Bell Cheeses at work

[Arthritic Toe]

A few years ago I started work on a contract in Brussels on a large EU project. On my first day, one of the Belgian guys in the team was getting very agitated with the team leader, who was American, and fluent in several languages. The argument was slowly building and getting more animated. Unfortunately, I had no idea what it was about as it was conducted in Flemish. Anyway, it continued to build for a full hour and finally the Belgian guy stood up, screamed Flemish expletives at the boss and stormed out of the office, not to be seen again until the following week. I was quite shocked at all of this and wondered how he could possibly be that rude to the boss and get away with it. It was generally acknowledged that the guy had ‘anger management issues’ and was undergoing some sort of therapy for it.

As I continued to work on the project I did get to know the boss pretty well and he really did become quite annoying when he got stressed – he would seek to blame his team members for his own failings and not listen when you explained why you had done something a particular way – usually because that was the way he had asked for it to be done.

Over the next couple of years the project neared completion and the team was whittled down from the original 6, until, for the final 3 months it was just me and him. One day, the boss was down at the Luxembourg office and he called me up on my Brussels office phone in one of his agitated states. It was a large open plan office, and I could tell people were stopping what they were doing and enjoying listening to my side of the growing argument. I am well known to be the calmest of calm people and they were all enjoying listening to me starting to lose it (of course, they all understood English). They also knew my boss well and in general, disliked him intensely. Anyway, it was a two hour phone call that ended with me screaming down the phone “You know what Tom? Just f*ck off. I slammed the phone down and stormed out of the office for a cigarette. When I came back into the office 10 minutes later, I was greeted by a standing ovation, round of applause – cheering. It was quite funny. I said – oh my god, I have turned into Jergen (the original angry guy).

Oddly enough, the boss didn’t take it any further and in fact apologised to me the following day – we got on fine for the remainder of the project. Jergen and I were good drinking buddies and remain in touch. Names changed to protect the innocent.

 

[FamilyGuy]

I had my own personal battle with 'going forward' not too long ago. It's a phrase I loathe above almost all others yet I still found myself using it. Horrifying.

More a question of grammar I know, but I am waging a personal campaign to stop people using the word "regularly" when they actually mean "frequently" - as in "Rooney regularly scores goals from outside 20 yards". No he doesn't!!

 

[Moshe Gariani]

More a question of grammar I know, but I am waging a personal campaign to stop people using the word "regularly" when they actually mean "frequently" - as in "Rooney regularly scores goals from outside 20 yards". No he doesn't!!

That is a VERY important campaign. Best of luck with it.

 

[dazzer6666]

Pretty sure a trawl back through this thread would tick off all of these................

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/57Ws2y2B2y1CrCQmCy33ftY/67-curses-of-the-open-plan-office

 

[Titanic]

That is great dazzer.... deserves a cut and paste...

