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I've been singing all my life. Its all I've ever done. That was by far your weakest performance of the series so far. Oh, and can I just thank Brian for the fantastic dance routine? (Camera pans to Brian in audience and he looks up through his eyebrows and gives off the most insincere modest...

That's better. Carry on!

Where's 581?

Had to watch Homeland, due to being gripped by it. Hopefully this is on the old Virgin catchup?

No wonder we're not doing too well, the goal in front of the North Stand looks twice as big as the one down the other end. We ought to play the other way in the first half. Signed, Mr Stupid. PS nice pic though.

Remember, we're looking for the next big recording voice, and you've got it!

[In a bad Norn Irish accent] "You got me off the lavatory just to tell me that?"

You absolutely deserve to be in this competition. Oh, and while I'm on... Mash Ups. I'm in my fifties and stopped being down with the kids about two decades ago, but can I point out to you X-Factor judges that a 'mash up' involves two or more songs being played simultaneously or for...

Saw Paula Wilcox in New Road trying to hail a cab in the middle of the road while on her phone. Dicing with death there. She should have been well in to the side.

Ah, that's better. Carry on chaps!

What happened to 344?

One for the techie geeks:

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