Advice sought - need help from those who have been through similar

[Digweeds Trousers]

It has been a while since I last posted here as life has ben a bit difficult recently. I know people can get flamed for posting personal situations on here but I need some practical advice.

I was engaged last year and in December 2008 we had a beautiful baby girl/ Things looked great and then everything crumbled.

I was made redundant half way through last year, pressure began to mount and stress abounded in the DT household. We had argued, shouted and eventually agreed that for the sake of the baby we would ahve a time out with me staying at a friends house but coming round every day to see the little one and look after if the other half needed to go out.

T|hree - four weeks passed and I had every intention of making it work once things had calmed down.

Then a month ago she announced she had falled in love with someone else who was kind, understanding and she felt happy with. He is divorced with two teenage children and is now creating massive pressure.

He wants her to move in with him, take over the father responsibilities day to day and then two weeks ago called me out of the blue.

He told me that if contacted my ex once more he would do everything he could to enforce a restraining order etc etc and minimse my influence in their lives.

He told me to pay money, leave alone and in return the ex would allow me to see my daughter for two hours every other weekend.

I cannot afford to throw money at a solicitor.........what the hell can I do as we were not married although I am the father on the certficate and she bears my surname.

I have no idea what the future holds - she will not talk to me and everything has to go through her family and to see my daughter I have to have parents with me.

I could never iamagine it coming to this but now I need to try and understand how to proceed and what the potential pit falls are in dealing with an ex who hates me, is with someone else and above all a little baby girl who is going to grow up without her Dad involved in her life to any real degree.

Sorry for the brain dump - I just figured that after years of posting on here ther would be some people who have been through similar.

 

[Simster]

Really sorry to hear that, fella.

First thing I would do is visit the Citizen's advice bureau. They'll be able to give you advice on how to proceed and presumably what sort of legal support you might be entitled to.

 

[wehatepalace]

Fight tooth and nail for your little girl mate, otherwise you'll end up with her being closer to the other fella than you.
FIND the money for a solicitor, as you have paternal rights ie more than 2 hours supervised every other weekend.

 

[Deleted User X18H]

It has been a while since I last posted here as life has ben a bit difficult recently. I know people can get flamed for posting personal situations on here but I need some practical advice.

I was engaged last year and in December 2008 we had a beautiful baby girl/ Things looked great and then everything crumbled.

I was made redundant half way through last year, pressure began to mount and stress abounded in the DT household. We had argued, shouted and eventually agreed that for the sale of the baby we would ahve a time out with me staying at a friends house but coming round every day to see the little one and look after if the other half needed to go out.

T|hree - four weeks passed and I had every intention of making it work once things had calmed down.

Then a month ago she announced she had falled in love with someone else who was kind, understanding and she felt happy with. He is divorced with two teenage children and is now creating massive pressure.

He wants her to move in with him, take over the father responsibilities day to day and then two weeks ago called me out of the blue.

He told me that if contacted my ex once more he would do everything he could to enforce a restraining order etc etc and minimse my influence in their lives.

He told me to pay money, leave alone and in return the ex would allow me to see my daughter for two hours every other weekend.

I cannot afford to throw money at a solicitor.........what the hell can I do as we were not married although I am the father on the certficate and she bears my surname.

I have no idea what the future holds - she will not talk to me and everything has to go through her family and to see my daughter I have to have parents with me.

I could never iamagine it coming to this but now I need to try and understand how to proceed and what the potential pit falls are in dealing with an ex who hates me, is with someone else and above all a little baby girl who is going to grow up without her Dad involved in her life to any real degree.

Sorry for the brain dump - I just figured that after years of posting on here ther would be some people who have been through similar.

You sold the baby..... how much did you get??

No in all seriousness if you are named as the child's father YOU have an unconditional right to access whenever you wish until a court says otherwise!

 

[Franks Wild Years]

f***ing hell DT, sorry to hear that.
Sounds to me like you need to get some proper legal advice pronto. If I were you I'd not talk to the prick again, if he calls you, be polite but tell him you'll not discuss your daughter with him.
Somehow you've got to see a solicitor. When things get like that its the only way forward.
Really hope it works out for you fella, what a f***ing prick.

