Followed through....

[Man of Harveys]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Followed through....

They all thought I had asked for a pay rise!!!!!!

And did you? What did the manager of the Whitgift Centre McDonalds say?

 

[Meade's Ball]

When i woke in hospital, as i am sure i have said before, after the initial 20 minutes of unstoppable screams, i shit the bed after 10 days without a single dropped pellet. A vast, stenchful, gremlinesque hound. The nurses began to scream, apparently, and none would wash my now shitty body. My brother had to drag me to a shower and wash the self-filth from my body.

A few days later, after being awake and almost alive in some way, i went to the toilet. I had no idea what a poo was, but the word appeared in my head. I had to think about it for a moment or two and then considered, when i knew again what one probably was, how they are made and where they came from. I looked down and saw that i'd just done one on the floor. One thing that hadn;t died in me was a certain embarassment, so i got down on my one working knee and tried to wipe this bronze, sceptical ball of doom from the floor. Of course, i had a broken shoulder, so could only wipe with my slightly movable arm. I thought it best to go back to bed and not tell anyone what had happened. My girlfriend noticed the big smear of poop on my naked legs and a few blobs on my shirt. I didn't work well enough to find a neat lie, so a shower and an apology followed in it's place.

 

[Titanic]

When i woke in hospital, as i am sure i have said before, after the initial 20 minutes of unstoppable screams, i shit the bed after 10 days without a single dropped pellet. A vast, stenchful, gremlinesque hound. The nurses began to scream, apparently, and none would wash my now shitty body. My brother had to drag me to a shower and wash the self-filth from my body.

A few days later, after being awake and almost alive in some way, i went to the toilet. I had no idea what a poo was, but the word appeared in my head. I had to think about it for a moment or two and then considered, when i knew again what one probably was, how they are made and where they came from. I looked down and saw that i'd just done one on the floor. One thing that hadn;t died in me was a certain embarassment, so i got down on my one working knee and tried to wipe this bronze, sceptical ball of doom from the floor. Of course, i had a broken shoulder, so could only wipe with my slightly movable arm. I thought it best to go back to bed and not tell anyone what had happened. My girlfriend noticed the big smear of poop on my naked legs and a few blobs on my shirt. I didn't work well enough to find a neat lie, so a shower and an apology followed in it's place.

You poor sod - that sounds grim, especially the vast, stenchful, gremlinesque hound.

 

[Muhammed - I’m hard - Bruce Lee]

its runny and its brown
and it stops you sitting down
diarrhoea diarrhoea

 

[Meade's Ball]

You poor sod - that sounds grim, especially the vast, stenchful, gremlinesque hound.

I had no sense of smell or nervous system, so i was absolutely fine.
The pity should be sent to the nurses and my brother for having to flick my cacky balls clean.

 

[Titanic]

I had no sense of smell or nervous system, so i was absolutely fine.
The pity should be sent to the nurses and my brother for having to flick my cacky balls clean.

Indeed, nurses deserve every bit or sympathy and/or gratitude we can muster. Meade's cacky Balls do sound particularly horrific.

 

[Spunk Bubble]

I went out on a mates stag do a few years back. The evening went quite well. Lagers and a curry. Went back to his with a about 15 others (if I remember) and the playing cards came out. After about 10 minutes of playing I let out the mother of all wet farts (quiet) on his mothers settee. Getting up calmly I trotted (no-one had noticed what had occured) to the downstairs lav, ripped off my boxers full of slurry and threw them up onto his dads garage roof. Made a hasty exit saying I was knackered and walked home in a pair of cold shit covered jeans. Memories !!

 

[Barrel of Fun]

I hitchhiked in the back of a banana truck in Ecuador. I had some seafood the night before, followed by Tequila, Rum, more Tequila and Tequila. That obviously was the cause for my anal expellations. Three of my friends were in the back with me, but fast asleep. The rumble, the hot sensation, the muscles bursting to let go. I managed to position myself carefully to over the side of the truck and let loose. Unfortunately the majority of the 'liquid' blew back into the truck onto the rucksacks of my three travel mates. Luckily for me, there was a vicious snarling dog tied up in the back that copped the full blame. I will never forget the smell.

