A thread of classic Father Ted lines

[brakespear]

Kicking Bishop Brennan Up The *rse, is another classic episode.

That's my favourite I think, along with the Chinese episode, whose name escapes me (I don't have the box set, watched them again recently On Demand on Virgin but I don't think I have access to them anymore so might have to invest )

edit: although they are all available on YouTube via 4 On Demand

and

'It's just that I wanted to go to the toilet'

'Oh....right, well then go ahead'

 

[Seasider78]

FATHER TED
I know what's going on, Pat Mustard. There are some very hairy babies on Craggy Island, and I think you are the hairy baby-maker.
PAT MUSTARD
Oh, yeah? Well, I think that you would need proof if you were going to make that sort of an accusation. And I'm a very careful man, Father. A very careful man!
FATHER TED
Except when it comes to taking precautions in the bedroom.
PAT MUSTARD
Ah, w-... you certainly wouldn't be advising the use of artificial contraception now, Father, would you?
FATHER TED
Yes, I... well... if you're going to be... of course you will... JUST FECK OFF!

 

[footychick]

Father Jack - "Where's the other two?"

 

[Fountainhead]

From Song for Europe
*
Ted:* Just play the f*cking note
*
Dougal: The first one?
*
Ted: NO NOT THE F*CKING FIRST ONE. THE F*CKING FIRST ONES ALREADY WRITTEN DOWN. JUST PLAY THE F*CKING NOTE YOU WERE PLAYING EARLIER. IVE BEEN PLAYING THE F*CKING FIRST ONE.WE HAVE THE FIRST ONE…t

 

[Cosmic Joker]

Father Dougal: Knock-knock Ted!
Father Ted: Who's there?
Father Dougal: Father Dougal McGuire.
Father Ted: Good night, Dougal.

 

[beardy gull]

Father Ted: Come on, Dougal, switch the television off. Chewing gum for the eyes!
Father Dougal: No thanks, Ted!

Father Dougal: [reading newspaper] Ted, you're not going to believe it! Clint Eastwood's been arrested for a crime he didn't - oh, wait, it's a film.

 

[tedlit]

...and he said it's an extra special forfeit, seeing as how you're such a big ol' cheating bastard.

By noon tomorrow, you have to....

KICK BISHOP BRENNAN UP THE ARSE

 

[Stat Brother]

Father Jack - ''are those my feet''