Bell Cheeses at work

[Marty McFly]

Oh god, I really don't miss offices! But try being a waiter!!

 

[Notters]

There is not a chance of that happening. Luckily, there are so many broody women in our office, that I'll be well towards the back of any queue for holding the dribble machine.

Lots more dribbling potatoes coming your way then!

 

[Brian Fantana]

Lots more dribbling potatoes coming your way then!

That's why I'm currently plotting my escape!

 

[Flex Your Head]

Why don't you volunteer, and take charge of the committee? The potential for revenge is huge.

Indeed, but whereas she seems to have nothing but spare time (and chocolate stains) on her hands, other than the occasional dabble on NSC, I am generally frantically busy. Bah, tsk etc.

 

[Brian Fantana]

Indeed, but whereas she seems to have nothing but spare time (and chocolate stains) on her hands, other than the occasional dabble on NSC, I am generally frantically busy. Bah, tsk etc.

Shame. Is there no one you can get on side to volunteer and be your proxy?

 

[Staly]

I work in an office with what I consider to be the most annoying person I’ve ever crossed paths with. She:

1- Sighs constantly. Big, shuddering sighs which convey the impression that a tragedy of monumental proportions has struck her and her family. If you make the mistake of asking her what’s wrong she looks at you in complete incomprehension and you realise that she doesn’t even realise that she’s doing it. I once counted how many times she sighed in one hour- 26. It’s like there’s a little black cloud permanently hovering over one corner of the office.
2- Is a complete hypochondriac. I have worked with this woman for a very long time, and I swear that EVERY SINGLE DAY that I have known her she has complained to me about how ill she is. I say “Good morning L…, how are you ?” and she will say “I was sick all the way into work/ I feel wobbly and dodgy/ I got an hour’s sleep and have a raging headache” or a similar variation thereof. Every. Single. Day.
3- Sings constantly. Out of tune. The same three or four songs over and over again. But only the first line of each song, often with incorrect or missing words. So “Stand up, if you doo be doo”, or “If you like a lot of chocolate on your biscuit doo be doo”, or “Arf a sixpence”. Again, every single day, several times an hour. To break this routine she will occasionally break into a hugely loud, sudden, tuneless, vibrato laden piercing whistle. Only a couple of notes at a time but enough to give me a heart attack.
4- Is incapable of doing her job (for which she is over qualified and has been doing for nearly 10 years) without constant reference to me. She asks the same questions every week, but doesn’t retain the information. Every day is like a new day, and it’s like constantly dealing with a new starter.
5- Can make the simplest task into a huge complicated drama. Is never happier than when in the midst of a crisis, which is invariably of her own making.
6- Confuses everybody around her with her inability to speak in coherent sentences. In a thick Salford accent, very fast: “Well, e sed to what’s her name that this lad ad the files but e told me that the other lad hadn’t got them so I ad to ask legal, you know what’s er name, and she said that she’d got to see them”. Er, what?
7- Has a massive chip on her shoulder about being working class and drops her allegedly humble origins into any possible situation.
8- Has always had any illness that anyone else has got, but 10 times worse.
9- Calls her dogs “her babies” and regales the office with all their fascinating activities.
10- Can’t leave a room- comes back in to check she’s turned her computer off/ locked her drawer/ not forgotten her phone at least 3 times before she can leave.
11- Projects a field which immediately makes any IT equipment near her malfunction. IT Support spend more time in our office than in their own. One of them once told me that they have a dart board with her face on it- I’m prepared to believe he wasn’t joking. Her solution to any IT problem is to yank the plug on her computer out of the wall and plug it back in again.
12- Is (or pretends to be) deaf as a post. Everything you say to her has to be repeated 3 or 4 times. It’s so hard and time consuming having a conversation with her that I mostly now don’t bother, which is a failing on my part as I’m supposed to be her manager.

There’s lots more- is that enough for now?

 

[hans kraay fan club]

I work in an office with what I consider to be the most annoying person I’ve ever crossed paths with. She:

1- Sighs constantly. Big, shuddering sighs which convey the impression that a tragedy of monumental proportions has struck her and her family. If you make the mistake of asking her what’s wrong she looks at you in complete incomprehension and you realise that she doesn’t even realise that she’s doing it. I once counted how many times she sighed in one hour- 26. It’s like there’s a little black cloud permanently hovering over one corner of the office.
2- Is a complete hypochondriac. I have worked with this woman for a very long time, and I swear that EVERY SINGLE DAY that I have known her she has complained to me about how ill she is. I say “Good morning L…, how are you ?” and she will say “I was sick all the way into work/ I feel wobbly and dodgy/ I got an hour’s sleep and have a raging headache” or a similar variation thereof. Every. Single. Day.
3- Sings constantly. Out of tune. The same three or four songs over and over again. But only the first line of each song, often with incorrect or missing words. So “Stand up, if you doo be doo”, or “If you like a lot of chocolate on your biscuit doo be doo”, or “Arf a sixpence”. Again, every single day, several times an hour. To break this routine she will occasionally break into a hugely loud, sudden, tuneless, vibrato laden piercing whistle. Only a couple of notes at a time but enough to give me a heart attack.
4- Is incapable of doing her job (for which she is over qualified and has been doing for nearly 10 years) without constant reference to me. She asks the same questions every week, but doesn’t retain the information. Every day is like a new day, and it’s like constantly dealing with a new starter.
5- Can make the simplest task into a huge complicated drama. Is never happier than when in the midst of a crisis, which is invariably of her own making.
6- Confuses everybody around her with her inability to speak in coherent sentences. In a thick Salford accent, very fast: “Well, e sed to what’s her name that this lad ad the files but e told me that the other lad hadn’t got them so I ad to ask legal, you know what’s er name, and she said that she’d got to see them”. Er, what?
7- Has a massive chip on her shoulder about being working class and drops her allegedly humble origins into any possible situation.
8- Has always had any illness that anyone else has got, but 10 times worse.
9- Calls her dogs “her babies” and regales the office with all their fascinating activities.
10- Can’t leave a room- comes back in to check she’s turned her computer off/ locked her drawer/ not forgotten her phone at least 3 times before she can leave.
11- Projects a field which immediately makes any IT equipment near her malfunction. IT Support spend more time in our office than in their own. One of them once told me that they have a dart board with her face on it- I’m prepared to believe he wasn’t joking. Her solution to any IT problem is to yank the plug on her computer out of the wall and plug it back in again.
12- Is (or pretends to be) deaf as a post. Everything you say to her has to be repeated 3 or 4 times. It’s so hard and time consuming having a conversation with her that I mostly now don’t bother, which is a failing on my part as I’m supposed to be her manager.

There’s lots more- is that enough for now?

EXCELLENT work [MENTION=2040]Staly[/MENTION]

Welcome aboard.

Points number 3 and 5 are crushingly familiar, in particular. You haven't confirmed that she is FAT. I'll assume she is.

 

[Staly]

She's not particularly fat, but she is annoyingly short. She also has a ridiculously severe jet black bob which has a snowy white stripe down the centre when her roots need doing.. She is constantly on a diet though- ie she'll tell everyone about this marvellous new diet she's going to start for weeks, actually do it for one day, give up and then start telling us all about the next one.

 

[Brian Fantana]

I work in an office with what I consider to be the most annoying person I’ve ever crossed paths with. She:

1- Sighs constantly. Big, shuddering sighs which convey the impression that a tragedy of monumental proportions has struck her and her family. If you make the mistake of asking her what’s wrong she looks at you in complete incomprehension and you realise that she doesn’t even realise that she’s doing it. I once counted how many times she sighed in one hour- 26. It’s like there’s a little black cloud permanently hovering over one corner of the office.
2- Is a complete hypochondriac. I have worked with this woman for a very long time, and I swear that EVERY SINGLE DAY that I have known her she has complained to me about how ill she is. I say “Good morning L…, how are you ?” and she will say “I was sick all the way into work/ I feel wobbly and dodgy/ I got an hour’s sleep and have a raging headache” or a similar variation thereof. Every. Single. Day.
3- Sings constantly. Out of tune. The same three or four songs over and over again. But only the first line of each song, often with incorrect or missing words. So “Stand up, if you doo be doo”, or “If you like a lot of chocolate on your biscuit doo be doo”, or “Arf a sixpence”. Again, every single day, several times an hour. To break this routine she will occasionally break into a hugely loud, sudden, tuneless, vibrato laden piercing whistle. Only a couple of notes at a time but enough to give me a heart attack.
4- Is incapable of doing her job (for which she is over qualified and has been doing for nearly 10 years) without constant reference to me. She asks the same questions every week, but doesn’t retain the information. Every day is like a new day, and it’s like constantly dealing with a new starter.
5- Can make the simplest task into a huge complicated drama. Is never happier than when in the midst of a crisis, which is invariably of her own making.
6- Confuses everybody around her with her inability to speak in coherent sentences. In a thick Salford accent, very fast: “Well, e sed to what’s her name that this lad ad the files but e told me that the other lad hadn’t got them so I ad to ask legal, you know what’s er name, and she said that she’d got to see them”. Er, what?
7- Has a massive chip on her shoulder about being working class and drops her allegedly humble origins into any possible situation.
8- Has always had any illness that anyone else has got, but 10 times worse.
9- Calls her dogs “her babies” and regales the office with all their fascinating activities.
10- Can’t leave a room- comes back in to check she’s turned her computer off/ locked her drawer/ not forgotten her phone at least 3 times before she can leave.
11- Projects a field which immediately makes any IT equipment near her malfunction. IT Support spend more time in our office than in their own. One of them once told me that they have a dart board with her face on it- I’m prepared to believe he wasn’t joking. Her solution to any IT problem is to yank the plug on her computer out of the wall and plug it back in again.
12- Is (or pretends to be) deaf as a post. Everything you say to her has to be repeated 3 or 4 times. It’s so hard and time consuming having a conversation with her that I mostly now don’t bother, which is a failing on my part as I’m supposed to be her manager.

