Bell Cheeses at work

[Gullflyinghigh]

Had to sit through a presentation from two teenagers from the Innovation Team today. Blood was already boiling at their self-congratulation for being able to "think differently" by "putting the customer first", when they suddenly upped the bell cheese anti with talk of running an "idea-ation" at which multi-disciplinary teams can meet to "idea-ate" leading up to a "hackathon"...
WTF are you talking about you gibbering buffoons? Idea-ters the lot of them....

Innovation teams are the worst (though marketing tend to come close) for self-congratulatory backslapping and impenetrable business speak.

We've had numerous attempts throughout the years to bring in 'innovation', with the most recent resulting in highly-paid graduates (no resentment, you know the types I mean) e-mailing the entire business asking for ideas because...well...they had none.

Painful.

 

[Shuggie]

I can't explain right now but this thread is somewhat therapeutic.

As is this juvenile smiley orgy.



He's called Julian and has a beard.

 

[Notters]

Here's one for you. Which is the greater bell cheese?

The person who comes in EVERY day and is never off sick, even when they have the plague, and therefore gives this to everyone else in the office. Or the person who is off with every little sniffle.

I'm definitely in between these two extremes, and feel guilty either way!

One of my closest (in terms of the geography of the office) managed to come down with a terrible hacking cough the week before the Christmas break both last year and the year before. Spent all day complaining about how ill they felt whilst coughing all over me, and you guessed it, I was sick for the whole of the Christmas period both times.

 

[coagulantwolf]

There's a new guy who feels the need to pat me or tap me. There's no need to touch me.

 

[Tom Hark Preston Park]

Here's one for you. Which is the greater bell cheese?

The person who comes in EVERY day and is never off sick, even when they have the plague, and therefore gives this to everyone else in the office. Or the person who is off with every little sniffle.

The latter. Especially when they do the hilarious phoning-in-sick voice that suggests they may actually EXPIRE before they manage to make it through to the end of the call.

 

[spring hall convert]

Innovation teams are the worst (though marketing tend to come close) for self-congratulatory backslapping and impenetrable business speak.

We've had numerous attempts throughout the years to bring in 'innovation', with the most recent resulting in highly-paid graduates (no resentment, you know the types I mean) e-mailing the entire business asking for ideas because...well...they had none.

Painful.

I raise you Staff satisfaction or as they have more laterly become known as Employee Engagement teams. In all the businesses I've ever worked for, they pass off the same shit as groundbreaking (employee magazine, getting everyone pissed, 'recognition' lunch with the boss, repeat.)

Vacuous, pointless, bullshit.

 

[The Clamp]

The latter. Especially when they do the hilarious phoning-in-sick voice that suggests they may actually EXPIRE before they manage to make it through to the end of the call.

The poor person receiving the call has to say "No, you really don't sound well", when we know the caller is lying through their teeth.

 

[Gullflyinghigh]

I raise you Staff satisfaction or as they have more laterly become known as Employee Engagement teams. In all the businesses I've ever worked for, they pass off the same shit as groundbreaking (employee magazine, getting everyone pissed, 'recognition' lunch with the boss, repeat.)

Vacuous, pointless, bullshit.

Ooh forgot about them!

That said, the engagment teams (at least where I work) seem to be fully aware that they've got fairly cushy jobs and don't really take it too seriously.

The same cannot be said of the Innovation goons, who will take every opportunity to explain how vital they, and their innovations, are to the future of the company...assuming that one day they actually deliver something...

 

[Redundant Gigolo]

Innovation teams are the worst (though marketing tend to come close) for self-congratulatory backslapping and impenetrable business speak.

We've had numerous attempts throughout the years to bring in 'innovation', with the most recent resulting in highly-paid graduates (no resentment, you know the types I mean) e-mailing the entire business asking for ideas because...well...they had none.

Painful.

Sub-human scum. The lot of them.

I've had many arguments as a VP Sales with them. They invite utter shite and then remonstrate when no customer wants it.

It's quite simple. You make it - you go sell it and take the quota accountability.