 

[Stat Brother]

Blimey, really sorry to here that.
No legal, advise I'm afraid, just sympathy.


NB, you might like to re-read your post as 'the sale of the baby', certainly raised my eyebrows.

 

[User removed 4]

It has been a while since I last posted here as life has ben a bit difficult recently. I know people can get flamed for posting personal situations on here but I need some practical advice.

I was engaged last year and in December 2008 we had a beautiful baby girl/ Things looked great and then everything crumbled.

I was made redundant half way through last year, pressure began to mount and stress abounded in the DT household. We had argued, shouted and eventually agreed that for the sale of the baby we would ahve a time out with me staying at a friends house but coming round every day to see the little one and look after if the other half needed to go out.

T|hree - four weeks passed and I had every intention of making it work once things had calmed down.

Then a month ago she announced she had falled in love with someone else who was kind, understanding and she felt happy with. He is divorced with two teenage children and is now creating massive pressure.

He wants her to move in with him, take over the father responsibilities day to day and then two weeks ago called me out of the blue.

He told me that if contacted my ex once more he would do everything he could to enforce a restraining order etc etc and minimse my influence in their lives.

He told me to pay money, leave alone and in return the ex would allow me to see my daughter for two hours every other weekend.

I cannot afford to throw money at a solicitor.........what the hell can I do as we were not married although I am the father on the certficate and she bears my surname.

I have no idea what the future holds - she will not talk to me and everything has to go through her family and to see my daughter I have to have parents with me.

I could never iamagine it coming to this but now I need to try and understand how to proceed and what the potential pit falls are in dealing with an ex who hates me, is with someone else and above all a little baby girl who is going to grow up without her Dad involved in her life to any real degree.

Sorry for the brain dump - I just figured that after years of posting on here ther would be some people who have been through similar.

so so sorry to hear that mate, i am going through the same sort of thing at the moment but nowhere as extrme circumstances ,my ex is an angel comared to yours, frst thing you should do is get down to the citizens advice bureau, they can be a great help and are a fanstastic institution, im sure there must be something they can do to help, btw did you work as a broker in the mkt ?

 

[Billy the Fish]

Find out if you're entitled to any legal aid.

That is a horrible situation, good luck, I hope it works out for you.

 

[Monsieur Le Plonk]

Fight tooth and nail for your little girl mate, otherwise you'll end up with her being closer to the other fella than you.
FIND the money for a solicitor, as you have paternal rights ie more than 2 hours supervised every other weekend.

Completely agree with this.
Dont do anything rash even if you may feel like resorting to. If it gets to court you will have needed to do everything by the book.
Best of luck matey.

 

[Stat Brother]

f***ing hell DT, sorry to hear that.
Sounds to me like you need to get some proper legal advice pronto. If I were you I'd not talk to the prick again, if he calls you, be polite but tell him you'll not discuss your daughter with him.
Somehow you've got to see a solicitor. When things get like that its the only way forward.
Really hope it works out for you fella, what a f***ing prick.

Franks right the hardest thing you've got to do, is NOT lose it with new bloke.
He's certainly putting himself in the position of pushing you.
If that is part of his plan, you have to be strong, let him slip up first.
If you go for him, that will be all he needs to put you out of the picture once and for all.

 

[Addick]

OK first thing keep calm in very trying circumstances. The advive of the Citizens Advice is sound as is the unconditional rights you have, I assume you are on he birth certificate. It may seem poor advice as I donot know the dynamics but establishing dialogue with the Mother of your Daughter is paramount, a letter perhaps mapping out your position and what you want. What I do know is that 2 hrs at a w/e is not on and cannot be proposed by anyone esp new partners!!

Good luck this could be a long and bumpy journey hence the advice to keep your counsel at times and make sure you give no opportunity at any time for the Police to be involved then things will quickly escalate and become more difficult

 

[TWOCHOICEStom]

After hearing of similar things (admitedly mainly on Jeremy Kyle), all I'd suggest is to not rise to ANYTHING that her or her new bloke say to you. Don't hound them with calls etc and do everything by the book, in writing.

Citzens Advice is the way to go.

 

[Tooting Gull]

Citizens Advice is a good shout - and I would also say sooner rather than later, because if she (or he) for some reason gets in there first to your local one, they won't be able to advise you for conflict-of-interest reasons.

