Bell Cheeses at work

[Easy 10]

Next week best just turn the WiFi off for a hour and enjoy the peace and quiet.

You have my deepest sympathies - sounds painful beyond believe.

Yeah but then I just get spammed with messages. "Did you forget the meeting ?" "Where were you ?" Everything ok hun ?"

FML.

 

[Jim Van Winkle]

Yeah but then I just get spammed with messages. "Did you forget the meeting ?" "Where were you ?" Everything ok hun ?"

FML.

Just send a text saying your internet has gone out. Take the morning off on me fella.

 

[Super Steve Earle]

So we're all WFH, and a few weeks back, one of the office BINTS floated the idea of us all (by all I mean about 6-7 of us) "meeting up" once a week on a Friday lunchtime on Teams for 45 minutes (12.15 - 1.00), for an unofficial non work-related catchup "chat".

Frankly I recoiled at the idea, but I was late to the chat message and before I could say "frankly I'd rather contract type-2 diabetes", the office Doris's had already proclaimed what a GREAT idea it was, and these "meets" were duly plumbed into all our Outlook calendars faster than a Connolly strike high into the back of the stands.

I've managed to swerve the first few. "The missus is off - we have to do Tesco this lunch". "I've got some errands to run in town". "I seem to have developed an aggressive and debilitating aneurysm". But today I basically ran out of excuses and had to log on for one. And my life, as I knew it would be, what an UTTER waste of time. We all sat their gurning into our webcams, desperately trying to think of something to say. Conversation invariably always turned to their KIDS ("can't wait for them to go back to school / Emma drew a tree / Christoph made his own breakfast and put cheese in his granola! hahahaha"), you get the idea. 45 minutes of this excruciating DRECK.

And you know the most AGGRAVATING thing of all ? The useless BINT who came up with this bloody idea, and shoved it on all our calendars, (a) unlike everyone else didn't even have her camera on, and (b) actually said the square root of F*CK ALL throughout the ENTIRE meeting. Totally silent, aside from a cough now and then (I briefly considered hoping it was covid). She's not smart enough to be on a wind-up, she has all the wit and social skills of a spotty 15 year-old bedroom recluse who's single interest is Warhammer. So I can only assume she gets off on watching the rest of us trapped in the most boring meetings imaginable, being as none of us has been anywhere, or done anything, for cuffing MONTHS.

Any new excuses for missing next weeks shithouse meeting will be gratefully received.

Sake.

Apologise for absence as it's your lunch break.

 

[dazzer6666]

So we're all WFH, and a few weeks back, one of the office BINTS floated the idea of us all (by all I mean about 6-7 of us) "meeting up" once a week on a Friday lunchtime on Teams for 45 minutes (12.15 - 1.00), for an unofficial non work-related catchup "chat".

Frankly I recoiled at the idea, but I was late to the chat message and before I could say "frankly I'd rather contract type-2 diabetes", the office Doris's had already proclaimed what a GREAT idea it was, and these "meets" were duly plumbed into all our Outlook calendars faster than a Connolly strike high into the back of the stands.

I've managed to swerve the first few. "The missus is off - we have to do Tesco this lunch". "I've got some errands to run in town". "I seem to have developed an aggressive and debilitating aneurysm". But today I basically ran out of excuses and had to log on for one. And my life, as I knew it would be, what an UTTER waste of time. We all sat their gurning into our webcams, desperately trying to think of something to say. Conversation invariably always turned to their KIDS ("can't wait for them to go back to school / Emma drew a tree / Christoph made his own breakfast and put cheese in his granola! hahahaha"), you get the idea. 45 minutes of this excruciating DRECK.

And you know the most AGGRAVATING thing of all ? The useless BINT who came up with this bloody idea, and shoved it on all our calendars, (a) unlike everyone else didn't even have her camera on, and (b) actually said the square root of F*CK ALL throughout the ENTIRE meeting. Totally silent, aside from a cough now and then (I briefly considered hoping it was covid). She's not smart enough to be on a wind-up, she has all the wit and social skills of a spotty 15 year-old bedroom recluse who's single interest is Warhammer. So I can only assume she gets off on watching the rest of us trapped in the most boring meetings imaginable, being as none of us has been anywhere, or done anything, for cuffing MONTHS.

Any new excuses for missing next weeks shithouse meeting will be gratefully received.

Sake.

You know when it comes to performance review time, she’ll get top bins for ‘keeping the team together throughout covid using innovative technology-based media’

You’ll get an ‘unsatisfactory’ for ‘not being a team player - evidenced by lack of sufficient attendance at team Zoom calls and when you did attend you were clearly a curmudgeonly ****’.