They go very quiet. Is happily take the whole lot of them and push them off the top of the shard.

Sub-human scum.

Innovation my arse.

 

[Tom Hark Preston Park]

Sub-human scum. The lot of them.

Can we put you down as a 'Maybe' for the Anger Management Workshop?

 

[Postman Pat]

'recognition' lunch with the boss.

Those are the worst things in the entire world, 2/3 of the staff don't want to be there as they just want to get on with their actual work and have nothing in common with the boss, who also would rather be anywhere else than talking to the plebs they know nothing about.

The worst people on these things though are the remaining 1/3 of people who try and suck up to the boss and fawn all over them like they have known them for years as they once smiled at them in the corridor as they thought they were someone else.......GAH!!!!

 

[Norman Potting]

I can't remember a lot of it but we had to introduce ourselves to each other despite the fact we'd worked together for several years. Then we had to come up with answers to questions like "Who do you see as a role model ?" A couple of people said their dads, others said Captain Kirk, Tarzan & Ron Jeremy. I said I didn't have a role model because I am unique.
Another thing they came up with was "you have the power to change any part of the job for the better". So we said "can we change XYZ ?" and the tier 2 said "no, that has to stay the same". Rinse and repeat.
Eventually it turns out things we can change is stuff like using our own mice/keyboards and swapping desks (we hot-desked anyway).
It was a complete and utter waste of time.

If I get time (and there's demand) I will tell of the most recent complete fiasco.

That's a "yes please" from me. I am another fanboy of this thread.

 

[Whitechapel]

Seeming as we're on the subject of overtime;

At my work you can pick up as much overtime as you want as long as there's enough work to go around. For the first 5 hours of overtime you are paid your normal rate, after that you are paid time and a half. On Monday we were told there would be an OT Saturday shift (everyone works Mon-Fri). Needing the cash I thought this was a perfect chance to earn a bit extra. I work the late shift at work so the plan was to come in 3 hours early every day from Tuesday onwards and then work the early shift on Saturday for six hours. 18 hours overtime, 13 at time and a half would do my finances a world of good.

Despite being promised there would be overtime, I have now been told there will be no overtime on Saturday. Already done the hours at normal pay but half of my extra pay hours have been taken away ffs. C*nts

Make plans for the Brentford game as I don't have a shift now.

The shifts back on.

There's a new guy who feels the need to pat me or tap me. There's no need to touch me.

I have a guy who tries to touch my hips every time he walks past me. He's married and I'm hardly a looker so I put it down to the fact he is staggeringly stupid. Honestly the dumbest person I've ever met. I'll post a few of his gems when I get a chance.

 

[happypig]

That's a "yes please" from me. I am another fanboy of this thread.

Work nonsense
It was billed as something about “listening to customers”.
It was two events and attendance was mandatory (meaning “it’s shit but you’re going”).
The first session we had a woman going on about listening to what customers actually mean when they say something. Now I aint blowing my own trumpet but I’ve been in customer facing roles for 32+ years dealing with faults on various services from telephony to data; quite often the customer doesn’t use the same terminology so we ask questions to clarify what they mean.
This woman has us do things like “write down your favourite dog”. Now in those 32 years I’ve been to peoples houses and met their dogs but I don’t really have a favourite. I said ShiTzu for no other reason than it sounds rude.
Then we had to sit back to back, one of us was given a picture and had to describe it to the other one who drew it. I’m hard of hearing so just kept shouting “WHAT ?” and “PARDON”.