 

[Hatterlovesbrighton]

I wouldn't suggest ceasing all attempts at contact. That might just be the thing they/he wants to happen i.e. Father doesn't see his children.

Really worth keeping a diary of your encounters and I'd reinforce the advice above that a letter to the mother setting out what you believe is a fair contact with your daughter.

 

[Tony Meolas Loan Spell]

I am sorry to hear this.

All I can say is that she IS a Slut Faced Whore

And it WAS pre-meditated AND planned.

 

[Acker79]

Should probably keep a diary of all your contact with the mother and her new fella, as well. Just in case.

 

[Digweeds Trousers]

Appreciate the advice guys.......CAB have been helpful - the main problem is the lack of dialogue with the mother. She is being clearly pressured / led by the new guy and I realise he is waiting for me to slip up.

Apologies for the typo - I would clearly not be selling the baby!!

I think the biggest struggle is leaving her after a couple of hours. She looks at me with a big smile waving her arms around and giggling and I stand in the street and watch her get wheeled away.....

Thanks again for the advice and apologies for posting something personal on here.......

 

[User removed 4]

Thanks again for the advice and apologies for posting something personal on here.......

not being patronising mate,nbut you've got nthing to apologise for.

 

[Rusthall Seagull]

It has been a while since I last posted here as life has ben a bit difficult recently. I know people can get flamed for posting personal situations on here but I need some practical advice.

I was engaged last year and in December 2008 we had a beautiful baby girl/ Things looked great and then everything crumbled.

I was made redundant half way through last year, pressure began to mount and stress abounded in the DT household. We had argued, shouted and eventually agreed that for the sake of the baby we would ahve a time out with me staying at a friends house but coming round every day to see the little one and look after if the other half needed to go out.

T|hree - four weeks passed and I had every intention of making it work once things had calmed down.

Then a month ago she announced she had falled in love with someone else who was kind, understanding and she felt happy with. He is divorced with two teenage children and is now creating massive pressure.

He wants her to move in with him, take over the father responsibilities day to day and then two weeks ago called me out of the blue.

He told me that if contacted my ex once more he would do everything he could to enforce a restraining order etc etc and minimse my influence in their lives.

He told me to pay money, leave alone and in return the ex would allow me to see my daughter for two hours every other weekend.

I cannot afford to throw money at a solicitor.........what the hell can I do as we were not married although I am the father on the certficate and she bears my surname.

I have no idea what the future holds - she will not talk to me and everything has to go through her family and to see my daughter I have to have parents with me.

I could never iamagine it coming to this but now I need to try and understand how to proceed and what the potential pit falls are in dealing with an ex who hates me, is with someone else and above all a little baby girl who is going to grow up without her Dad involved in her life to any real degree.

Sorry for the brain dump - I just figured that after years of posting on here ther would be some people who have been through similar.

not that it will help your situation short term but, write a letter at least once a week to your daughter, tell her you love her and that you will always be there for her. Dont use emotional blackmail etc, just short and simple.

Take a copy and send it to her.

In the long term it will ensure that your daughter knows you always wanted her.

 

[Brovion]

Bloody hell Diggers that's a sticky one. Unfortunately you'll find that your ex holds all the aces - and the kings, queens, jacks tens and nines as well. Unmarried fathers have virtually no rights; you could be paying £1000 a month in child support and it doesn't entitle you to one second of access time. (Married fathers fare slightly better as they have something called 'Parental responsibility' which is SUPPOSED to gaurantee some access to your child as well as a say in their upbringing).

This is going to sound unpleasant and against all your instincts but your best course MAY be to take the deal offered. Pay the money, tug your forelock and say "Yes sir, thank you sir, you're too kind sir" to the new man and be grateful for the two hours a fortnight. If you always come over as the decent, kind, understanding Dad and ex-boyfriend you might shame them into giving you more. (On the other hand of course they may see it as weakness and tramp all over you a bit more - I don't know them so I don't know if they'd do that).

The alternative is to say "f*** off you wanker!" (which I'm sure is what you want to say) and let the whole thing escalate into a big legal battle where the only winners will be the lawyers. Plus that type of combatative atmosphere is not good for the child and will eventually wear you down.