On the plus side, you can then post on here about how much of a bell cheese your boss is.........

 

[Easy 10]

Just send a text saying your internet has gone out. Take the morning off on me fella.

Cheers chap, nice idea, but anyone who uses Teams knows there's nowhere to hide - they can see if you're 'active' and logged in. The 'no internet' excuse has a very limited shelf life, sadly.

I managed to miss the first 4 meetings, today was my first in attendance so further no-shows will arouse suspicion. I also resent the fact that I can't stay in my dressing gown till lunchtime on Fridays now. Well, unless my webcam "breaks", I suppose.

 

[Easy 10]

You know when it comes to performance review time, she’ll get top bins for ‘keeping the team together throughout covid using innovative technology-based media’

You’ll get an ‘unsatisfactory’ for ‘not being a team player - evidenced by lack of sufficient attendance at team Zoom calls and when you did attend you were clearly a curmudgeonly ****’.

On the plus side, you can then post on here about how much of a bell cheese your boss is.........

Yup, sounds about right.

I have a lovely lunchtime routine throughout the week which involves sandwiches, Hula Hoops, red hot peperami's, and porn (in no particular order). Now I've lost 20% of that, and on my favourite day of the week as well. I can't lie, its brought a genuine shadow into my life.

 

[dazzer6666]

Yup, sounds about right.

I have a lovely lunchtime routine throughout the week which involves sandwiches, Hula Hoops, red hot peperami's, and porn (in no particular order). Now I've lost 20% of that, and on my favourite day of the week as well. I can't lie, its brought a genuine shadow into my life.

....better to get an unsatisfactory for not attending or being miserablist, than for being seen on videoconference knocking one out whilst feasting on preserved spicy sausage and potato hoops.

 

[Easy 10]

....better to get an unsatisfactory for not attending or being miserablist, than for being seen on videoconference knocking one out whilst feasting on preserved spicy sausage and potato hoops.

That might just be enough to get me removed from the meetings...especially if I'm still in my dressing gown.

 

[Sid in the Sharknado]

Cheers chap, nice idea, but anyone who uses Teams knows there's nowhere to hide - they can see if you're 'active' and logged in. The 'no internet' excuse has a very limited shelf life, sadly.

I managed to miss the first 4 meetings, today was my first in attendance so further no-shows will arouse suspicion. I also resent the fact that I can't stay in my dressing gown till lunchtime on Fridays now. Well, unless my webcam "breaks", I suppose.

Teams has an option for "show as offline", or something similar.

As far as excuses for non-attendance are concerned, I'd propose:
Dealing with deliveryman
Too busy
Clashing meeting
Wild shits
Fault with microphone/camera
Family engagement
Kitchen flooding due to pipe breakage
Washing machine needs fixing
Require time to self (generic "personal reasons")
Exciting animal spotted outside window
Horrifying fungal infection
Need to leave house for exercise at lunchtime due to busy evening
House / flat on fire
Neighbour's house / flat on fire
Furniture collapse
Need time to deal with urgent personal email (utility, council, solicitor etc.)
Inmediate family member's birthday.

If you start running out I daresay I can come up with more. I've excused myself from calls before on the grounds the grounds that "I desperately need the toilet". The key is to have an excuse that nobody wants to question, so either really boring or a bit gross is ideal.

 

[dazzer6666]

Teams has an option for "show as offline", or something similar.

As far as excuses for non-attendance are concerned, I'd propose:
Dealing with deliveryman
Too busy
Clashing meeting
Wild shits
Fault with microphone/camera
Family engagement
Kitchen flooding due to pipe breakage
Washing machine needs fixing
Require time to self (generic "personal reasons")
Exciting animal spotted outside window
Horrifying fungal infection
Need to leave house for exercise at lunchtime due to busy evening
House / flat on fire
Neighbour's house / flat on fire
Furniture collapse
Need time to deal with urgent personal email (utility, council, solicitor etc.)
Inmediate family member's birthday.

If you start running out I daresay I can come up with more. I've excused myself from calls before on the grounds the grounds that "I desperately need the toilet". The key is to have an excuse that nobody wants to question, so either really boring or a bit gross is ideal.

‘I simply can’t put up with any more of your ****ing inane drivel any longer you ****ing bungle***t, so I’ve *(gone out/gone for a walk/gone for a nap/decided to knock one out/gone to Greggs). **** off.

*delete as appropriate

 

[Cheshire Cat]

There is always the "Somebody at the door" excuse.

