A-Z of little-known Albion miscellany - for new fans

[Lewes' best seagull]

Falmer area of natural beauty, The

Contains countless numbers of wildlife, such as the lesser spotted Vauxhall Astra, in their traditional habitat of hundreds of tonnes of tarmac. Famously situated in it is Norman 'brown hands' Baker's glorious home. The front door of said house is a meagre 7cm away from the Amex.

 

[KNC]

CocaCola KID, was the clubs mascot goat during the early years at Withdean. He, to much hilarity from the crowds, used to head-butt players off the field, after being red carded.
Sadly, Cocacola died after being hit from a stray firework from Rocketman. Not all was lost, a spit-roast was enjoyed by the directors after a midweek game, held in the Withdean carpark.

 

[skipper734]

Gill Eric The Albion Goalkeeper from the 50's and early 60's. Before he started playing for the Albion lived in a house on Ditchling Common and invented Type Fonts several of which are named after him.

 

[Cadiz Seagull]

Stand, North Chat

Award-winning Albion message board renowned for inside information on future signings, binfests (see above) and talking bollocks.

 

[Gary Leeds]

Tony Bloom only put his hand in his pocket to fund the Amex because he heard a rumour that Crawley would be a league club by the end of the 2010-11 season and he was worried that he would no longer be a director of the biggest club in Sussex

 

[KLF]

Smillie, Neil - known amongst friends, players and fans alike as the Hurstpierpoint Flyer, due to him holding a pilot's licence. In fact it was Mr Smillie who flew the seagulls to Wemberlee in a twin engine tandem rotor Chinook. After training, it was not unknown for him to fly the Gatwick - Shoreham commuter route for British Caledonian, with his blonde curly wig acting as co-pilot. A real people's player, he was well known for getting the dressing room to sign memorabilia, but due to his inability to read or write, would wouldn't sign them himself.

 

[brakespear]

Stille, Giles whilst ostensibly registered as a player with 'the Gayers' was using this as cover for his real role as a major powerbroker in deals between the Western and Eastern blocs regarding exchanges of political prisoners, as detailed in this entry from Swedish Wikipedia here

 

[Lord Bracknell]

The Seagulls Party is the political party of choice for football supporters throughout the United Kingdom. After infiltrating the Labour government in 2006 and successfully reforming the archaic planning laws that required all new sporting venues to be soaking wet, the party last year turned its attention to the Liberal Democrats, rapidly achieving u-turns in every policy that they had ever espoused. Infiltration is the secret weapon of the party. Plans to take over the English Defence League are currently being hatched in a quiet field in north Brighton by a mysterious Uruguayan, a Dane and an Egyptian, who will shortly reveal themselves to be the defence that the English League has been dreaming of for a thousand years.

 

[The Rattler]

Neal, Ashley Former Albion 'defender' often wrongly thought to be the natural son of ex-Liverpool star Phil Neal, but was in fact found abandoned as a baby behind Laura Ashley in Liverpool by a Mrs Martina O Neal who adopted Ashley as her own. Ashley's greatest performance in the blue and white stripes was alongside his best friend Glen Thomas at Brentford. Ironically, given that Ashley had the speed of a dead fish and the turning circle of a cross-channel ferry, he now works as a Driving Instructor.

 

[Lord Bracknell]

NAYLOR, Andy. A female journalist, known to her mum as "My, my, my Delilah". Has been reading messages on North Stand Chat for many years. Her ambition is to progress to reading out the e-mails on The Football League Show, but she hasn't got the legs for the job.

 

[D'Angelo Saxon]

I would BUY a book containing most of these FACTS.

 

[Cheeky Monkey]

NAYLOR, Andy. A female journalist, known to her mum as "My, my, my Delilah". Has been reading messages on North Stand Chat for many years. Her ambition is to progress to reading out the e-mails on The Football League Show, but she hasn't got the legs for the job.

Quality

 

[Seagull kimchi]

Mike Hunts-Small - Was an oxymoron that played some time between the wars.

 

[NMH]

I am the owner of Brighton and Hove Albion.
Fact. It is MY club.
Others may claim it is theirs, but it is, actually, mine.

 

[NMH]

The ENGLAND team will soon be made up entirely of BHAFC players.
As will the rest of the world's football squads.

 

[Mendoza]

McGowan, Paul

Paul made his name in the building trade when he single handedly built The Great Wall of China, The Taj Mahal and McDonalds in Brighton Marina. He was drafted into the Albion ticket office after the great West Ham away FA Cup ticket scandal of 2007. Now retired from the building trade, he spends his lunch breaks solving world problems like Afghanistan, Iraq and Jedward. The Japanese Government have asked Tony Bloom if McGowan can help with the nuclear reactor crisis, but McGowan refused stating that fans need Walsall away tickets.

 

[Gary Leeds]

Micheal Coopers began as a ball boy for the Dutch navy, he then became an average goalkeeper before finding out that the Amex was behind schedule and that it would not be finished for his testimonial game. He instantly cancelled his full time contract with the Alb-ion and walked over to Falmer to get stuck in. He only ever worked on site during the hours of darkness so he wasnt spotted on the webcam. Without his help the Amex would still be 4 years from completion.

During the day he plays football for a Sussex Sunday league side and helps out striken badgers forced out of their home by the stadium build

 

[Cullip4]

Fran Sandaza
Fran was actually the result of a genetic experiment at Toledo Zoo, Spain in 1984 when scientists attempted to combine the sperm of champion racehorse Shergar with that of football legend Gerry Armstrong which was obtained by a local prostitute during the 1982 World Cup (allegedly) to form a super footballer with the speed and stamina of a racehorse. Unfortunately there was a problem during the mixing process and although Fran was blessed with some of Gerry's footballing ability he was also blessed with Shergars face, Fran eventually found his spiritual home at Brighton where he lived out his footballing days before retiring to stud in the local Oceana nightclub.

 

[Simster]

The Supporter's Bar Mosaic

When Brighton and Hove Albion moved to the Amex in 2011, the fans decided to create this remarkable piece of artwork as a nod to the club's history. It features a picture of Albion's legendary and finest ever number 8, Jamie Moralee looking out onto a field of dreams, and is made up of 28,000 separate photos - that's one for every season ticket holder at Albion's true spiritual home, the Priestfield Stadium on Old Shoreham Road.
Plans to allow away supporters to buy special 3D glasses that transformed this picture into heroes of their own were abolished after Albion supporters complained of the idea making the club a laughing stock, and in any case was deemed too compllicated, so a compromise solution was famously put in place; such that 3D glasses are now available so that when the wearer of these glasses now look at the Mosaic, the picture transforms from that of Moralee to a spoof Shrek billboard hilariously portraying Wayne Rooney as Shrek and Emile Heskey as donkey.

 

[Barrel of Fun]

Archer, William (nee Guy Fawkes) - Born to direct descendants of Ivan the Terrible. William Archer, found fame and fortune as a bow specialist. He was able to shoot an apple off the top on ones head from any distance up to 3,000 barleycorns. His plot to blow up the Royal Pavilion turned him into a notorious villain amongst the simple seaside folk of Brighthelmstone. His memory lives on and his effigy burns brightly in many gardens across Sussex during bonfire season.