1) The lingering aroma of recently microwaved prawns.
2) Trying to be both positive and openly sarcastic as you write in the birthday card of someone you hate.
3) The person you pass on the way to the toilet who is ALWAYS playing solitaire.
4) How, for a brief moment, forgetting your security pass feels like the greatest personal calamity ever suffered by a human being.
5) The teeth-clenching evangelism of a new cyclist.
6) Getting dragged into someone else’s thermostat war.
7) Knowing, just knowing, that a colleague’s endless sniffling is laying the groundwork for a future sickie.
8) Being so hungover that you’re not really sure you’re there at all.
9) Accidentally placing kisses at the end of an email and considering Tuvaluan self-exile.
10) Seeing someone sobbing at their desk and there is no way you’re going to find out why.
11) The horror of realising you’re on the fifth deferment for seeing a workmate’s band and next time you will just have to go.
12) Wondering why the person next to you is googling ‘dangers of windsurfing’.
13) Witnessing an actual mid-life crisis unfold as your manager enters on a razor scooter.
14) Being convinced that someone across the room is loudly organising some kind of assassination over the phone.
15) Deliberately ignoring someone’s new haircut until they reply to your meeting request.
16) A colleague bringing their dog into work and their unnerving relationship they have with that dog.
17) How the simple act of forgetting to bring a charger can prove conclusively that there is no God.
18) The fact that tinsel is supposed to be cheering and yet is somehow is the most depressing substance on Earth.
19) Wondering why they insist on flip-flops with feet like that.
20) The equation that states: ‘If he’s allowed to go off and smoke then I’m allowed to watch four episodes of Project Runway in lieu’.
21) The unfettered tyranny of secret santa.
22) “Oh! You’re doing another sponsored fun run? You’re VERY keen on those aren’t you?”
23) Considering possible police action when someone takes that spoon you always use.
24) Knowing that, deep down, your office crush is fuelled entirely by boredom.
25) The unbelievable amount of water that person consumes on a daily basis.
26) Mathematically working out that 38 minutes is the shortest allowable amount of time you can spend at the Christmas party.
27) Going to the toilet as a ‘treat’.
28) The mystery person from two desks over and four desks down who has been there since 1984 and no one knows who they are or what they do.
29) How someone else’s laughter is the worst sound in history.
30) Walking in, knowing ‘something’ has happened and not knowing what.
31) The ‘my commute is worse than your commute’ arms race escalation.
32) Being sent a comical gif that you definitely first saw during the Tony Blair administration.
33) “Oh great. They bought a boat.”
34) How a single, ill-judged tank-top led to the dissolving of Casual Friday.
35) The helpless emotion suffered when the ‘friendly’ security guard suddenly acts with indifference towards you.
36) “Why are you emailing me? You sit THERE?”
37) The possibility of leaving an anonymous desk note if you see them heading to the toilet in their socks again.
38) That ‘joke’ you made in the meeting that made Sonia cry.
39) A complete stranger standing next to your desk and saying the word ‘yeah’ into a cell phone for about an hour.
40) Judging someone’s entire existence based on their choice of salad.
41) Googling ‘teacher’s starting salary’ and then getting depressed.
42) Knowing beyond doubt which particular desk is attracting the vermin and being aghast that they refuse to act.
43) That bloke with a family picture on his desktop that is definitely not his family.
44) How calling the IT helpdesk is more painful and challenging than natural childbirth.
45) I don’t care how many wristbands you’re wearing, I’m not asking you about that festival.
46) How the fact that you’re ‘not technically part of this team’ means you can opt out of tea rounds and how you’re willing to prove it in the International Court of Human Rights if necessary.
47) The worst seven words in the English language are ‘Can you just show him the basics?’.
48) Buying a lottery ticket online after a particularly fraught email exchange.
49) Failing to recognise a colleague on the street as they’re not wearing their headphones.
50) Inexplicable ringtones.
51) The inadvertent snort-laugh that occurs when a particular person walks in with an unexpected yoga mat.
52) How the phrase ‘end of play’ reinforces the total pointlessness of your existence.
53) The person who you know makes the same amount of money as you and yet gets endless, exciting looking Amazon deliveries at work.
54) The inevitable festering birthday cakes that start to line up on filing cabinets because everyone is 'too polite' to finish them.
55) Just for a split second, considering some light identity theft as a colleague slowly reads out their credit card details.
56) Mentally criticising the way someone breathes.
57) Having your excuses all lined up just in case you’re caught using the disabled toilet.
58) Believing that particular lift has a personal grudge against you.
59) Staring at a tree out of the window and wondering if you could successfully climb it.
60) Watching someone change their shirt at their desk as if you’re viewing invasive hip surgery.
61) “There’s that smell again.”
62) How you’re thinking of having the words ‘Why are you telling me this?’ tattooed on your forehead to save time.
63) How witnessing the way someone eats an egg and cress bap questions every belief you’ve ever held.
64) Praying for that final person to leave the office so you can print out the first three chapters of that erotic mystery you’ve been working on.
65) “I can’t believe it’s [insert completely believable time] already!”
66) That one bloke who always stares at you.
67) Changing your password to something libellous about your line manager.

 

[Deportivo Seagull]

We have palace fan at work whilst unfortunate doesn't necessarily make him a bellcheese, however he will only wear his palace tie the workday after they have won.

 

[Norman Potting]

That is epic, normally one would put "thread closed" but as it approaching NSC immortality status I think not.

 

[spring hall convert]

62 & 65. I actually think I might be a misanthrope.

Sent from my GT-I9505 using Tapatalk

 

[Guinness Boy]

Our Sales Director has picked up the phrase "on the front foot" and now uses it with annoying regularity, particularly if you disagree with his absolutely insane project deadlines. "We're not showing them we're on the front foot" he said to me in a recent conference call. I've just seen an email where it was used three times.

Aargh.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[Worthingite]

That is great dazzer.... deserves a cut and paste...

