Bad joke - sorry if it's been on before

[NS Herald]

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea. One prawn was called Justin and the other, Christian.

The prawns were constantly being threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn! I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared & said, "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold! Justin turned into a shark!

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring & lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day, he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and lo and behold! he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse.)

Looking around the gathering at the reef, he realised he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark," came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door & shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."


Christian replied," No way, man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back, "No, I'm not! That was the old me. I've changed....





I've found cod. I'm a prawn again, Christian!"

 

[McShane79]

That is shocking!

 

[NMH]

Oooww!

alright, on that note (a low one, so this one won't raise it any);

A shoal of squid are swimming in the ocean, and one of them is lagging behind because he's not feeling all that well.
He drops so far back he's alone, struggling to keep up - and a shark swims up to him.
"you are losing your mates, why not hitch your tentacles onto my dorsal fin and I'll take you along the ocean with me"

"but won't you eat me?" said the squid.
"I promise not to, come on, let's get going"

So with tentacles wrapped on fin, they speed along the waters.
After a while they come to another shark, who greets the first shark, who says.....

"hi Gerald, here's that sick squid I owe you"

 

[Stinkers Bridge]

ok, while we're trotting them all out...

A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes.
"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man. "O.K." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!"

A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.

Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.

"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen. "Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"

The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.

"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.

"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show.

That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid!"

 

[Stinkers Bridge]

Mr and Mrs Green were very happy in their country cottage, George's passion was his vegetable patch while Martha's was to cook what her beloved husband grew.

George was especially proud of his cauliflowers. The largest, firmest and most tasty cauliflowers in the region. He takes his cauliflowers to the regional show where they win every cauliflower prize. Then he brings them home and Martha cooks them.

One year in particular, his cauliflowers were growing to a stupendous size. They were huge! George and Martha looked eagerly forward to the day when they would be eaten. Surely they would be the best tasting cauliflowers ever.

When they finally ripened to perfection, George picked the massive vegetables and as usual he took them to the show. The judges were amazed! George won every prize there was!

When supper-time finally arrived Martha had produced a wonderful meal. Boiled new potatoes in a light butter sauce, carrots and peas fresh from the garden, a roast leg of lamb with mint sauce and of course, the "piece de resistance" the cauliflower dish.

DISASTER!!!!

The cauliflower was horrible!!!! Even Martha's expertly prepared sauce did nothing to disguise the vileness of the vegetable!! It was so incredibly revolting. George was devastated, this was supposed to have been so special. 'Look' he said 'not only can we not eat this, it leaves ridiculous red stains'

Martha looked in the mirror and sure enough, her lips were a deep scarlet, a lovely colour spoiled only by its source. 'Never mind' Martha said,' I'm sure we can think of something' 'I doubt it' George replied 'it even makes your breath smell bad'

'What are we going to do?' asked George. 'We have so many cauliflowers and they're all so large. We can't just throw them away!' Martha came up with an idea.. 'What about lipstick?'

''Well, given the nice colour, couldn't we some how make a lipstick and sell it? So they set about their new project. The kitchen became a research lab. Many weeks of intensive R&D followed until finally they had produced the basic lipstick component.

'Unfortunately, its a little bit crumbly' said Martha. 'And it still smells a bit' said George 'maybe we ought to put a warning on the packaging. I'm sure if its used carefully it'll be OK.'

'Good idea' Martha said 'what shall we write?'

George thought for a while. 'I've got it' he said 'we'll write......

..SUPER-CAULI FRAGILE LIPSTICK, EXPECT HALITOSIS!

 

[Moshe Gariani]

punchline only...

"It's a knick-knack Paddy Whack, give the frog a loan - his old man's a Rolling Stone..."

 

[Lokki 7]

... chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

 

[Man of Harveys]

...tonight Matthew, I'm Simon and half-uncle

 

[Stinkers Bridge]

...Proving once and for all that you can have your Kayak and heat it.

 

[Woodchip]

...tonight Matthew, I'm Simon and half-uncle

Don't know that one.

 

[Man of Harveys]

Don't know that one.

http://www.funny-haha.co.uk/Joke.asp?J=381

 

[Lokki 7]

http://www.funny-haha.co.uk/Joke.asp?J=381

And..

http://85.234.132.19/showthread.php?s=&threadid=92144&highlight=halfuncle

and..

http://85.234.132.19/showthread.php?s=&threadid=89109&perpage=20&highlight=halfuncle&pagenumber=2

BTW: If I want to label a link something else, in this case FIXTURES, how do I do that? Always wondered..

 

[Mr Burns]

A boys says to his mum, "I've got the biggest cock in the nursery, is it because I'm black?"

"No" she replies

"its because your 25 and a f***ing retard !"

 

[Woodchip]

http://www.funny-haha.co.uk/Joke.asp?J=381

That wasted 2 minutes of my life that I'll never get back.

 

[NMH]

Quickies (while we are reduced to Noel Edmunds jokes);

A janitor working in a denture factory doesn't realise that a tour of dentists is being shown around, and while they are inspecting the refridgerator where they set the dentures, he closes the door and locks it for the night.

The headlines the next day read;

"tooth company freeze a crowd"

 

[NMH]

A man escaped from an asylum, rushed into a laudromat, and raped all the women in there before running away.

The headlines read;

"Nut screws washers and bolts"

 

[Lokki 7]

Nissan main dealer.

 

[Simster]

And the checkout girl says "No, it's because you're f***ing ugly"

 

[pasty]

A man discovers his wife is having an affair, so decides to hire a hitman to do her in. His mate, Arty, hears about this and tells him he'll gladly do it for a payment of just one pound.

The bloke readily agrees, and tells Arty that she always goes shopping at 10am on a Saturday. So the following Saturday, Arty is hiding out in Sainsbury's car park when she turns up, and as luck would have it, her lover is with her. Arty the assassin leaps out of the bushes and strangles them both.

Next days headline.........Arty Chokes 2 for a pound in Sainsbury's

 

[Moshe Gariani]

Well you can't say fairer than that then