Anyway, that wasn’t so bad. The next day was run by a Brassy Northern Woman (BNW)
and was about how to deal with people on the phone.
We (I say “we” but some of us didn’t bother) had to go through some vocal warm exercises up to get us ready for using the phone.
Around this time someone told her he wasn’t having any of it and sat back with arms folded.
She kept coming out with all that stuff like smiling when you talk to a customer on the phone will mean you’re nicer to them and they will have a better experience.
Anyways, there were all 6 of us from my rota team at the time (we always worked together on all shifts so we were pretty close) and we’ve always been keen to mock suck fools; unfortunately it got a bit out of hand (Dave told his story about messing his bedsheets and there was another story about a used condom on a conservatory roof) and at lunchtime BNW goes and tells our boss that we aren’t behaving very well and aren’t engaging as much as she’d like.
The boss, a very pragmatic man, told her that if she tries to treat grown ups like children she’s only herself to blame.
BNW then goes to see the director who had engaged her to tell him it’s not going swimmingly. He tells her to ask us to leave the session.
BNW comes back after lunch, tells the 6 of us we are disruptive, would we please leave and that we will be getting disciplined. We weren’t.
Last anyone saw of BNW she appeared to be crying in her car.

 

[Badger]

I've been in the office for 20 minutes and already got DOUBLE bell-cheese:

- The guy a few desks away decided he'd watch the Apple presentation from yesterday. That's fine, but use some f***ing headphones.
- The guy right behind me. I'm not sure if he's noticed that the touch sounds are still on on his phone. I certainly have.

 

[Easy 10]

Work nonsense
It was billed as something about “listening to customers”.
It was two events and attendance was mandatory (meaning “it’s shit but you’re going”).
The first session we had a woman going on about listening to what customers actually mean when they say something. Now I aint blowing my own trumpet but I’ve been in customer facing roles for 32+ years dealing with faults on various services from telephony to data; quite often the customer doesn’t use the same terminology so we ask questions to clarify what they mean.
This woman has us do things like “write down your favourite dog”. Now in those 32 years I’ve been to peoples houses and met their dogs but I don’t really have a favourite. I said ShiTzu for no other reason than it sounds rude.
Then we had to sit back to back, one of us was given a picture and had to describe it to the other one who drew it. I’m hard of hearing so just kept shouting “WHAT ?” and “PARDON”.

Anyway, that wasn’t so bad. The next day was run by a Brassy Northern Woman (BNW)
and was about how to deal with people on the phone.
We (I say “we” but some of us didn’t bother) had to go through some vocal warm exercises up to get us ready for using the phone.
Around this time someone told her he wasn’t having any of it and sat back with arms folded.
She kept coming out with all that stuff like smiling when you talk to a customer on the phone will mean you’re nicer to them and they will have a better experience.
Anyways, there were all 6 of us from my rota team at the time (we always worked together on all shifts so we were pretty close) and we’ve always been keen to mock suck fools; unfortunately it got a bit out of hand (Dave told his story about messing his bedsheets and there was another story about a used condom on a conservatory roof) and at lunchtime BNW goes and tells our boss that we aren’t behaving very well and aren’t engaging as much as she’d like.
The boss, a very pragmatic man, told her that if she tries to treat grown ups like children she’s only herself to blame.
BNW then goes to see the director who had engaged her to tell him it’s not going swimmingly. He tells her to ask us to leave the session.
BNW comes back after lunch, tells the 6 of us we are disruptive, would we please leave and that we will be getting disciplined. We weren’t.
Last anyone saw of BNW she appeared to be crying in her car.

Bravo. One of the PREMIUM posts on this thread, absolute textbook bellcheesery. I take my hat off to The Disruptive 6

 

[Danny-Boy]

Make plans for the Brentford game as I don't have a shift now.

The shifts back on.



I have a guy who tries to touch my hips every time he walks past me. He's married and I'm hardly a looker so I put it down to the fact he is staggeringly stupid. Honestly the dumbest person I've ever met. I'll post a few of his gems when I get a chance.

Isn't it usually the other way around, viz: "I'm married and he's hardly..." the stupid stays though.

 

[jon12345]

Many years ago management decided that our team of 12 needed some bonding to iron out some issues. The day came and we all got on the train to a rather drab venue/office in Mitcham.

Our teacher for the day was a body language expert who was going to teach us how we are perceived by each other and customers etc. Think low rent Derren Brown/Paul Mckenna. We spent the morning doing role plays and to be fair it was quite good and the bloke made it fun. Come lunch time he took us all to the pub and bought us a pub lunch and a few drinks each. He's reasoning was he was obliged to provide food and drinks in the contract and he wasn't staying up all night making sandwiches.

