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Bell Cheeses at work
- Thread starter Iggle Piggle
- Start date
Reminds me of a client I had some time ago that had the dates of his holidays at the bottom of EVERY email for some months before he went away. Important, moi?
Clients can be bell cheeses too, you know!
Last edited:
pasty
A different kind of pasty
Had to find this thread today.
I am currently trying to create an excel report for a client, creating the excel from scratch using a combination of jxl and one of the most complicated cross database sql queries I have ever written. The code is driving me nuts, the values coming back from sql do not appear to be right, the formatting of %ages from jxl into an spreadsheet isn't working properly, none of the calculations are right and I have just received the following email from the senior project manager on this project expressing her major concern.....
I’m assuming the appropriate cells will be <company name> branded and the colours changed
I am currently trying to create an excel report for a client, creating the excel from scratch using a combination of jxl and one of the most complicated cross database sql queries I have ever written. The code is driving me nuts, the values coming back from sql do not appear to be right, the formatting of %ages from jxl into an spreadsheet isn't working properly, none of the calculations are right and I have just received the following email from the senior project manager on this project expressing her major concern.....
I’m assuming the appropriate cells will be <company name> branded and the colours changed
Iggle Piggle
Well-known member
- Sep 3, 2010
- 5,922
- Thread starter
- #684
This is absolutely TEXTBOOK from an IT project manager. You can spend DAYS working on some really clever and massively complicated code to try and meet the specifications, then they look at it and the thing they're really impressed with is that you've made the title green.
On the flip side, when you haven't got to write any complex code behind the scenes, you can spend 10 minutes ARSING about with the look-and-feel and stick your feet up for the rest of the day, safe in the knowledge that they're going to be BLOWN AWAY by your changes. This is pretty much what I've been doing for the last 2 weeks.
pasty
A different kind of pasty
The second bit is precisely what I am hoping to do tomorrow. I'm wfh, so hoping to get the complicated bit done today, then as you say arse about a bit tomorrow with whilst watching the final day of the cricket, then about 4.45pm send the finished report to the PM who will end up purring with delight at the lovely colours I have put in.
Is 9.08 a BIT early for crisps?
Yes, yes it is, even for the crisp monster.
A Toffee Crisp it is then...
Yes, yes it is, even for the crisp monster.
A Toffee Crisp it is then...
I've got this image in my mind of a proper CHUBSTER, whose chins wobble every time she speaks, pronounces the letter "H" as HAITCH and "espresso" as EXPRESSO. Am I close?
Meanwhile the American woman ANNOUNCED herself to the office at 8.30 this morning.
She's actually, surprisingly not that fat. Fat, obviously, but not THAT fat.
She goes to the GYM and everything.
I know this, because about once a week or so, she turns up to work in tight gym leggings and a track suit top, having come straight from there, without having showered or changed (before heading straight for her desk drawer food STASH to refuel).
Yay.
TWOCHOICEStom
Well-known member
Ah IT Project Management. That could be a thread all of it's own.
A while ago I had to provide a list of translations of some of values from our system. I had to have one column for each translation. English, Swedish, German, Norwegian etc... I made the column heading cells have the colour scheme of the flags of each country and the PM nearly lost their bloody mind. "Wow it's so easy to read! You even made it the right colours for each country! You SUPERSTAR!! Thanks!!!" They bloody LOVE colours.
In stark contrast to the "Hi, just a SMALL REQUEST. Can you JUST get xyz out of the database for me? I have absolutely zero knowledge of what effort this will require and I know it's a vague requirement so you'll have to mail me 3 times and call me once to find out what I actually want. But it SHOULDN'T TAKE YOU TOO LONG" 400 lines of SQL later I get... Thanks, but is it possible to get yzx instead? If it's too much effort I can always just get the info myself it from the reporting system"
nwgull
Well-known member
You do realise that she doesn't actually do any sweat inducing exercise, or anything that might make her get out of breath?
I will guarantee that she goes on a treadmill, puts the gradient at something quite tough (somewhere around 5-7 degrees), but then walks at 3mph whilst holding on to the handles to render any gradient applied as largely irrelevant. However the display on the machine will (erroneously) tell her that she's burned 300 calories in her 20 minute walk, so she needs to refuel by stuffing a toffee crisp in her fat ****ing cunty office bell cheesy face.
Arrhghhh - I hate your work colleague!!!
TWOCHOICEStom
Well-known member
Funny how "****ing" gets censored. But "cunty" is perfectly fine 
Lyndhurst 14
Well-known member
- Jan 16, 2008
- 5,238
Tomorrow is ‘Administrative Professionals Day’ in the States which means that all over America lots of fat, lazy, useless individuals will be hinting heavily today about what goodies they are expecting tomorrow just for doing their job, and the dire consequences of ignoring said hints. Only in America.
Of course being a bunch of Brits we always maintain a stiff upper lip and stare out the window when they are doing their patrol.
Of course being a bunch of Brits we always maintain a stiff upper lip and stare out the window when they are doing their patrol.
Gullflyinghigh
Registered User
- Apr 23, 2012
- 4,279
When you say 'goodies', what exactly do you mean? Are we talking a packet of rolos and a voucher for free coffee or something slightly more substantial?
Norman Potting
Well-known member
I await regular updates tomorrow with interest - I cannot begin to imagine an "Office Clerk's" day in the UK however you dressed it up with a fancy name - do you give each other cards?
nwgull
Well-known member
Is administrative professionals the politically correct term for office totty? You know people that you wouldn't miss (from a doing business and running the office point of view) if they went on holiday for a month, but they brighten the place up?
Lyndhurst 14
Well-known member
- Jan 16, 2008
- 5,238
It is very much an American invention. I did see plenty of horrendous cards in a shop today but like I said we generally manage to avoid it. One company I worked for had a Staff Recognition Day which was even more buttock clenching.
Email sent out to the WHOLE company this morning:
"Lovely news for a Monday! {Woman I don't know} had her baby boy late on Friday evening in a sudden and unexpected home birth!"
etc.
With attached picture of course.
I simply don't care, why do they insist on sending this kind of thing to EVERYONE?
"Lovely news for a Monday! {Woman I don't know} had her baby boy late on Friday evening in a sudden and unexpected home birth!"
etc.
With attached picture of course.
I simply don't care, why do they insist on sending this kind of thing to EVERYONE?
Norman Potting
Well-known member
A long time a go in a bank far away there was allegedly a young and keen assistant manager of a "progressive" nature who's partner had their first child. He invited his colleagues up to the staff room to see a "video of the new baby" on the video player usually used for training courses. His colleagues soon discovered that "video of the new new baby" meant the final stages of labour in full detail culminating in the appearance of the baby.
Yes, my bug bear is similar drivel from people at the top about their fellow high flying chums. The rest of us really don't give a fck.
Some bloke at ours died of cancer in his 50s about 3 years ago who was apparently moderately senior. All very sad of course, but 90% of the 1000 strong firm didn't know who he was. We got email after email reminding us that "one of us" had died, and then they renamed a meeting room after him. FFS. The good news is that they renamed meeting room "Kent" to this bloke, rather than the adjacent "Sussex".
When I die, I DON'T want a meeting room named after me thanks.