Or even "l need to finish this particular task now (even if you haven't), so I haven't got time for this"

The similar meetings I was supposed to endure lasted about 3 weeks because no one could bothered

 

[Cheshire Cat]

"The postman called and asked to use my toilet because he's desperate "

Which actually happened today.

 

[Barham's tash]

Cheers chap, nice idea, but anyone who uses Teams knows there's nowhere to hide - they can see if you're 'active' and logged in. The 'no internet' excuse has a very limited shelf life, sadly.

I managed to miss the first 4 meetings, today was my first in attendance so further no-shows will arouse suspicion. I also resent the fact that I can't stay in my dressing gown till lunchtime on Fridays now. Well, unless my webcam "breaks", I suppose.

Yeah it’s been sold as the ultimate collaboration tool but it’s just an insipid mood Hoover workflow tracking tool that should actually be called “we’re watching you all you slacking *****”

 

[Guinness Boy]

I'd love to come up with some hilarious rant about the worthlessness of this Doris organised hell [MENTION=70]Easy 10[/MENTION]

But my honest advice is just don't turn up and don't try and excuse it.

I've missed countless "virtual drinks" and "e-coffee" sessions simply by 'forgetting' to log on. It's not contractual and they can't fire you for it.

 

[A1X]

This is the thread that keeps on giving.....

Not even lockdown could kill it off. Personally I think this thread is going to be absolutely LIT from June onwards as we all get dragged back to the office and encounter those weird new lockdown habits which shouldn’t persist but do.

 

[sparkie]

I'd love to come up with some hilarious rant about the worthlessness of this Doris organised hell [MENTION=70]Easy 10[/MENTION]

But my honest advice is just don't turn up and don't try and excuse it.

I've missed countless "virtual drinks" and "e-coffee" sessions simply by 'forgetting' to log on. It's not contractual and they can't fire you for it.

"I thought it was optional"

 

[PTC Gull]

You should use the Norman Collier faulty microphone ruse. With video off. Blame lack of bandwidth.

 

[Badger]

I'd love to come up with some hilarious rant about the worthlessness of this Doris organised hell [MENTION=70]Easy 10[/MENTION]

But my honest advice is just don't turn up and don't try and excuse it.

I've missed countless "virtual drinks" and "e-coffee" sessions simply by 'forgetting' to log on. It's not contractual and they can't fire you for it.

Yeah, I try and avoid these things as much possible. My company has started doing a Teams event every 2 weeks. It's either a company update or the head of one of the departments gives us an overview of what their team actually does. It has made me realise just how badly organised certain parts of the company are. They have been quite tedious and boring, but at least they don't expect us to turn our cameras on and I have learnt a few things.

Socials on Teams though, that's a different story. There's only so much forced fun I can endure (by that I mean, none. Absolutely none at all). For the Christmas party some of the HR people and senior managers made a "hilarious" dance video with animated elfs and reindeer, oh how my sides were splitting. They try and make us play games too but it ends up being a complete farce with 90+ people on the call.

Their latest idea is to send us all supplies for a virtual cupcake decorating session. The (all required) meeting invite was sent out in January and they said they'd post the supplies to all of us in time. Thankfully my boss hates this kind of nonsense as much as I do. He pointed out what a waste of money and resources it was for people who weren't interested. The next day they sent out a form asking if we wanted to take part. The event is next week, I wonder what the final attendance will be.

 

[South Stand Bonfire]

You missed one.

Teams has an option for "show as offline", or something similar.

As far as excuses for non-attendance are concerned, I'd propose:
Dealing with deliveryman
Too busy
Clashing meeting
Wild shits
Fault with microphone/camera
Family engagement
Kitchen flooding due to pipe breakage
Washing machine needs fixing
Require time to self (generic "personal reasons")
Exciting animal spotted outside window
Horrifying fungal infection
Need to leave house for exercise at lunchtime due to busy evening
House / flat on fire
Neighbour's house / flat on fire
Furniture collapse
Need time to deal with urgent personal email (utility, council, solicitor etc.)
Inmediate family member's birthday.
Knocking one out to a pepperoni.

 

[dazzer6666]

I'd love to come up with some hilarious rant about the worthlessness of this Doris organised hell [MENTION=70]Easy 10[/MENTION]

But my honest advice is just don't turn up and don't try and excuse it.

I've missed countless "virtual drinks" and "e-coffee" sessions simply by 'forgetting' to log on. It's not contractual and they can't fire you for it.

We have a more or less fortnightly virtual meeting....all of my old team, most of whom jumped at redundancy - plus the unfortunate few who stayed on. It’s hilarious..........