1) The lingering aroma of recently microwaved prawns.
2) Trying to be both positive and openly sarcastic as you write in the birthday card of someone you hate.
3) The person you pass on the way to the toilet who is ALWAYS playing solitaire.
4) How, for a brief moment, forgetting your security pass feels like the greatest personal calamity ever suffered by a human being.
5) The teeth-clenching evangelism of a new cyclist.
6) Getting dragged into someone else’s thermostat war.
7) Knowing, just knowing, that a colleague’s endless sniffling is laying the groundwork for a future sickie.
8) Being so hungover that you’re not really sure you’re there at all.
9) Accidentally placing kisses at the end of an email and considering Tuvaluan self-exile.
10) Seeing someone sobbing at their desk and there is no way you’re going to find out why.
11) The horror of realising you’re on the fifth deferment for seeing a workmate’s band and next time you will just have to go.
12) Wondering why the person next to you is googling ‘dangers of windsurfing’.
13) Witnessing an actual mid-life crisis unfold as your manager enters on a razor scooter.
14) Being convinced that someone across the room is loudly organising some kind of assassination over the phone.
15) Deliberately ignoring someone’s new haircut until they reply to your meeting request.
16) A colleague bringing their dog into work and their unnerving relationship they have with that dog.
17) How the simple act of forgetting to bring a charger can prove conclusively that there is no God.
18) The fact that tinsel is supposed to be cheering and yet is somehow is the most depressing substance on Earth.
19) Wondering why they insist on flip-flops with feet like that.
20) The equation that states: ‘If he’s allowed to go off and smoke then I’m allowed to watch four episodes of Project Runway in lieu’.
21) The unfettered tyranny of secret santa.
22) “Oh! You’re doing another sponsored fun run? You’re VERY keen on those aren’t you?”
23) Considering possible police action when someone takes that spoon you always use.
24) Knowing that, deep down, your office crush is fuelled entirely by boredom.
25) The unbelievable amount of water that person consumes on a daily basis.
26) Mathematically working out that 38 minutes is the shortest allowable amount of time you can spend at the Christmas party.
27) Going to the toilet as a ‘treat’.
28) The mystery person from two desks over and four desks down who has been there since 1984 and no one knows who they are or what they do.
29) How someone else’s laughter is the worst sound in history.
30) Walking in, knowing ‘something’ has happened and not knowing what.
31) The ‘my commute is worse than your commute’ arms race escalation.
32) Being sent a comical gif that you definitely first saw during the Tony Blair administration.
33) “Oh great. They bought a boat.”
34) How a single, ill-judged tank-top led to the dissolving of Casual Friday.
35) The helpless emotion suffered when the ‘friendly’ security guard suddenly acts with indifference towards you.
36) “Why are you emailing me? You sit THERE?”
37) The possibility of leaving an anonymous desk note if you see them heading to the toilet in their socks again.
38) That ‘joke’ you made in the meeting that made Sonia cry.
39) A complete stranger standing next to your desk and saying the word ‘yeah’ into a cell phone for about an hour.
40) Judging someone’s entire existence based on their choice of salad.
41) Googling ‘teacher’s starting salary’ and then getting depressed.
42) Knowing beyond doubt which particular desk is attracting the vermin and being aghast that they refuse to act.
43) That bloke with a family picture on his desktop that is definitely not his family.
44) How calling the IT helpdesk is more painful and challenging than natural childbirth.
45) I don’t care how many wristbands you’re wearing, I’m not asking you about that festival.
46) How the fact that you’re ‘not technically part of this team’ means you can opt out of tea rounds and how you’re willing to prove it in the International Court of Human Rights if necessary.
47) The worst seven words in the English language are ‘Can you just show him the basics?’.
48) Buying a lottery ticket online after a particularly fraught email exchange.
49) Failing to recognise a colleague on the street as they’re not wearing their headphones.
50) Inexplicable ringtones.
51) The inadvertent snort-laugh that occurs when a particular person walks in with an unexpected yoga mat.
52) How the phrase ‘end of play’ reinforces the total pointlessness of your existence.
53) The person who you know makes the same amount of money as you and yet gets endless, exciting looking Amazon deliveries at work.
54) The inevitable festering birthday cakes that start to line up on filing cabinets because everyone is 'too polite' to finish them.
55) Just for a split second, considering some light identity theft as a colleague slowly reads out their credit card details.
56) Mentally criticising the way someone breathes.
57) Having your excuses all lined up just in case you’re caught using the disabled toilet.
58) Believing that particular lift has a personal grudge against you.
59) Staring at a tree out of the window and wondering if you could successfully climb it.
60) Watching someone change their shirt at their desk as if you’re viewing invasive hip surgery.
61) “There’s that smell again.”
62) How you’re thinking of having the words ‘Why are you telling me this?’ tattooed on your forehead to save time.
63) How witnessing the way someone eats an egg and cress bap questions every belief you’ve ever held.
64) Praying for that final person to leave the office so you can print out the first three chapters of that erotic mystery you’ve been working on.
65) “I can’t believe it’s [insert completely believable time] already!”
66) That one bloke who always stares at you.
67) Changing your password to something libellous about your line manager.