 

[Gully]

I lived and worked in the Netherlands before moving to Gloucester, in an international community with people from lots of different nations, however it was usually the Brits who starred. We had a leaving party for one lass who was returning to the UK, she achieved the magnificent "grand slam", this one has nothing to do with rugby, it is merely puking, peeing and crapping yourself all at the same time. Fortunately this marvellous event was performed in the ladies loo so none of us blokes were roped into cleaning the mess up or taking her home...happy days!

 

[Screaming J]

I was at a Union residential weekend course in Birmingham .

After a night in the bar I staggered back to my room. After an hours kip I awoke, needing a slash. Completely starkers I wandered down the corridor looking for a bog. Couldn't find one. By now things were a little desperate.

So I went back to my room and with careful aim filled the waste paper basket (fortunately a watertight metal one, not a whicker one).

So what you might say? Well you see in my drunken haze I had mistaken my room for someone else's . The bloke whose room it was was rather surprised to wake up and see this naked man in his bedroom pissing in his waste bin. Outraged he threw me in to the corridor.

Me, being pissed, couldn't understand why someone had forcibly ejected me from what I thought was my room when all I had been doing was having an innocent god-fearing piss. Picking myself up from the floor, I found an open door and collapsed into the bed.

The next morning, over the customary hangover cure full English breakfast I recounted to my colleagues the tale of the outrage that had occured to me in the privacy of my own bedroom and about my mystery assailant. Only then did the truth come out from the bloke opposite me at breakfast about what I had done in his room and how I had been most fortunate not to get a waste basket full of piss emptied over me.

Took a while to live that one down!

 

[Uncle Spielberg]

I haven't plopped myself in the office, but, around 6 weeks ago, i had a couple of pints after work and found myself a bit wobbly on the tube home. My stomach began to rumble, junglewise, and the sudoku i was working on sat less still than my eyes did, so i had to run from the train and hit the streets again. Something was on it's way no matter what i said or corked, so i just needed a venue to expound it. A quick walk for about 7 minutes then found me trousers and pants down in a closed shop doorway in Camden. Squirt, i went. I thought i was somewhere quiet, but within seconds a man was running for a bus straight past me.
I wiped my bum with the crossword i had partly failed at, and hoped no one would see the poo-paper, pick it up for a stare, and recognise my handwriting under the splatty acid the crumpled papyrus unhappily held.
Not a wise evening.

Marvelous

 

[Uncle Spielberg]

I haven't plopped myself in the office, but, around 6 weeks ago, i had a couple of pints after work and found myself a bit wobbly on the tube home. My stomach began to rumble, junglewise, and the sudoku i was working on sat less still than my eyes did, so i had to run from the train and hit the streets again. Something was on it's way no matter what i said or corked, so i just needed a venue to expound it. A quick walk for about 7 minutes then found me trousers and pants down in a closed shop doorway in Camden. Squirt, i went. I thought i was somewhere quiet, but within seconds a man was running for a bus straight past me.
I wiped my bum with the crossword i had partly failed at, and hoped no one would see the poo-paper, pick it up for a stare, and recognise my handwriting under the splatty acid the crumpled papyrus unhappily held.
Not a wise evening.

That is a work of genius

 

[ditchy]

On holiday in Greece a few years back at self catering apartments with mates .. one said mate got so blotto he passed out on his bed . unconcious we duly stripped him naked and then for a joke decided to put the contents of a corn beef tin up his arse, poking up with his toothbrush . The next morning the contents containing the jelly duly melted leaving a bad stain on his bed . Suffering a hangover the person in question thought he had shit himself and was very sheepish for the rest of the week . Best bit was that he awoke and immediately brushed his teeth with said toothbrush . We left it until last day to tell him what really happened ,when he went abosolutely mental !

 

[Gritt23]

Someone in my office has just followed through and had to be sent home, I wouldn't like to be her when she comes back to work tomorrow or Monday.



Anyone else got any cringy things that have happened in their office??

Is she back at work today?

 

[finbar]

Its good to know unplanned poo incidents generate such a popular thread.

