Advice sought - need help from those who have been through similar

[Hatterlovesbrighton]

Bloody hell Diggers that's a sticky one. Unfortunately you'll find that your ex holds all the aces - and the kings, queens, jacks tens and nines as well. Unmarried fathers have virtually no rights; you could be paying £1000 a month in child support and it doesn't entitle you to one second of access time. (Married fathers fare slightly better as they have something called 'Parental responsibility' which is SUPPOSED to gaurantee some access to your child as well as a say in their upbringing).

This is going to sound unpleasant and against all your instincts but your best course MAY be to take the deal offered. Pay the money, tug your forelock and say "Yes sir, thank you sir, you're too kind sir" to the new man and be grateful for the two hours a fortnight. If you always come over as the decent, kind, understanding Dad and ex-boyfriend you might shame them into giving you more. (On the other hand of course they may see it as weakness and tramp all over you a bit more - I don't know them so I don't know if they'd do that).

The alternative is to say "f*** off you wanker!" (which I'm sure is what you want to say) and let the whole thing escalate into a big legal battle where the only winners will be the lawyers. Plus that type of combatative atmosphere is not good for the child and will eventually wear you down.

Wrong I'm afraid. Unmarried fathers have had Parental Responsobilty since 2003 as long as they are named on the birth certificate.

 

[The Spanish]

Wrong I'm afraid. Unmarried fathers have had Parental Responsobilty since 2003 as long as they are named on the birth certificate.

only if you apply for it I understand, its not default.

 

[Brovion]

only if you apply for it I understand, its not default.

Actually I think he might be right. I've just researched it and it does say the three ways to get parental responsibility are by agreement with the mother, by order of the court, and, since December 2003, by jointly registering the birth of the child with the mother.

Just shows you shouldn't take random legal advice from laymen on NSC! Diggers - did you register the birth with the mother?

 

[Hatterlovesbrighton]

only if you apply for it I understand, its not default.

Parental rights and responsibilities : Directgov - Parents

A little ambigious about whether you have to apply but I don't think so.

 

[severnside gull]

Have to say that my advice would be to break the bank and go to a solicitor to sort out legal access formally as soon as possible....at the moment you are being bullied by this other fella and her family and the way to respond is to take control of the situation

 

[upthealbion1970]

not a nice situation, when i has issues with my son's mum it felt like my world had collapsed, but by far the best thing i did was a visit to the citizens advice, their advice was spot on and we made a mutual agreement. good luck fella

 

[Icy Gull]

So sorry to hear that. How can a guy has two kids of his own be as heartless he seems, sounds like right ****. Terrible situation for you, like others no advice just genuine sympathy.

 

[alan partridge]

That's　terrible mate. Really hope it works out. Don't have much advice to offer but would suggest not rising to this bloke, who, to be fair, sounds like a complete twat.

 

[WATFORD zero]

It may be easier to keep all contact with your ex in writing, if possible. That way, you can keep records of what was said, you can address the contact directly to her, and it doesn't give you so much opportunity to get wound up. (Always leave an hour or two between writing a letter or e-mail and sending it). CAB as soon as poss, has to be the way to go,

Good luck Diggers.

 

[Seecider]

Sorry to hear all that mate. Mate of mine with three youngsters had awful isues with CSA and ex until he got joint custody with the three nippers (and one was only 2) living with him 1/2 the week. That seemed to sort out a lot of issues. He can now only work part time.

Even then because the ex was claiming the child benefit she was the one who was contacted by the school every time, and got to make all the decisions about transfer of older ones to senior school etc. The ex then just demanded he bought teh school uniform !

 

[Tim Over Whelmed]

As hard as it is TRY to keep everthing amicable (or as amicable as it can be), if things kick off you'll have even more to deal with. Going to the CAB is spot on, look upon the two hours you have as something positive and enjoy being with the little one, let your parents worry about the time keeping ... I know this isn't easy but it is far easier than getting into a battle ... trust me I know. It seems right at the time but nobody wins, least of all you and the nipper. Chin up and focus on the positives, good luck.

Tim

 

[NMH]

It has been a while since I last posted here as life has ben a bit difficult recently. I know people can get flamed for posting personal situations on here but I need some practical advice.

I feel for you, but have never been through that - it looks awful.

