Post your England Jokes Here

[mcshane in the 79th]

Got a text the other day, can't remember exactly but something along the lines of:

New Oxo cube released. Is white with a red cross. Called a "laughing stock"

That must be pretty ancient

 

[Herr Tubthumper]

Got a text the other day, can't remember exactly but something along the lines of:

New Oxo cube released. Is white with a red cross. Called a "laughing stock"

That must be pretty ancient

This one is ancient as well but it always makes me chuckle:

"What's the difference between England and a bucket of shit?"

"The bucket"

 

[Gazwag]

The papers said Endland played like a team of old grannies against USA, no wonder Rooney couldn't control the ball against Algeria, have you ever tried to play football with a permanent hard on.

 

[Twinkle Toes]

Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" To which the old lady replied, "No way. You got yourself into this f***ing mess, don't ask me to sort it out..."

 

[Twinkle Toes]

What's the difference between a faulty jet engine and Wayne Rooney?

The jet engine eventually stops whining.

 

[Guy Fawkes]

The Sultan of Brunei was getting a bit cheesed off as he had 6 children, all girls, and therefore had no son and heir. Imagine his joy then, when one of his wives presented him with his only son and heir.

Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side and said, "Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you". His son replied, "Daddy, I would like an aeroplane".

Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him British Airways. Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan took him to one side.

"Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat".

Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him P&O Ferries. Just before his son's eight birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like something to watch films on".

Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him MGM Studios and their cinemas, where he watched all his favourite Western Movies. Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son, who had caught the 'Western' movie bug, replied, "Daddy, I would like a cowboy outfit". Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father went and bought him the England football team.

 

[Guy Fawkes]

Fabio Capello told Wayne Rooney to have a long look at himself in the mirror. Like that's going to improve his confidence.

The FA have launched an inquiry to find out how a fan found his way into the dressing room. And another enquiry into how Aaron Lennon found his way into the dressing room.

 

[Franks Wild Years]

England team went to visit an orphanage in South Africa this morning."it's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope,constantly struggling and facing the impossible" said Jamal Umboto,aged 6.

 

[Guy Fawkes]

England team went to visit an orphanage in South Africa this morning."it's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope,constantly struggling and facing the impossible" said Jamal Umboto,aged 6.

:cough: :cough: post number 11 :cough:

 

[seagullsoverlincoln]

south africa police have been concerned about drug dealers,thieves and drug fiends
during the world cup.

A spokesman announced that things should improve when John Terry and his family go home

 

[Gav1901]

Robert Green

The only man to leave Africa with out catching anything .

 

[Lord Bracknell]

Number 1 is Robert Green
Number 2 is Robert Green
Number 3 is Robert Green
Number 4 is Robert Green
Number 5 is Robert Green
Number 6 is Robert Green
Number 7 is Robert Green
Number 8 is Robert Green
Number 9 is Robert Green
Number 10 is Robert Green
Number 11 is Robert Green
Number 12 is Robert Green
Number 13 is Robert Green
Number 14 is Robert Green
Number 15 is Robert Green
Number 16 is Robert Green
Number 17 is Robert Green
Number 18 is Robert Green
Number 19 is Robert Green
Number 20 is Robert Green
Number 21 is Robert Green
Number 22 is Robert Green
Number 23 is Robert Green

 

[Guy Fawkes]

Three hours of football and Robert Green is still England's top scorer.

 

[Bean]

What's the difference between Rob Green and Justin Bieber?

Rob Green knows how to drop his balls.

 

[simon195]

crapello has decided that a female should be the next england goalkeeper, because no matter how wide they open, balls dont go in

well one thing, if england do win the world cup, f sake dont let green hold the trophy

 

[HAILSHAM SEAGULL]

Bloke walks into a brothel and says, "I'm a bit kinky, how much is total humiliation?"
The Madam replies "£37.50"
"Wow" he says, "What do I get for that?"
he Madam says "A f***ing England football shirt"

 

[Sheebo]

Loyal support as always on nsc... Biggest joke of all

 

[Sweeney Todd]

In future, England games will be shown on the Gay Channel, as ITV and BBC no longer want to show eleven arseholes getting hammered for ninety minutes.

 

[tottenhamseagull]

Whats the difference between the England team and Viagra? Viagra will get you past a semi.

 

[Brovion]

I was in the pub watching the Algeria game and there was this bloke in there with a dog. After the game the bloke turned to his dog and said "What did you think of that then?" and the the dog replied "I thought we were absolute rubbish". He could see me staring at him, after all it's not every day you come across a talking dog, and he said "Yeah, he always says that when England play badly."
"Blimey", I said, "What does he say when we play well?"
"Dunno," replied the bloke, "I've only had him forty four years."


Sorry sheebo! I'm with you really!