Leaving Your Wife

[Hornblower]

I've got a good friend who is thinking that he will have to leave his wife after 20 years marriage and three kids. For many months they haven't been getting on and he doesn't think he can take it much longer. His kids are all teenagers and pretty much independent but they are becoming more and more unhappy about the constant rows and bad atmosphere. He tells me that there are no other people involved but he is scared of ending up lonely and broke in a bed-sit.

I don't know what to say to him.

Anyone out there with any real experience here?

Some helpful stuff in amongst the inevitable wisecracks would be appreciated.

 

[Les Biehn]

Marriage counselling could be one option. I know a couple of couples who have been put back on the straight and narrow using this method.

 

[Common as Mook]

A 'friend'?

 

[Barrel of Fun]

Without knowing much of the details, I would think that it would be foolish to make a run for it without some form of counselling or serious soul searching between the both of them. It may be a case that they have forgotten how to be with each other, having spent the last 18 years or so with the children being the big priority. Once you get stuck in your ways, change is often an unwelcome occurrence. Considering they have been together for so long and had children together, it is worth exploring every avenue possible. Sometimes it is too late to go back on a decision.

Having said that, it would not be wise to stick around as he is scared of being lonely. Moving out could be the making of them both. Life is too short to be fearful of the unknown - To be bold is to accomplish.

 

[Buzzer]

I've got a good friend who is thinking that he will have to leave his wife after 20 years marriage and three kids. For many months they haven't been getting on and he doesn't think he can take it much longer. His kids are all teenagers and pretty much independent but they are becoming more and more unhappy about the constant rows and bad atmosphere. He tells me that there are no other people involved but he is scared of ending up lonely and broke in a bed-sit.

I don't know what to say to him.

Anyone out there with any real experience here?

Some helpful stuff in amongst the inevitable wisecracks would be appreciated.

In my experience - he'll have 2 years of hell but feel much better at the end of it. Both of them have got to go to Relate and be totally totally honest.

Practical tips:

• go to the gym. Keeps the body active and helps stop depression
• Take up a new hobby. I started going regularly to the Albion again
• Spend time with the children separately
• Avoid the blame game (esp. in front of children)
• Don't move out until you're ready and you are sure that the place you are moving into is okay (and big enough)
• Get your finances sorted and expect to spend a lot of money over the next 6 months on going out, solicitors, mediation
• Make sure you know who your friends are - the ones you can phone at 3 in the morning when you feel like you can't take anymore
• Expect to lose some friends and find some very good friends in unexpected circumstances
• If you can, tell work. They will be much more sympathetic to your plight
• Try and take a quiet holiday with a mate or brother.

As for you as his friend - be empathetic rsther than sympathetic. He needs to know when he's being a dickhead and when he's being unreasonable. And tell him that you're there for him whatever and whenever. Don't assume he'll know that.

and I really mean this - hope that helps.

 

[The Wookiee]

Do it !!

He wil be a new man !!!

 

[Franks Wild Years]

If all else fails, move in next door to Adrie and indulge in the heady world of exotic ladies from around the world.

 

[tedebear]

Have they got enough money for a holiday? Sometimes going somewhere completely different makes you see other things you hadn't thought of...

Also maybe a short separation would be better than a permanent split? Does he have a mate he could spend a few nights with - just for a break and clear the head? Might find they miss each other or might find its the right thing?

 

[Hiney]

Try and get them to go to Relate, as others have said.

If this has been going on for that long, they probably don't really know what they're arguing about!

The people at Relate are brilliant.

 

[Blackadder]

He tells me that there are no other people involved but he is scared of ending up lonely and broke in a bed-sit.

That's the problem. I don't know your friend's circumstances but after 20 years, a lot of people have broken the back of their mortgage. It must be a heck of a wrench to move out and start all over again.

 

[Hornblower]

Thanks for all the helpfull stuff.

I will try and get him and his wife to attend Relate.

Best wishes to all.

 

[tedebear]

Try and get them to go to Relate, as others have said.

If this has been going on for that long, they probably don't really know what they're arguing about!

The people at Relate are brilliant.

They are brilliant - but I wasn't allowed to talk at these sessions by my then partner - he kep answering questions for me...so often times its better to attend counselling on your own - if at all possible (owing to the temprement of the other partner)....

 

[Bevendean Hillbilly]

In my experience - he'll have 2 years of hell but feel much better at the end of it. Both of them have got to go to Relate and be totally totally honest.

Practical tips:

• go to the gym. Keeps the body active and helps stop depression
• Take up a new hobby. I started going regularly to the Albion again
• Spend time with the children separately
• Avoid the blame game (esp. in front of children)
• Don't move out until you're ready and you are sure that the place you are moving into is okay (and big enough)
• Get your finances sorted and expect to spend a lot of money over the next 6 months on going out, solicitors, mediation
• Make sure you know who your friends are - the ones you can phone at 3 in the morning when you feel like you can't take anymore
• Expect to lose some friends and find some very good friends in unexpected circumstances
• If you can, tell work. They will be much more sympathetic to your plight
• Try and take a quiet holiday with a mate or brother.

As for you as his friend - be empathetic rsther than sympathetic. He needs to know when he's being a dickhead and when he's being unreasonable. And tell him that you're there for him whatever and whenever. Don't assume he'll know that.

and I really mean this - hope that helps.

All of the above.

My own situation is pretty much the same as the thread starters mate.

After years of souless boring tedium where I was like a walk on bit part Husband I decided I had had enough and shipped out.

To be honest the first few months were Hell, I was isolated in a new county, on my own and was drinking too much and all sorts of nonsense.

After a bit, things improved, I stopped worrying about losing my relationship with my son, I worked out a way to keep in contact with the wife without having a ding dong every time, and gradually as she became more independent without sitting around on her arse waiting for me to do everything, she realised that both of us were bad for each other.

Right so fast forward, I now have a new relationship but am still friendly with my ex, have a class relationship with my lad, and everything has sorted itself out.

I agree that relate can help, but do think that both of you have to really want to be together somewhere deep down, for me I was so miserable and trapped I don't reckon it would have worked long term.

Whatever he does he must keep being upfront so his kids know he is still there for them no matter what, he must'nt alienate them.

Action this day!

 

[Franks Wild Years]

On a serious note, in the last couple of weeks 2 friends and a friend of friend have split up. In each case it was brought on by the kids doing their gcse's and all the talk of college etc. It does seem that some couples stay together because of the kids and once they are gone they realise they don't have much in common anymore. Its a bit sad really.
Hope your mate sorts himself out. NSC more than just a football chatroom.

 

[Man of Harveys]

Another thing: reassure your friend just how much utterly fantastic fanny is currently going unprodded out there. It really is extraordinary. Cheers.

 

[nwgull]

how sure is he that there is no one else involved? from my own expereince, if his wife has started becoming constantly argumentative, it could be a sign that she is playing away.

 

[Hornblower]

how sure is he that there is no one else involved? from my own expereince, if his wife has started becoming constantly argumentative, it could be a sign that she is playing away.

He's sure

 

[Les Biehn]

He should slap her about a bit. Either she will toe the line through fear or if she's a bit kinky she may enjoy it and it will improve their marriage.

 

[British Bulldog]

If a bloke does leave his wife and kids he has to do so being prepared to accept that his wife may meet someone else who could eventually take his place in the family home. If you cant accept that then there's still something worth fighting for in your marriage.

 

[The Wookiee]

He wont believe the relief once he gets rid of her.
He will once again be the happy man he once was.