Joke Du Jour

[HAILSHAM SEAGULL]

I saw a Crystal Palarse fan lying unconscious in my street yesterday.
I tried doing the hand-only CPR, the way Vinnie Jones showed me on the British Heart Foundation advert, but by the time I found my Bee Gees CD, The Bastard was already dead

 

[Manx Shearwater]

Your CD collection was in the street as well?

It doesn't make sense.

 

[mistahclarke]

Don't you have a smart-phone?

It's an easy tune to remember....... I feel sad that you let the poor person die. :-(

 

[Woodchip]

Why didn't you just hum it? How do you know he was a palace fan? Was he wearing a football shirt?

Sent by the power of squirrel poo

 

[mistahclarke]

I really feel that if you did it to the tune of "glad all over" it may have saved his life

 

[sydney]

you should have just sung " you're going home in a f***ing ambulance " and walked away , it's a win /win situation as far as i can see.

 

[chucky1973]

he may have had kids.....how must they feel now

 

[sydney]

embryonic...?

 

[Amahwrang]

he may have had kids.....how must they feel now

Relieved!

 

[Seagull kimchi]

How much was in his wallet?

 

[HAILSHAM SEAGULL]

Just 2 Groupon vouchers

 

[surrey jim]

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says "Darling, as this is such a special occasion I think that it is time I made a confession.

Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years"

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says "My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit"

She said "I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played for London Irish!"

 

[Mutts Nuts]

A very loud, greasy, unattractive, tattooed, welfare dependent, chav woman wearing a Palace top walked into ASDA in Croydon with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The ASDA greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning madam, and welcome to ASDA. Nice children you have there. Are they twins by any chance?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'F*ck no, they're not twins. The oldest one is 9, and the other ones 7.
Why the f*ck would you think they're twins? Are you blind, thick or just stupid?'

'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam.' replied the greeter. 'I just
couldn't believe you've been fcuked twice
Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at ASDA.'

 

[Gregory2Smith1]

did you here about the irishman

couldn't work out why he only had one brother,but he's sister has two

 

[Superphil]

Nick Clegg walked into a branch of HSBC to cash a cheque. As he approached the cashier he said "Good morning , could you please cash this cheque for me"?

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

Clegg: "Well I didn’t bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Nick Clegg, the Deputy Prime Minister!!!"

Cashier: "I’m sorry, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc. I must insist on proof of identity."

Clegg: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry Deputy Prime Minister but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Clegg: "I need this cheque cashed."

Cashier: "Perhaps there’s another way: One day Colin Montgomery came into the bank without ID.
To prove he was Colin Montgomery he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup.

With that shot we knew him to be Colin Montgomery and cashed his cheque.

Another time, Andy Murray came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. After that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque

So sir, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the Deputy Prime Minister?"

Clegg stood there thinking and finally says: "Honestly, I can't think of a single thing I'm any good at."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes, deputy Prime Minister?"

 

[arich]

Wife’s Diary:



Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, ‘Nothing.’ I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can’t explain his behaviour I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’ When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.







Husband’s Diary:

A five putt; who the f*** five putts?!

 

[Slippery Seagull]

My wife came in while I was watching the football highlights she said, "Awww, is this the Paralympics?"

I said, "No, it's Palace."

 

[DanielT]

I saw 2 kids in Palace shirts playing football with a hedgehog this morning. I was going to call the RSPCA, but then the hedgehog went 1-0 up!

 

[seagullwedgee]

And whats the difference between a hedgehog and Selhurst Park?

A hedgehog has all the pricks on the outside.

 

[Bwian]

Duggie F has introduced new training ideas at Payless. He sets up garden gnomes for his players to dribble around. When asked how it was going he replied "Really good, on the first day they only beat us 3 nil".

Yes, I know, it's old.