Big Sams twitter comments....marvellous....

[Southern Toon]

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Eleven more smashed assholes in Brighton tonight, courtesy of Big Sam. Have it.

 

[Acker79]

He's now got a blog on paddy power:

Not Big Sam: The night I fell in love with WWE | Paddy Power Betting Blog

I can still remember that day as if it was yesterday. August 26, 1991.

I was strolling around the plush surroundings of Midtown Manhattan in a daze. A wonderful, mesmerising daze. I’d never experienced such euphoria. In fact, the only thing that came close was masturbating for the first time, in a tyre swing at a local park in Dudley. There was a small glob of something I later discovered was called smegma, perched atop my naive shaft. I had achieved my début orgasm and this – THIS – was the puny result? I was furious.

“This is it?!” I cried to the sky, slapping my junk with devastated rage. I had just about given up on the whole exercise when I gave my little plonker one last frustrated yank and then… boom. It happened. By f***, it happened. THIS was an orgasm.

So, yeah, I had similar feelings of dizzy splendour that balmy night in New York City. A night that will live with me forever. The night I attended the WWE’s SummerSlam event at Madison Square Garden with my dear friend Woody Allen, and a shy little girl by the name of Soon-Yi.
SummerSlam 1991

BOYS OF SUMMER: The 1991 event holds special memories for Not Big Sam

As an aside, Woody introduced Soon-Yi to me as his wife’s daughter that night. He had his hand on her fanny as he introduced her as his wife’s daughter, but that wasn’t any of my business then, and it’s none of my business now. All I know is the three of us had the greatest night of our f***ing lives.

When the show was over, we skipped down 8th Avenue with impish glee, relieving every moment of this momentous occasion. “Did you see when Bret Hart Sharpshootered the balls off Mr Perfect?!” I roared, with the unabashed enthusiasm of a poof reading Popbitch.

“What about when The Big Boss Man defeated The Mountie and then he, like, put his hand-cuffs on The Mountie and The Mountie got arrested and taken to jail!” retorted Woody, breathlessly. “Is that what happens to criminals, Sam, he added confusingly. “Is it?” I smiled and pretended I hadn’t heard him.

We were soon sat outside a cute little French bistro, eating delicious crepes and hilariously re-enacting the stunning in-ring ceremony that saw the Macho Man Randy Savage and Miss Elizabeth become man and wife. Woody pretended to be Savage – all gruff voice and manic eyes. Soon Yi was the lovely Elizabeth, both ladies sharing a charming coyness that masked some inner demons.

“When will we marry, Woody? asked Soon Yi, strangely. “Jeez, I don’t know, soon maybe,” replied Woody, even more f***ing strangely.

I was having a wonderful time but there wasn’t a f***ing chance in hell I was accepting their invitation for coffee back at their house that night.

As our laughter reverberated around the packed city streets, a clearly drunk Tom Berenger walked past and – noticing my Legion of Doom shoulder-pads – called me a “right f***ing queer”. Before I could even contemplate a verbal comeback, Woody leapt at him like a coiled Chihuahua with rabies. Before Tom can even think, Woody is power-bombing him through a nearby table and finishing him off with a double axe-handle from a chair.

As he stood over the almost-slain star of Platoon, Woody smiled at me, took Soon-Yi by the hand and whispered: “Let’s go have sex before she gets back.” Once again, I ignored this remark and simply stood in awe at his work. The mastery. The power. The sheer devastation.

I fell in love with pay per view wrestling that night. It has remained one of the single most enduring loves of my life. This Sunday, the US Airways Arena in Phoenix, Arizona plays host to the WWE Money in the Bank event. Perhaps you too can sit down and watch some of your favourite wrestlers pretend to kick umpteen shades of shite out each other. Perhaps you too can fall in love.

And the football doesn’t start again for another month, so what f***ing else are you going to do?

 

[greyseagull]

Best one for me was:

" I look at Nani; Valencia; and Rafael Da Silva in the wall of that free-kick and see the different stages of Michael Jackson's life. Who's bad."

 

[MattBackHome]

notBigSam ‏@TheBig_Sam Feeling blue over my failure to lure big Andy Carroll to West Ham, so watched the last ever episode of 'Dawson's Creek' again. Big Mistake.



notBigSam ‏@TheBig_Sam
Why do you do it to yourself, Big Sam? I'm in floods. The image of Jen's face as she slips down the icy road of death will haunt me forever.





If you only need one reason to be on twitter then notBigSam is it.

 

[Easy 10]

Big Carlton Cole bounded into my office today, with all the youthful exhuberance of a boy who's found a muff-rag in the alleyway.

"Boss!" he yelped. "Isn't it weird the way lions don't even know they're called lions?"

As I stood in silence, he continued: "I mean, if they could talk, and you said 'you're a lovely lion' to him, he'd be all 'WTF is a lion??"

As I took hold of his chiselled jaw, and brought it close to my bosom, a single distraught tear trickelled down my equally chiselled face.

I don't fear the other teams coming in for Carlton. I fear Social Services coming around and talking him off me. The c unt keeps me awake at night.

 

[Triggaaar]

Never thought I'd ever be so happy to watch a Belgian kick a child.

 

[albion534]

Big Carlton Cole bounded into my office today, with all the youthful exhuberance of a boy who's found a muff-rag in the alleyway.

"Boss!" he yelped. "Isn't it weird the way lions don't even know they're called lions?"

As I stood in silence, he continued: "I mean, if they could talk, and you said 'you're a lovely lion' to him, he'd be all 'WTF is a lion??"

As I took hold of his chiselled jaw, and brought it close to my bosom, a single distraught tear trickelled down my equally chiselled face.

I don't fear the other teams coming in for Carlton. I fear Social Services coming around and talking him off me. The c unt keeps me awake at night.

The man needs an award