Write your own Angie Rowland complaint

[Tooting Gull]

A sort of tribute thread.

I'd like an explanation from the council as to why the sea is not always as blue as I'd like. It's a disgrace. Probably the work of lotto louts.

 

[Easy 10]

Last Wednesday my sister was visiting from Bristol, and I had planned to cook her a barbecue. To both our frustration and disappointment it rained the entire afternoon, and yet the previous day, a Tuesday, it had been warm and sunny.

Could someone please explain precisely what I pay my council tax for ? We are constantly reminded that Brighton is "The Place To Be", and yet now it seems I can't even cook a pork loin chop in the privacy of my own back garden without a seagull delving through my rubbish and double-parking in the disabled bay. The whole thing should have been pulled down years ago anyway, but I suppose there'd be an outcry from the "trendy liberals".

And have you seen the price of avocados in Waitrose lately ? Storm damage my eye.

Angela Rowland,
Brighton

 

[Lady Whistledown]

Sir
As a tax-paying resident of Brighton for many years now, I would like to vent my fury at the regular imposition of Christmas on the people of the city.

This government imposed festival of jollity and frivolousness was imposed on me and the other hard working city residents for a whole DAY last year. Imagine my horror therefore when I discovered that it was not just last December, but this year as well! Must the long suffering citizens of Brighton & Hove have to put up with this intrusion once more?

I reserve the right to sit in my flat like a wizened, grumpy old prune, without having to suffer the incessant noise caused by carol singers and the Queen's speech. I resent the implication that I should deck the halls with boughs of holly and buy gifts. Whatever happened to the rights of the terminally miserable I ask you? Not only that, but I now find the council are spending MY taxes on decorative lights AND a tree! I find the idea of a whole DAY every single year devoted to this exercise a grotesque imposition.

Speaking, as ever, for the entire population of the city, I hope sincerely that the council will consider abandoning this ridiculous idea in years to come, and that no further days will be wasted in future. I'm not prejudiced, indeed I know several very nice people who celebrate Christmas in their own, quiet, way. But to have an entire day dedicated to it smacks of lefty liberalism and political correctness gone mad.
Yours sincerely

 

[Beach Hut]

Sir,

As a Council Tax paying resident of Brighton can someone please explain why the beach is a place used for leisure.

It should be sealed off to guarantee less visitors to this City.

I am your obedient Arsehole

Angie

 

[Easy 10]

Oooh, this thread has got some mileage

*rubs hands with glee*

 

[Hiney]

Dear Sir,

I am writing to complain about the lack of planning regarding the phasing of the Traffic Lights in the centre of Brighton.

I was attempting to cross the road recently and was extremely disappointed to have to wait for at least 47 seconds on at least 3 ocassions before the lights changed to green.

You may be interested to know that I am in the advanced stages of Syphilis and on the day in question, was slightly late for a routine appointment.

Because of your total lack of respect for long-standing residents, I missed the appointment and had to pick the scabs off by hand.

How inconsiderate.

Yours syphilitically

Angie Rowland (Spinster)

 

[Easy 10]

Nice one Hiney

 

[Lady Whistledown]

Why don't we have a competition to see who can get the most ludicrous letter published in the Argus?

A few good phrases to use, should you get stuck....

"I'm not prejudiced but..."[followed by outrageously prejudiced comment]

Alternatively "I've nothing against gays/immigrants/football fans/teenagers but"

"As someone who has paid taxes for 61 years, and fought for my country during the war...."

"It's political correctness gone mad"

"The people of this city do/do not want..." [followed by sweeping generalisation to that effect].

"I'm afraid to go outside these days, for fear of being mugged/stabbed or worse by the increasing yob culture"

 

[Norman Baker suck my lozenge]

I am frosty faced old c*nt who's fanny has healed up,
but do you think anyone from the council is interested?
no, are they hell,when I rang the 24 hr hotline they said they would not be sending anyone round with an aceteline cutter till Wednesday week,what do I pay my council tax for?
They spend it all on West Brom and this blasted pubic inquiry...

 

[ben andrews' girlfriend]

Last Wednesday my sister was visiting from Bristol, and I had planned to cook her a barbecue. To both our frustration and disappointment it rained the entire afternoon, and yet the previous day, a Tuesday, it had been warm and sunny.

Could someone please explain precisely what I pay my council tax for ? We are constantly reminded that Brighton is "The Place To Be", and yet now it seems I can't even cook a pork loin chop in the privacy of my own back garden without a seagull delving through my rubbish and double-parking in the disabled bay. The whole thing should have been pulled down years ago anyway, but I suppose there'd be an outcry from the "trendy liberals".

And have you seen the price of avocados in Waitrose lately ? Storm damage my eye.

Angela Rowland,
Brighton

Send it!!!!!

 

[Pevenseagull]

Dear Sirs or, I shudder to think, Madams (who should be at home raising their children or preparing an evening meal for their men folk),

Last Tuesday I was playing scrabble with my friends and was disgusted to find that proper nouns are not allowed. As a tax payer (and not a spounging layabout) I find this unacceptable.

I demand that this situation is rectified post haste or l shall be less inclined to produe my regular dosiers for the council detailing people using bicycles on cycle paths.

In addition I think it only fair that 'Angela' scores more highly than a mere 7.

 

[Pevenseagull]

Dear Sirs

I note that many other councils around the world have recently made steps to kill off/ starve/ blow up/ flood out the undesirable proliteriate from their neighbourhoods.

How long must we wait before this supposedly forward thinking council sees fit to do likewise?

I for one will not be holding my breath.

