[father_and_son]

From each of the shows mentioned so far...


Fawlty Towers:
Didn't God give you eyes?
Yes, but I don't use them, it wears the batteries out.

BlackAdder:
That it be!
'Yes it is', not 'That it be'. I'm not a bloody tourist!

Porridge:
What are you in for?
I got caught.

The Office:
Assistant "TO THE" Manager

 

[Easy 10]

"That was sweating lunatic Iggy Pop"

"I know lying is wrong, but if the elephant man came in now in a blouse with some make up on, and said "how do I look?" Would you say, bearing in mind he's depressed and has respiratory problems, would you say "go and take that blusher off you mis-shapened elephant tranny" ? No. You'd say "You look nice....John""

‘I just want to be able to say “I'm Alan Partridge. Join me tonight when my guests will be, I don't know, Chris Rea”. Actually, he lives in the area. I could have had him over. “Alright Chris!”, “Hello Alan I didn't know you'd moved in”, “Yeah, just moved in, last week. I'm having a barbecue, fancy coming over?”, “I'd love to! Do you mind if I bring my guitar?”, “I'd rather you didn't, it's not that kind of area. Do you like Mini Kiev's?”, “I love them! But my wife's vegetarian”, “Doesn't matter. She can have fish”, “No she won't eat that either”, “Oh forget it!. You people”.

 

[Taybha]

Splitter!

 

[Raleigh Chopper]

I vont Plaice
And I dont want any soggy English chips, I vont mine crisp unt light brown.

 

[otk]

In the first (ever) series of The Bill, which were one hour episodes and featured the ginge DS who used to play for Palarse until an injury cut his career short (in real life), they would always put in a double entendre that it was sport to look out for...

In one episode, a female detective was accused of telling a reporter something about a fellow detective, with him giving her some grief about this...

She then looks him straight in the eye and asks, 'Can you imagine anything private of your's passing my lips?..'

He looked satisfied with this, and trots off

 

[Frutos]

I am serious, and don't call me Shirley.

 

[Icy Gull]

Bimmler: Pleased to meet you, squire. I also am not of Minehead being born but I in your Peterborough Lincolnshire was given birth to. But am staying in Peterborough Lincolnshire house all time during vor, due to jolly old running sores, and vos unable to go in the streets or to go visit football matches or go to Nuremburg. Ha ha. Am retired vindow cleaner and pacifist, without doing war crimes. Oh...and am glad England vin Vorld Cup. Bobby Charlton. Martin Peters. And eating I am lots of chips and fish and hole in the toads and Dundee cakes on Piccadilly Line, don't you know old chap, vot! And I vos head of Gestapo for ten years. (Hilter elbows him in the ribs) Ah! Five years! (Hilter elbows him again, harder) Nein! No! Oh. NOT head of Gestapo AT ALL! I was not, I make joke! (laughs)

 

[The Lemming Stomper]

Doctor:"Nurse, check his penis-- is it longer than mine?"

 

[Leekbrookgull]

Will Hay and Co in Oh Mr Porter. Go to 7mins 35 secs. Do you think i ought to go to the end ? (Hay) reply Yeah but don't go past the end !!http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mFKLN4EpEdQ

 

[pasty]

Nah, 'andles for forks

 

[Cheeky Monkey]

The comment by Jeremy Vile underneath this article - comment dated 01/05/2013 at 20:01hrs. Genius.
Ageing musician Dave Clark looks unrecognisable with his rapidly changing face | Mail Online

 

[Freddie Goodwin.]

"Don't tell him your name, Pike!"

 

[Cheeky Monkey]

A couple of my own:

I used to fill up my water bed with Earl Grey Tea until somebody pointed out that life isn't a bed of rosie.

In the cinema watching Lord of the Rings I accidentally spilt my popcorn over the bloke seated in front - it was an Orcward moment to say the least!