Guilty of this, in a way, today. However, it's actually the reverse - I'm sat here dying on my arse at work, as I had most of last week off with D&V. I'd look like a total p**s taker if I took more time off, but people are visibly steering well clear of me today. Which in actual fact is a great thing.

 

[Postman Pat]

64) Praying for that final person to leave the office so you can print out the first three chapters of that erotic mystery you’ve been working on.

Not quite this, but breaking Usain Bolt's record for the 100m to get to the printer when printing something personal like Albion match tickets etc.. because you know the office dick will be printing at the same time and make sure that everyone knows you are using work stuff for personal use.

 

[TheJasperCo]

First day of my PhD today, and the bureaucratic bullshit and administrative ********ry defy belief. As many people on this thread will be familiar with, there are H&S inductions and fire safety training and equality/sustainability talks and risk assessment management courses. PLUS, before I set foot into the lab, I have to go through additional SOP training and supervised assessments and COSHH courses that I've done plenty of times before.

I want to introduce you to one example of the kind of paperwork I have to fill in before starting - I shit you not. Whoever came up with this form needs to be thrown into the deepest lake in outer Mongolia for his (her) sins. No doubt countless committee meetings were required beforehand to sign off on this.

Hey-ho, at least I'm getting paid for completing it.

DSE = "Digital Screen Equipment"

 

[Gullflyinghigh]

Oh god DSE Assessments, otherwise known as the 'we don't really care but this way anyone that wants to sue us can't' forms.

Have to do an interactive one every 6 months (or after every seat move) in my office...lunacy.

 

[Spicy]

First day of my PhD today, and the bureaucratic bullshit and administrative ********ry defy belief. As many people on this thread will be familiar with, there are H&S inductions and fire safety training and equality/sustainability talks and risk assessment management courses. PLUS, before I set foot into the lab, I have to go through additional SOP training and supervised assessments and COSHH courses that I've done plenty of times before.

I want to introduce you to one example of the kind of paperwork I have to fill in before starting - I shit you not. Whoever came up with this form needs to be thrown into the deepest lake in outer Mongolia for his (her) sins. No doubt countless committee meetings were required beforehand to sign off on this.

Hey-ho, at least I'm getting paid for completing it.

DSE = "Digital Screen Equipment"

View attachment 78040
View attachment 78041

You are lucky to even get a desk and chair where I work!

 

[BBassic]

*email comes in*
*IM message comes in immediately after*
"Have you read my email yet?"

No. No I have not. Ugh. People.

 

[Brian Fantana]

*email comes in*
*IM message comes in immediately after*
"Have you read my email yet?"

No. No I have not. Ugh. People.

Answering 'yes', and nothing else, tends to give them the hint in my experience.

 

[Napper]

*email comes in*
*IM message comes in immediately after*
"Have you read my email yet?"

No. No I have not. Ugh. People.

Usually its these people that dial your extension and upon answering it they ask you ......

"hello is that <insert name>



aaahhhh you frickin dialled it you simpleton , are your fingers that fat you cant press the buttons correctly ?

 

[SouthCoastOwl]

45) I don’t care how many wristbands you’re wearing, I’m not asking you about that festival.

 

[Tom Hark Preston Park]

*email comes in*
*IM message comes in immediately after*
"Have you read my email yet?"

No. No I have not. Ugh. People.

It's the 'bcc:', the blind copy, that always got me. Bad enough using that setting that confirms back to you when each person you sent your email to has read it. Like it was going to be used in evidence against them if they dared to claim at some indeterminate point in the future that they hadn't read your mail. But use of the 'bcc' must be reserved for the sneakiest snakes in an organisation shirley?.

 

[BBassic]

Usually its these people that dial your extension and upon answering it they ask you ......

"hello is that <insert name>



aaahhhh you frickin dialled it you simpleton , are your fingers that fat you cant press the buttons correctly ?