I need some help and advice - really no idea what to do

[Digweeds Trousers]

Sorry to be throwing open personal things to the NSC sages but I really do need some help.

I split up with a fiancee just under a year ago - wedding cancelled etc and moved up to Surrey near work and started trying to build things again. We did not keep in contact really but over the course of the year we occasionally spoke and met once or twice for lunch.

The real issue so she said was that there was not enough attraction and that she wanted to move away from her home town and live in London having recently got a job with a Investment Bank - things were kind of on the up for her.

I then got a text in late october from her asking if she wanted to meet for dinner one evening. I thought that it was just a catch up, how are you etc so agreed as I had no problem in seeing her.

We met and after about an hour I sensed there was something that she was trying to say and asked her outright - why did you want to meet. She started crying and said that for months she had been realising that she had made a mistake - that everytime she thought of the future she saw me in it - I was pretty taken aback but realised that I still had real feelings for her.

I said to her that she had to be sure - it was not simply a case of just going back to how things were as things had changed - I lived 80 miles away etc and had been in the States for quite a few weeks and that was likely to happen again - she said that was no problem.

Over the ensuing weeks we met at weekends and had meals together etc and the more we saw each other the more intense she became - she talked about babies, she wanted a family with me and that things would be fantastic.

Before we had met up again she had been invited by her parents to go skiing in the US and we considered me going along for a long weekend - in the end we decided it was too much pressure too soon.

She said that she loved me blah blah blah - and then on Boxing day I got a text from her saying that she did not love me as much as she felt she should.

On her return she e-mailed me explaining that she needed to feel 'insecure' and treated with more contempt to be really attracted to someone.

In all ways I was perfect and it really annoyed her but that in the long run she thought that I would always have deeper feelings for her than she for me.

At 35 I am so angry that I have allowed myself to get stung again by the same person - how can someone talk about babies and a family in one sentance and then say that they need to feel insecure - what the f***??!!

Is it a complete waste of time to try and analyse a womans mind, is she a complete lunatic, or am I just too much of a twat by thinking the best of someones words, taking them on face value and then looking like a berk when I get stung like this?

Any advice gratefully received.

 

[Titanic]

Don't ask me mate.. I've been married for 20 years... no idea at all what women think or want.

Hopefully someone with their finger on the pulse will be able to help you.

Good luck.

 

[Uncle Spielberg]

Sounds like a typical woman to me.

 

[Brighton Breezy]

I think the real issue here is why on EARTH would you leave Sussex for SURREY?

 

[Uncle Spielberg]

Seriously though it sounds like she has real self esteem issues, either that or she is a looney tunes.

 

[Uncle Spielberg]

Some women actually get off on being treated badly, the nice guy, sweet guy is not what they want, ultimately she will end up lonely and sad.

 

[Uncle Spielberg]

Move on and do no take any more of her calls.

 

[Stinkers Bridge]

Have you tried turning her off and on again ?

 

[Billy the Fish]

Sounds like a typical woman to me.

I wouldn't say typical but there are many like it. I had an on/off girlfriend like that, we got on really well, always had a good time togeather but she said I was too nice to her. It wrecked my head for a while but you just have to accept that some women are like that, a way of looking at it is that they need to be the 'chaser'. My one was also a complete drama queen, in fact I don't think she was ever happy if there wasn't some kind of drama or upset going on. It's a shame because beneath the mentalism she was a really nice person. I'm glad I got that one out of the way early though, it won't happen again.

 

[Gluteus Maximus]

Have you tried turning her off and on again ?

I think that is exactly what he did....

P.S. She's a NUTTER.

 

[Icy Gull]

A classic case of "you're too nice for someone like me" I fear. Walk away however hard that might be...the next step will be "I love you but I'm not IN love with you"

 

[Les Biehn]

Is it a complete waste of time to try and analyse a womans mind, is she a complete lunatic, or am I just too much of a twat by thinking the best of someones words, taking them on face value and then looking like a berk when I get stung like this?

I know exactly what you mean by this. I am not particularly good at relationships because I can't do the whole game playing. For me, like you, it is simple, people say what they mean, you take them at face value and be honest.

I don't think you're a twat, if anything you sound like a decent bloke. I've had some bird messing me about for a couple of months because she can't make up her mind and then texts me a on New Years day to tell me she broke her all time pulling record last night. I would ask why she would think I would want to know that but that's not what it's about, it's game playing and manipulation. She feels like shit and wants to get a reaction from me as reassurance.

In all honesty Digweed I would say have nothing to do with her but I know it's not as easy as that. If you have the will power I woul cut her out if I were you.

 

[Les Biehn]

I wouldn't say typical but there are many like it. I had an on/off girlfriend like that, we got on really well, always had a good time togeather but she said I was too nice to her. It wrecked my head for a while but you just have to accept that some women are like that, a way of looking at it is that they need to be the 'chaser'. My one was also a complete drama queen, in fact I don't think she was ever happy if there wasn't some kind of drama or upset going on. It's a shame because beneath the mentalism she was a really nice person. I'm glad I got that one out of the way early though, it won't happen again.

