Short joke thread

[terry1]

A guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken. The waiter says that there's nothin' special... we just flat out tell' em they're gonna die...

 

[Lady Whistledown]

What's the definition of suspicious?

Two nuns doing press-ups in a cucumber field.

 

[Pumba04]

how does Mickey Mouse tell the time

on his Wayne Rooney wrist watch

 

[Amahwrang]

Why are there no asprins in the jungle









cos Paracetamol

 

[Twinkle Toes]

What do baby Apes sleep in?

Apricots.

 

[pasty]

Do you want to hear a dirty joke?

A boy fell in a muddy puddle

Do you want hear a clean one?

He had a bath

Do you want to hear a funny one?

He fell in the puddle again

 

[Seagull27]

What do you call a monkey in a minefield?

A baBOOM!

 

[Seaber]

A horse walks into a bar.

"Why the long face?" the barman asks.

The horse says, "My wife has cancer."

 

[Titanic]

A man goes into the doctor's.

"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bum."

"How's that?"

"Don't you start!"

 

[OzMike]

What's round, white and giggles?



A tickled onion!

 

[OzMike]

Why do elephants have big ears?




'cos Noddy won't pay the ransom!

 

[OzMike]

Two pieces of black tarmac were causing havoc in a bar, when a red piece walks in they sit down very quietly out of the way.
Then one went up to the bar and said to the landlord, 'watch him, he's a cycle path!'

 

[Falkor]

I've designed a new Kings of Leon smoke alarm.

Instead of just beeeping it goes....

Wooooohhhhoooooooooo, your house is on fire.

 

[Surrey_Albion]

Whats orange and sounds like a Parrot?


A Carrot

 

[Publius Ovidius]

Dentist: 'Say Aaah.'
Patient: 'Why?'
Dentist: 'My dog's died."

tommy cooper at his best

 

[Barrel of Fun]

What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
















Dr Dre

 

[Manx Shearwater]

What sort of bees produce milk?







Boo-Bees.

 

[Guy Fawkes]

What's the definition of embarrassment?
- Walking into a wall with a hard on and banging your nose

 

[Guy Fawkes]

Why did the elephant paint his balls red?
- To hide in a cherry tree

Whats the loudest nose in the jungle?
- A giraffe eating cherries

 

[Seagull1967]

What is the definition of agony?

An elephany sliding down a razor blade using its balls as brakes.