VIZ Letterbocks and Top Tips

[The Large One]

Post your faves here...

FOREIGNERS. Improve your English swearword vocabulary by dawdling aimlessly with your friends in front of the entrance to Oxford Circus tube station at 5.30pm every afternoon. Advanced linguists might like to try zig-zagging down the steps at a snail's pace while texting everyone back home.

 

[Selhurst Wonderland]

Climb onto your neighbour's roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He'll think his house is underwater.

 

[The-Libertine]

Save money on an expensive personalised car registration plate by changing your name to that of your existing plate.

Yours sincerely,

RPG 473 Y.

 

[seagullwedgee]

If you work as a stuntman, don't take all the risks yourself, pay someone to do the really dangerous bits for you.

 

[Selhurst Wonderland]

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

 

[Northstander]

FILL a whoopee cushion with brown sauce to make it look like the person who sat on it has followed through.

 

[The Large One]

Just in case Samantha Mumba comes round while the wife is out and demands a portion, here is the order I will do her in: arse, gob, arse. And if I have any left, I'll do the arse again.

 

[Nibble]

Sneak downstairs in the middle of the night and wrap all your cereal boxes together in cling film to mimic a Kellogs variety pack then place them on the table. When your wife comes down in the morning she will think she has arrived in the land of the giants.

 

[vegster]

To save wasting money on a Diary, simply get hold of a telephone directory and simply croos out the numbers of everyone who is not your friend to create your personal telephone number list.

 

[simon195]

to save bending down to pick up your post, affix a sq peice of wood under your letterbox...

also, to save time watching the news to find out what the weathers doing, just look out the window....

 

[Kumquat]

Think we should add roger's profanisaurus to the list as well. My fave is robocrap: a rumbling in the lower bowels than makes it clear you only have five seconds to comply

 

[Danny-Boy]

Just in case Samantha Mumba comes round while the wife is out and demands a portion, here is the order I will do her in: arse, gob, arse. And if I have any left, I'll do the arse again.

Who she?

I got a competition going in Viz once for the world's doortiest postage stamp.

 

[gripper stebson]

Dear Sir,

I don't know why Heather Mills campaigns so vigorously about landmines. After all she is only half as much at risk as the rest of us.

Yours

 

[Gazwag]

To save wasting money on a Diary, simply get hold of a telephone directory and simply croos out the numbers of everyone who is not your friend to create your personal telephone number list.

wouldnt you still need a diary though

 

[simon195]

oh, heres a good one, if your out one eve down the pub having a beers, and you feel quite hungry, dont wasre yer time and money queueing for a takeaway, just phone the misses up and get her to slide down the bannisters to warm some supper up

 

[house your seagull]

RACIST, convince people you're not racist but adding the line "I'm not being racist but" before making your racist comment

 

[fire&skill]

Save money on expensive air conditioning in your car by only buying vehicles that have been involved in fatal crashes. That way, the ghosts will keep you cool.

 

[Hungry Joe]

Stop bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water

 

[alan partridge]

My favourite sexual fantasy is to be tossed off by Jeremy Beadle with his deformed hand whilst 70s novelty popsters The Wurzles sit around watching, occassionally moaning 'Oo-aaaaar' to heighten the erotic ambiance. Can any of your readers beat that?

N.N.
North Yorkshire

 

[Alonso Moseley]

Does anyone else have this problem ? Every time I close my fridge door the light goes out. Bloody swizz.