That pretty accurately describes nearly all my girlfriends.

 

[Brovion]

She's emotionally immature, a bit like a spoilt child. Kids often crave a new toy. They go on and on about it, then they finally get it for a birthday or Christmas present or whatever. They think it's absolutely brilliant, they play with it for a bit; then guess what? They get bored with it and want something else.

She's been like that with you. She really wanted the new job in the investment bank. She dumped her old toy (you) and got it. Then I'm guessing she found that it wasn't as totally brilliant as she thought, so she wants something else. You became a 'new toy' again, and she did really want you, I think she was sincere about that - at the time. Now, guess what; now she's got you she's bored again and wants to play with something else.

You didn't say how old she is, but if she's in her twenties she'll keep this 'new toy' behaviour up until her body clock wins out and she'll settle down with the first/next bloke who offers committment. Do you want to wait around? If so keep her at arms length but don't break of all contact. If you've had enough - well you know what to do.

 

[Lord Bracknell]

She's probably met someone else.

She'll be back, knocking on your door at about Easter.

 

[Stumpy Tim]

Women are just very different to us proper human beings. Read Men are From Mars Women are from Venus. Best book written EVER. FACT

 

[itszamora]

I know exactly what you mean by this. I am not particularly good at relationships because I can't do the whole game playing. For me, like you, it is simple, people say what they mean, you take them at face value and be honest.

I don't think you're a twat, if anything you sound like a decent bloke. I've had some bird messing me about for a couple of months because she can't make up her mind and then texts me a on New Years day to tell me she broke her all time pulling record last night. I would ask why she would think I would want to know that but that's not what it's about, it's game playing and manipulation. She feels like shit and wants to get a reaction from me as reassurance.

In all honesty Digweed I would say have nothing to do with her but I know it's not as easy as that. If you have the will power I woul cut her out if I were you.

Yep, all this sounds very accurate. as Les says, from the outside the best thing to do seems to be to get rid but that's often much easier to say than do. She sounds like an absolute headcase frankly.

 

[NMH]

Sorry to tell you this DT, but you'll have to accept cold hard facts and not the ones you WANT to believe.

Fact - this woman cannot make her mind up. The man is head of relationships, because he can and will make decisions, so many times, women cannot.
You certainly DON'T want to be married with a woman wherein your marriage depends on the tidal nature of her moronic indecisiveness.
That you were readily available to go back into a monogamous relationship with this person, was a mistake (as has been proved).

However, too late for inquest now;
Get on with your life, and don't even be available, or hope for anything to come out of this other person. If it calls, tell it you are too busy right now. If you have caller id (recommended) or an answering machine, don't pick up, don't call back, and don't give any importance or time to anything she says.
If you get any call late at night or early morning - either don't answer, or if you do - be vague, distant, and tell her you "can't talk right now". She might ask "why not?" A cheek, to even ask such a stupid question and feel it is still her business!
You "just can't, goodbye" and don't make a time for when you CAN talk (and even if you do, don't keep that date)

Basically, you do not want to be a yo-yo, not emotionally influenced by some distant idiot.
She is certain to call you or relate back to you, but in your real world, the correct response is be unavailable (she is no longer earning or deserving of your friendship), and if she 'catches' you on the phone - convey that exact feeling back to her. Unavailable. (FAR better to chuck that SIMcard, than have your days influenced by text messages or calls on a mobile!)

Lads, any one of us would be vilified, horribly and scathingly berated and demon-ised if we sent a freakin' TEXT message breaking up with a woman, or telling her THAT sort of stuff, above. You'd be 'scum of the earth' for it, yet ...it's alright to have that done to you??

No no no, that's NOT ON, Digweeds, and she deserves nothing - not even a friendly chat from you. Don't bother with vitriol or anger, that is only emotional heat, and you ought to be pretty bloody cold towards this person.

Note;
IF you are really in trouble here, and need to study the precepts of an ancient scribe, the true expert on this whole subject, then I'll strongly advise you amuse yourself with Ovid - who's chapter on this very subject is to be found here.
Ovid is recommended reading for all imho, whatever situations you are found in. (He has many other chapters on Love, not just the cures for it!)

http://www.sacred-texts.com/cla/ovid/lboo/lboo61.htm

 

[NMH]

P.S. they say that hope is the last thing to die, and really DT, you ought to channel your hope into other people, and other concerns. As marvellous as you 'might' think this woman is or was, there really ARE (in the words of that well-worn phrase) plenty of fish in the sea!

 

[Les Biehn]

I agree with a lot of what NMH says there.

I look at all my close mates and can quite easily say that out of the 6 of them 2 have found decent birds worth keeping and the other 4 while having recently gone out with girls 1 has a tendency to treat them a bit shitty while the other 3 have been f***ed around continuously, usually by the same girl (that's not one girl, each respective ex). Add myself into the mix and that's a 4-1 ratio of girls f***ing blokes around.