 

[Tom Hark Preston Park]

“What did you expect to see out of a Falmer village bedroom window? Sydney Opera House perhaps? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically across the plain…”

 

[HampshireSeagulls]

Sir,
My wife, Angela, and I have been regular readers of the Evening Argus, for many years, and throughout the years it has formed an important part of our daily routine.

Each day, my wife collects the newspaper from a shop close to our residence in order that I may enjoy reading it over my dinner before I leave for my Club in the evening. This allows her unfettered time to clean the house without inconveniencing me, and more importantly to press the newsprint using a hot iron to prevent the ink from staining my hands. It also gives the paper a pleasant crisp feel in the hand.

Of late, she has taken on some modern ideas regarding what she sees as unneccessary servitude, and no longer irons the paper for me. Whilst I recognise the importance of equality in the modern marriage, I cannot help but feel nostalgic for a time when women knew their place.

Might I ask whether or not it is possible to improve the paper stock and ink used in your fine publication in order that its appearance remains more in keeping with its reputation as a bastion of Middle England and my hands be spared the vulgarity of being smeared in ink. I am sure that as a result of these relatively minor changes on your part, my marriage will weather these difficult times.

I remain

Yours Faithfully

Victor Rowland (Mr)
Hove

 

[Yorkie]

Sir,
My wife, Angela, and I have been regular readers of the Evening Argus, for many years, and throughout the years it has formed an important part of our daily routine.

Each day, my wife collects the newspaper from a shop close to our residence in order that I may enjoy reading it over my dinner before I leave for my Club in the evening. This allows her unfettered time to clean the house without inconveniencing me, and more importantly to press the newsprint using a hot iron to prevent the ink from staining my hands. It also gives the paper a pleasant crisp feel in the hand.

Of late, she has taken on some modern ideas regarding what she sees as unneccessary servitude, and no longer irons the paper for me. Whilst I recognise the importance of equality in the modern marriage, I cannot help but feel nostalgic for a time when women knew their place.

Might I ask whether or not it is possible to improve the paper stock and ink used in your fine publication in order that its appearance remains more in keeping with its reputation as a bastion of Middle England and my hands be spared the vulgarity of being smeared in ink. I am sure that as a result of these relatively minor changes on your part, my marriage will weather these difficult times.

I remain

Yours Faithfully

Victor Rowland (Mr)
Hove

Read her letters. There is no Mr Rowland or likely to be

 

[HampshireSeagulls]

Read her letters. There is no Mr Rowland or likely to be

Precisely.....implying that Ms Rowland, as what appears to be a liberated feminist with her own opinions on everything, is a subjugated Stepford Wife could be enough to bring on a coronary!

 

[Ex-Staffs Gull]

I have nothing against people, but I feel that ,'speaking for the majority of people in Brighton and Hove', it is time these exhibitionists stopped being intimate in public. I find it outrageous that I only have to look out on my neighbours houses and if I put my spy glass to my eye (I like bird watching), to my horror I can see many a couple kissing, holding hands and talking in the full gaze of anyone who happens to glance through their windows. It's almost as bad as Childrens television!

Your disgustedly

Angie P Rowland

 

[Deleted User X18H]

Sir, I am writing to complain in the harshest tone possible realting to people blatantly walking around Brighton and Hove who are not from the area, every five minutes they are buying or leasing a property pushing house prices and rent up so young Brightononians and Hoveonians cannot afford a place to live in their own city, they also clog up the city and make it smell....................oh no sorry that's my view isn't it

 

[Everest]

I am totally perplexed by the number of seagulls that land in my garden. MY garden, I tell you. Not next door, not across the road, but in MY garden.

I have telephoned Brighton & Hove Council on numerous occasions about all the mess that these huge birds leave - dump juice, wrappers, twigs, used condoms. The condoms I can live with because I use them in my homemade soups, but the others are really annoying. The Council has told me that there is nothing they can do as they are wild animals. Wild animals my arse. Somebody has to be breeding them.

Angela Rowland
Hove

PS, sorry about the crayons, but I'm not allowed sharp objects.

 

[bhafc99]

Sir

As a long-time resident of Brighton, Hove and Brighton, I’ve lived in Hove and Brighton for a long time.

I therefore feel I speak for all residents of Arbroath in Scotland when I say that none of us want this ludicrous ‘Royal Pavilion’ monstrosity clogging up our town centre any more. I’ve personally asked every single person who’s ever lived here in the past four millennia this seven times each, and not one of them said anything to me. Whatever next: ‘pier’-like constructions extending into the sea?! Roofs on houses?

Was I ever given the chance to say whether or not I wanted roads to be used by cars and not salamanders from Asia Minor? I think not. And if my bins were emptied on a Friday and not a Tuesday then I wouldn't have been able to vote AT ALL since the 1946 general election. Hardly representational democratic community charging, is it Mr Kinnock?

All fair-minded citizens would undoubtedly vote against anyone being allowed out between the hours of 11:04 and 18:22, this time is precious and should be used for rose-pruning only.

Especially if these youngsters are of the coloured religion gang – I’m not a racialisamist, but something has to be done about Salt & Vinegar crisps being in green bags not blue ones: that’s an increase of 14% over seven years, but has my pension got more shiny coins in it than Elaine Maxted-Brown’s from number 17? Not last time I looked surreptiously under her tea cosy when she was downstairs warming her husband’s slippers it didn’t.

Yet the ‘trendy liberals’ and politically correctness gone mad junta who have taken over my local hairdressers insist we can’t have a small sherry before dinner. The further we go down this path, the more young people wearing ‘plimsolls’, as I believe they’re called, will take over the local mobile library for teddy boy parties.

This was a fine service until the war, and look it now – covered in purple velour and barely lukewarm on Bank Holidays. Is this what I pay my taxes for?

Yours truly,
Angela Rowlands