Bad jokes

[Bakesy]

batman hit me on the head with a vase and said "t'pau". i said "surely you mean 'ka-pow'". he said "no,i've got china in my hand!"

Don't give up the day job Guy!!!!

 

[Safeway]

What's pink, stiff and makes a woman scream first thing in the morning?




















Cot death.

 

[Bakesy]

What's pink, stiff and makes a woman scream first thing in the morning?




















Cot death.

That just ain't funny

 

[Caveman]

Two piles of sick walking down the road, one starts crying, the other turns and says "whats a matter?"










The other replies........












"I was brought up here"

 

[Caveman]

I could tell you the joke about the bread and butter.....

But you might spread it.

 

[ben andrews' girlfriend]

What do you call a man with a wooden head?

Edward! (say it out loud)

 

[Commander]

What have Gareth Gates and Harold Shipman got in common?























Neither of them can finish a f***ing sentance!


Two seals walked into a club.

Honestly, they just walked into it.

 

[FamilyGuy]

what do you call a dear with no eyes?
no idea.


what do you call a dear with no eyes and no legs?
still no idea.

What do you call a deer (sp!!) with no eyes, no legs and no dick - still no f***ing idea!

 

[Bwian]

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned, I couldn't concentrate

 

[FamilyGuy]

What do you call a man in a raincoat?
Mac

What do you call a man in 2 raincoats?
Max

What do you call a man in 2 raincoats, standing in a Cemetery?
Max Bygraves

 

[Stumpy Tim]

What do you call a guy floating on the sea?
Bob


What does a rodent have for breakfast?
Mice Crispies


Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing just some y-fronts. "what have you come as?" "premature ejaculation" "what do you mean?" "i've come in my pants."


A brain and a battery go into a pub, and the brain says, "Two pints of Stella, please", and the barman says, "I'm not serving you."

"Why not?", says the brain.

"Because you're out of your head, and your mate looks like he might start something."

 

[Seagullible]

what do you call 2 bananas?
A pair of slippers


Horse walks into a pub.
Barman says 'why the long face?'

Man goes to the doctor
'People keeps calling me Jacobs'
Doctor replies 'You must be crackers!'

 

[Shropshire Seagull]

From my daughters - honest

10-year-old:
Q. 2 mice in the airing cupboard, which one is the soldier?

A. The one on the tank! (race - don't go getting jealous)


13-year-old
Q. 2 flies in a tea-pot, which one is pregnant?

A. The one up the spout!

 

[Bwian]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.

He says to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"

 

[LANGDON SEAGULL]

What do you call a woman with two arseholes?

Mrs Neville

 

[Northstander]

What do you call a man with a wooden head?

Edward! (say it out loud)

Dont get it....

"Edd-Waarrd?"

 

[Robbie G]

A white horse walks into a bar
Barman : "Do you know this pub is named after you?"
White Horse : "What? Eric?"

What do you call a bloke with a shovel on his head?
Doug

What do you call a bloke who comes through your letter box?
Bill

Two men walk into a building. You would have thought one of them saw it

 

[thedonkeycentrehalf]

What do you call a man with a horse on his head?






Roy Kinnear

 

[maffew]

some good uns in here guys

 

[Tazman]

Whats pink and hard in the morning?

The Financial Times crossword!

Whats yellow & white and travels at 100mph?

A train drivers egg sandwich!

Whats the difference between snowmen and snow-women?

Snow Balls!

My names Taz and i'm here all week!!!