There’s lots more- is that enough for now?

This is excellent.

Welcome aboard.

Point 3 would drive me absolutely insane, and is one of few annoying things that I've not experienced.

 

[Postman Pat]

9- Calls her dogs “her babies” and regales the office with all their fascinating activities.

The irritant in my office has recently sent her dogs to "doggy day care", they have a webcam......She spends all day on the webcam . When she isn't on the webcam she is showing others the webcam....

I am so close to beating her around the head with her own monitors.

 

[Notters]

Top rant there [MENTION=2040]Staly[/MENTION]

 

[Badger]

I work in an office with what I consider to be the most annoying person I’ve ever crossed paths with. She:

1- Sighs constantly. Big, shuddering sighs which convey the impression that a tragedy of monumental proportions has struck her and her family. If you make the mistake of asking her what’s wrong she looks at you in complete incomprehension and you realise that she doesn’t even realise that she’s doing it. I once counted how many times she sighed in one hour- 26. It’s like there’s a little black cloud permanently hovering over one corner of the office.
2- Is a complete hypochondriac. I have worked with this woman for a very long time, and I swear that EVERY SINGLE DAY that I have known her she has complained to me about how ill she is. I say “Good morning L…, how are you ?” and she will say “I was sick all the way into work/ I feel wobbly and dodgy/ I got an hour’s sleep and have a raging headache” or a similar variation thereof. Every. Single. Day.
3- Sings constantly. Out of tune. The same three or four songs over and over again. But only the first line of each song, often with incorrect or missing words. So “Stand up, if you doo be doo”, or “If you like a lot of chocolate on your biscuit doo be doo”, or “Arf a sixpence”. Again, every single day, several times an hour. To break this routine she will occasionally break into a hugely loud, sudden, tuneless, vibrato laden piercing whistle. Only a couple of notes at a time but enough to give me a heart attack.
4- Is incapable of doing her job (for which she is over qualified and has been doing for nearly 10 years) without constant reference to me. She asks the same questions every week, but doesn’t retain the information. Every day is like a new day, and it’s like constantly dealing with a new starter.
5- Can make the simplest task into a huge complicated drama. Is never happier than when in the midst of a crisis, which is invariably of her own making.
6- Confuses everybody around her with her inability to speak in coherent sentences. In a thick Salford accent, very fast: “Well, e sed to what’s her name that this lad ad the files but e told me that the other lad hadn’t got them so I ad to ask legal, you know what’s er name, and she said that she’d got to see them”. Er, what?
7- Has a massive chip on her shoulder about being working class and drops her allegedly humble origins into any possible situation.
8- Has always had any illness that anyone else has got, but 10 times worse.
9- Calls her dogs “her babies” and regales the office with all their fascinating activities.
10- Can’t leave a room- comes back in to check she’s turned her computer off/ locked her drawer/ not forgotten her phone at least 3 times before she can leave.
11- Projects a field which immediately makes any IT equipment near her malfunction. IT Support spend more time in our office than in their own. One of them once told me that they have a dart board with her face on it- I’m prepared to believe he wasn’t joking. Her solution to any IT problem is to yank the plug on her computer out of the wall and plug it back in again.
12- Is (or pretends to be) deaf as a post. Everything you say to her has to be repeated 3 or 4 times. It’s so hard and time consuming having a conversation with her that I mostly now don’t bother, which is a failing on my part as I’m supposed to be her manager.

There’s lots more- is that enough for now?

Welcome ABOARD, the most important step is to get it off you chest, now that you've done that you can really make the most of this thread.


I can certainly relate to 3, 5, 6 and 11, thankfully that's in the past for me now though.

 

[Norman Potting]

Love to see this thread is back big time.

 

[Badger]

The irritant in my office has recently sent her dogs to "doggy day care", they have a webcam......She spends all day on the webcam . When she isn't on the webcam she is showing others the webcam....