HOWEVER..... I have had a workmate who talked me through these same foibles he was having. He 'hated' his ex, and made comments regularly that were inflamatory - and she subsequently withheld his daughter from seeing him & vice-versa.
He went to court, spoke his piece and gained legal rights to spend time with his child.

AVOID dealings with the ex, AVOID speaking to her 'next victim', seek simple legal advice and head for court.
Underline only your responsibility towards your child, and mean it.
Get the legalities done and dusted, and then show your child nothing but understanding and loving.
And don't talk shit about the ex to, or in earshot of the child.
The bombs only fall in the middle, and the child will be instilled with a deep-seated guilt and lack of self esteem.

 

[Bevendean Hillbilly]

Shitty situation there fella.

She did'nt waste much time getting this other bloke in did she?

In fairness he sounds like a bellend with control issues and it rather suggests, from his unsolicited phone call, some control issues. It obviously irks him that you still feature in the ex's life and he is trying to mark his territory by offering you these stingy terms.

My advice, for what its worth, would be to maintain an air of utter resonableness with the ex, I would maintain relationships with friends who you share as mutuals (without being a tedious bore) and would wait for this pricks influence to wane with your other half.

We don't know the ins and outs and I would advise not to share your innermost with a bunch of strangers on here but remember that the mother tends to hold most of the cards as default (after all it was you that left them. whether or not it was decided between the pair of you) and now there is this new bloke he is unlikely to welcome you popping in and out whenever and having complete access even I would object to that. Also It sounds like you would like to get back with your ex but she has moved on..he will be suspicious of that as well.

You always get much further in life, especially with kids and ex's by being consistent and reasonable. let all this die down, tell your daughter you love her and build the future relationship from there.

 

[Shinbreath]

Just reading this made by blood boil.. I think generally the advice you have been given as far as not rising to anything, contacting CAB and doing your best to try and get legal representation is pretty spot on but I think that keeping a diary of absolutely everything no matter how small is just as important.

My workmate had a situation where there was a tug of love involving a young child. The mum was a total waster and social services were involved so my mate kept a diary of everything. This proved to be valuable evidence in court which resulted in getting the decision he was after. Just goes to show the importance of something so simple..

You may not know which direction this will go in but do it. That way if you come to need it you'll be glad you put the time in by doing it.

Good luck with everything mate !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Psychobilly freakout]

I think the biggest struggle is leaving her after a couple of hours. She looks at me with a big smile waving her arms around and giggling and I stand in the street and watch her get wheeled away.....

That would break my heart

Never been in that situation and hope i never am, but i like everyone on here feel for you. No advise sorry just get advise.

Good luck sunshine,

 

[NMH]

Remember to say kind things about her new bloke, even when you REALLY don't mean it. Bitches will often totally dump the new guy if encouraged to keep with the relationship by their jilted ex.

Take the stance that you wish her happiness and stability with him, for her and for the child you care for.
It's actually the healthiest viewpoint for you, and eventually you won't care about the ex's love-affairs anyway, and the sooner you take the 'acceptance' stance, the better - and she'll start seeing you in a better light and be readier to look closer at what she replaced you with!

 

[Digweeds Trousers]

Really appreciate the words of advice and hope........I realise that the relationship with her is dead - frankly there would only be one reason to go back and that would never work.

I just think you get to a stage where you feel you cannot bear any more - that you are subjected to more than you should have to bear.

And then you find you simply bear it.

Whatever happens next I guess that every joyous moment in life has been made sharper and more lucid through the pain of the last few months.

Again - really appreciate the comments and advice.

 

[Bevendean Hillbilly]

Really appreciate the words of advice and hope........I realise that the relationship with her is dead - frankly there would only be one reason to go back and that would never work.

I just think you get to a stage where you feel you cannot bear any more - that you are subjected to more than you should have to bear.

And then you find you simply bear it.

Whatever happens next I guess that every joyous moment in life has been made sharper and more lucid through the pain of the last few months.

Again - really appreciate the comments and advice.

And don't forget time mate.

I know it doesn't seem like the pain will ever end, but time really is a healer.

Things will look a whole lot better in a year from now.

 

[Dirk lovelace]

Have you tried dressing as Batman and climbing the side of a big crane during rush hour yet?

 

[Billy the Fish]

Have you tried dressing as Batman and climbing the side of a big crane during rush hour yet?