My number two'pennath occurreed when in the beautiful town of Hervey Bay, the day before i was going to Fraser Island in Australia. It was a Sunday (thank god) and i had camped about 1/2 mile from the seafront. After a tea of scrambled eggs, with 2 bottles of boags, i took a stroll to the prom to use the phone to say sweet nothings to my girlfriend who was back here. As the sun was setting and i was talking to her, mentioning how beautiful everything was, an unpleasant feeling started in my knees. I joked about how id better finish the call as i needed to go to the toilet, then about 20 seconds later, my jokey conversation became deadly serious, and i said i HAVE to go NOW. I put the phone down, and by now my brow was sweating and extremely furrowed as I was experiencing a profoundly worrying feeling. It had moved from m knees to my thighs. Action was needed, and i spied a pub about 300 yards away, i started to walk towards it, but within 2 paces i knew it was impossible. I literally walked in a circle as i panicked - fear was all over my face, and all i could do was cross the road to a quiet side street. sidle up against a building, and pull my shorts down and i literally exploded. 10 seconds later when the maelstrom of bowel based trauma was over, i pulled my shorts and pants up and slinked away. The building i had committed this crime against too was actually a restaurant, with the frontage i had leaned against being a brick wall about 2 foot high, then a big glass window. The fallout had been on the floor, with some shrapnel on the wall, but none on the glass. The ONLY bit of good news was that the restaurtant wasnt open, hence i retained some dignity, and i dont think anyone saw me. Walking back to the campsite i wondered how i was going to keep this news from the 2 girls and my mate i was travelling with and had to spend the next 2 weeks with (i told my mate actually), but fortune smiled on me. The shower block was open, they had free soap, i went straight in, dumped my dumped in and heavily soiled, but impressively absorbant and soak proof pants, had a shower, put my my shorts back on and went back to the tent. No-one was any the wiser.

This has remained my secret shame for almost exactly 4 years. Now its public. Like the ad-hoc toilet i used

 

[Les Biehn]

When i woke in hospital, as i am sure i have said before, after the initial 20 minutes of unstoppable screams, i shit the bed after 10 days without a single dropped pellet. A vast, stenchful, gremlinesque hound. The nurses began to scream, apparently, and none would wash my now shitty body. My brother had to drag me to a shower and wash the self-filth from my body.

A few days later, after being awake and almost alive in some way, i went to the toilet. I had no idea what a poo was, but the word appeared in my head. I had to think about it for a moment or two and then considered, when i knew again what one probably was, how they are made and where they came from. I looked down and saw that i'd just done one on the floor. One thing that hadn;t died in me was a certain embarassment, so i got down on my one working knee and tried to wipe this bronze, sceptical ball of doom from the floor. Of course, i had a broken shoulder, so could only wipe with my slightly movable arm. I thought it best to go back to bed and not tell anyone what had happened. My girlfriend noticed the big smear of poop on my naked legs and a few blobs on my shirt. I didn't work well enough to find a neat lie, so a shower and an apology followed in it's place.

I had no sense of smell or nervous system, so i was absolutely fine.
The pity should be sent to the nurses and my brother for having to flick my cacky balls clean.

I love the way Meado can tell his worst ever experiences and still make me laugh.

 

[Hampden Park]

whilst serving in portugal i had a problem with my intestines (suffer from adhesions) and i was rushed into their hospital. i had major surgey on my stomach and intestines and was recovering very slowly. on the fifth day after my op (9 inch scar on my guts by the way) i hadnt managed to do a poo so the stupid Pogs thought it a good idea to give me a 2 litre YES 2 LITRE enema!!! they proceeded to pour what seemed like a f***ing swimming pools worth of liquid into my arse whilst i was lying on my side. in pigeon english they told me to hang on to this amount of fluid whilst they got me a comode. f***ing hang on i thought, how the f*** can you hang on to 2 litres of fluid when you are drugged up on morphine, have several tubes in your arms, a nasal gastric tube in etc etc etc when they eventually arrived with the comode (previously used by florence f***ing nightingale btw) i was expected to casualy roll over, stand up and park by arse onto this contraption. anyway, i failed and shat all over the floor and when i eventually got placed onto florences chair i proceeded to top up the cardboard container they had placed underneath. needless to say they never gave me another one

 

[Pettitt303]

It pours down your leggy
like scrambled eggy
Diarrhoea, Diarrhoea