Office Buzzwords

[Blackadder]

Anyone else hate the number of American buzzwords coming into the work place?

My particular hate is "Heads Up". Quite often when you advise a colleague of a forthcoming event you get the reply "Thanks for the Heads up!"

THANKS FOR THE WHAT?

I also dislike the "Bigger Picture" and "thinking outside of the box"

 

[Trufflehound]

I think you're demonstrating some fine "blue-sky thinking" there.

 

[Tony Meolas Loan Spell]

But to be fair he needs a landing or platform for his thought grenade...I prefer to take a helicopter view of such matters.

 

[Blackadder]

I hear what you are saying guys. Basically I want a "Win/Win" Situation.

 

[Common as Mook]

"FYI" in emails gets RIGHT on my tits.

 

[Napper]

Anyone else hate the number of American buzzwords coming into the work place?

My particular hate is "Heads Up". Quite often when you advise a colleague of a forthcoming event you get the reply "Thanks for the Heads up!"

THANKS FOR THE WHAT?

I also dislike the "Bigger Picture" and "thinking outside of the box"

that is spot on , i absolutely hate "heads up" , seems every idiot in my office has caught this as I hear it several times a day

 

[scooter1]

Synergy, Methodology - to name but 2 words I hear far too often. I heard someone use methodology in the pub on Friday night!! Now, the pub is no place for either work talk, or buzzword bollocks......

 

[Easy 10]

Lets just run this up the flagpole and see who salutes.

 

[Seagullible]

Lets just run this up the flagpole and see who salutes.

'thanks, you rock'

 

[Dover]

There's no I in TEAM.

There may not be, but you can see the word ME.

 

[withdeanwombat]

bollocks......

and there's another one.

What on earth is it supposed to mean?

 

[Gazwag]

"I wanted to touch base with you" and I do get annoyed hearing "Not being rude but..." and those people who when you ring them they say "Good morning, it is still morning isn't it ?" suggesting that they are so busy, when you know for a fact they are not

 

[Gully]

The favourite one in the organisation I have just left was "dick dance". What this meant was there was an issue that involved many different departments, this had a number of solutions but none suited all and everyone was trying to get backing from their management chain for their idea.

In the end the winner would be the person who secured backing from the highest level. This was preceded by the "dick dance", where everyone made their move and let the others know how far up they had secured backing for their particular plan.

 

[NMH]

Darn tootin' limeys, this thread is radical, and your far-out website is really cookin' !

 

[The Clown of Pevensey Bay]

There's a thread about this every fortnight on NSC. But I still hate people who say "going forward", as in "we aim to decrease our overheads going forward".

Just say "in the future". It makes you sound less of a ****.

 

[Trufflehound]

Never mind the Buzzwords... Where's the sex, peoples?

 

[NMH]

Big 10/4 to this righteous thread, we can talk about it 24/7, then look back when hindsight is 20/20.
For real.
Gimme 5 on that, dude, I ain't lyin' or whistlin' Dixie.
A-men

 

[Heffle Gull]

Buzz Word Bingo is the answer.

Shall we have a "Brown Bag" meeting to discuss?

 

[hart's shirt]

BLAMESTORMING Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

CHAINSAW CONSULTANT An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

CUBE FARM An office filled with cubicles.

MOUSE POTATO The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

PRAIRIE DOGGING When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

SITCOMs (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

STARTER MARRIAGE A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

STRESS PUPPY A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

SWIPED OUT An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

TOURISTS People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."

TREEWARE Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

XEROX SUBSIDY Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

CHIPS & SALSA Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again. (Try not to dent the case.)

SALMON DAY The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get scr*wed and die in the end.

CLM (Career Limiting Move) Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

ADMINISPHERE The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

DILBERTED To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been Dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."

404 Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him ... he's 404, man."

 

[Caveman]

"FYI" in emails gets RIGHT on my tits.

FYI, an old one but a goodie...



Eagles may soar high, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

There may be no 'I' in team, but there's a 'ME' if you look hard enough.

Process and Procedure are the last hiding place of people without the wit and wisdom to do their job properly.

Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability.

Never do today that which will become someone else’s responsibility tomorrow.

Every time you open your mouth you have this wonderful ability to continually confirm what I think.

Show me a good loser and I'll show you a LOSER!

Put the key of despair into the lock of apathy. Turn the knob of mediocrity slowly and open the gates of despondency - welcome to a day in the average office.

It's the team that matters. Where would The Beatles be without Ringo? If John got Yoko to play drums the history of music would be completely different.

What does a squirrel do in the summer? It buries nuts. Why? Cos then in wintertime he's got something to eat and he won't die. So, collecting nuts in the summer is worthwhile work. Every task you do at work, think: would a squirrel do that? Think squirrels. Think nuts.

A successful team is paramount. Our office team mirrors the success of Arsenal football team, but with fewer foreigners.

When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, how would the Lone Ranger handle this?

If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation.

You don't have to be mad to work here, in fact we ask you to complete a medical questionnaire to ensure that you are not.

If you treat the people around you with love and respect, they will never guess that you're trying to get them sacked.

If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.

You have to be 100% behind someone before you can stab them in the back.

If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.

Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.

There's no 'I' in 'team'. But then there's no 'I' in 'useless smug colleague', either. And there are four in 'platitude-quoting idiot'. Go figure.

Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.

Know your limitations and be content with them. Too much ambition results in promotion to a job you can't do.

Make good use of your cylindrical filing unit, the one you mainly keep under your desk.

Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots.

If you're gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes - make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast.

Remember the 3 golden rules:

1. It was like that when I got here.
2. I didn't do it.
3. (To your Boss) I like your style.

The office is like an army, and I'm the field general. You're my foot soldiers and customer quality is the WAR!!!

Set out to leave the first vapour trail in the blue-sky scenario.

Statistics are like a lamppost to a drunken man - more for leaning on than illumination.

A problem shared is a problem halved, so is your problem really yours or just half of someone else’s?

Is your work done? Are all pigs fed, watered and ready to fly...?

You don't have to be mad to work here, but you do have to be on time, well presented, a team player, customer service focused and sober!

I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some b*stard with a torch, bringing me more work.

Avoid employing unlucky people - throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.