After a good lunch we headed back to the office and sat down, there was a sheet of paper with all our names on with a space underneath each name. It was stressed that this was totally anonymous and we had to write down 1 good and 1 bad thing about every one in the group and the sheets would be collected when we finished. You could see people thinking this is anonymous and i'm never going to get this chance again. Combined with lunchtime alcohol people furiously scribbled away.

When we had finished came the fatal blow we had to read them out to each other! The bitterness and resentment all came out. With lines like He smells, goes on about he's fuc**ng daughter at university all the time, her face etc. There was tears and shouting but funnily enough it worked. The smelly bloke started washing, the guy didn't mention he's daughter as much etc.

 

[Gullflyinghigh]

I have a guy who tries to touch my hips every time he walks past me. He's married and I'm hardly a looker so I put it down to the fact he is staggeringly stupid. Honestly the dumbest person I've ever met. I'll post a few of his gems when I get a chance.

There's a gentleman on my site (happily no longer the same building) of advancing years who has long been treated with caution by anyone 35, regardless of gender or inclination.

He's been married for many years and has raised seemingly normal (albeit spoilt) offspring, but if you go anywhere near him he'll give you a long lingering 'up and down' look before talking to you. It's even worse if he's sat at a desk as you know before going over that his eyes are not going above waist height. Creepy creepy dude.

As for daft colleagues, there's a thoroughly pleasant lad here who happens to be very good at his job (so actually not a bell cheese now I think about it) whilst being a wee bit simple.

The first ones that pop to mind are a long conversation about whether lava is hot (he always assumed it wasn't) and what it's made of, as well as his firm belief that if the sun were to explode (it was a long day) we'd be fine as we could live by the light of the moon. Yep.

 

[Norman Potting]

Work nonsense
It was billed as something about “listening to customers”.
It was two events and attendance was mandatory (meaning “it’s shit but you’re going”).
The first session we had a woman going on about listening to what customers actually mean when they say something. Now I aint blowing my own trumpet but I’ve been in customer facing roles for 32+ years dealing with faults on various services from telephony to data; quite often the customer doesn’t use the same terminology so we ask questions to clarify what they mean.
This woman has us do things like “write down your favourite dog”. Now in those 32 years I’ve been to peoples houses and met their dogs but I don’t really have a favourite. I said ShiTzu for no other reason than it sounds rude.
Then we had to sit back to back, one of us was given a picture and had to describe it to the other one who drew it. I’m hard of hearing so just kept shouting “WHAT ?” and “PARDON”.

Anyway, that wasn’t so bad. The next day was run by a Brassy Northern Woman (BNW)
and was about how to deal with people on the phone.
We (I say “we” but some of us didn’t bother) had to go through some vocal warm exercises up to get us ready for using the phone.
Around this time someone told her he wasn’t having any of it and sat back with arms folded.
She kept coming out with all that stuff like smiling when you talk to a customer on the phone will mean you’re nicer to them and they will have a better experience.
Anyways, there were all 6 of us from my rota team at the time (we always worked together on all shifts so we were pretty close) and we’ve always been keen to mock suck fools; unfortunately it got a bit out of hand (Dave told his story about messing his bedsheets and there was another story about a used condom on a conservatory roof) and at lunchtime BNW goes and tells our boss that we aren’t behaving very well and aren’t engaging as much as she’d like.
The boss, a very pragmatic man, told her that if she tries to treat grown ups like children she’s only herself to blame.
BNW then goes to see the director who had engaged her to tell him it’s not going swimmingly. He tells her to ask us to leave the session.
BNW comes back after lunch, tells the 6 of us we are disruptive, would we please leave and that we will be getting disciplined. We weren’t.
Last anyone saw of BNW she appeared to be crying in her car.

And that's a bravo from me as well - but remember a smile can be heard on the phone (insert finger down throat vomit emoji here).