I am so close to beating her around the head with her own monitors.

I'm afraid you're not going to get too much sympathy from me until she actually BRINGS the dogs into work.

 

[spring hall convert]

I work in an office with what I consider to be the most annoying person I’ve ever crossed paths with. She:

1- Sighs constantly. Big, shuddering sighs which convey the impression that a tragedy of monumental proportions has struck her and her family. If you make the mistake of asking her what’s wrong she looks at you in complete incomprehension and you realise that she doesn’t even realise that she’s doing it. I once counted how many times she sighed in one hour- 26. It’s like there’s a little black cloud permanently hovering over one corner of the office.
2- Is a complete hypochondriac. I have worked with this woman for a very long time, and I swear that EVERY SINGLE DAY that I have known her she has complained to me about how ill she is. I say “Good morning L…, how are you ?” and she will say “I was sick all the way into work/ I feel wobbly and dodgy/ I got an hour’s sleep and have a raging headache” or a similar variation thereof. Every. Single. Day.
3- Sings constantly. Out of tune. The same three or four songs over and over again. But only the first line of each song, often with incorrect or missing words. So “Stand up, if you doo be doo”, or “If you like a lot of chocolate on your biscuit doo be doo”, or “Arf a sixpence”. Again, every single day, several times an hour. To break this routine she will occasionally break into a hugely loud, sudden, tuneless, vibrato laden piercing whistle. Only a couple of notes at a time but enough to give me a heart attack.
4- Is incapable of doing her job (for which she is over qualified and has been doing for nearly 10 years) without constant reference to me. She asks the same questions every week, but doesn’t retain the information. Every day is like a new day, and it’s like constantly dealing with a new starter.
5- Can make the simplest task into a huge complicated drama. Is never happier than when in the midst of a crisis, which is invariably of her own making.
6- Confuses everybody around her with her inability to speak in coherent sentences. In a thick Salford accent, very fast: “Well, e sed to what’s her name that this lad ad the files but e told me that the other lad hadn’t got them so I ad to ask legal, you know what’s er name, and she said that she’d got to see them”. Er, what?
7- Has a massive chip on her shoulder about being working class and drops her allegedly humble origins into any possible situation.
8- Has always had any illness that anyone else has got, but 10 times worse.
9- Calls her dogs “her babies” and regales the office with all their fascinating activities.
10- Can’t leave a room- comes back in to check she’s turned her computer off/ locked her drawer/ not forgotten her phone at least 3 times before she can leave.
11- Projects a field which immediately makes any IT equipment near her malfunction. IT Support spend more time in our office than in their own. One of them once told me that they have a dart board with her face on it- I’m prepared to believe he wasn’t joking. Her solution to any IT problem is to yank the plug on her computer out of the wall and plug it back in again.
12- Is (or pretends to be) deaf as a post. Everything you say to her has to be repeated 3 or 4 times. It’s so hard and time consuming having a conversation with her that I mostly now don’t bother, which is a failing on my part as I’m supposed to be her manager.

There’s lots more- is that enough for now?

I bet she thinks you love her as well....

 

[seagully]

Reading through the past few pages have reminded me why this is quite simply the best thread on NSC. Reading the workplace rants of others is amazingly cathartic. I'm a little upset that since moving jobs there is a distinct lack of bell cheese action in my new office to report back on. Early days though....

 

[deletebeepbeepbeep]

A highly strung and condescending senior member of staff flipped out at a junior member and stormed out of the office today. It was initially met with silence throughout before laughter and excited chatter.

He is going to be cringing on his way into work tomorrow.

 

[onepostwonder]

i remember a quiet well spoken geek many years ago at an office i worked at....he never went on the doo's or socials......one xmas after some years a group of seniors confronted him and asked..............

"Simon, tell us why you never come on partys, meals, or socials? whats the problem?"

"To be honest, I just think your all a bunch of *****" .....and then he walked off back to some bespoke programming. (he was too good to be fired).

i loved that guy

 

[onepostwonder]

i remember a quiet well spoken geek many years ago at an office i worked at....he never went on the doo's or socials......one xmas after some years a group of seniors confronted him and asked..............

"Simon, tell us why you never come on partys, meals, or socials? whats the problem?"

"To be honest, I just think your all a bunch of *****" .....and then he walked off back to some bespoke programming. (he was too good to be fired).

i loved that guy

 

[Worthingite]

I'm not actually in the office arena at the moment, but I'm guessing that many of you must have said bell cheeses who are rabbiting onabout Valentine's Day/50 shades of grey like a bunch of drunk hen night casualties